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My fiance's brother has short-term memory loss and is completely incapable of doing certain things on his own or even with help. I know his brain works very differently than it would if he hadn't had a stroke/coma when he was younger, but most days I find it extremely difficult to deal with. It seems to be getting worse as well because he normally can remember where his bedroom is, where the bathroom is, etc., but last night he came into our bedroom and turned on the light. Then, this morning, he forgot where the bathroom was when he was standing right beside it. We had been trying to focus more on treating him as an adult and teaching him things like cooking and paying for some of his own personal items, but I'm starting to think we should just treat him as a child, since that's where his mind is the majority of the time. He's fully capable of working, having a relationship, etc. but seems to be incapable of basic skills. If/when he lives with us full-time, I'll be looking into some programs that will help him on a daily basis, but I'm starting to lose hope that he'll have any normalcy at all. Of course, I know we won't since we'll be taking care of him, but that's another saga for another day. So, are there any tips for balancing having a grown adult who acts like a child?

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Dear OP, you say ‘My choices are: stay with my fiance and deal with his brother or leave my fiance. We've discussed options several times and he will not budge’. This is no way to start a marriage. This is not just about your brother-in-law.

Look again at what you’ve written. ‘He basically used to leave him with me and I did everything’. 'Now he ‘gives me a breather once in a while’. ‘He believes that his brother is the best beneficiary for his life insurance’. Finally ‘I honestly don't think it should be my responsibility to make any of those decisions and that's why I've left most things to him’.

None of this is your responsibility. If you go into it and your fiance doesn’t change, you are signing on for a life time of caring for this 36 year old brother in law. You will end up doing most of the work – your fiance may well ‘leave most things to YOU’. If you have a child, there will be safety issues. Your finances (particularly if you are widowed) will not be OK. Unless you both change a lot in future, you will NEVER be able to ‘make any of those decisions’.

Perhaps the best option is for each of you to go to a therapist or marriage guidance counselor. You need to work out what YOU want. Your fiance needs to work out what he will ‘allow’. If you can’t agree, make it an ultimatum. If that doesn’t help, LEAVE. The future does not look bright!
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Lizbitty Aug 2021
Agree. This is not a balanced relationship. Your fiancé has simply found you - a PSW that he doesn’t have to pay.

You can do better.
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Emotionalwreck, he's only 36. Is his girlfriend capable of becoming pregnant? I.e. is she on implanted birth control? I have a friend whose adopted daughter has social developmental issues and she has her on implanted birth control. Not that you can control it, but him having a "girlfriend" may turn out to be problematic. He's still has a man's body, even if his brain doesn't reflect that. Just a thought.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
His girlfriend is actually much older than he is (either menopausal or post-menopausal). He does act as an adult in that aspect but I think he sometimes picks and chooses when he wants to be an adult (i.e. he's a child when the bill comes to the table). I try not to think things like that but it's difficult when you have someone who's 36 years old but acts 8. He wants to be treated as an adult until he has to pay for anything or do things adults normally do (like pay bills, pay for your own food, household chores, etc.). I sometimes feel like I'm too harsh with him but other times he seems completely normal and fully functioning. I always just say it's so hard to balance everything with him, so maybe his social worker would be the best place to start if he lives with us at any point.
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OMG, this sounds similar to my life.

Is where he works ARC (Association of Disabilities Center). My nephew too is picked up and dropped off. They are called workshops and the employees, consumers. The jobs they are given are picked by the persons abilities. They are usually repetitious so it is like conditioning the person. They are overseen. If where he works is like I described, then this man would not be able to handle a job anywhere else.

I would suggest that you and your BF go and see where he works. There should be a SW affilated with the facility. She/he can help you maneuver what is out there for him. Your County should have a Disabilities Dept. If he can understand what having a POA means, then get it done and make it immediate at least for the financial. Otherwise its gaurdianship. And you will need one of these to help him as his representative. POA government facilities like Social Security do not recognize but I think guardianship they may.

Like your BIL to be, my Nephew was in a relationship with an older woman. I allowed him to keep the small paycheck he received from the Arc as spending money. She was able to get money out of him when I said no. When she found out the bulk of his money was in irrevokable trust, that he could not get to, she started backing away. But she still kept her claws in but thats a whole other story. TG she moved half way across country.

I will assume your BIL to be is on Social Security Disability with Medicare and Medicaid. My nephew is able to live alone and is just up the street from me. His disabilities are more physical but he does also have a neurological problem that may cause Dementia down the line. He is 31 with the maturity of a 20 yr old.

You may want to take your BIL to be to a Neurologist if you haven't. Because of the stroke and his other health problem, he may be in the beginning stages of Dementia. Maybe having small strokes or silent seizures. A Neurologist can run a series of tests to determine what is going on. Then you will know how to handle things. The doctor can also determine his maturity. He may be 36 with a mind of a 12 year old.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
It may sound weird, but I'm SO glad to find someone with a similar situation. I'm not sure what program he works through, but he basically does repetitious work at a Salvation Army. Unfortunately, he can't be trusted to provide accurate information, but he says that they haven't been working due to COVID. His girlfriend works at the same place/program and she's in her mid-50's. He's always dated older women but will talk about wanting kids (I don't think he actually wants them). He's been with her probably 5 years and when we ask if he wants to marry her, he basically just shrugs and says "sure, someday". I think he just likes the attention she gives him and that she's always available as he loves talking to people.

