How do we help my grandpa with severe memory loss cope with a big thing in his life being taken away?

Stop talking about the guns with him. If Grandpa brings it up, tell him a therapeutic fib, like: "Dad, I have them at my house to clean them" -- something simple (he may or may not buy it) then you just keep changing the subject. If he can't get himself off the topic then leave.

FYI your Grandpa should be checked for a UTI, which can cause big cognitive changes in a short time.

Your Grandpa, if he doesn't have a UTI, should be taking meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. This will help with the paranoia. He senses something is wrong and is trying to explain why he can't locate his stuff. He can't come to grips that he's the one with the problem, so he accuses others since this is easier for his ego to take.

Do not give the guns or ammo back to him no matter what,

If your Dad is his PoA, then your Dad now needs to read the paperwork to see what activates the PoA authority. If Grandpa doesn't assign a PoA he risks becoming a ward of a court-assigned guardian. It happens all the time...

If grandpa hasn’t had a recent medical evaluation including cognitive testing, it needs to happen. When there’s dementia, it means he’s lost the ability to reason and make sound judgments. Trying to explain, reason, and argue with him is wasted effort, he’s not able to be rational anymore. He’s likely no longer safe to live alone, and may have reached the time where decisions have to be made in his best interests, rather than his wishes. Absolutely no more access to guns, this is totally unsafe for him and others. It’s understandable not to like seeing him sad, but that cannot drive the decisions. A medication to calm his anxiety and sadness can also be considered with his doctor. He’s blessed to have a caring family looking out for him

That sounds like such a heartbreaking and stressful situation—for your grandpa, your dad, and really the whole family. When someone with dementia loses something that feels central to their independence or identity (like the safe in your grandpa’s case), it can feel like their whole world is collapsing, even if it was done for safety reasons.

I’ve heard of families facing similar situations, and one thing that sometimes helps is redirecting the focus rather than repeatedly explaining or reasoning (which often just adds more frustration). For example, some people create a “replacement” activity or safe space—like a locked cabinet with non-dangerous items, a small fireproof box with keepsakes, or even a routine that gives the person a sense of control and security. It won’t feel the same, but it can help fill the void of what was taken away.

It’s also really important to remember that your dad did the right thing removing the guns. Safety has to come first, even if it causes pain in the moment. What you’re describing—your grandpa seeming defeated—is unfortunately part of the grieving process when something meaningful is gone. Sometimes the sadness softens with time, especially if he has new ways to feel needed or purposeful.

And please don’t forget your dad’s well-being. Caregiver guilt and stress can be overwhelming in these situations, but he acted out of love and concern. None of this is easy, and you’re not alone—many families have walked this same hard road. 

I'm sorry your family is going through this tough time. It does sound like grandpa has dementia and you're doing the right thing by having an appointment ready for him. When my mother started hiding things and accusing, she also started making unsafe decisions and we had to remove firearms. That made her angry. Soon after, we took away her car. That made her angrier. A while later, we moved her from her house to a senior apartment. That made her even angrier.
So, dealing with a person with dementia involves constantly taking things away from them. It's heartbreaking for everyone. My mother is now staying in a bedroom in a memory care facility. She misses her house full of furniture and her billions of knick-knacks. That all had to be sold and donated. She couldn't stay in her house because dementia patients aren't safe living alone and our mom wandered down the highway twice. We couldn't afford to hire 24-hour in-home caregivers. It is more affordable to move a person to a dementia care facility. Many people sell the house and pool that money with any retirement and social security checks.

My advice would be for you and your family to read some of the other entries on this forum. It will help you decide how you want to take care of grandpa. My mother became belligerent and it was the most depressing time of my life living in her apartment with her, trying to keep her from walking out the door at all hours of the night. She did not sleep. She was wild and loud. She even banged on neighbors' doors. It was a scary mess. We are heading into the ninth year of her dementia. It's been exhausting. I am so thankful she is now in a safe, locked memory care place with people who work in 8 hour shifts, and I am at home with my husband, living a semi-normal life.
I still spend lots of time with her. Today I gave her a shower and wiped the poo off her toilet seat and explained for the hundredth time how to use Depends. That's the kind of thing your father will be in for if he takes your grandfather into his home and tries to care for him. A possible nine years of lifting, feeding, washing and wiping, covering all the chairs with incontinence pads, and occasionally getting cussed out for his efforts. I don't mean to scare you, I just hope your family rethinks promises. Situations change. Your grandfather's elders may have died a lot quicker than people do nowadays with all the life prolonging medications, so he might have thought he wouldn't be much trouble for very long.

