How do you convince an unruly parent to go to a facility? Can I make her go? I’m mentally exhausted from dealing with her.

Thank you for your reply. I have told her that she is going somewhere after the holiday. I guess I feel guilty, but no idea why. She comes from a long line of children taking care of parents at home. I have explained I can’t do that. Just hard.

You are SO right about our brains causing most of this! Sometimes I do things just because it's easier than dealing with the pushback. She's VERY stubborn. I don't know how to describe her cognition other than mild-moderate. She forgets things sometimes, repeats things, has no money management skills, and sometimes makes bad decisions. She uses a walker and can get out of bed and wheelchair on her on and walks pretty much everywhere, but is very high risk for falls and requires help with dressing, bathing, toileting and cooking. I also have the guilty thoughts that she will likely decline once moved to a facility. I saw this happen at the 1st facility she was in and observed how much she improved once back at home. However, I realize HER life is what SHE makes it, and that's up to her.

Thank you for the reply and encouragement. I wish I was better at doing this. I have a plan to get her somewhere after the holidays. I hate it has taken me this long, because my family has suffered, but I'm way at past burned out and it's a necessity at this point. I'm still dreading the process because she is going to fight it. She's the type that would call a cab to come get her.

Thanks for replying. Sounds like you've been through a similar situation. I have told her about the money situation and my needs. She has no concept of money, says "I have money" which is barely enough to pay for her home expenses and everyday living, much less full time home care. She has a social worker through the Medicaid, but so far they have not been very helpful about changing care situations. I'm not sure how to "let her fail" since she needs 24 hour assistance/care. When I'm with her, I definitely let her see that she can't manage on her own and she knows this. She just lives in a fantasy world and has ridiculous solutions that are not feasible. She puts a guilt trip on me as well, says "I know you wouldn't put me in a NH" She's always been a manipulator without much success, BUT obviously it's working on me in her old age.

I want to know how the mother had a home to go back to after four years paid care in a nursing home.

Unless that asset was put into someone else's name. If so, then that person can borrow on it and pay for homecare.

I love the statement about the arrangement only works if it works for both parties. I'm going to use this with her! However, she knows it doesn't work for me, she just doesn't care. Her cognitive impairment is mild-moderate. She definitely understands when I'm making decisions she doesn't like..lol. The AL facility near her offers respite care where she could go for a trial visit but I really feel like she needs NH care. That's part of our battle. I'm going to check with a NH and see if they offer some type of respite care to ease her in there. One of her caregivers has been diagnosed with a serious illness and likely won't be able to work much longer, so it's a good time to make a move. Thanks for your comments and encouragement. I needed it!

Live in caregivers are such because they don’t want to accede to rules that agencies and especially facilities are bound to enforce. The caregiver for neighbors dad tried to stop neighbor from visiting him in the hospital. My uncle’s caregiver/girlfriend is still refusing to leave a month after he died. My in laws are now paying over 122k for their evening weekend sleep aide, which was a bargain at a 20/hour base for two people three years ago, but is now 90 percent her taking care of her cousin’s child by having her do performative child labor around them.

Thank you for your words. I have told her the truth multiple times. I'm brutally honest. I have done this nicely and we've had heated arguments over it. I just need to act and place her somewhere. My goal is to get her somewhere in January. The part I struggle with is pulling away. She requires 24 hour assistance with ADLs. I could elect not to hire the sitters when I go back home, but I would consider that neglect. She needs help with toileting, getting meals, etc. She knows she needs help but doesn't like to admit it. She'll cry and act like she's so sorry for keeping me away from my home, yet she refuses to budge. She's just a selfish individual. She already qualifies for Medicaid and has a daily 5 hour caregiver, however that's a drop in the bucket considering she needs round the clock assistance. I pay the additional caregivers to give myself a mental break and to spend time with my family. I hate missing out on time with my grandkids. I posted in this forum in search of ideas on how to go about actually convincing her to go and making this happen, preferably peacefully. I realize that's not likely..lol. It's up to me and I appreciate your suggestions.