If he does ever live with us full-time, I'll be having my fiance get a POA for him. I'm also thinking about getting one for him in case anything happens to my fiance. Unfortunately, he believes that his brother is the best beneficiary for his life insurance even though he won't be able to actually go through the process of getting it. If I have a POA for his brother, from what I understand, I'd be able to do that on his behalf (paperwork and things necessary to get the life insurance).

He does get SS benefits and does have both Medicare and Medicaid. That's a blessing for sure since he has brain surgery fairly often. He had to have surgery last year and I believe they said it was under $100 total for out of pocket.

I think with my future BIL, it's some physical but mainly mental. He's stuck at about 8-10 years old with most things and can't process more than 1 task at a time. But he also has stability issues when walking and one of his eyes is off to the side sometimes, so his depth perception is off as well.

I believe his doctor is a Neurologist. Sometimes it seems his memory is fine and sometimes it's way off. He also has an issue with making up stories/memories which I've learned is actually part of his brain injury/memory loss. He sees his doctor in January, so maybe they should do an EEG. My fiance just started kind of taking over the medical care for him, so at least he can tell the doctor what's been going on.

I've just come to accept recently that he can't live by himself. There have been too many instances of him doing harmful things (like putting clothing in the oven to dry them) and he gets confused very easily.
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Children don't forget where the bathroom is once they've first sussed it out. Your fiance's brother is not a child, he is a grown adult with a brain injury. He acts like a person with a brain injury. That's how you need to treat him.

Of course I understand that this doesn't make the frustration - nor the tedium of it - any less. It's likely that at least three times a day I will be smiling on the outside (under my mask) and internally howling "forcryingoutloud! Just decide if you want cheese or ham in your sandwich for eff's sake!!!" but hey that's the job. You keep smiling and you keep reminding yourself that patience is a virtue (which in my case I eventually hope to develop through all this incredibly hard work).

I think you've posted before about your concerns with supporting your future BIL, haven't you? Speaking of programs, I heartily endorse your idea of living skills for BIL, but how about family or caregiver support groups, forums or similar for you and fiance too? There are many brain injury groups around, I should see what's out there in your area.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
I think my goal in thinking he needs to be treated as a child is to realize that he's not a fully functioning adult like we would want him to be. He requires care and can't be left alone for long. Similar to a child, he would have to either have someone watch him or he would have to come with us if we decided to go anywhere for any period of time. It IS very difficult to try to manage what I would prefer for my future and what will more than likely be my future. If he does ever live with us permanently, I will be pushing for a program of some sort so that he's not just sitting watching TV all the time like he does when he's here for 1-2 weeks at a time now. I'm hoping that a case worker would be able to help my fiance make those decisions that are right for his brother.
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Reading more of your saga below I’m guessing since the brother qualifies for work assistance he probably qualifies for and may have other government assistance for his disability. Does he have a care manager or coordinator, a social worker? Perhaps a meeting with that person or the people he works for, the professional who know him is in order. Your fiancé may or may not be right in his belief that his brother is better off not in a group home or some sort of skilled living with other people who have cognitive limitations. There are of course extras in the environments of group games just like differences in types that al, depend on various things including his needs and your fiancé may only know of and picture the worst scenario. He and maybe you as well need to talk to a knowledgeable professional about the options and ask all his questions, nothing wrong with being skeptical. What’s most important to him is what’s best for his brother, that’s the place to start and hopefully he has an open mind with a professional who knows the ropes, it’s harder to be his fiancé who’s suggesting things.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
Yes, he does have a social worker of some sort in a different state where he lives. When he lives with us, it's something we'll need to have transferred or find someone in our state. I think my fiance does see group homes as a stigma of sorts and he also has a strong feeling of responsibility for his brother. He feels like he abandoned him when their mom died and now he has to take care of him because he couldn't take care of her. He's been a lot more open minded as of late because he's actually spent more time with his brother. He basically used to leave him with me and I did everything. Now, he actually stays the majority of the time with him and gives me a breather once in a while. I'm hopeful that if he does live with us (he actually said he wants to stay where he's at) that we'll find a good social worker who can give my fiance advice. I honestly don't think it should be my responsibility to make any of those decisions and that's why I've left most things to him.
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Just read your response to me. Your BIL to be can't live alone. I would get a POA now. But the lawyer may say guardianship would be better. With him having the maturity of an 8/10 he may not be able to assign POA. Neither POAs or guardianship are transferable. I don't know how guardianship for you would work since ur not related.

Tell your BF that leaving money to his brother would cause problems with Medicaid. His Medicaid would stop and he would need to apply again once the insurance money was spent down. Medicaid is based on income. It also may effect his SSD. These would be questions for a lawyer well versed in SS and Medicaid law. My nephew has a Special Needs Trust that his Moms insurance money was placed. I had to get it established before he was able to get Medicaid.

