How do you deal with complete stubbornness?

Moving her into your home would be the absolute worst thing you could do. And you will be the one doing all the caretaking. Is this really what you want?

You are about to make a bad situation 100x worse.

Holy cow, why on earth are you moving this unmanageable woman with an unmanageable disease into your home?? Do either of you have any idea what you're signing up for? Or what dementia looks and feels like? If care givers are at their wits end, and they have experience with such things, how are YOU planning to deal with her not eating, not going to the doctor, and the 200 other issues that go hand in hand with dementia? Not to mention your husband has not spoken to the woman in 25 years which means they have NO relationship, and he has no idea WHO she is!

Please rethink this entire decision which sounds like a gigantic mistake. Dementia is a disease that requires a round the clock staff to deal with, in a Memory Care community, where they are properly trained and equipped. A doctor comes into the facility to see the residents, so she can't say she's not going.......the doctor will come to HER. Peanut butter sandwiches are not served in MCs, so she'll also be getting better nourishment with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, not to mention activities designed for the memory impaired. Incontinence issues, bathing, wandering at night, temper tantrums and agitation.......its all handled FOR you in such communities. Your only job is to pay the rent and go visit as desired.

Best of luck

You don’t say why you’ve made this decision, but I agree with the others that this is a huge mistake. Is your husband pressuring you into this? If he is, why? He and his mother don’t get along. He is the only family she has left, but it seems he is family in name only.

The cost of getting her to your home via medical transport would be phenomenal. Flying with her could be disastrous as well as trying to drive with her. You’d have to stop overnight if you drove.

Sit down with your husband and explain to him that the logistics of this decision are way out of whack and it’s not going to work. You will not give up your life and sanity and perhaps even your marriage to care for her. If you do, it’s on you and you’ll have to grin and bear it. If you do not have POA for her, you’ll have to apply for emergency guardianship. Search out facilities in the area and enlist their help in moving her to one.

But it is not the only option. She may need a nursing home, perhaps in the memory care unit, depending on how advanced her condition is.

While this is a nice thing to try to do for your MIL, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's not too late to make other arrangements.

IF you insist on doing this, then you should line up some home health aides because this is probably not a one person job.

Best of luck.

Seems to me you are walking into a disaster. If she is so stubborn now, in her own home, how does your husband plan to caregive her when they haven't spoken for 25 years?? I think a facility where she can be cared for by professionals who have experience with dementia is going to be necessary in order to keep your sanity. She is not going to get better, more cooperative, etc.  It is not clear from your post whether she is at the point where guardianship could be gained - then you make the decisions and she has no choice in the matter. But if she is still legally competent, how will you try to control her eating, etc.?  I don't see how you can. Then the only way to stay sane is to allow her to what she wants and make it clear that ALL the consequences are on her and you are not going to rescue here. How would that work if she is in your home? And I am wondering exactly who is going to be doing the hands-on care? Your husband, since she is his mother? But the main thing is: this is not in mom's best interest!!  She will receive better care in a memory facility than she could in your home, unless you have so much money that you can turn your home into a one-person memory care center.

Yellowpencildog, please do not be offended or hurt by everyone's comments. The fact of the matter is that this forum is flooded with posts from people who had the idea that taking in a family member and caring for them is a noble and wonderful thing to do for this person they care about. And it can be. But, more than 3/4 of those people heartily regret their decision after a few months, weeks or even days. Caregiving is an extremely difficult task to take on under the best of circumstances, which you do not have. You stated she can be uncooperative and stubborn. Your husband’s non-relationship with her is not just between them. When and if she comes to live with you, it could very well rekindle old hurts. You will be in the middle of this.

None of us knows what will happen if you decide to move MIL in with you. But those of us who’ve been here for a while can predict based on experience what could happen.

Whatever you decide to do, I know we all wish you peace with your decision. And this decision is all your’s.

Remember that being there for an elderly family members doesn't mean that they have to live with you.

You can find a nice facility that can meet her needs near enough to you that you can be her advocate and friend. Residents do better when they have a family member or 2 that come visit and check on their care. Someone to bring cookies to their caregivers.

That is as important as wiping her behind.

I am glad that you are rethinking this whole situation. You will not be unhappy that you did.

