I used to have a great relationship with my mom but now its strained, and a challenge. I find myself snapping at her then feeling horrible about it later. She needs my help but really what she wants is me to cater to her and I resent her for it.
You say "wants me to cater to her". Does that mean you do havevsome boundaries? Me, I found I always made boundaries and did not realize it.
First, no phone calls at work unless an emergency.
Second, my parents always honored I had a job and they needed to find someone else to get them to appts.
Third, I took one day a week where Momband I would run errands and grocery shop. I took her to Church on Sunday. During the week though, she found rides with friends.
Fourth, pick a time of day for a "just checking in" call. Maybe after dinner before sitting down to watch TV during the night.
If Mom is living independently that means she can do for herself. Do not disable her. My DH just turned 77. I hope in 2 years he does not expect me to cater to him. If there are actual things Mom needs you to do, that you are not willing or can't do, then maybe time for an AL. She needs to realize your time is not hers. Do u haveva job, family? They come first. Mom is part of your life, not the center of it. I find the ones who handle their parents well are those who do it with humor. "Right Mom, remember Icam a Senior too". "Now Mom, I have explained this before I can't be there for you all the time. If you need help, hire it or we'll find a way to get u help".
I just came from visiting an Aunt (95) and Uncle (94) that live in a senior community in a house. He had a fall and broke his arm. Thank God he will use a walker because at 94 this one could be the first of many. They are doing OK but I see the decline and the need for an AL in the near future. Their community does offer xtras at a cost. But they have no family there. Closest nephew is 7 hrs away. I so hope when the time comes that they opt to transfer to the AL.
When u think ur going to snap, count to 10 or walk away counting to ten. If you don't want to do something, don't do it especially when Mom has options...she can do it herself or pay someone.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms and not the care recipient's.
Set some terms (boundaries) with your mother and stick to them.
AlvaDeer in the comments is right. When her care needs are being taken care of by paid help that is when you stop being the parent of an adult-sized child and go back to being the adult child of a senior mother.
Let me tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver and I'm saying it for your own good and your mother's.
NEVER cater to the fussy and demanding senior even when they need help.
NEVER "baby" an adult. The only time an adult should ever be "babied" is if they are so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby. In that case keeping them home is really no longer the appropriate level of care and they belong in a nursing home or memory care facility.
Preserving any level of independence is the most important thing. Anything a person can still do for themselves they must do for themselves.
I'm reminded of a care client I had some time ago. She lived with her daughter. This woman was perfectly able to get around with her walker. To the kitchen when she wanted a snack and always wanted to go out all the time.
Yet there had to be a portable commode next to the couch where she spent most of her days eventhough there was a handicapped-equipped bathroom nearby. I asked the daughter why the commode was there as her mother got up and used the actual bathroom while I was there.
The daughter claimed it was "convenient" and she catered to her. No way. Her mother had every caregiver in the agency because she expected to be catered to so badly that they all quit. I told both of them that the commode got put away during the day when I was there. That peeing and crapping in a bucket in the livingroom isn't convenient. It's disgusting and dangerous. An actual toilet doesn't tip over. It flushes so it doesn't stink up your whole house. There's a sink and running water to wash up in. There isn't in the livingroom.
The commode was put away during the day. It stayed put away for the two years I worked for the mother. It upset her at first but it was for her own good.
Bring in homecare to help your mother and instruct them that they are not to cater to her. You will see a big change in her attitude if you do.
If your mother is in independent living she should not need a lot of help from you . If she needs help then she belongs in assisted living .
Set boundaries for how much you can/willing to do . If she needs more help or wants more catering then she goes to assisted living .
The way you control the anger and resentment is to not let her dictate . Turn the table . “ Mom this is what I will do , this is what I won’t do , and the staff will help you in assisted living . “
Breaks, definitely. Having paid caregivers come in for some portions of every day means I can just be me and somewhere else while they are here with my dad. Going for walks as I can. Making sure I sleep in my own bed most nights. As his decline continues (he's under hospice care), his agitation and anger are increasingly directed at me no matter how much or how little I say. It has been hurting my feelings and breaking my heart at a time when I am also grieving the loss of him in advance. Since a heart-to-heart with him is very unlikely to happen now and I do need and want to be here as I can for him, I also find it helpful to journal about what I'm feeling and what I would say, if I could. That helps ensure I have a place to feel my feelings and process. I have a circle of amazing girlfriends who are here for me in any ways I need, including being wonderful listeners. I am part of one of the kindest faith communities I know, and they are also here for me. Hope this helps...these are all ways I am trying to take care of myself in one of the hardest seasons of my life while also keeping some boundaries for myself, as we near the end.