Also, it is WAY harder emotionally to move a parent out of your house after you decide he needs more care than you can provide. It would be more straightforward to move grandpa from his house to assisted living or memory care.

If it's too late for your dad to change his mind, then maybe you can use this situation to start a new conversation: "Dad, I'm going to need you to plan to move into assisted living some day. It would be too much for me to feed and lift and clean you."

It's nearly impossible to make a person with dementia "happy". You can only make them safe. The dying years are hard for everyone and it's nobody's fault.
My heart goes out to you.

In response to your further info, you can and should inform the doctor of what you’re seeing in grandpa prior to the appointment, and let his primary care doctor know as well. You may not be on grandpa’s HIPPA forms for the medical staff to communicate with you, but that’s doesn’t prevent you sending information to them. Use the patient portal or provide a letter in advance of the appointment outlining the behaviors and concerns, including not taking meds as prescribed

Well it is more than obvious to me and hopefully your family too, that your grandpa should NOT be living by himself anymore.
Calling once a day and visiting once a week just isn't enough anymore. Your grandpa now needs to be placed in either as assisted living facility or memory care, where he will be looked after 24/7. Either that or he needs to pay for full-time in-home help with his own money.
Dementia only gets worse, never better, and yes depression often goes along with it, so perhaps whoever is your grandpa's POA needs to talk to his doctor about putting him on an anti-depressant along with something for his paranoia which is common with folks with dementia.
And most definitely DO NOT return any of your grandpa's guns to him. Eventually he will forget that he even had them.
I wish you and your family the very best in finding the right facility for your grandpa to be moved to.

The things that are certain here are:
1. Grandfather is no longer safe to live alone and manage his own care.
2. A diagnosis of this is required in order for a family member to be in charge of any decisions as regards living alone, guns and etc.
3. If there is no designated POA at this time (even written into some prior will as a springing POA) then guardianship of the state or guardianship of family will be required.
The latter is A) difficult to get B) Costly to get C) difficult to manage in an uncooperative senior D) difficult to get out of as you can only resign with permission of a judge who often will not give said permission.

THEREFORE I would report all you reported to us to APS, telling them you are not being allowed to intervene for the safety of grandfather and he and others as well are currently at risk, telling APS you believe grandfather needs diagnosis and management for his own and other's safety and you cannot be involved to care for him.

If no one in the family can take granddad into their home, he needs to go to Memory care if HE can afford it. If not, a nice Longterm care facility with Medicaid .

With what you discribed, he should not be alone. TG took out tge guns and I would take out the one he still has.

FIL took and claimed a gun owned by DH. DH didn't care because DH knew he'd get it back when FIL died. When FIL died, MIL claimed it was now hers. Again, DH didn't correct her because it was just a matter of time that he'd get HIS gun back.

When MIL got Capgras, she went looking for HER gun to -- as told to her BFF -- "get rid of A [me]". According to her, she also needed it to remove the man living in her back room and the woman that kept showering in her bathroom fully clothed. Full on hallucinations. Much like the gun scenario, the home was owned by DH but she thought it was owned by her. The dementia/Capgras made her having any access to a weapon dangerous.

We made sure it and all ammo was "disappeared". DH actively prevented having someone or his house shot to pieces.

MIL never forgot about the gun and kept searching until she was moved into MC. We let her search and she died not knowing where it disappeared. No matter how tough it is emotionally to face, weapons and driving are two of the hardest issues to confront. Ignoring them is not an option. Fatal car crashes and shot up homes are not unheard of in the dementia world.

Get him moved into 24/7 care asap and don't fret about promising to keep him home. Sometimes it just isn't possible when things change for the worst. Stay strong...

Ellagrace, you and your family did the right thing. Stay strong. Remember that this is for your grandfather's safety, and the safety of other family members. How would grandpa feel if he unintentionally injured someone, or worse? It's life parenting toddler -- sometimes we have to make them sad to protect them.

A secure memory care unit would be the safest place for him, rather than in-home care, since he wanders, including at night. One of the advantages of a facility is that the staff will have a schedule for giving him his medications, and they are very good at coaxing residents to take them.

I know this is very challenging; hang in there.