It is admirable that you want to give this stranger called mom(in law) a home and care. You can do that, at a facility with professional caregivers. It is really the best solution with dementia. I placed my dad and he did so much better than he would have living in my home. He had peers to shoot the breeze with, they walked and took cabs to go have lunch or go to Walmart. I could do enrichment activities that I would never have been able to do with all the work a demented old person brings with them.

Best of luck finding the perfect fit and convincing her to move closer to her son and her friend (you).

Yellow; I applaud you and your husband wanting to do the right thing by his mom.

But dementia is a game changer.

Her brain is broken and there is no way of "convincing" or "reasoning" any more.

Your best bet is to wait until she is hospitalized again and at that time, work with the social services department at the hospital to find her appropriate placement.

You need to figure out if that placement should be bear where she currently resides or near you.

If you decide placement should be close to you, she is going to have to pay for medical transport from the hospital to the facilty. This can be very expensive.

Who has POA for her finances? Does she have the funds for a facility? Or will her POA need to apply for LTC Medicaid on her behalf?

Geeeeez,

You have a challenge on your hands. It’s your decision to make but the fact that you are reaching out to a forum tells me that you have questions which is completely normal.

I did what you are considering. I moved my mom into our home for nearly 15 years. It isn’t easy even in the best of circumstances. You don’t have the best of circumstances and it becomes more difficult as it continues. I had challenges with my mom too. I understand what you are facing.

I strongly urge you to consider other arrangements. You can still check on her and your life won’t be severely changed. If she moves in everything will change. Trust me I know. I burned out. Mom is no longer with me. I am like your husband and have not had contact with her since she left. No one wants a conflicted relationship. Unfortunately. sometimes it happens. I empathize greatly with you and your husband and I hope it works out in everyone’s best interest.

It's one thing if they are healthy and pleasant, its not a problem. Or if they had a bodily illness, but their brain is okay and they are pleasent, plus have a caregiver, thats fine.
But if they have dementia, thats a full time job right there. One that is very demanding and draining. You would definitely need to find someone to help. And she might Not be agreeable with them.

Memory care would be better for her sake and yours

Why in the world would you want her to live with you? If your husband hasn't talked to her in 25 years, there is an issue, why bring the issue to your door.

My advice, find an AL facility for her, she has some serious issues that you will not be able to deal with.

You can care for her even if she doesn't live with you.

With the complications you have already stated, and are aware of, hon--I worry for you a whole lot.
This isn't to say that if you get this move accomplished, it is certain to be a catastrophe, but with your Mom and your Hubby starting out unable to communicate I am afraid all signs point to trouble ahead. I know this isn't something you are unaware of and something you have not considered.
At least, if this doesn't work out, his Mom will be more near you when she requires placement.
As to the individual problems she presents with, I just wish I had a clue of a solution. I hope others will have. If you have been on the forum here for any amount of time you will know we are a diverse group. I fall on one end of the spectrum in that I do not give direct care to the person I love--whereas there are people here who care for people who honestly abused them much of their lives as family. So we are pretty wide ranging. I hope you will stick around, read, and ask questions. I couldn't wish you more luck.
It is to my mind most crucial that you and Hubby are on the same page. It needs to be an agreement that this will work out in a certain time frame or it is clear that it cannot work, and placement will be sought with loving visits and caring done, but not on a live in basis.
You have lots of your plate. Good luck!

"Doing my best at it, giving her the best life possible and you people just are not making it sound that easy..." Because it's anything but easy. Even the strongest marriage - and my marriage is strong like Gorilla Glue - will have unnecessary stress and strains put upon both spouses. Many marriages break under the weight of caregiving for a parent let alone a parent with dementia and also one who is completely stubborn.

I too am the wife of a POA (both medical and financial). And I have stuck by my husband through 10 years of hardship: 5+ years of caring for my in-laws in their home (i.e. enabling them to live alone when they no longer could) and 5 additional years of caring for FIL (MIL died) living in independent living. After 10+ years of staying through thick and thin, I have announced to everyone that I am moving back home in the next year or two for myriad reasons including that my FIL is completely stubborn and his dementia is still considered mild.

Your husband can manager his mother's care from 1000 miles away. Plenty of POAs do it. In my opinion, the question you should be asking is "How can I help my husband manage his mother's care from 1000 miles away?" You will get far more productive and actionable answers to that question.

Read the book "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast. Others may have other book suggestions.

