How do we physically get my father to a memory care facility? He said if we try and remove him from his home, he will disappear.

Many years ago no one knew my husband was dying of pancreatic cancer. Not a single doctor could establish exactly what was happening. I decided to take him to a high level teaching hospital in Philadelphia. Well, he refused and said he was NOT going to go. So I told him he had two options I was going to present for his consideration and he could make the choice. I told him (l) it would be a nice, peaceful day where I would take him to the specialist and treat him to lunch; or (2) he could go to the specialist and have a nice lunch with me - with one difference: I told him (bluffing) I had hired two men to 'escort' him in my car when I took him to the specialist and it would cost me a fortune which I didn't have but he could choose. He was flabbergasted and finally agreed to go with just me. You may have to resort to hiring two very strong able-bodied men to escort him when the time comes having made all preparations in advance - but never let him know anything until they appear and each one takes one arm.

I have gone back and re-read most of these posts. We are at the point with my 92 year old dad with dementia where something has to be done. He is getting more frail by the day. He still really enjoys the caregivers that come in for 6 hours a day but they are concerned about his safety the rest of the time. Now he won't bathe and won't let anyone help him. He fell yesterday. Luckily a caregiver was there and caught him before he hit the floor. He refuses to wear his safety pendant. He still manages his own meds, but that seems to be going ok for now. He still insists on managing most of his own bills even though I have conservatorship (which he hates). The other day, the mail came and there was a bill to pay. I wrote on the front of the envelope to "pay this bill" so he and the caregiver could pay it during the week. He insisted twice that all he needed to do was put a stamp on the front of the envelope (the one that the bill was mailed in) and it would be ready to go. I explained to him that no, he hadn't written the check yet so it was not ready to mail. Hmm.... that's a first. He's always been so on top of his finances (his checkbook balances to the penny (I couldn't tell you the last time I balanced mine!) Then we had prepared his ballot to mail for a bond measure we have here (we have mail in elections). He insisted that we needed to put a check in the envelope. Again I explained that no, this was his ballot and not a bill. On Saturday, I drove him to this really great assisted living that I found. He would not get out of the car and ended up with him extremely angry so I took him home. He still has enough on the ball, however, that he knows exactly what's going on. I have reached out to the police to see if they could assist with the move when he becomes violent. They said 'no'. I asked the assisted living what they would do if someone comes in and is combative because they don't want to be there. They said they would call the police. Go figure. It has been suggested that I give up my guardianship. Really thinking about this. Dad won't do what I want. Doesn't trust me. Thinks his kids are against him. Maybe there's something to having an outside person manage this. But then again, my siblings would disown me which might not be a bad thing (and no, they don't help with dad. it's all me). I've read too many horror stories about outside guardians, however. His money would be sucked dry and the family would have no say-so in any of his matters. I figure they would sell his house out from under him. I might end up in a worse place than I am now.

Vickier, I hope that things are proceeding in a good way. Please come back and let us know how you handled this. We truly learn from each other here.

Once you decide on a facility, contact them and ask them to help you make a plan to get him there. Explain everything you said on this forum, and they should be able to get it done.

Vickier,

So sorry for your pain. Please know that everyone on this forum has also been through a lot.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I have one more question. I've saved some of dad's voicemail messages he left me. They are all very
disturbing. And if course they send me into panic mode. One time he even threaten to burn his house down because "no one ever came to see him". When in fact we are out there every week and call him every day.

Should I play some for him to hear? Maybe it would get through to him just how serious this is.
I've saved them because I wanted his doctor to hear them.
Thanks Yal so much!

I went to visit dad today. Took him out to eat and then to Wal-Mart. We had gotten in the car to leave and then he said he had to go to bathroom. So I drove him up to Walmart front door and told him I would wait on him.
30 mins later NO DAD!! I go in to look for him and he's wandering around. I asked him what he was doing and he said he got confused and got lost. So now I know he's gotten way worse. One.top of that mice are back and are already making nests in his.home! Last year we had a time getting rid of them. And his home was over run by them.
I tried to talk to him on the way back to his house about how us trying to take care of him at home wasn't feasible any longer. That I wanted.him to seriously think about how hard it was on us with our own medical issues.It just went over his head.
I was in such much physical pain by the time I was finished there and then had a 2 hr drive! By the time I got home I was in tears. I was just drained. I'm bi-polar
on top of all my medical issues. And stress is one of my triggers that lands me in a psych ward. I spent 2 weeks in one last yr, one of the reasons was dad.
now my sister and BIL have another family fire to put out with my nephew and his family. Now she's not going to be as available to help.out with dad. She's just spread too thin.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but when!
Sorry I just needed to vent..

