As the daughter-in-law/ caregiver for my husband's mother, I am pretty much stuck housebound with her because she gets very confused away from home. She will not engage in activity most of the time a just wants to sit in the recliner, in front of TV and fall asleep.
I feel like she needs other stimulation since she loves talking to others when going to doctor or grocery store. My husband just says she is fine but does get frustrated with her inability to follow instructions or comprehend things. She does love when company comes to home to have someone else to talk to but that doesnt happen very often.
It’s one thing that you say you were elected caregiver, but when you decided that you will have no life outside of this, that means you CHOSE this position. I’m sorry you think so poorly of yourself that you didn’t make a normal and healthy decision to be a fully formed adult woman with her own life.
Of course, I’m sure you can understand how frustrating it is for us to see that you are a slave with no intention of standing up for yourself.
You WILL have a nervous breakdown. It’s not a matter of if, is a matter of when. You might even have to go in patient as some here have.
You are also modeling very poor behavior and choices to your children. Think about this.
Your husband isnt God and he isn’t in control of you. You don’t ask him if she can go to respite, you TELL him she is going to respite.
Then you book a girls trip or a solo trip and you go rest on a cruise or somewhere not there for 1-2 weeks.
Again, you WILL not come out of this situation well if you have no interest in protecting your physical, emotional and mental well-being. No one is looking out for you, not even your own self. This is pitiful. It truly is. I pity you.
How long have you been living as a caregiving slave with no rights or opinions and no life?
I apologize if this comes across as mean spirited. That is not my intent. I wanted you to know how your situation comes across to us and I think I’m more angry about your situation than you are. Why is that?
Your husband is very clearly rooting for your nervous breakdown as he doesn’t seem to care one bit about you.
No, the husband isn't rooting for his wife's nervous breakdown. He's maintaining the status quo by refusing to see how far gone with dementia his mother is and minimizing what caregiving for her is doing to his wife.
The 'girls trip' will not solve anything. The OP is going to have to make the daycare arrangements for the MIL or get a social worker to come into the home and make some. The husband isn't going to do it.
I'm not offering that as an answer, just as a comment to show how unreasonable this situation is.
The m-i-l could soon become distressed wherever she is and whoever she is with, as her dementia advances. Then, her familiar surroundings and d-i-l will no longer be able to comfort her. It may well be best to place her in memory care soon, before the loving d-i-l becomes too ill, herself, to provide care or ease her transition.
Start off with 2 days a week they give them snacks and lunch she will engage with others at the same level she is and she will enjoy herself.
it takes 3 adults to care for one adult. Where are the other two people?
What is your husband's long-term plan for her? (I'm not asking what your plan is because, based on what you've posted, your plan doesn't count. Or does it? At all?) The reason I'm asking about the long-term plan is that, if it's to keep her in your home until she dies, you are all on a rough road. Does husband have any idea how home care of a dementia patient can tear marriages apart? How her behavior will destroy any peace you have left? How your space will be invaded by Hoyer lifts, commode chairs by the bed (that need to be emptied and cleaned), too many Depends for the size of your garbage can?
You and husband need to discuss this before she gets any worse. Right now you are saving the situation with your devoted care. You may not be able to do that
much longer. Husband needs to care about you! You are important too.
Why is it up to the OP to bring in visitors and entertainments for her MIL? It's not.
Let her son make some arrangements for her or spend some of his free time doing puzzles with her. The OP even says that he gets 'frustrated' with his mother's inability to comprehend things. So he walks away and dumps the responsibility in his wife's lap.
The OP already has to cover everything for her MIL. She also has to design and orchestrate a social life with engaging entertainments for her too? Come on.
Doctors appointments and grocery shopping are not socializing. She needs to be in daycare or living somewhere there are activities, social interaction, and entertainments. Tell your husband you will not take care of her 24/7 and he either has to hire a homecare companion to take her out a few times a week along with daycare or she has to be moved out.
You may be able to find a volunteer to visit her on a regular basis. If not a volunteer, then hire a companion aide.
If you need more of a break than a couple hours away from her, then tell your husband you are done being her caregiver, and it is time to place her in a care home.
I can't tell from your question whether you are looking for company for your MIL, or if you are frustrated with being her constant housebound caregiver and looking for solutions.
Talk is cheap. No amount of explaining or complaining will ever make your husband understand that you need a break from caregiving and that MIL needs opportunities for socialization. Don't nag - you'll just get tuned out.
Instead, create opportunities where you are unavailable and your husband must assume caregiving duties by himself. Start small and build up to longer time periods.
When he complains, have solutions like going to an adult day program, a part time caregiver, and/or move to assisted living.
How is it that you became your husband's mother's caregiver in the first place? Even if you initially agreed to this, you can always redraw your boundaries for what you're willing to do.
Most people go into caregiving with good intentions but have no idea what they're getting into. Caregiving for a person with dementia is significantly more difficult than caring for an elder without dementia. Whatever her needs are now, they will continue to increase.
They will generally pick the person up in the morning. Provide breakfast, snack, lunch and activities sometimes outings and she will be brought back in the late afternoon.
If there is nothing like that you need to tell your husband that MIL needs to pay for a caregiver that will come 3, 4, 5 days a week to give you a break. You need to tell him that this is not a "It would be nice to have a caregiver" this is "MIL needs a caregiver so I can get a break" If he does not see the need for this I STRONGLY suggest that you take a week long visit with a friend. (If you can't do a week a weekend would do) You leave on a Friday afternoon and return late Sunday night.
Find out details of where you can get an assessment and then tell your hubby. That way theres no guessing and if mother needs help you will be told what she needs and what can be ignored/dismissed.
Of course there is a cost(here in my city it's $55/day)but worth every penny. They take such good care of the folks that attend. They also offer financial assistance if needed.
So I would go online and see where the closest one is to you, and call them first thing in the morning.
That would give you lots of time to get done what you need/want to and give you time to rest as well.