OK...here I go
I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be living alone.
Your grandpa either needs a live in caregiver. Or several caregivers that will take shifts.
the other options...a family member moves in with grandpa or grandpa moves in with a family member
OR
Place grandpa in Memory Care where he will be safe and cared for 24/7.

You can place cameras around his house.
but
One day grandpa may turn the water on and forget he left it on and will flood the house.
or
He will turn the stove on (hopefully it is electric and not gas) and forget about it.
or
He will walk out to get the mail and turn the wrong way not and not make it back home.

Something serious has already happened. Grandpa was " up and walking around his house around 1am. He was even trying to get into his truck, couldn’t figure it out, then couldn’t figure out how to get back in his house." Next he'll wander off and potentially get lost or fall and hit his head, which happened to a client of mine years ago. He fell in the street and wasn't discovered until 5am. He died the next day of a subdural hematoma.

The job of a POA is to do for grandpa what he is no longer capable of doing for himself. To make those decisions grandpa no longer has the capacity to make. To take guns away. To place him in a safe environment where 24/7 care is available. Even if grandpa begs and cries to stay home, the POA realizes he cannot because it's too dangerous to do so. Emotions are put aside in favor of rational thinking. Allowing an elder with advanced dementia to have guns is not rational. Feeling so sorry for an elder who wants to avoid what's safe for him in favor of staying in a dangerous location is not rational. Medications are available for depression and anxiety to help grandpa cope with his losses. Your job is to go visit him and love him, thats all.

I was given POA for my parents and to make tough decisions when they were no longer able to. When they would've chosen unsafe conditions for themselves, I had to step in and be The Bad Guy. I took on that role willingly because I loved them. Yes, I felt sorry for their disease processes and moms dementia, but it was still my job to keep them safe. They may have disagreed with me and disliked me even, but that's okay. When each of them passed, I knew I did right by them, and I was satisfied with myself. That's the main goal at this juncture. To have no regrets about the "shoulda beens". Just Do It.

Best of luck to you.

Its no longer what Granddad wants, its what he needs. You granddad seems to be middle or latter stages. He needs someone to be with him 24/ 7. Dad needs to read his POA, if it says Durable Power of Attorney it should be immediate and it will say that in the body of the document. Your Dad does not need his fathers permission to place him. He gave Dad the ability to make decisions for him when he is incompetent to make them himself. You don't tell granddad you are placing him, you just do it. We told my Mom, in the car, she was going to her own apt where she would make new friends. She excepted that and acclimated well.

If indeed your grandfather has “severe” dementia he absolutely should not live alone, drive, or have guns, even if he strongly objects. Your grandpa will move on to other issues eventually. See other posts on how to distract and console a LO with dementia in the moment, and be prepared to do this repeatedly.
Depending on where your grandpa lives and how the power of attorney documents are written, your father may still need additional documents to take over as POA. In Michigan, I still needed two physicians to sign that I needed to fully enact POA. The signatures had to be from a physician who’s documented the loved one’s decline over time, and/or a neuropsych doctor who’s documented the dementia with a detailed evaluation. The physician will also rule out other causes for “memory issues”
such as UTI as mentioned in other posts. I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I can say that keeping my dad with dementia in his home during Covid and then needing to place him in memory care when he developed paranoia, confabulations, and hallucinations was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Peace to you and your family.

Remove all weapons including all knives and guns from the house. Look everywhere. My mom was very protective of hers until she took two people hostage and ended up assaulting a cop. Your grandfather has gone beyond being safe. It's not a time to reason with him. It's not time to ask him what he wants. It's a time to get him evaluated and moved into a care home or getting him 24 hour care and meds to help if needed. Of course he feels defeated. His brain is broken and he knows something is wrong, but is unable to correct things in his world.

Take ALL the guns, even the one without ammo. My mom had ammo hidden all over the house and we did not know it. Just because he doesn't want to go to a care home doesn't mean you avoid it. You do what's best even if he refuses. If he is not taking his meds he is setting himself up for a faster decline. His wishes went out the door when he discharged a loaded weapon accidentally and refused to take his meds. Time to do what is best and safest for him. Take a few days and read over the posts in this forum. You will find yours is a common story and you cannot hope for the best while doing the minimum. He is not going to suddenly become the grandfather you always knew. Get him on a waitlist for an appointment so if something opens up sooner they can see him. Start calling care homes to see what their policies and wait list are and what insurance (if any) they accept.

Grand Pa Has dementia and shouldn't be left alone especially with guns .

He is focused on something he “loved”. It’s gone. My mother did the same thing with not being able to drive. It is hard for them because they know something is wrong yet can’t understand it It’s hard on us a caregivers because we are slowly watching them slowly die and we know it.

Apparently Grandpa still has a truck. And keys? He should not be driving. At the very least, have someone disable the truck so it can't be driven.

You talk about explaining or how to explain these things to Grandpa.
You can not explain to someone whose brain is not functioning properly.
You are right to remove things (like the guns!) for safety. I'm kind of wondering why the safe needed to be removed. It seems to be something that is important to him and provides him a great deal of comfort. If he is moving and hiding things around the house, could you install a few cameras in his home - preferably where he won't notice, as that could exacerbate his paranoid fears - so the family (or your grandpa) could look to see where he has put things?

You sound like a reasoning person. You are trying to apply logic and reasoning to a situation where those do not apply. Do not expect your grandfather to understand. He may have moments of lucidity, but he will soon forget that conversation. Losing his safe is very upsetting for him. That is the one thing he remembers and thinks about daily and is a part of his routine. I would find a way to get that back to him and find another way of dealing with stuff he has hidden.
And for God's sake - Don't let him have any weapons in the house!

Hey Ellagrace! You and your dad sound like incredibly loving and compassionate people who love and want to honor your grandpa. Unfortunately you are going to have to consider him to be very childlike now. Just as you couldn’t explain a situation like this to a preschooler, Grandpa would be able to understand and remember it either. You will need to realize you have to do things for his good and for his safety above his wants-just like a toddler/preschooler. His brain is broken and with it his reasoning ability and his memory of what you’ve already told him or what he said yesterday. Try your best to find compromises. Maybe leave the safe, but take out any weapons or truly valuable things like cash/jewelry, bank account info, etc. Leave what you can, that won’t be essential if he loses it. I would even leave him about $200 in smaller bills ($1, $5, $10’s) as that would make him feel like he still has plenty of $$ in there. You could make some redacted copies of other things that would reassure him. We put together a list and hard laminated it with questions they asked frequently. Where things were, that bills were getting paid, the car isn’t working, etc. We also put his monthly income and all expenses and that his son was paying the bills for him so he wouldn’t worry about them. We also listed all his favorite TV Shows and what channel they came on. We had a white board that we wrote down all the events coming up that week, and got them a clock that shows the day, date, time of day (morning, afternoon, etc) and day of the week and put it right next to the TV! 😅.
Good luck. You may need to have someone come in daily to give him meds if they are essential. Non essentials don’t sweat it.
Best wishes on this journey!

You absolutely must take the guns (all of them) out of the house! He could kill someone! If he drives, you must take the keys and vehicle away as well. You need to protect other people as well as your Grandpa. My Mom finally gave up driving when she realized that if she were to have an accident that hurt someone and was her fault, she could lose all the money she had saved all of her life. She was much younger and did not have dementia when she made the decision. Your Grandpa really needs to be in a facility, or have an in home caregiver come in to make sure he takes his meds and stays safe. An in home caregiver would not be an option if he tends to become aggressive. Like someone else mentioned, remove the weapons and leave the safe with some cash in it if the safe is a major part of his daily routine. You are not going to help anyone if you give him the safe and weapons back - you might actually be liable if you do so and someone gets hurt.
This is a difficult time, I understand. It is time to look for options for outside help.

He needs 24/7 supervision. He is a danger to himself and others.
He needs to be evaluated for dementia ASAP.
Get medical documentation that he is unable to care for himself (a legal definition so you can get authorization to make [legal] decisions on his behalf - which your dad would likely do.

I would also contact APS (Adult Protective Services) so they can evaluate the home situation, as well as perhaps call an attorney, to protect yourselves and know you are doing everything you can to protect your grandfather, the family and anyone around.

Remember - he can hide a gun anywhere. He could snap anytime. You will reduce the family stress immensely once you take more control of the situation. It is potential very volatile and others could get hurt, or worse.

He will be angry and perhaps lash out thinking he is 'okay' - this is very normal. He wants to maintain his independence as he perceives he still has it. He wants to be in control. You never argue with a person with these brain chemistry changes. You do what is necessary to keep them as calm as possible - no matter what you may need to say, then you do what you know you need to do - for his protection and safety (and for everyone else).