Vickier; I'm so glad that the pieces are falling into place; you ARE doing the right thing to keep your dad safe and out of harm's way.

One of my aunt's was adamant that my uncle would "NEVER" go to memory care. He began to wander dangerously (on the highway) and tragically, started beating my aunt when she wouldn't give him the key to get out of their condo (you never met a more loving or gentle man).

She was finally convinced to place him. She dropped dead of a heart attack a few weeks later. He lived on in his AL/MC quite happily for another year.

Vickier: You're welcome!

First You need to go to probate and request a form to commit him. His walking off is dangerous to him. The form is easy to fill out. Be exact in everything he's done that could be harmful. Be exact in threats he's made to disappear. The judge will review your petition fast, many times within a few hours. If the judge grants this, your dad will be picked up by police and taken to a care facility for his safety. The police are trained to do this and usually very good at it. After this, you should also file for full guardianship. Guardianship is better then a POA. I had to do this with my dad. He too had dementia. It's a tough decision but a wise one. I don't regret doing it at all. I kept him safe and that's what mattered. Good luck with your dad. If you go this route, do not feel guilty over it.

Do you have both Financial and Medical POA?  If you have Financial POA or if your Medical POA states that you can pay for your Dad's medical expenses (using his money only), you can sign the nursing home forms as: 
"John Doe/ Vicki Doe Jones, POA" to indict that you have financial control of your Dad's money and that you will use HIS MONEY to pay his bills.  You will NOT be personally responsible for paying his nursing home bills with YOUR money.

Vickier, can't you sign as POA? I have read that federal law stops facilities from making families responsible for the debt. However, they may want to know who will send the payment. Can you get dad to sign, even with any mark as long as it's witnessed? Just thinking.

Vickie’s, a POA gives you the ability to handle you father's finances, write checks, pay bills etc. The facilities want to ensure that there is someone able to access the residents assets to pay for their care. I have access to my Mom's accounts and can pay her bills using her money.

And here I am .... was told yesterday by my dad's geriatric psych that he needs to be in memory care. Guess we've advanced beyond the assisted living stage. As I have not gone and visited any yet, looks like we have a few really nice ones not far from his home, near doctors, etc. I have an appointment after work Friday to go visit one. However, we all know that he won't go. But the living at home thing isn't working either. The geriatric psych put it this way: "he has no insight into his limitations." That pretty well sums it up.

Dear Vickier,

I hope that I did not come across as uncaring or unfeeling - it was not my intention at all and I meant no disrespect to anyone. It's difficult to know how to go about things when a loved one has become cognitively impaired.

I moved my mom in with me after my dad passed away a little over a year ago. I'd taken her on vacation for her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad because I wanted to distract her from her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad. I lost my own husband five years ago and remember all to well how difficult that first year can be. As it turned out, I took her in the nick of time because last October, I took her to the movies and when we came out, she did not recognize who I was.

I had to figure out a way to get mom to the hospital without her knowing that was where I was taking her. She thought I was her sister and kept asking where our mom and dad were. She was also making things up that I knew were not true and I did not realize what I was dealing with. I stayed in the hospital with her for about 4 days while they ran several tests and, the results concluded that she suffered minor strokes, which basically destroyed brain cells and launched her into moderate stage dementia.

Thankfully, after about a month, the new medications started to take effect and mom stabilized a bit. I also took a leave from my job to make sure that I put things in place for her. I switched bedrooms so that she would have the master bedroom I once shared with my late husband and took a smaller room next to the kitchen for myself. Thankfully, I can still handle things with mom in my home and hope to do so for as long as I possibly can. My only sibling passed away over 3 decades ago and mom and I are pretty much the only family we have left.