What if you can’t afford help? I haven’t had any respite in 5yrs!!!! I also have lupus & this is getting excruciating!!! I just want to sleep! I’m 63 & a caregiver for my ex ex since his stroke….. & thanx to a brief stint in Rehab for a fall, he’s now worse!! He’s in a wheelchair now and diapers…. He wasn’t when he went in!!!!! I seriously need a break! Please say a prayer for me if you’re a praying person 🙏🏻🥺
You have become a caregiver rather than a daughter. Only when your mom is being cared for by caregivers, in my opinion, can you return to being a daughter rather than a caregiver. That's sad but there are few ways around it.
Burn out is a hard thing no matter how much you love someone. A lot of factors contribute including the level of care needed, if you have help, who else you have to take care of, etc. I know with my husband it has been hard because our whole relationship changed. It used to be a more equal relationship where I worked and he helped take care of the house and bills (and helped with the dogs). After he became wheelchair bound, he couldn't do as much and he went through times of brain fog because of cancer so I kind of took on everything. When you have to help someone with even basic needs, it can be hard to see them as the person you love. For me, it was pain to see the man I love just hurting and becoming weaker. I haven't had to care for a parent, but I am sure it is hard to watch someone who is your parent become a child. Having roles reversed is really, really hard.
I found little breaks (ten minutes or so) helped. I would tell him I just need to take some time to relax and would go into the bedroom with the dogs and just play on the IPad, read, or watch TV. If you realize your own health is suffering, mentally or physically, it is time to seek outside help. This doesn't mean a nursing home (depending on her mobility and cognitive function) but maybe senior living, assisted living, etc.
Most of us care givers , are there or have been there. This support group has helped me tremendously, in a short amount of time. just knowing I'm not alone. We all have are "story" some worse off, some better, but we all get to that point.
For me I have recently started to treat my mom's caregiving, more like a job and take the personal aspects out. Compartmentalizing the emotional part. It really is starting to help. My mother can no longer do her laundry, which has always been an issue for me because it's in the basement, and I didn't want her going up and down. I gave up that fight, but now that she can't, she is angry. This morning she was complaining about her favorite towel being dirty, she was explaining why she can only use that one towel. I handled it very differently this time, I shrugged and said, well we can't all get what we want. In a very unemotional, detached way. But not really rude or snotty. Just matter of fact. It really seems to be helping me not to get my anxiety up, or get upset. I'm still practicing and learning what works. Good luck your not alone
Dear Anxietynacy, I really liked how you treat caregiving(or parts of it), as a job. I need that, I get tangled up in the emotional part, need to keep that separate. Thank you for the post! 🌻
Mom needs help......not YOUR help, necessarily, just help. By her hiring a caregiver or moving into Assisted Living, you're off the hook for feeling all this resentment and can hopefully get your old relationship back.
You have your answer in your profile. You state that you are looking for help. That’s the best solution for your situation!
I think you realize that you can’t do it all by yourself. It’s too difficult for one person to do.
Either hire help to supplement some of the caregiving or look into placement for your mother in a facility.
Don’t listen to others who may tell you to continue things as they are. Do what is best for you. You matter just as much as your mom.
Plus, if you’re burned out or get sick yourself, you won’t be as effective as a caregiver. Everyone has a breaking point. You haven’t failed your mom if you have reached yours.
Many people who are advocating for their parents accomplish more than those who are trying to do everything alone. We can only do so much by ourselves.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.
I think most of us love our moms. That doesn't mean that caring for them when they are elderly is easy
Here's the thing. Many folks ASSUME that because your mom took care of you as a child, you owe her for that.
I believe that's a false assumption; I believe that because MY MOTHER told me that my job wasn't to care for her, it was to pass that caring down to MY kids and my husband. That she and my dad were adults and responsible for their own old age.
Here's what I did. I decided how much I was willing to do and could do without damaging my relationship with my kids and husband and without putting my job in jeopardy. That turned out to be an hour or so of visiting once a week. Occasionally a doctor visit. Showing up at the hospital for true emergencies and being her advocate. Helping to find food facilities for her.
NOT daily entertainment, cuddling, cooking, toileting, dressing and the like.
Decide what you can do without resentment and anger. And stick to it.
First, no phone calls at work unless an emergency.
Second, my parents always honored I had a job and they needed to find someone else to get them to appts.
Third, I took one day a week where Momband I would run errands and grocery shop. I took her to Church on Sunday. During the week though, she found rides with friends.
Fourth, pick a time of day for a "just checking in" call. Maybe after dinner before sitting down to watch TV during the night.
If Mom is living independently that means she can do for herself. Do not disable her. My DH just turned 77. I hope in 2 years he does not expect me to cater to him.
If there are actual things Mom needs you to do, that you are not willing or can't do, then maybe time for an AL. She needs to realize your time is not hers. Do u haveva job, family? They come first. Mom is part of your life, not the center of it. I find the ones who handle their parents well are those who do it with humor. "Right Mom, remember Icam a Senior too". "Now Mom, I have explained this before I can't be there for you all the time. If you need help, hire it or we'll find a way to get u help".
