Has your father asked for your help? Your profile says that you are caring for your father. What exactly is your relationship with him if you are estranged?
All you can do, is inform him of other resources that can help him. Or if you don’t want to talk to him yourself, then stay out of it and allow others to step in and make the necessary arrangements.
People are estranged for a reason. Review your reasons for the estrangement and continue accordingly.
If one is truly "estranged" from an abusive parent, one would not be knowing about falls, not seeing a doctor, or being afraid of strangers. (for your own health).
Caregiving for somebody you had a wonderful past relationship with is challenging and rewarding. Caring for somebody with a bent towards abusive behavior will definitely be challenging and might not be rewarding.
Start by deciding whether or not you are up to the challenge. The history of mental illness and abuse will bring up painful memories as you care for this individual. If you have done a thorough work of dealing with your past with this person AND can put good boundaries in place to deal with future abusive behavior, you could make it work.
Get this person in for a thorough medical evaluation and a thorough mental health evaluation. Talk with the doctors about treatment options. If the person is mentally competent, he/she gets to decide on the amount and type of treatment. If he/she is not mentally competent, then the next of kin or POA holder gets to decide on the care plan. The doctors can let you know who gets to make those decisions - each state/province has their own "chain of concern" that outlines who has priority.
If this person is not able to live alone - can not keep self safe or healthy - then he or she will need somebody living with him or her full time. It could be done with family/friends taking turns. More likely, this person will need paid caregivers if no one is able to volunteer. Depending on his/her insurance, he or she can get home health care aides, assisted living placement, or skilled nursing placement. The doctors and staff in the doctors' offices can guide you next steps if paid care is needed.
What kind of mental illness and abuse issues? If the people are estranged, that would be another deciding factor though because there hasn't been a relationship for a number of months or years and how would a caregiver relationship be established now with the other issues present? It wouldn't seem like a doable situation at all.
Wow! Thanks so much for the feedback. I reached out to a local geriatric care manager who gave the same advice. I passed her contact info on to my family members that are in contact with this elder and have the APS # on a sticky note on my fridge 🖤
The 4 very wise people that posted comments below this are correct. Please read the comments then reread them and take them to heart. I am a FIRM believer that anyone that has been abused should NOT be a caregiver for the person that inflicted the abuse on them. (Nor for anyone that knew of the abuse but did nothing to stop it. )
You call APS and report a vulnerable senior that has no person in his life because he is an abusive mentally ill man and then walk away.
If they call you, you tell them you ARE NOT his caregiver, NEVER WILL be his caregiver and for them to do WHATEVER they need to, you ARE NOT involved. Thank you very much, goodbye.
I am going to say the same thing that Scampi and sp196902 said below....You don't. No child that was abused in any way from a parent should have to deal with their care as they get older. Don't forget, you are estranged for a reason. Instead call Adult Protective Services in your fathers area and report a vulnerable adult who shouldn't be living alone, and let them take over. He will become a ward of the state and they will make sure he's receiving proper care and get him placed in the appropriate facility if needed. So now make sure that you're getting on with your healing so that you're not passing on the dysfunction that you grew up in.
All you can do, is inform him of other resources that can help him. Or if you don’t want to talk to him yourself, then stay out of it and allow others to step in and make the necessary arrangements.
Review your reasons for the estrangement and continue accordingly.
If one is truly "estranged" from an abusive parent, one would not be knowing about falls, not seeing a doctor, or being afraid of strangers. (for your own health).
imo.
Each situation is different.
Start by deciding whether or not you are up to the challenge. The history of mental illness and abuse will bring up painful memories as you care for this individual. If you have done a thorough work of dealing with your past with this person AND can put good boundaries in place to deal with future abusive behavior, you could make it work.
Get this person in for a thorough medical evaluation and a thorough mental health evaluation. Talk with the doctors about treatment options. If the person is mentally competent, he/she gets to decide on the amount and type of treatment. If he/she is not mentally competent, then the next of kin or POA holder gets to decide on the care plan. The doctors can let you know who gets to make those decisions - each state/province has their own "chain of concern" that outlines who has priority.
If this person is not able to live alone - can not keep self safe or healthy - then he or she will need somebody living with him or her full time. It could be done with family/friends taking turns. More likely, this person will need paid caregivers if no one is able to volunteer. Depending on his/her insurance, he or she can get home health care aides, assisted living placement, or skilled nursing placement. The doctors and staff in the doctors' offices can guide you next steps if paid care is needed.
Call APS , let them handle it.
Well done you! 🙌
This can only end badly if you get involved.
You report to APS as a Senior at Risk, and tell them that you do not wish to be involved and are estranged.
That simple.
Please read the comments then reread them and take them to heart.
I am a FIRM believer that anyone that has been abused should NOT be a caregiver for the person that inflicted the abuse on them. (Nor for anyone that knew of the abuse but did nothing to stop it. )
If they call you, you tell them you ARE NOT his caregiver, NEVER WILL be his caregiver and for them to do WHATEVER they need to, you ARE NOT involved. Thank you very much, goodbye.
This is how you help him get the care he needs.
Don't forget, you are estranged for a reason.
Instead call Adult Protective Services in your fathers area and report a vulnerable adult who shouldn't be living alone, and let them take over. He will become a ward of the state and they will make sure he's receiving proper care and get him placed in the appropriate facility if needed.
So now make sure that you're getting on with your healing so that you're not passing on the dysfunction that you grew up in.