Wishing you and your family the very best and I am glad that you have decided upon a plan which will work best for you.

An ambulance or medical transport service will take care of it for you.

See if the Dr would give him an anti depressant med. changed my husband from lion to lamb. After 12 yrs of ALZ I put him in memory care. The first night they said was horrible. Gave him meds to calm. I had given him 2 tylenal pm once w episode & he went to sleep. I did not visit for 2 weeks so he could feel that was home. I felt like that was his first death for me. Not in his bed when I look to see if he was ok etc. he just passed 3 wks ago & was up & walking but God knew it was time so spit blood at er found kidney failure. Gone in 6 days. They will medicate your dad if he gets aggressive which you may not like but remember you cannot care for him & they have a group of people to deal with. Always remember this disease does not get better so I didn’t want to prolong it. Not fair to him or family. I like the idea take him to lunch there & they should flower him w love so you can leave. Pray a lot so all will be peaceful. Go to an Alzheimer’s support group it does your guilt wonders. We meet weekly & we all share in different circumstances. You will gain strength from them.

My mother had always said that she would "do something to herself" if we ever put her in a Nursing Home. Well, that's a lot of big talk (bluff) as she is still living. I know that she's not a big burly man who would fight me because she didn't trust me, but we did manage to use words and phrases that made Mom interested in "visiting" this NEW place. Words like, "senior residence, assisted living, new apartment, people your age, etc. Phrases like,....less housework for you; no shopping; no yard work; I have my own health issues; (which may or may not be true). However, once we took her to have a tour of the place, she had the biggest smile on her face and was so happy to be able to live there.
I don't know if this will work for you and your Dad, but feel it's worth a try.
I also don't know if you need to get the Sheriff into the act either. This may really create a scene. However, if you have a Social Worker with whom you are working and "getting things into place," he/she may have other options for you. Good luck.....

Would your father want to go to lunch or dinner with you? Can you set it up with the AL/MC facility to host a "luncheon" and allow you to quietly leave afterward while he visits someone in his own room? I bet you could possibly set something like this up. Once he's there, don't visit until he's "settled in" per the facility. It may take a week's worth of planning, but that might work, particularly if it's paired with a doctor's appointment or something like that. Many AL facilities have nice dining rooms that look like a restaurant.

Jjust tell him he have an appointment he won't remember anyway. And take it from there

Get everything set up before hand. Then get some able bodied individuals to do the transfer. When an elder gets to this point, it "is no longer possible" to keep them at home. I echo Riley.

Whatever you do, have everything set in stone and in place. DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR FATHER - YOU WON'T WIN. Instead hire some suitable strong people who are used to handling situations like this (they are trained to do this) and have them on standby when the time comes and they will "escort" him to his new home. You cannot take any chances doing anything else. Remember, this is the worst that can happen to him - he doesn't want to leave his home and I would not either. But you must have help and not let him know in advance. Just show up and do what you need to do.

You must realize parents have children and it is their obligation to care for them. That is life. They grow up and leave home. They now have a right to a life and if they want to and are able to care for parents who are "off" and gone, that is their choice and their right but not everyone has the mental or physical capacity to take on these extreme cases, nor can they provide suitable care for their parents or ailing spouses. Eventually the caretakers' lives will be destroyed and it will be hell for all concerned. That is why modern society has places to put patients who are too far gone to be cared to and tended at home. Sad but that is the way it is.

I am shocked, disappointed & frankly horrified by the responses here. Most everyone agrees that they should just trick & lie to their parents then cry afterwards on their behalf. I have fought & struggled to keep my mother who has dementia in her home. It IS possible & once you get the hang of it, it's not that hard. If they were a veteran or married to one, the benefits from Aide & Attendence will probably end up covering it. Also Medicare might be able to assist. It just takes a little work kids. Think of all your parents did for you & your conscience!!! If you have questions, need more information or advice I'll stay on this forum though it is very difficult to hear what many people have done or are planning to do to their parents. I stand with all the doctors and nurses who care & are in support of people who do not throw away America's elderly for "their own good" because it frequently is not.