Thanks for your compassion. I'm not 100% about the documentation on her mental status in current medical records with her primary doc. I doubt it, but I have a great relationship with her doctor and it would be no problem getting him to document that. Plus it was documented for her last admission.
I have taken multiple tours of homes at various levels of care. It's just a one sided tour. She refuses to go and look for herself. She has to be evaluated for AL, but what I've gathered is that she's borderline between AL and NH. Some facilities say that based on what I've told them, she'd need NH care. I've had several say she would likely qualify for AL, but I know she'd be at risk for falling there. So many NH are short on staff and funds, and the care is less than ideal. Just something I'm going to have to accept. I am the only one making decisions on her care. I have friends that I vent to often and that definitely helps. I recently joined this site and love getting responses from people who have experience dealing with elderly issues. Thank you again for your input.😊

Lol! Easier said than done. I guess I'm soft hearted

Thanks for replying! Yes, my DPOA is in effect. What would cause that to change? She was hospitalized in 2015, 2016 and 2019 and all times rehab/NH was recommended. In 2015 I pushed for short term rehab but ended up with her at my house afterwards because she wasn't strong enough. Never again will that happen! Terrible experience. The other times she went straight to a rehab facility and ended up being recommended for LTC. She is already on Medicaid and is enrolled in the Elderly Waiver Program that does provide some assistance but not near enough. She qualifies for the AL waiver and could transfer to that program but very few AL facilities in my area accept Medicaid. All NHs do and that is really the level of care she probably needs. She came home 4 years ago with a recently broken hip, bed ridden. Therapy worked wonders and she gets around with a walker fairly well once she gets up. She's diabetic (no meds at this time), has kidney disease, some GI issues, vision problems, but her biggest problems are severe arthritis in her hands which limits her ability to do a lot of things and limited mobility in general due to poor strength. She's at very high risk for falls. She has dizziness and balance issues in addition to the above. And yes, she could probably sell her home to be able to pay for AL, if she'd qualify for that level of care. Thank you again for all of the information

Great point! I so appreciate the encouragement. It helps to hear confirmation of what I already know. I'm psyching myself up for January. She must go somewhere!

So true!

Thanks for responding. I have tried sorting through this guilty feeling for the last 2 years. I've been the "parent" in this relationship since I was a kid. I'm aware of all her antics and I'm quite used to it and usually have pretty good coping skills but this move has thrown me a loop! I have always kept her best interest at heart, but maintained my distance as an adult. We chatted on the phone weekly, only getting together on special occasions or if she truly needed assistance. I'm just saying we were not that close as many mother/daughters are. When she became ill, I was her best advocate for getting the best care, but the NH she was living in (supposedly the best in my county) declined while she was there. New DONs, lots of staff quit and went elsewhere. I saw my mother decline over these years and I attributed that partly to her health issues and age. However, when she came home, she thrived. Learned to walk after not getting proper therapy at the previous place, mainly due to COVID rule changes and limited staff. She started getting out in the community, her cognition improved, and her overall health improved. Although she would not be going back to that particular facility, I somehow believe I'd be contributing to her demise, thus the guilt. Now granted, she picks and chooses what she puts her efforts into, and if she chooses to do nothing for herself once she moves, I know that has nothing to do with me. The 2 facilities I have narrowed to are good and I know people at both places as it's a small town...her hometown. I don't have any places near my home that are decent so I'd be most comfortable with her there although it's farther away. Thanks for letting me explain and vent! Regardless of my unfounded feelings, she's got to go! And very good point about the generations of caregivers. You are right!

Thanks for sharing your story and so happy you got your life back. It all hits very close to home. I remind her daily to do her exercises and she has very little interest, especially since we've been having some serious talks about moving. I try to tell her she's just hurting herself. My husband has been very supportive and thank God, my kids are grown, but I have grandkids I'm missing out on. I have just lost myself in this whole process. I CANNOT wait to get back to a normal life. It's unfortunate that it has taken me this long to put my foot down. I love this supportive forum and appreciate your comments. I am making a move with her one way or another in January. I would rather it be a positive experience but it's clearly not going to be. I have friends who's parents are so agreeable to make that next life decision as they age. I can only wish...lol. We will all likely have to make those decisions if we live long enough. If I've learned nothing else, I know I will never burden my own children with what to do with me. We've already had that talk..lol! Thanks again for the advice. You are 100% spot on!

Sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation, that's for sure. She either doesn't understand the burden or refuses to acknowledge it-probably a little of both. I'm trying to avoid arguments with my mother, but shes going in January. I'm going to tell her she can make the best of it and I can visit regularly and she can come and visit me on special occasions/doctor's appointments-OR- if she chooses to throw a fit, I'll do it the hard way and find the necessary resources to get her there and keep my distance afterwards. I'm exhausted and over it.