I would not want to start a marriage caring for someone else. There are group homes for BFs brother. If you get guardianship, you have more control over his finances. You can make sure the GF doesn't take advantage of the brother. I was limited because I only had POA. With guardianship I would have been able to tell the ARC to keep this woman away from my nephew. But my nephew can think for himself so I cannot get guardianship.

Feel free to PM me anytime.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
Thank you for this information! He also has his aunt as a beneficiary. It's good to know that it could affect his brother's benefits. I think it would be a good thing to discuss with an attorney when he gets the POA or guardianship. With the guardianship, isn't it more involved like sending reports to the state? I've read that I would be able to get a POA as well so that I would be able to help him with finances and with the life insurance. I'm hoping that an attorney would be able to convince him that it's not a good idea to have his brother as a beneficiary, especially if it would affect his insurance and benefits. It's difficult to just bring up his life insurance unless he's already talking about it.

I don't think our marriage will start with his brother actually living with us, but since he hasn't been working, he's been here about 50% of the time (almost every month for 2 weeks at a time). Everyone tells me that I do way too much for his brother but I only do it for my fiance, not his brother. Honestly, and it sounds bad, but I liked it a lot more when I only saw him once or twice a year. I don't think his GF has the mental capacity to take advantage of him. I can't rely on information from him, but he said she was in a severe accident and has several neurological issues. His brother has signed medical paperwork and other things and can understand contracts, but he just doesn't think to pay for anything himself like a normal adult would.
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EW; I've been reading your posts for quite a while, and this is what I've observed.

1. You are a realist and your boyfriend is not.

2. You are a planner and your boyfriend is not.

3. You seek out information from reliable sources (layers, social workers) and your boyfriend does not.

4. You would like to have your boyfriend's brother learn skills so that he can become more independent and your boyfriend doesn't seem to give a $hit about that.

What your boyfriend seems to care about is "offloading" this problem on to someone else (you) so that he doesn't have to put any thought or effort into the project. At the same time, he doesn't seem to believe anything you tell him.

What you wrote the other day about BF's life insurance policy was particularly troubling. It is an indication to me, at least, that he sees no reason to trouble himself about taking care of you or your future children.

There is some sort of troubling emotional issue going on with your BF; if you are REALLY committed to working this out, go to therapy with him and encourage him to seek out help on his own to resolve his issues. Otherwise, I don't see much hope in this becoming a balanced relationship.
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How long ago was his stroke? How old is he? Just wondering if there is any possibility of him improving or if he's reached his max?

At this point, guess you can't expect anything of him. I guess just correct him and point him in the right direction. "This is not the bathroom. It's right over here."

He works and is in a relationship? Doesn't seem to match with him not knowing where the bathroom is.

If this is as good as it gets, I would consider NOT having him live with you. It's going to be a challenge. If someone else will take him in, you could pitch in and give them respite care by watching him for some short periods of time. A couple weekends a month or something like that. Helpful to the caregiver but not totally changing your life either.
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Emotionalwreck Aug 2021
He was 14 or 15 when he had his stroke. He was born with a rare brain condition that requires surgery every 5-10 years (I've been told this is abnormal to need it but he does). He had a stroke during surgery and was in a coma for at least a week. He's 36 now, so I assume he's at his top point of recovery from the memory issues. The medication he takes can also cause memory issues, so that doesn't help, but it's required or he'll have seizures.

That's what I try to do - tell him several times until it somewhat sticks. I think he also gets more confused at night and in the morning but also with simple tasks that he's asked to do. If he has enough repetition (like with his job) he's able to learn new things.

I'm against him living with us, but my fiance doesn't like where he lives now (with a family friend) because she seems to take advantage of him. Also, he feels that strong responsibility for him since their parents are gone. No other family member will care for him (they've tried, but almost got into physical fights over things he does). I've already tried to discuss other options like group homes but my fiance is adamant about him not living anywhere else. It's not right now, but will be at some point in the future. The only good thing is that my fiance is slowly starting to see that we would never be able to leave a child with his brother (he used to say we would have a live-in babysitter but his brother can't register that children need to be looked after).
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EW, as I read your replies to posts, it seems to me that you are already quite deeply committed to going ahead with this arrangement. You’ve been warned about the issues, but you think you can cope with it all. It’s a high risk strategy. Of course it’s your right to give it a go for the sake of your own relationship. One thing you could do is to work out the point at which it’s not OK for you, and an exit strategy to take when that happens. We have so many posters who got themselves into a bad situation and bitterly regret it, up to a decade later.
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Emotional - this post is so very similar to your other one "Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently? My brother-in-law (36) has never lived on his own due to short-term memory loss. Is there a program that could evaluate his ability to live on his own? I'm essentially trying to either see if it's a future possibility or if I should plan for him to live with us when the time comes. My fiance is hesitant to allow him to do some things and I'd like to either ease his fears or confirm them. He has already said he doesn't want his brother living in a 'group home' likely because of some stigma he feels they have."
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