I'm 44 and my partner of 7 years is 71 years old. He is now starting into 3rd stage COPD and refuses to do anything. He will not even get up to go to the bathroom. He uses on urinal. I get all his drinks. I get all his food. I empty out his urinal. I do everything for him he won't even go and take a shower. He takes baths in a bucket where he sits on the couch. He lies to me and says that he is moving around and doing exercises but he's not. Every time I make a doctor's appointment for him he has me canceled it out. He has so much anxiety from sitting in a 3X3 section of our home that he gets an anxiety attack if I move around him too much or try to clean up around him. He can't have people over from 20 minutes at a time without having an anxiety attack because he is forced himself in a tiny little space that is taking over his mind. He's not taking his medications as he should. He's either taking too much or too little. Last year we just lost her home due to back taxes and we live in a camper and now that there's no money or any he can't do very much his friends are no longer around and his family wants nothing to do with him because of his past and I am so burnt out. When I try to talk to him about it he just me up what cuts me off or belittles me or makes fun of me. He'll shut me up when I try to confront him over him lying about moving around when he hasn't moved a muscle. He is even gone so far as to take the remote control to the television and point it at me and push the buttons acting like he's going to turn me off like he turns the television off. Every single thing I do is never good enough for him he's always demanding more I'll sit back down after giving him his meal and getting them to drink and within one minute he's having me get back up for something else. I don't get a single day off. I don't get a single moment off. I do everything for him when he is in third stage not 5th stage. He should be doing it himself. He refuses to do pulmonary rehab. He refuses to do anything. I am at my wit's end he is downright abusive verbally to me and acts like a child anytime I bring anything up. He has actually sat there and says to me blah blah blah blah blah and covered his ears. He is 71 years old not seven and I just don't know what to do anymore I am so frustrated and hurt and scared that if I leave him then I'm going to be committing some crime because he's incapable of taking care of himself now. Is refusing to move around has made him weak as a child and his refusal to move from a 3x3 ft area of the home has made his mind gone to reality and anxiety rules his life all he knows is that couch and it's beyond my control now and I just don't know what to do anymore please anyone who has any suggestions it would help
If he is not getting enough oxygen to his brain, he may not be in his right mind.
I had an uncle in a similar situation who just died the other day.
Help yourself by getting out of there. Help him by calling APS.
depression (anxiety, frustration) - and more.
See about medication management.
Limit your interaction; do not argue.
It sounds like he is 'running the show' - perhaps it is time that he be placed in assisted care or get a caregiver in there - to do what you are 'trying' to do.
He can refuse help / he will.
Although YOU NEED to take care of yourself.
Ultimately, he will do what he wants, depending on his mental capacity and your legal rights to manage his care / medical care needs.
You need to keep yourself as calm and emotionally detached as possible (not to infer that you do not care - you do, of course), however you need to have some 'emotional / intellectual distance to make necessary decisions on how to proceed. You do not want to make IMPULSE decisions. For instance, if he gets angry at you, you do not want tu AUTOMATICALLY RESPOND. You want to be able to understand what is happening - from his point of view - and keep him (and yourself) emotionally even.
You do not want to add fuel to fire.
So. You stop. Assess. Perhaps calmly say something "okay, I am going to make myself a cup of tea, would you like one too?"
Meditate - even 5 minutes a day will help you.
Read Teepa Snow's website or call them. She is the leading expert in the country on dementia.
Gena / Touch Matters
In addition a Social Worker will help with a myriad of potential needs and. Chaplain is available. Now, if he is still deemed cognitively appropriate to make his own decisions, then hospice will talk with him and you and go from there. You can also speak with his PCP if you have been given authority to do so ( POA) ....or he has at minimum listed you on his medical records to get information. Bottom line: GET HELP IN THE HOME . Expect him to resist but it's got to happen for his safety and improved quality of life not to mention yours !!!!
Practice self care ! Do not allow verbal abuse. Get help now before his condition becomes worse as you know it will. And, COPD pts can be especially difficult to deal with as their breathing is so compromised and this increases fear and anxiety.
GET HELP ! NOW !
Or call APS , Adult Protective Services ,and report his status. They will come to home and assess him for care options.
Or, call 911, anytime he becomes beligerant, tyrannical or any other reason you deem needs immediate help. Do not ask him, just call 911 and have them transport him to ER; once there assessment and options can happen.
Be sure that you are safe and also legally protected. You may want to confer with an attorney about your status with the patient and get direction for your own protection.
Please order an old paperback called, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty."
If you don't want to be miserable all the time, plan your exit with a visit to the Elder Law Attorney and a real estate agent in the part of the country you most enjoy.
You can visit him in his next housing arrangement without being his servant and caretaker. If he was in the military, there would be assistance available, based on his exit status.
He’s not going to change and abusing you is no way to live. Be strong.
Make something up and tell your partner you have to go out of town for four or five days, and you are leaving in two weeks. Then, give him a paper pad and tell him he needs to start writing down the things he will need before you leave and while you are gone.
This should be a short, matter-of-fact conversation (maybe as you leave the house and he'll be alone for a while). Don't argue, don't fight, just be resolute that you are leaving in two weeks, back in five days.
This will force him to begin to deal with his own care. Don't pick a fight; don't let him draw you into an emotional exchange. If he isn't working on his "project," give him the pad again and let him know you are there to help him figure this out.
He will probably do nothing for the first few days, and as the departure date grows closer, maybe pull out a suitcase and leave it where he can see it. Ask him which outfit he thinks will be better to take with you, share your excitement with him, etc. It may take some acting on your part, but it will be worth it.
