How do you deal with an OCD mom?

Because being a care giver is stressful and your mom has to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces, so to speak, when something happens to your dad, because your dad doesn't do what she needs him to do for his own sake. Such as elevating his feet.
She's stressed and sad and probably burned out. Maybe she needs a respite break.
I realize this isn't what you probably want to hear. It's a hard situation to be in your shoes and your mom's. Pretty much it just sucks for everyone and there aren't a lot of good answers. Probably no good answers. I'm sorry.

As much as you say your father is unlikely to change, neither is your mother. These two have their own dynamic, as they have for years, and it's not something that anyone can alter, I'm sure. My mother thought she was 'taking care' of my father after he fell & broke his hip, but what she was doing was driving him crazy! No matter what I said to her, she felt the need to do things 'her way' and they both wound up suffering. OCD doesn't begin to describe my mother's behavior...........she was the one who'd be up at 6am vacuuming my room when I was a child. And washing the walls. And and and. Things did not change, even now, at 93, living in Memory Care and suffering from dementia. She is still OCD enough to know that papers cannot be out on the table and everything has to be JUST SO. Nobody can tell her differently, either.

Leave your parents alone to work out their own lives and their own issues. There's nothing you can do about any of it anyway, so why drive yourself crazy? Your mother CAN be medicated for OCD, but if she's anything like mine, she wouldn't hear of 'helping herself'.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I am a bit of OCD myself. Very into control of the situation. This gets to be at its worst with anxiety and it is an attempt to bring order to a situation that feels to your Mom to be out of control, or with a potential for getting out of control. You could gain a lot of incite by reading about this condition. The cleaning is bringing a sense of order to her disordered mind, a sense of control. That would be my personal advice as someone who suffers a bit from this condition. Anxiety makes my world go wonky. Cleaning, sewing, cutting fabric, ironing, folding, all bring a sense of peace and disorder to my troubled mind. I call these things my "zen". So even if she does it so much more than she needs to, understand it is her way of comforting herself. Good luck.

I second what Ahmijoy has said. She is doing her best to care for him. She sees the results if he does not elevate his feet. Plus, edema can lead to blood clots which can cause serious issues.

I would like to add one more point. This is your mom’s life. It is just as hard for her. Being a caregiver is tough. It has become a pattern. One that is hard to break. How do I know? I was a caregiver to my mom in my home for 15 years. She is following her routine. I’m sorry if it is excessive in certain areas. Yes, repetition is unnerving.

It’s a huge responsibility to care for someone and unless you have walked in that person’s shoes you really don’t have a clue. I know that I didn’t understand before being a hands on caregiver what it entailed.

She is overseeing your dad’s wellbeing and is his advocate to his doctors. The doctor speaks to the caregiver as much as he does the patient so she wants to make sure that your dad is following the doctor’s orders. I can guarantee this is exhausting for your mom as it was for me.

Maybe her approach isn’t the best. The stress of caregiving can take it’s toll on a person. Too much togetherness is hard on both of your parents. Does your mom get a break? Is she getting enough sleep and so on? All of this factors into her behavior? If she is burning out she needs relief. Talk about some alternatives. The OCD behavior may also be a coping mechanism for her.

I am not in any way trying to be unkind. I am only giving you my perspective as a former caregiver. Please tell us any other pertinent information about the situation so we can help you. Others will offer solutions as well.

All the best to you and your family.

Because what your mother is doing for your father, I.e. raising his feet to alleviate his edema and insisting he use his walker, is for his own well-being, I don’t see her requests as unreasonable. She’s doing it for his own good and probably following doctor’s orders. If she has disclosed to you that taking care of your father is “too much”, it might be time for you to have a conversation about alternative placement with her.