Don’t bring her in your home or feel guilty for not doing it. She needs to be in a nursing home. My mother is the same way except she is 95 years old and doesn’t have dementia. She remembers everything. But she is very stubborn. She won’t go to doctors appointments. She is stubborn but clearly needs help. Don’t put yourself through it. You’ll wind up resentful and your marriage will suffer from the added stress! I will never have my mother move in with me. I was told by an elder lawyer that there is nothing I can do. She can make her own bad decisions. She is a hoarder, a gambling addict, and now she drinks alcohol every night. No thanks. Don’t let her move in unless you want to be miserable the rest of your life!! I guarantee you move her in and 2 weeks later you will want her out of your house!!!

My mother n law had mild dementia and cancer. She was in a nursing home for palliative care. She was in there for a month. It cost 16,000 a month to have her there. My sister n law didn’t think she was getting the proper care. She wanted to bring her to her own house. Her husband RELUCTANTLY agreed. She was home 3 days when my sister n law said she can’t do it anymore. She kept says she wanted to go home!! My mother n law kept saying take me home!! Sundowning at night was the worst. Screaming!! Trying to get out of her bed with the rails up. She was using hospice at my sister n laws house. She was on oxygen and could barely breathe and if she got out of bed she couldn’t walk. The cancer spread to her bones!! But she was hell bent on getting out of that bed all hours of the night!!! They had to wait for a bed available at the hospice facility. So she had to stay at my sister n laws. She died 2 weeks later.

Needhelpwithmom, yes I agree!!!

You say she and hubs have not spoken in 25 years,, but now she is letting him in. And she flat out refuses to go to the Dr with out a vocal hissy fit. So you move her in with you ( somehow) and suppose something "bad" happens.. You have no recent medical records, don't know her meds, history, etc. And she won't talk to hubs ( it could start again once you have her at your house).. so now what? Drs want history? She doesn't like hubs ( and you will be next when you "don't take her home") You are now going to be responsible. If she has not been to a Dr, I assume she has no legal diagnosis of Dementia? So they may find her "capable" and you will be in the hot seat. This sounds terrible to me! My mom can showtime the Dr like no ones business,, luckily he gets my "eye rolls".. but I am afraid if the crap hits the fan,, mom is "capable". And it scares me to death! I am myself about to write one of those "before the visit" letters,, I really want ALZ in her records to protect myself. Good luck with this!

Alvadeer, I bet NONE of the doctors have their elders living with them!!! The only possible way it could be a perfect solution is if the adult child and parent were always close, like best friends, were always thoughtful of each other, never got on each others nerves, and did NOT have DEMENTIA. That would be the perfect world. That would be the perfect scenario.

Well, Palliataive care... Doctor or nurses will come to her. Ask her doctor and insurance about palliative care services, it's not Hospice, it's there for people who cannot make it to a doctor's appointment, so, they come to you. For instance, my relative is wheel chair bound, and it takes a lot to get a wheel chair taxi to drive her there, and then to make sure she isn't waiting hours for a return home...
If you move mom in with you, that sounds like a disaster if hubby and ma haven't talked in 25 years, and you think your just going to move her?
If she owns home, you may want to think about trying to sell it, to pay for housing, to have her move into senior living or Assisted living. Find a place close to you, within 5 miles if possible, start looking..... That's all you need to do, start looking into different places, and even 6 packs 6 residents and 2 caretakers. Since you are only the daughter in law, who hasn't spoken to MIL in 25 years too, it's not your battle....She will blame you... You don't need that....
No other relaives,,, no siblings, cousins,.. so you need to have her closer to you.... Not with you, unless you have tons of energy and extra help, to keep her calm....

Ensure mixed in with milkshakes are good mix.

I can tell. This will not work out. It’s your husbands mother. Not yours. Let him feel gyre out how to get her to your house. Truthfully I think he should be looking st full time care near where she is now

baby steps... you and hubby must take a long week and stay with her at the home. Get her a well check or geriatric check. Palliative care if she won't go, they should say, ok, we will go to her... Spend a week with her in her home, and start looking at AL places there, they give tours and a free lunch... Schedule these appointments witht he thought she will go. She may refuse, but tell her nice to get out and meet people.... Lunch.. Social activities, and she won't be alone.

Then show her brochures of places near you, so she can be closer to your home...
and ask her if she would like to visit places near your home...

So if you stay with her for a week at her house, this may give you glimpse of the future if she moved in with you. Change is very hard for older people, and it doesn't come without a price....
Once they get in the mindset that they were dealt the wrong cards.. well you get it.