Follow
Share

How do you deal with a mother who is OCD and the primary caregiver for your father? My mom has been a clean freak most of her life and as she's gotten older she now seems focused on her cleaning routines and says taking care of my dad is too much.


I question why, you are not going to be doing much different? Doing laundry, cooking and cleaning won't be much different whether my dad lives there or not. What changes are his specific needs and her constant demands to raise his feet due to Edema or trying to keep him using his walker so he doesn't fall. Because he doesn't always comply it makes her crazy and it angers him due to the constant orders to comply. After a while I note you can only do so much! He won't remember and repeating this behavior is making you both crazy!


I'm seeking advise from others who may have had similar situations, knowing that every situation and person is different.


Please be kind and respectful, or don't reply.


Thank you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Because being a care giver is stressful and your mom has to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces, so to speak, when something happens to your dad, because your dad doesn't do what she needs him to do for his own sake. Such as elevating his feet.
She's stressed and sad and probably burned out. Maybe she needs a respite break.
I realize this isn't what you probably want to hear. It's a hard situation to be in your shoes and your mom's. Pretty much it just sucks for everyone and there aren't a lot of good answers. Probably no good answers. I'm sorry.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
Perfectly sensible answer.
(1)
Report
As much as you say your father is unlikely to change, neither is your mother. These two have their own dynamic, as they have for years, and it's not something that anyone can alter, I'm sure. My mother thought she was 'taking care' of my father after he fell & broke his hip, but what she was doing was driving him crazy! No matter what I said to her, she felt the need to do things 'her way' and they both wound up suffering. OCD doesn't begin to describe my mother's behavior...........she was the one who'd be up at 6am vacuuming my room when I was a child. And washing the walls. And and and. Things did not change, even now, at 93, living in Memory Care and suffering from dementia. She is still OCD enough to know that papers cannot be out on the table and everything has to be JUST SO. Nobody can tell her differently, either.

Leave your parents alone to work out their own lives and their own issues. There's nothing you can do about any of it anyway, so why drive yourself crazy? Your mother CAN be medicated for OCD, but if she's anything like mine, she wouldn't hear of 'helping herself'.

Wishing you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Gnarley Mar 2020
I'm not driving myself crazy. Why does everyone assume something from a paragraph or two that have been shared? I'm actually coming about this very rationally and patiently.

What I said was "I'm seeking advise from others who may have had similar situations, knowing that every situation and person is different."

Your situation sounds similar, yes but it's different.

So, knowing my mom says this is wearing on her and she doesn't know how long she can do this for I'm watching. There will likely come a time she can't do it anymore. It's not so easy to ship someone off to a Board and Care when they don't have the funds to pay for it, there is no long term care for them so it will drain the savings they have. The longer my dad can stay at home the better off they are financially. Repeating to my mom that she has chosen to do all of the extra work so frequently is her choice and it seems to be slowly making her think about it and back off. She is 92 but also is still pretty sharp and has some short term memory issues, doesn't everyone at that age?
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
I am a bit of OCD myself. Very into control of the situation. This gets to be at its worst with anxiety and it is an attempt to bring order to a situation that feels to your Mom to be out of control, or with a potential for getting out of control. You could gain a lot of incite by reading about this condition. The cleaning is bringing a sense of order to her disordered mind, a sense of control. That would be my personal advice as someone who suffers a bit from this condition. Anxiety makes my world go wonky. Cleaning, sewing, cutting fabric, ironing, folding, all bring a sense of peace and disorder to my troubled mind. I call these things my "zen". So even if she does it so much more than she needs to, understand it is her way of comforting herself. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Gnarley Mar 2020
I know this is what she knows and there's not much anyone could do to change it, yet it wears her down and then complains about it.

It's a no win situation.
(1)
Report
I second what Ahmijoy has said. She is doing her best to care for him. She sees the results if he does not elevate his feet. Plus, edema can lead to blood clots which can cause serious issues.

I would like to add one more point. This is your mom’s life. It is just as hard for her. Being a caregiver is tough. It has become a pattern. One that is hard to break. How do I know? I was a caregiver to my mom in my home for 15 years. She is following her routine. I’m sorry if it is excessive in certain areas. Yes, repetition is unnerving.

It’s a huge responsibility to care for someone and unless you have walked in that person’s shoes you really don’t have a clue. I know that I didn’t understand before being a hands on caregiver what it entailed.

She is overseeing your dad’s wellbeing and is his advocate to his doctors. The doctor speaks to the caregiver as much as he does the patient so she wants to make sure that your dad is following the doctor’s orders. I can guarantee this is exhausting for your mom as it was for me.

Maybe her approach isn’t the best. The stress of caregiving can take it’s toll on a person. Too much togetherness is hard on both of your parents. Does your mom get a break? Is she getting enough sleep and so on? All of this factors into her behavior? If she is burning out she needs relief. Talk about some alternatives. The OCD behavior may also be a coping mechanism for her.

I am not in any way trying to be unkind. I am only giving you my perspective as a former caregiver. Please tell us any other pertinent information about the situation so we can help you. Others will offer solutions as well.

All the best to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Because what your mother is doing for your father, I.e. raising his feet to alleviate his edema and insisting he use his walker, is for his own well-being, I don’t see her requests as unreasonable. She’s doing it for his own good and probably following doctor’s orders. If she has disclosed to you that taking care of your father is “too much”, it might be time for you to have a conversation about alternative placement with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Gnarley Mar 2020
She's doing it for his own good, yes! But as all of us should know, you can't change anyone, right? You're not going to make the person who had a stroke remember. Since we can take drugs for the edema, then maybe we can back off on raising the feet so often. She forgets he's got brain damage from his stroke and becomes overbearing which makes her upset because he's not compliant. I'm coaching her to help her understand she can only do so much and he's unlikely to change or remember.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter