How do you control the anger and resentment you feel taking care of a loved one?

Shelsley, welcome!

I think most of us love our moms. That doesn't mean that caring for them when they are elderly is easy

Here's the thing. Many folks ASSUME that because your mom took care of you as a child, you owe her for that.

I believe that's a false assumption; I believe that because MY MOTHER told me that my job wasn't to care for her, it was to pass that caring down to MY kids and my husband. That she and my dad were adults and responsible for their own old age.

Here's what I did. I decided how much I was willing to do and could do without damaging my relationship with my kids and husband and without putting my job in jeopardy. That turned out to be an hour or so of visiting once a week. Occasionally a doctor visit. Showing up at the hospital for true emergencies and being her advocate. Helping to find food facilities for her.

NOT daily entertainment, cuddling, cooking, toileting, dressing and the like.

Decide what you can do without resentment and anger. And stick to it.

You have your answer in your profile. You state that you are looking for help. That’s the best solution for your situation!

I think you realize that you can’t do it all by yourself. It’s too difficult for one person to do.

Either hire help to supplement some of the caregiving or look into placement for your mother in a facility.

Don’t listen to others who may tell you to continue things as they are. Do what is best for you. You matter just as much as your mom.

Plus, if you’re burned out or get sick yourself, you won’t be as effective as a caregiver. Everyone has a breaking point. You haven’t failed your mom if you have reached yours.

Many people who are advocating for their parents accomplish more than those who are trying to do everything alone. We can only do so much by ourselves.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.

She shouldn’t be in independent living if she can’t live independently. Move her to a more appropriate facility.

Lots of alcohol.

Mom needs help......not YOUR help, necessarily, just help. By her hiring a caregiver or moving into Assisted Living, you're off the hook for feeling all this resentment and can hopefully get your old relationship back.

Most of us care givers , are there or have been there. This support group has helped me tremendously, in a short amount of time. just knowing I'm not alone. We all have are "story" some worse off, some better, but we all get to that point.

For me I have recently started to treat my mom's caregiving, more like a job and take the personal aspects out. Compartmentalizing the emotional part. It really is starting to help.
My mother can no longer do her laundry, which has always been an issue for me because it's in the basement, and I didn't want her going up and down. I gave up that fight, but now that she can't, she is angry. This morning she was complaining about her favorite towel being dirty, she was explaining why she can only use that one towel. I handled it very differently this time, I shrugged and said, well we can't all get what we want. In a very unemotional, detached way. But not really rude or snotty. Just matter of fact.
It really seems to be helping me not to get my anxiety up, or get upset. I'm still practicing and learning what works.
Good luck your not alone

Burn out is a hard thing no matter how much you love someone. A lot of factors contribute including the level of care needed, if you have help, who else you have to take care of, etc. I know with my husband it has been hard because our whole relationship changed. It used to be a more equal relationship where I worked and he helped take care of the house and bills (and helped with the dogs). After he became wheelchair bound, he couldn't do as much and he went through times of brain fog because of cancer so I kind of took on everything. When you have to help someone with even basic needs, it can be hard to see them as the person you love. For me, it was pain to see the man I love just hurting and becoming weaker. I haven't had to care for a parent, but I am sure it is hard to watch someone who is your parent become a child. Having roles reversed is really, really hard.

I found little breaks (ten minutes or so) helped. I would tell him I just need to take some time to relax and would go into the bedroom with the dogs and just play on the IPad, read, or watch TV. If you realize your own health is suffering, mentally or physically, it is time to seek outside help. This doesn't mean a nursing home (depending on her mobility and cognitive function) but maybe senior living, assisted living, etc.

You have become a caregiver rather than a daughter. Only when your mom is being cared for by caregivers, in my opinion, can you return to being a daughter rather than a caregiver. That's sad but there are few ways around it.

Breaks, definitely. Having paid caregivers come in for some portions of every day means I can just be me and somewhere else while they are here with my dad. Going for walks as I can. Making sure I sleep in my own bed most nights. As his decline continues (he's under hospice care), his agitation and anger are increasingly directed at me no matter how much or how little I say. It has been hurting my feelings and breaking my heart at a time when I am also grieving the loss of him in advance. Since a heart-to-heart with him is very unlikely to happen now and I do need and want to be here as I can for him, I also find it helpful to journal about what I'm feeling and what I would say, if I could. That helps ensure I have a place to feel my feelings and process. I have a circle of amazing girlfriends who are here for me in any ways I need, including being wonderful listeners. I am part of one of the kindest faith communities I know, and they are also here for me. Hope this helps...these are all ways I am trying to take care of myself in one of the hardest seasons of my life while also keeping some boundaries for myself, as we near the end.

If your mother is in independent living she should not need a lot of help from you .
If she needs help then she belongs in assisted living .

Set boundaries for how much you can/willing to do . If she needs more help or wants more catering then she goes to assisted living .

The way you control the anger and resentment is to not let her dictate . Turn the table . “ Mom this is what I will do , this is what I won’t do , and the staff will help you in assisted living . “

Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms and not the care recipient's.

Set some terms (boundaries) with your mother and stick to them.

AlvaDeer in the comments is right. When her care needs are being taken care of by paid help that is when you stop being the parent of an adult-sized child and go back to being the adult child of a senior mother.

Let me tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver and I'm saying it for your own good and your mother's.

NEVER cater to the fussy and demanding senior even when they need help.

NEVER "baby" an adult. The only time an adult should ever be "babied" is if they are so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby. In that case keeping them home is really no longer the appropriate level of care and they belong in a nursing home or memory care facility.

Preserving any level of independence is the most important thing. Anything a person can still do for themselves they must do for themselves.

I'm reminded of a care client I had some time ago. She lived with her daughter. This woman was perfectly able to get around with her walker. To the kitchen when she wanted a snack and always wanted to go out all the time.

Yet there had to be a portable commode next to the couch where she spent most of her days eventhough there was a handicapped-equipped bathroom nearby. I asked the daughter why the commode was there as her mother got up and used the actual bathroom while I was there.

The daughter claimed it was "convenient" and she catered to her. No way. Her mother had every caregiver in the agency because she expected to be catered to so badly that they all quit. I told both of them that the commode got put away during the day when I was there. That peeing and crapping in a bucket in the livingroom isn't convenient. It's disgusting and dangerous. An actual toilet doesn't tip over. It flushes so it doesn't stink up your whole house. There's a sink and running water to wash up in. There isn't in the livingroom.

The commode was put away during the day. It stayed put away for the two years I worked for the mother. It upset her at first but it was for her own good.

Bring in homecare to help your mother and instruct them that they are not to cater to her. You will see a big change in her attitude if you do.

You say "wants me to cater to her". Does that mean you do havevsome boundaries? Me, I found I always made boundaries and did not realize it.

First, no phone calls at work unless an emergency.

Second, my parents always honored I had a job and they needed to find someone else to get them to appts.

Third, I took one day a week where Momband I would run errands and grocery shop. I took her to Church on Sunday. During the week though, she found rides with friends.

Fourth, pick a time of day for a "just checking in" call. Maybe after dinner before sitting down to watch TV during the night.

If Mom is living independently that means she can do for herself. Do not disable her. My DH just turned 77. I hope in 2 years he does not expect me to cater to him.
If there are actual things Mom needs you to do, that you are not willing or can't do, then maybe time for an AL. She needs to realize your time is not hers. Do u haveva job, family? They come first. Mom is part of your life, not the center of it. I find the ones who handle their parents well are those who do it with humor. "Right Mom, remember Icam a Senior too". "Now Mom, I have explained this before I can't be there for you all the time. If you need help, hire it or we'll find a way to get u help".

I just came from visiting an Aunt (95) and Uncle (94) that live in a senior community in a house. He had a fall and broke his arm. Thank God he will use a walker because at 94 this one could be the first of many. They are doing OK but I see the decline and the need for an AL in the near future. Their community does offer xtras at a cost. But they have no family there. Closest nephew is 7 hrs away. I so hope when the time comes that they opt to transfer to the AL.

When u think ur going to snap, count to 10 or walk away counting to ten. If you don't want to do something, don't do it especially when Mom has options...she can do it herself or pay someone.

Agree with all the comments here about boundaries. Sometimes it’s hard to get clear on boundaries when you are immersed in caretaking. Getting away to get some perspective can help free up the mind so you can think about the options and negotiables.

It also helps to think about goals. The big end goal is end of life and how do you want that to feel, but there are also small goals or the next goals. Like getting good in home support. Or getting certain documents in order. These things can help you feel empowered and in control vs constantly in service which can lead to resentment.

Oh, I can so relate to this, since I projected so much of my discontentment and resentment onto my mom. I took on very negative feelings, because I was not controlling my thoughts from the get-go, nor was l speaking up and communicating my needs as her caregiver when an issue called for this. An example of this is when I felt that my mom could do something that she was asking me to do, I would begin to “stew” and get frustrated (REACT) instead of coming up with a solution for moving forward (reacting vs responding in is a perfect recipe for things spinning out of control and snowballing). As I began to learn how to control my thoughts, put up boundaries, and address situations proactively, I was able to then care for my mom in a much more loving and easy manner. I was doing things backwards as I spent so much energy trying to change her, when the main issue was changing me!

Wow, do I understand. I’ve been caring for m parents for 8 mos now in my home. They are 94 and 97. Mom has dementia and had a stroke 8 yrs ago. She is disabled. Dad can still do his ADL’s. I’m burned out. I’m looking at senior living facilities in our area. Also, considering in home care so I Don have to separate them or risk Mom getting out of bed on her own and falling. Rails on bed are not allowed in facilities. It has been very difficult meeting their wants and needs. I have two chronic illnesses which makes it more difficult for me. Yes, I feel some level of obligation to them because they support me as I’m on disability. I never should have tried this, but didn’t see any option. Now to address anger and resentment. I was abused as a child. No details here. My anger about that comes out sideways toward my dad. Also, he is quite content having me figure out everything. As he says if it wasn’t for me he would just ignore Mom’s and his needs. He wouldn’t deal with the problems I’ve run into with the medical system for example. Yes, I understand being resentful. I can’t beat myself up. I also have to recognize it is not helping me, only hurting me. Take a deep breath and I keep praying even when it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m lost most of the time. I keep trying to find help: home health care, palliative care, and paying for home care. No family to help. Dad burned those bridges. I’ve gone on. You are not alone. Here if you want to talk.

Good Morning,

A girls gotta get out...you have to have a "happy place". A place where you know once or twice a week you go to something strictly for the sheer enjoyment.

For example, I just returned from a heated indoor therapy pool. It's these spurts of recreation that are good for your joints, appetite and sleep not to mention the others in the group. You can work on your health and weight.

It's hard because these caregiver roles and I hate even using this word but start out manageable but then as time goes on you need more services.

The good news is that you are not alone. Your mother's health insurance probably has a lot of services that will assist you. Your mother's primary care doc can do an assessment and write a referral.

You have to be the one in charge for decision making. While I'll let my mother choose her outfit for the day and what kind of salad dressing on her salad a lot of the everyday care routine and schedule needs to be coordinated by you.

You need to block out time for the following for yourself: haircut, exercise, fresh air, bill pay--read about finances, balance your checkbook. Keep note of your friends' birthdays. Keep up-to-date on what's going on in the world.

You have to take a step back and perhaps a nap time for the loved one so you can make the important phone calls--doctor's, health insurance companies, prescription call ins.

A tier facility--independent living, assisted livings, short-term rehab, physical therapy are popular in the Southern States where a lot of seniors retire. Your money will go farther. Not sure which region of the country you live in but there is always an answer.

As time goes on you have to "re-work" the plan. A Social Worker and Elder Attorney can assist you as well. You need options.

I will pray for you. I have I gave you some encouragement.

@waytomisery,
I have done that on some occasions and will have to do it all the time! It is a shame I have to lie or keep secrets to have peace. I have a week off coming up soon and I dread it but I have already decided how I'm going to handle that. The only reason he knows my days off is that I'm the one who takes him to doctor's appointments because there is no one else to take him so when he has to go, they are scheduled on my days off.

Boy do I know how you feel. I am in exactly the same situation. And believe me if there was a simple solution I would be shouting from the rooftops. Truth be told the only one you have any actual control over is yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break, even if it’s five minute coffee breaks. If your mom needs in home care or an assisted livening there is information on this site that can direct you. You need to care for yourself before you can care for others. It is nice to have one someone who is your soft place to fall to help you recharge at the end of a hard day. Just know a lot of great information here and most importantly, you are not alone.

I would first say, get some help so you don’t have to do it all. There are agencies that can help seniors with things. Look into that. Next, think about how your mom cared for you when you were young. Was she patient with you? Also think about how you want your own kids to treat you when you need help someday. All of that will help you find some balance.

I’m experiencing the same. I am learning how to set boundaries thus preventing burnout. I try not to take things personally. I prepare myself before visits. I debrief my experiences with friends as soon as possible so not to carry stress. I implement more self-care. I am trying to do all these things, which is difficult and hope to get better. Would love to hear more ideas from other on this.

You just have to remind mom that you’re doing something right now…& she’ll have to wait a little while. If she starts yelling, just walk out of room for a couple minutes…come back & she probably will forget what she wanted immediately from you. When you don’t get breaks all week you can get frustrated 😩 & feel overwhelmed. Keep trying to get at least a private pay aide that knows she will work steady on those days & hours. Good luck & hugs 🤗

I Got a therapist and went to community acupuncture once or twice a week where I could Meditate and get support . Went to the beach to swim and be able to think . I had a senior service where there was a caregiver support group , got some Life coaching , another woman helped when I needed someone to talk to because there were times I felt I was having a nervous breakdown . Often times I would sit and get a coffee at a cafe or go to Lunch and write . Its really about self care . Getting a haircut or mani / Pedi or a massage for the stress . I would Buy Orchids and photograph them or work on My Garden . I would cook healthy food for us . he eventually was on a schedule and cooperated - he Loved to read . We kept things simple and I bought some of his favorite foods . And he would thank Me . Your mom May Turn the corner . I had a awesome doctor who would talk with my dad for a Hour - we would go on Long walks together and sit and people watch or go get Lunch . Or we would sit Outside and Pet the neighbors dogs . I Took Him Out dancing at His Favorite Place in Maine on the beach and People were crying - we were the Only Ones on the dance Floor . I Knew this maybe the Last time he danced . Try and do fun things you Both enjoy . I grew him tomatoes in the garden . Often times we would try and beat each other to the Mail Box and then Laugh . Find activities you both enjoy together .

Helping with legitimate needs more often feels loving and satisfying. Resentment is about things you have let yourself be manipulated into.

Very well worded question.
I'm trying, but so far not fully successful in "controlling" anger plus resentment. Its not easy.

When I started feeling resentment for my retirement being taken away I went for counseling …..2.5 years later I am still in counseling. I feel better and mom’s happier. It is not my mom’s fault she is advanced aged {90} , needy or has Lewy dementia. Bad things happen to good people..My job is to get her to the finish line.. get help!

I vent on this forum. I get it all out. And I usually receive some kind words back. It helps a lot.

The only other thing to help will be when my parents finally pass away and we sell their home so that Medicaid can take the proceeds from their house sale. Only then will it be over and I can feel better. It’s sad to write that but it is true.

I answered earlier but I would like to add one thing.

Anger is a normal human emotion. It’s a reaction to something that is disturbing to us.

Anger isn’t a bad thing. It can have a positive impact on our situation, if it motivates us to make necessary changes in our lives.

How many times do we see people who don’t change things until they become sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Anger is only destructive for us if we become stuck and do nothing about our situation.

Find caregiver support groups
(online or in person), get counseling and ask your Dr for some anti depressants or anti anxiety meds for yourself.

A combo of all that will help (not totally eliminate) your feelings.

You are feeling very normal under the circumstances. Support groups & counseling will show you that.

Caretaking is one of the hardest things to do & if your LO is demanding, unreasonable or likes to blame & find fault that makes things 10 times worse.

Seek support, it will help.

Dear Shelsley,
I can totally understand this!!! My mother and I were strained for years!! Things were much better after my Dad passed and my husband and I helped her through it. Years passed and she navigated life pretty well but then the random dementia symptoms increased dramatically. She has increasing become horribly LAZY. Two years ago we had to sell her house and move her onto our property. It’s HARD! I loose my patience and snap. I have to apologize then. She is incredibly lazy and not thankful. She kisses up to my husband but is demanding with me! I FEEL your pain! Prayer and tears is the only advice I have. I am a member of “Working Daughter” on FB, The people there are in the trenches with me and so supportive!
Big Hugs!! Dena

OMG this is the hardest job you will EVER have in your life. PERIOD! I had no idea what I was in for as I thought she wouldn't live very long when I agreed to take her in. However, thanks to me (LOL) here we are SEVEN years later, and half the time I want to commit suicide and the other half hug her! I told her that I was beginning to resent her, that I was not her nurse, I was not her personal assistant and would not cater to her every whim - in addition to making me feel better, that statement opened her eyes to her selfishness. If it wasn't for my therapist, I probably would have gone completely mad. This year I hired several people to come in 6-7 days a week for 3-4 hours. I now have MY life back. I just bought a travel trailer and plan on doing some 3-day getaways in the future... even if it's only camping in my driveway!

BOTTOM LINE: don't let her take over your life (like I did). It is an ugly, ugly road paved with guilt, fear, obligations and burdens (that are not yours to carry).

My heart hurts for you. Sending love and best wishes.