How do you deal with complete stubbornness?

Moving her into your home would be the absolute worst thing you could do. And you will be the one doing all the caretaking. Is this really what you want?

You are about to make a bad situation 100x worse.

Holy cow, why on earth are you moving this unmanageable woman with an unmanageable disease into your home?? Do either of you have any idea what you're signing up for? Or what dementia looks and feels like? If care givers are at their wits end, and they have experience with such things, how are YOU planning to deal with her not eating, not going to the doctor, and the 200 other issues that go hand in hand with dementia? Not to mention your husband has not spoken to the woman in 25 years which means they have NO relationship, and he has no idea WHO she is!

Please rethink this entire decision which sounds like a gigantic mistake. Dementia is a disease that requires a round the clock staff to deal with, in a Memory Care community, where they are properly trained and equipped. A doctor comes into the facility to see the residents, so she can't say she's not going.......the doctor will come to HER. Peanut butter sandwiches are not served in MCs, so she'll also be getting better nourishment with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, not to mention activities designed for the memory impaired. Incontinence issues, bathing, wandering at night, temper tantrums and agitation.......its all handled FOR you in such communities. Your only job is to pay the rent and go visit as desired.

Best of luck

You don’t say why you’ve made this decision, but I agree with the others that this is a huge mistake. Is your husband pressuring you into this? If he is, why? He and his mother don’t get along. He is the only family she has left, but it seems he is family in name only.

The cost of getting her to your home via medical transport would be phenomenal. Flying with her could be disastrous as well as trying to drive with her. You’d have to stop overnight if you drove.

Sit down with your husband and explain to him that the logistics of this decision are way out of whack and it’s not going to work. You will not give up your life and sanity and perhaps even your marriage to care for her. If you do, it’s on you and you’ll have to grin and bear it. If you do not have POA for her, you’ll have to apply for emergency guardianship. Search out facilities in the area and enlist their help in moving her to one.

Seems to me you are walking into a disaster. If she is so stubborn now, in her own home, how does your husband plan to caregive her when they haven't spoken for 25 years?? I think a facility where she can be cared for by professionals who have experience with dementia is going to be necessary in order to keep your sanity. She is not going to get better, more cooperative, etc.  It is not clear from your post whether she is at the point where guardianship could be gained - then you make the decisions and she has no choice in the matter. But if she is still legally competent, how will you try to control her eating, etc.?  I don't see how you can. Then the only way to stay sane is to allow her to what she wants and make it clear that ALL the consequences are on her and you are not going to rescue here. How would that work if she is in your home? And I am wondering exactly who is going to be doing the hands-on care? Your husband, since she is his mother? But the main thing is: this is not in mom's best interest!!  She will receive better care in a memory facility than she could in your home, unless you have so much money that you can turn your home into a one-person memory care center.

But it is not the only option. She may need a nursing home, perhaps in the memory care unit, depending on how advanced her condition is.

While this is a nice thing to try to do for your MIL, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's not too late to make other arrangements.

IF you insist on doing this, then you should line up some home health aides because this is probably not a one person job.

Best of luck.

Remember that being there for an elderly family members doesn't mean that they have to live with you.

You can find a nice facility that can meet her needs near enough to you that you can be her advocate and friend. Residents do better when they have a family member or 2 that come visit and check on their care. Someone to bring cookies to their caregivers.

That is as important as wiping her behind.

I am glad that you are rethinking this whole situation. You will not be unhappy that you did.

It is admirable that you want to give this stranger called mom(in law) a home and care. You can do that, at a facility with professional caregivers. It is really the best solution with dementia. I placed my dad and he did so much better than he would have living in my home. He had peers to shoot the breeze with, they walked and took cabs to go have lunch or go to Walmart. I could do enrichment activities that I would never have been able to do with all the work a demented old person brings with them.

Best of luck finding the perfect fit and convincing her to move closer to her son and her friend (you).

Geeeeez,

You have a challenge on your hands. It’s your decision to make but the fact that you are reaching out to a forum tells me that you have questions which is completely normal.

I did what you are considering. I moved my mom into our home for nearly 15 years. It isn’t easy even in the best of circumstances. You don’t have the best of circumstances and it becomes more difficult as it continues. I had challenges with my mom too. I understand what you are facing.

I strongly urge you to consider other arrangements. You can still check on her and your life won’t be severely changed. If she moves in everything will change. Trust me I know. I burned out. Mom is no longer with me. I am like your husband and have not had contact with her since she left. No one wants a conflicted relationship. Unfortunately. sometimes it happens. I empathize greatly with you and your husband and I hope it works out in everyone’s best interest.

Why in the world would you want her to live with you? If your husband hasn't talked to her in 25 years, there is an issue, why bring the issue to your door.

My advice, find an AL facility for her, she has some serious issues that you will not be able to deal with.

You can care for her even if she doesn't live with you.

Needhelpwithmom, yes I agree!!!

You say she and hubs have not spoken in 25 years,, but now she is letting him in. And she flat out refuses to go to the Dr with out a vocal hissy fit. So you move her in with you ( somehow) and suppose something "bad" happens.. You have no recent medical records, don't know her meds, history, etc. And she won't talk to hubs ( it could start again once you have her at your house).. so now what? Drs want history? She doesn't like hubs ( and you will be next when you "don't take her home") You are now going to be responsible. If she has not been to a Dr, I assume she has no legal diagnosis of Dementia? So they may find her "capable" and you will be in the hot seat. This sounds terrible to me! My mom can showtime the Dr like no ones business,, luckily he gets my "eye rolls".. but I am afraid if the crap hits the fan,, mom is "capable". And it scares me to death! I am myself about to write one of those "before the visit" letters,, I really want ALZ in her records to protect myself. Good luck with this!