My MIL had to be sedated and then strapped to a wheelchair after MD said she needed to be in a nursing home permanently. But she had had multiple falls and also had A-fib. Once she was there, she liked having the attention and a minister who visited her once a week. She went in and out of hospice/nursing home for about two years before she died at 90.

Took my mom over to my sister's house for a visit. Left her with my sister. Then, we moved her bedroom furniture into the care home and set it up just as she had it in her own home. Then we told her we were all going out to a "dinner". The dinner was at the care home. (Unfortunately mom is more confused in the evening so we made sure to move her at that time.) We sat with her for a while during dinner, chatted, etc., then the caregivers took over and we slipped away. Of course I cried driving home .......

When it came time to move my married friends to a memory care apartment I had found for them, another friend came and took them to breakfast at a nice restaurant in a nearby-town and then to have their nails done at a shopping mall. In the meantime, the movers and I were getting their furniture to their new apartment. We set up the bedroom just like they had it in their condo with the same pictures on the wall, furniture in the same places. We set up their small living room so it was arranged just like their den where they spent all their time watching tv. When they got done with their nails, it was about 2:30 in the afternoon and when they walked in, the husband, who had been so adamant about not needing to leave their condo, saw his favorite recliner arranged just like home and sat in it with a sigh of relief and has been happy ever since. His wife had frontal temporal dementia and needed 24 hour care and the husband with short term memory issues, could not process how she was changing over the past 7 years. The wife only lived another 5 1-2 months before her mind was shutting down and she could no longer swallow.
She was in hospice care by that time and died comfortably next to her husband in the hospital bed we got set up next to his recliner once hospice began. That was in 2015. He is still there and spends most of his day in his favorite recliner watching his favorite old TV shows like Gunsmoke and Mash.
He joins the others on the memory care floor for meals and there are activities he can join in, but prefers not to do so. He is well cared for and happy and not alone. He remembers his wife, of course, and misses her, but understands it's only a matter of time before he can join her again. I am thankful to have found a place that does this care well and doesn't miss a beat. The memory care floor is a locked facility, so getting out is not possible. I have to use a special fob that is programmed to open the doors to enter or leave the floor. I think most memory care facilities are like that, so you don't have to worry about their wandering. I am grateful for how smooth the move went and that our strategy of making it look like home worked well.

We placed my in-laws lady June 6 hours away from home just using my DPOA (medical and financial in Texas). My FIL is physically able and was wandering also then he burned down his shop after losing their home to hurricane Harvey. We had the Dr give us some xanax for the long trip but ended up not using it. We told them it was until they could get better and were able to care for themselves again which will never happen. They have done fairly well but he still asks when they are getting out of there. We just keep putting them off. She remembers they have no house but he doesn't even remember the hurricane

My mom was falling down a lot. Her very last fall was miserable enough to put her in the nursing facility for a long term care. Before that, her doctor who was geriatric tried everything from giving her medicine to getting her a social worker, but it was not enough to get her into the facility. I was very worried, and drained. After my mom was admitted to the nursing home, she was angry, and depressed that she couldn’t go back home after she got healed from her broken arm, and leg. She was not in her mind either. Sometimes, she gave me the guilt trips on killing herself if we were not letting her to go back home.

So, either way, no matter what how hard you do with your father, he would keep fighting. Be prepared for this situation.

Good luck, and hugs!

I heard how some friends of mine got their mother in a facility. They had previously arranged with their Mom to take her out for a meal. They took their time and then went for a drive. In the meantime, other family members moved her personal things and furniture to a care facility. On the way back to her home, they went by the care facility and suggested they just look at it. He might resist, but suggest you try it out. It was all prearranged with the facility and after they showed her around the facility, they took her to see a room. Then she noticed that the things in the room looked familiar. It was at that point that they told her those were her things and she was staying. She was mad at them for a few weeks until she got involved in activities and now loves it! My parents willing chose an assisted living home and now my mother claims she did not pick the place (she does not remember because of her dementia), and hates it, but it's the best place for both of them. Her doctor put her on an anti-depressant a month ago, and it has made all the difference in the world as to her frame of mind. Good luck!

Your concerns about wandering should also be discussed with the place where he would be taken so that they can keep a closer watch on him. I know it sounds terrible to sedate him but he can potentially harm himself as well as others.