Torn with care of father. How do you ask your sibling, who resides nine hours away, to assist you in caring for our father?

Get these thoughts out of your head immediately. They aren’t helpful to you.

You know how tough it is to be a caregiver. I am sure that you are aware that your sibling isn’t going to volunteer to help. You don’t have a right to expect help from them. Yes, it stinks doing it alone. I did it alone too. Let it go.

Hire a caregiver with your parent’s money or look into placement for them.

I know that my answer is short and simple but nothing more needs to be said.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Your sibling lost their spouse only a year ago after caring for that spouse for many years. Surely you don't expect her to take on a similar situation after what she has gone through with her deceased spouse. If caring for your father is becoming difficult for you, placement is your solution. Not grandchildren or great grandchildren.

I think some of you are missing the point here, the sibling has not seen Dad because they were caring for their own spouse in that time. And that spouse died only a year ago. Do u really think they want to jump in and take care of the father? OP is asking that the sibling take care of Dad for the rest of his life. Also, maybe they live nine hours away for a reason.

After caring for my Mom for 2 years in my home, then an AL, then LTC, I said at the age of 68 I was not physically caring for anyone else unless it was my spouse.

Like said, OP can ask but don't be surprised when the answer is No. I think if things are getting to much, then place Dad. It isn't fair that one child has to take on all the care. But, its rare that a family all pitch in.

I think that you must understand already that if your sibling wished to/were willing to take on care of your father then that sibling would already have offered to do so. Given that the sibling hasn't seen the father for six years it should be crystal clear that there is not a whole lot of love lost here. Your sibling will not be taking on any of this care. That you have chosen to is your choice; honestly we cannot make choices for other people.
I think that it is time to recognize that you are close to your limitations. At 79 I can guarantee you that your father is not falling because he is stubborn, but because his balance is poor, and he is more infirm. Would you want him to call you for every single move he makes? Would that not increase your burdens exponentially? The truth is that this is not going to change nor get better as well.
Placement may be the only answer. I am not saying it is a good answer, because you are well out of range now of any "fix its" that will make everything "good". The end of life, the stages of it, are not happy times. You have done your best; do consider now how much more time you can sacrifice of your own life going forward. Your Dad has HAD his own life. This is your one and only.
I wish you luck in making decisions going forward. If you think you could benefit from a bit of counseling to comb through your choices then do consider a Licensed Social Worker specially trained in life transition work. A few hours can often be of great value in acceptance and planning.

"My sibling would get to spend whatever time my dad has left caring for him."

You sound like this is a privilege. I think your sibling is well aware what is involved in caring for someone. I think they need to be able to get their life together before taking on caring for someone else who could live another 10 years. I don't think grandchildren should be expected to care for a grandparent either when a child/children are available.

Ask your sibling to come and care for Dad while you go on vacation, no problem.

Try Adult Daycare using Dad's money. I had my Mom in 3 days a week. They supplied transportation, breakfast and lunch. Even bathed her for me.

If he has money, maybe he would enjoy living in an Assisted Living. He would have socialization and activities and not be a "burden".

Hire someone, with Dads money, for a few hours a week or day so you can get away.

I really understand where ur coming from. But at this point it looks like your it. And many of the members are in the same boat ur.

I would not ask my sibling to take our dad for the rest of his life. It is not an honor or reward to be the caregiver, as you well know.

I would be honest and tell him/her that it is just more then you can handle and you want their help in convincing dad to go into a facility.

That is the only help I would ask for.

"...What I would like to happen is for my sibling to take on some of the responsibility of caring for our dad in their home..." What you would like and what your sibling would like are two different things. What are your expectations? Who is going to chauffeur your dad 9 hours each way? How frequently? Have you considered that your father could feel like a ping pong ball, bouncing between two homes?

I think it's time you have a candid discussion with your sibling about your father's longterm care needs. What is your sibling willing to do? You may not like the answer if it's anything short of agreeing to give you respite from being his full-time caregiver.

His needs are only going to increase. Better to figure out a plan now before you burnout. What can your father afford? Is there a senior living community nearby where he can live?

I would just call my brother and tell him I wanted to discuss dads care. No one could understand better how hard it is to do what you are doing. Together perhaps you can come up with a care plan to ease your burden. I would not expect him to take on the care. Your dad doesn’t need another worn out caregiver. But brother may have a thing or two he can share that he did or wished he had done and I would think it could bring all three of you a degree of comfort to discuss life in general.

it might be unreasonable to expect your sib to come and help with the physical care of your dad.

I suggest you make a list of all the things you are doing for your Dad. Then go through the list and decide which items your sibling might be able to do long distance. Call sib answer ask him/her for help, read the list and ask which tasks he/she is willing to do. And be ready with specifics about what you expect and need.

If you feel you can no longer take care of your father alone, maybe you can hire care to come in for so many hours a day or x number of days per week, so that you can catch a break.  If you don't want to do that, you could call you sister and tell her that you can no longer take care of dad on your own and ask for her to come visit for two reasons...one, to visit her ailing father whom she hasn't seen in six years and secondly, to assist you in choosing the best LTC facility to place him.

With her experience of taking care of her husband until his death, she has experience with all of this and may have some suggestions for dads care.  She will certainly understand your burnout.