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Husband depressed because he can't land a contract due to obvious dementia (which he denies). Started drinking heavily, but we did a family intervention. He blames all of it on me and wants nothing to do with me now. He's always been a wizard at computer technology, but now he has trouble just getting one hooked up. He has other physical issues which have to be cared for, so leaving him really isn't an option.

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Leaving him certainly IS an option. He’s apparently an alcoholic who abuses you. You don’t have to take that from anyone, husband or not.
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Reply to Fawnby
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It is time to have a sit down with your hubby's doctors. This is only going to get worse. He will soon enough not be manageable. You need help and options for managing all this, and if hubby cannot cooperate he will need to be in memory care placement sooner than later. I am so sorry. You will not change this. This is dementia. It isn't something you can "work with" or "work around". It is something that will have to be controlled eventually. Truly I am very sorry. Denial is a large part of dementia, especially earlier onset.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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How old is your husband and what are the other physical issues he has? This would be helpful for context.

When you say "obvious dementia" do you mean anyone can tell he has a problem in the first few minutes of interaction? Or do you mean it is apparent to you that he must have dementia? Sometimes those behaviors are actually a symptoms of another health problem, like a brain tumor or other possibly *treatable* illness. Most dementias are diagnosed by a thorough physical examination and lab work and sometimes imaging to discount all other possibilities of causes. Your hubs will need this exam anyway if he ever needs medication for depression (hint) and anxiety. If he indeed has dementia, his broken brain cannot bring his moods and emotions under control anymore so he needs help to do this.

I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. Please provide more information so that we can give you the most appropriate guidance.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MTNester1 Dec 6, 2025
Yes, he's 78. He has Afib, congestive heart failure, and severe lymphedema in both his lower extremities. He also had a cerebral hemorrhage and has been on medication as a preventive measure for 40 years. Every time he tries to go off, he has a seizure. This year he had a mini-stroke and I'm not sure he hasn't had more lately.
My family and I see the dementia but right now, he is able to fool the doctors and our friends. He's pretty much a recluse due to the lymphedema, so 15-20 minutes is about all he ever spends around people. Very easy to fool people when you don't have much interaction with them.
He had a CT scan and a MRI. We are still waiting for results of that.
I am aware of some of these other illnesses that can make it seem like dementia. We have a relatively new doctor and I'm trying to get comfortable with him before I start pushing too much. But, at 78, I would lean towards dementia. But then, I'm not a doctor, just a wife who doesn't have answers yet.
Thanks for your response and understanding.
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Place him in Memory Care Assisted Living. Then he won't have to see you anymore, nor will he have access to liquor.

Your husband appears to be suffering from anosognosia which is not denial, but the inability for a dementia patient to recognize his deficits. Agingcare has an article about it.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Once you have a diagnosis, there are medications that can calm his moods, anger, and frustration. I hope his doctor(s) can find a dosage or combination that works for him. Reading your comments below about watching him lose his wisdom and knowledge, and his personality, it really heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Reply to MG8522
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Perhaps the drinking is a coping mechanism for loss of control over his life. A doctor will be able to prescribe a medication that will be more helpful for his anxiety and depression. I would guess the family meeting exacerbated the problem rather than helping. If he has dementia therapy being helpful is questionable. I hope he has, or can find a good geriatric doctor.
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Reply to AnnetteDe
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Just leave. He doesn't want you around. He wants nothing to do with you.

At the bare minimum take a weekend off. Go visit family. Book a cruise for only you. He doesn't want you around. Take off.

Check out AlAnon for you. Get a therapist for you that specializes in alcoholism in family.

Alcoholism is linked to mental decline. Wernicke Korsakoffs. Also, alcoholism causes depression.

Drinkers in their late 70's won't stop drinking.

I do not regret distancing myself from alcoholic Dad in his 80's. He passed out drunk in a parking lot next to cornfields. This was in a small town. I had incredible shame and embarrassment but distanced myself after this action.
He was angry and miserable to be around and ate very little and started drinking at 10:00 am in the morning.

You are responsible for you.

The alcoholic is responsible for themself.
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Reply to brandee
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Yeah, I agree with others. Take a vacation. Go to a full service hotel and sleep, order room service and explore the area. Go shopping. Get some spa services.

Either stay in your area or book a cruise. Go visit a child or a sibling if that applies. Etc.

You need to take care of yourself and your mental health and it can’t be sunshine and roses to deal with him all of the time.

You need some fresh air and some self care and a change of environment.
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Reply to southernwave
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Your situation is similar to my experience. I kept hoping and praying that my husband's heart would take him before the dementia became so bad that he'd need to go to Memory Care. Incontinence, seizures, denial ("I'm not the one with dementia, you are), being uncooperative and nasty, the list goes on. But his heart did take him and honestly, I was relieved. Many here suggested I should leave him, but I didn't feel physically threatened so therefore I didn't take that step. I hope you can come to the best decisions for yourself and your husband.
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Reply to graygrammie
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I would definitely try to get him to a doctor. Sometimes a spouse will listen to a doctor more than they will a spouse. Or, they will fake it and give the doctor a “show time”. Maybe you could record him at his worse to show medical personnel. It sounds like your husband is declining rapidly. Hospice could be called for coordination of his medications. They would help to provide care and personal hygiene assistance. Your husband no longer responds to you. I went through something similar with my former spouse 35 years ago. I left him due to his drinking. His mother moved in with him to try and control the alcohol intake so that he didn’t have seizures. He died in a year. Although sad, it was a relief on so many levels. It was toxic and took months for me to get over the verbal abuse. You need to take care of your mental and physical well being. Maybe you could stay with someone and check on him periodically-if you want-until his end.
All the best on taking care.
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Reply to DianaGearhart
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