Eventually, he will come to the realization that he will be in danger, and he will start to get responsible. If he writes one or two things down, encourage him to keep up the excellent work. Coach him, love him, and make suggestions where necessary, but always let him figure it out independently. You can start with small, easy questions (Do you remember how to use the coffee pot? Would you like to see the doctor before I leave?, etc.) and let him know you will do the basics before you go (clean underwear, food in the fridge, etc.). Stay calm and even-keeled, and if he says he doesn't want you to go, say, "I know, I have to".
If this game goes well, he will have a genuine transformation around being responsible for himself. Regardless of how it goes, you must leave at the appointed time. Get out of the house for a few hours or a few days, and when you come back, the conversation can be, "I am so proud of you; I couldn't bear to be away," or "I was so worried about you, I couldn't bear to be away."
If the game doesn't go well, take the time to examine your own life, what's important to you, and if you deserve peace of mind and happiness for yourself. Then make your own plan to achieve it...
I get the love you have for your man, you need to have the same love for yourself too.
Best wishes,
BRAD
This approach sounds very good and probably works sometimes, but not with a stubborn abuser like the OP has on her hands. From what she says here, she's living as a care slave and "massa" keeps her obedient and enabling him through verbal abuse and belittling.
He isn't going to start making a list of he'll need if she tells him she's leaving town for a few days. That's not gonna happen.
What he's likely going to do is double-down on the verbal abuse and belittling several days before she's set to go 'out of town'. Then hope that he's broken her well enough that she cancels the four or five days away.
Or he'll fabricate a "crisis" like a staged fall or chest pains and have to be taken to the ER an hour or so before the OP is set to leave so she ends up not leaving.
I was a caregiver for 25 years and own my own care business now. I've also lived as a care slave to my mother who sounds very much like the OP's man.
The best bet is to introduce him to the homecare aide that's getting hired. Then bring her over.
If he gets stubborn or nasty about it the other choice is a nursing home.
Then she starts going out during the aide's shift. Every time she comes, the OP goes out. No ifs, ands, or buts.
She needs to start standing up for herself. Or walk away.
You are enabling his behavior.
You are also codependent.
First you must realize that you will never change him.
My suggestion is to contact his family and let them know that you're leaving. Then I'd suggest calling Adult Protective Services and let them know that you have contacted his family.
Then walk away and don't look back.
Peace.
You are an enabler.
He does not HAVE to get up, he does not HAVE to do anything.....
You are doing everything for him.
Before I began reading your post my initial though and comment would have been this:
With COPD getting up and moving can be a challenge and some physical activity can be almost impossible.
Then I read his age, and your age and my comment would have been this:
There is a big difference in your ages and a 71 year old is not as active as a 44 year old.
Well I tossed all that out the window when I read that you are enabling him so there is no need for him to do anything
So give him some. Stop enabling his bad behavior and start forcing him to use whatever level of independence he has.
Stop waiting on him hand and foot and do what lealonnie1 in the comments suggests.
Get a job and leave him to his own devices.
Never let anyone belittle you. That's BS right there. The next time he belittles or 'shushes' you tell him to F-off then walk away.
He'll stop that quick enough when he sees that it gets him nowhere and nothing.
We all have issues as we age that make life harder to manage. That does not mean we get to abuse our spouses like dogs, or enable them to live in their own filth and laziness. Stage 3 COPD does not warrant this type of behavior at all, sorry. Force him to act like a civilized human being by leaving the camper from 8am to 6pm daily.
If that doesn't work, take everyone else's advice and leave him. Call APS and report a vulnerable elder on your way out.
Love doesn't act like he's acting towards you. This is a good example of when "love is not enough" to sustain an abusive relationship. You matter too, I hope you realize that.
You don’t sound happy now. Would you start the relationship the way things are now? No-one forced you into it, and no-one forces you to stay. If you leave and ask APS to check when you go, either William will start looking after himself, or he will be cared for through APS.
You have had, and have given William, several happy years. Don’t ruin your memories.
Like others, I recommend you leave, if possible.
If you can't, just stop engaging with him. Only perform services that enhance your well-being, and call APS.
I can't see any future in this situation. It sounds like dementia is also kicking in. That's the childish behavior. Call APS and report him as a very sick senior who cannot live alone safely, won't take his meds correcly and is abusive. Don't make excuses about neglect laws. Don't be afraid to just LEAVE. Get away and clear your mind.
Don't let this guy waste more of your life. You are 44, in the prime of your life. This guy sounds like he hates himself and the world. He has too many health issues that will never improve. Don't keep torturing yourself another day!
Do you have family or somewhere to get away? A shelter?
I'm sorry you are dealing with such a nightmare. Only you can change that.
Do you get out of the camper? If not, you need to start doing so. Get out and leave him alone to fend for himself. I bet his is capable of taking care of much more than he does and you need to make him do it.
I would insist on some meds for his anxiety.
Best of luck.
Leave, and call adult protective services on the way out--they will have to provide support for him.
What are you getting out of this? Who owns the home? Who pays for food and utilities?
If it is you, why?
Now as for you, quit nagging because he stated his position. He is a verbal abuser and he seems to have control on you being with him 24/7. You really need to leave. If you walk out the door, call APS that he is a risk to himself.
They will not help you but they may offer to help him. Again it is his choice from there.
I am curious that he might be obese. How much does he weigh? That affects his inability to move.
Your leaving won't kill him, but it may force him to accept a caregiving placement.
I would not be a slave to someone in order to keep them alive. Were I a slave I guess my intent would be other than to keep the person alive, in fact. So when he is demanding just start practicing the word "no". Someone's poor health is no excuse for abusive behavior. You two seem to be just annoying one another no end and I can't see how that helps either of you.
There is not one good reason for you to stay, his family is done with his nonsense, follow their lead.
Sending support your way.