I just came from visiting an Aunt (95) and Uncle (94) that live in a senior community in a house. He had a fall and broke his arm. Thank God he will use a walker because at 94 this one could be the first of many. They are doing OK but I see the decline and the need for an AL in the near future. Their community does offer xtras at a cost. But they have no family there. Closest nephew is 7 hrs away. I so hope when the time comes that they opt to transfer to the AL.
When u think ur going to snap, count to 10 or walk away counting to ten. If you don't want to do something, don't do it especially when Mom has options...she can do it herself or pay someone.
Set some terms (boundaries) with your mother and stick to them.
AlvaDeer in the comments is right. When her care needs are being taken care of by paid help that is when you stop being the parent of an adult-sized child and go back to being the adult child of a senior mother.
Let me tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver and I'm saying it for your own good and your mother's.
NEVER cater to the fussy and demanding senior even when they need help.
NEVER "baby" an adult. The only time an adult should ever be "babied" is if they are so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby. In that case keeping them home is really no longer the appropriate level of care and they belong in a nursing home or memory care facility.
Preserving any level of independence is the most important thing. Anything a person can still do for themselves they must do for themselves.
I'm reminded of a care client I had some time ago. She lived with her daughter. This woman was perfectly able to get around with her walker. To the kitchen when she wanted a snack and always wanted to go out all the time.
Yet there had to be a portable commode next to the couch where she spent most of her days eventhough there was a handicapped-equipped bathroom nearby. I asked the daughter why the commode was there as her mother got up and used the actual bathroom while I was there.
The daughter claimed it was "convenient" and she catered to her. No way. Her mother had every caregiver in the agency because she expected to be catered to so badly that they all quit. I told both of them that the commode got put away during the day when I was there. That peeing and crapping in a bucket in the livingroom isn't convenient. It's disgusting and dangerous. An actual toilet doesn't tip over. It flushes so it doesn't stink up your whole house. There's a sink and running water to wash up in. There isn't in the livingroom.
The commode was put away during the day. It stayed put away for the two years I worked for the mother. It upset her at first but it was for her own good.
Bring in homecare to help your mother and instruct them that they are not to cater to her. You will see a big change in her attitude if you do.
(Rustlingleaves)
If she needs help then she belongs in assisted living .
Set boundaries for how much you can/willing to do . If she needs more help or wants more catering then she goes to assisted living .
The way you control the anger and resentment is to not let her dictate . Turn the table . “ Mom this is what I will do , this is what I won’t do , and the staff will help you in assisted living . “
I found little breaks (ten minutes or so) helped. I would tell him I just need to take some time to relax and would go into the bedroom with the dogs and just play on the IPad, read, or watch TV. If you realize your own health is suffering, mentally or physically, it is time to seek outside help. This doesn't mean a nursing home (depending on her mobility and cognitive function) but maybe senior living, assisted living, etc.
For me I have recently started to treat my mom's caregiving, more like a job and take the personal aspects out. Compartmentalizing the emotional part. It really is starting to help.
My mother can no longer do her laundry, which has always been an issue for me because it's in the basement, and I didn't want her going up and down. I gave up that fight, but now that she can't, she is angry. This morning she was complaining about her favorite towel being dirty, she was explaining why she can only use that one towel. I handled it very differently this time, I shrugged and said, well we can't all get what we want. In a very unemotional, detached way. But not really rude or snotty. Just matter of fact.
It really seems to be helping me not to get my anxiety up, or get upset. I'm still practicing and learning what works.
Good luck your not alone
I really liked how you treat caregiving(or parts of it), as a job. I need that, I get tangled up in the emotional part, need to keep that separate.
Thank you for the post! 🌻
I think you realize that you can’t do it all by yourself. It’s too difficult for one person to do.
Either hire help to supplement some of the caregiving or look into placement for your mother in a facility.
Don’t listen to others who may tell you to continue things as they are. Do what is best for you. You matter just as much as your mom.
Plus, if you’re burned out or get sick yourself, you won’t be as effective as a caregiver. Everyone has a breaking point. You haven’t failed your mom if you have reached yours.
Many people who are advocating for their parents accomplish more than those who are trying to do everything alone. We can only do so much by ourselves.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.
I think most of us love our moms. That doesn't mean that caring for them when they are elderly is easy
Here's the thing. Many folks ASSUME that because your mom took care of you as a child, you owe her for that.
I believe that's a false assumption; I believe that because MY MOTHER told me that my job wasn't to care for her, it was to pass that caring down to MY kids and my husband. That she and my dad were adults and responsible for their own old age.
Here's what I did. I decided how much I was willing to do and could do without damaging my relationship with my kids and husband and without putting my job in jeopardy. That turned out to be an hour or so of visiting once a week. Occasionally a doctor visit. Showing up at the hospital for true emergencies and being her advocate. Helping to find food facilities for her.
NOT daily entertainment, cuddling, cooking, toileting, dressing and the like.
Decide what you can do without resentment and anger. And stick to it.