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My mother can take care of herself physically but is very emotionally needy and a drama queen. She lives with me. She’s “afraid” to live alone. She throws a fit when I go out for a day trip with my gentleman friend. I really hate emotionally dependent people. It isn’t my job to be her entertainment. She can still drive locally but won’t. If her one friend that is left (they’ve others have all passed) asks her to go anywhere she makes all kinds of excuses of why she doesn’t want to go, then bitches that she’s stuck at home. Really wish she’d go to assisted living but she won’t. I feel like she will live to be 120 just to aggravate me. I know this all sounds terrible but she has forced me to be her “parent” since I was a young gal (10 years old) and sees nothing wrong with it. Everyone loves her because they don’t know what a selfish bitch she can be. God forgive me but I want her gone so I can have my life back. I’m 70.

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Meant to say male not mail!!! lol
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SnoopyLove Jun 1, 2025
Hey, hopefully he writes her a love letter or two! 😉
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If nothing else, you could very easily lose your mail friend. He may well have already seen how caring can take over someone's life. Why would he want to take that on? You owe it to yourself to enjoy your twilight years. Your mother has already lived her life. Do not live with the regret of losing the chance of love and companionship. I am in a similar situation, though I do not live with my self-centred mother, who has only done whatever she wanted to do for the last 70 years. I know that the resentment would fester forever if I lost my new love due to all consuming care responsibilities.
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Instead of living bitter and resentful, move mom to assisted living. Do so without apology or guilt, and without falling for her wants and wishes. Neither of you is happy with the current situation. Happy may be over for her but yours can be regained.
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You just do what you want. Do not enable her or disable her. You have given her a place to live. Tell her its not your job to be there with her 24/7. She has a friend who has asked her out. She is very capable of doing for herself. You have a life separate from her and you are going to enjoy it.

If she wants more than you are willing to give, and has the money, then she needs to go into an AL. There she gets 3 meals a day, space of her own, activities, outings and company.
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I understand. I have found Jerry Rice on YouTube helpful in dealing with enmeshment and self differentiation from toxic family dynamics. People who had good enough families and childhood do not get it. There are tons of other resources on YouTube and in person. You are correct, mother will not change. You deserve to live your own life, free from guilt and obligation. And to Enjoy it! Without any guilt. You did nothing wrong. It was a terrible disservice what was done to us by parents who had never healed their own wounds or even understood them. Parentification is a topic to look up. Move her out and visit and enjoy your life. Don’t share too much with mom about how happy you are.
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Look up *Shadowing beahviour*.

Being independant physically (dressing, washing etc) is good. It certainly gets harder when assistance is needed. Especially toileting.

Yet *emotional dependance* can be crushing to a caregiver. A nurse in an Aged Care Home once told me Shadowing Beahviours are either top or 2nd top (behind incontinence) to why elders require 24/7 care living. Their anxiety (medicated or not) gets high without their care person. This wears there caregiver out.

It certainly wore my Father out. Mother didn't want him to leave the room, certainly not be left with an aide while he left the house.

Yet now she seems content in AL. Feels safe in her room, enjoys group activities during the week & has others to dine with. Unfortunately she had outgrown have ONE person for company -
I think they knew it but didn't know how to fix it, or weren't ready for change (or separation) 😞
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No, she hasn't forced you to do ANYTHING.
You are an adult now.
Now is the time you make your own choices for your own life.
I assume that your mother is living in YOUR home, not you living in hers. If that is the case tell her you don't wish to live with her anymore and have decided now to live alone. Tell her you will help her find safe housing for herself or ALF.

I could be wrong, but I honestly cannot imagine a 93 year old being safe enough to be out on the roads. The reflexes simply are not quick enough for that.

You will have to grab the bull by the horns and tell Mom that you don't wish to live with anyone any more and that includes her.
Again, this is your choice to make as an adult.
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Here is the thing...let her complain all she wants. But don't ever let it stop you from doing whatever you want. She can be mad you have plans which means she either gets over it or dies mad. You still get to keep & enjoy your plans.

Next time she turns down an invite from her friend tell you NEVER want to hear again how she doesn't get to go out.

My father refused hearing aids and I made it clear to him I was not taking on extra work because he refused to help himself. He certainly tried to get me to be his ears for him. I just said NO. It is really that simple. World will not come to an end if you say NO to something you don't want to do.

yes she could force you to be her parent when you were 10. You aren't 10 anymore and she doesn't get a say in what you can/will or can't/will not do.
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You've let her take over your life. Now you need to retake your life by telling her gently that she needs to move.

Simple as that.

"Oh, but...." You can certainly come up with lots of reasons why you put up with this, now you need to come up with more reasons why you won't. DO IT NOW!

You're already taking a huge chance that she will develop a debilitating illness or dementia, which already may be the case. If she's still in your home, you will be totally trapped. At that point she'll be your whole life - no day trips, your male friend decamps for someone else who is more fun, and your home becomes a nursing home. Is that what you want? I think not! Run while you can, and good luck.
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Depending on your legal capabilities such as POA and how intertwined your finances are, you may be the one who will need to move out, worst case.

I think you should also seek support from a therapist since you are probably locked in a very intense co-dependent relationship. You CAN say no to your mother. You are now in a parent role and need to tell her how things are going to be. She is going to move out and you are going to help her move out, and it is non-negotiable. If she does not cooperate, here are the consequences: you will leave instead and no longer help her. If you can't act like the parent, which also means not being swayed by her mean words or tears, then you need the psychological support and tools to separate yourself from this enmeshed relationship.

I joke sometimes that my mother keeps living out of spite, but I'm basically the parent in the relationship now. She can't do anything herself that requires executive function, so I control all of her appointments, finances, and medical care. It's a huge burden and she doesn't care. She just wants what she wants (money to replace her wardrobe constantly, etc.) and her whining and complaining and petulance drive me bonkers. But I moved her into AL so I only have to see her once a week, which is my limit.

You need to find the strength to get your mother out and live your own life.
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Beatty May 30, 2025
Hey Shirley, 🙌 livin' that life too! Wearing all the hats from finance to medical organiser to emotional support.

Sometimes I feel generous, like the wind beneath her wings. Other times I feel like am supporting the weight of a matriach elephant 🐘
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I think you know the answer is to just decide to move her out. At 93 it's possible she has mild dementia and the increasing drama is because her brain is breaking. Are you her PoA? Does she have one? If not, this needs to happen for both of your sakes. Please let us know so we can give guidance on how to work towards getting this to happen, even if she's resistant. If you are not her PoA and don't wish to be, than please know that your home is her legal residence and you cannot force her to leave without going through an eviction process. And then, or course, she needs a place to move. Have you looked at the cost of AL? Does your Mom have the money to pay for it? If not, you will need to contact the county social services to see if she can get a 3rd party legal guardian at some point. Then they will move her and will take over 100% of her care and decisions, managing her finances, etc. Many a well-meaning adult child attempts to live with an aging parent in decline, and many are stuck like you are. Please provide more information so we can try to help you.
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Since you want your mother gone (in more ways than one) perhaps it's now best that you put your big girl pants on and tell her that her time living with you will be up at the end of June and she has until then to find a nice assisted living facility, or some other place to live.
That will give her time to go visit some facilities and realize what they all have to offer, and that she'll be around other folks her age to socialize with if she so chooses. And it will allow you to get your life back without having to worry about leaving her alone, and without having to deal with her drama.
It will be a win win for you both.
I wish you well in standing strong with your big girl panties on and taking your life back.
You can do this!!!
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