I rarely read a post here about guns - this is potentially very serious.
It is certainly understandable the entire family is stressed out.
I do wonder though why he is able to reside in his home by himself ... why a family member isn't in his home with him - even if temporary until more permanent arrangements will / may be made.

Gena / Touch Matters

Sorry to see your grandfathers condition. He requires 24/7 assistance with his dementia. Have someone distract your grandpa, then remove the guns without telling anyone. If he asks for them, give a dumb story that the guns are getting cleaned. Then quickly change your subject. If the protests continue, keep changing his subject.

ellagrace1: He requires residence in a managed care facility.

I must admit that I am disturbed by your question. Both of my parents developed dementia and needed extensive care, so I am intimately familiar with the challenges that family members must work through to meet the emotional wants of their loved ones and the care and safety that they need. Often what the loved one wants and what they need are opposites. As well, I am a professional in the senior care industry. What you have described above can legally be considered both abandonment and neglect, which are both considered forms of elder abuse.

I am especially disturbed by your response to AlvaDear: "We've been putting off talking about getting him 24/7 help in his home or not until something serious happens," Accidentally firing his gun is not considered a serious situation?!!! Does he have to injure himself, injure an innocent Girl Scout selling cookies or accidentally shoot your father for it to become a serious situation? With the situation you describe, your grandfather is a tragedy waiting to happen because he no longer has the mental capacity to take care of himself or handle any situations that may arise. He could easily burn his house down by forgetting about a pot on the stove (very common with dementia), he could easily overflow the tub and flood the house, he could easily drown in the tub when he takes a bath, he could easily trip and fall and injure himself and lay there waiting days for help (falls are the most common cause of accidental death for seniors), he could easily drive the truck into an innocent person. How about his day-to-day needs being adequately met, such as nutrition, a clean home free from germs and rodents, chemicals safely locked away (oh yes, people with dementia have been known to mistakenly drink cleaning chemicals), appropriate medication management, dressing appropriately for weather, etc. With his delusions and loss of cognition, your grandfather clearly is not safe to be alone and is in a very dangerous situation with a family who is not adequately looking out for his welfare. Frankly, APS should be called in. I can see how much you love your grandfather, so below are some resources for you that can help the situation immediately.

I recommend that you call your local Area Agency on Aging (every county has one) and your local Alzheimer's Association for information on your grandfather's disease. Both will be able to help you understand more about his disease, what to expect, and how to communicate with your grandfather. They will also give you considerable resources on how to find a place for your father to live, and a list of licensed residential communities and and home heath care providers. Another excellent resource are the YouTube videos published by Teepa Snow. She is recognized worldwide as an expert on dementia and how to care for people with dementia. All of these resources will give you tremendous hope and better control of your situation.

I also recommend that you try to move his doctor's appointment to ASAP and get a referral to a neurologist who specializes in dementia and get a CT scan of his head. The CT scan will help the doctor diagnose which form of dementia he has. The type of dementia he has will determine his treatment plan and give you a road map on how to deal with his form of dementia. The wrong diagnosis or a vague dementia diagnosis can lead to well-meaning, but inappropriate to disease, interactions that can lead to a loss of dignity, confusion, agitation, an increase in delusions, aggression, and numerous other situations that can impact your grandfather's quality of life. Knowing how to interact with your grandfather will also make life much easier for your family. This is most likely going to be one of the toughest times your family faces and nobody will ever say that it is easy. I recommend you put some memory books together that bring back the happy times with your grandfather. He will enjoy looking at these books and you'll have them to remember him by.

First, read your post out loud to yourself. If you were reading this about someone else, I think the answer would be clear to you.
This is an unsafe and dangerous situation. It's time to protect him (and others) from himself. Never, under any situation, should an unstable person have access to firearms. His life has changed. Both Grandpa and you must accept this loss. Stop stalling by trying to reason with him. He's lost that ability. It will drive you crazy repeating the same conversations and behavior everyday. I care for two family members with dementia. I know what it's like to have to make such difficult decisions. Please make the right choice now

Reading this post gave me chills.

Remove ALL the ammo and keep the safe and guns for him to enjoy

You're grieving your grandpa's loss of independence, but you shouldn't torture yourself with feeling bad about him not being able to die in his own home. That's not important compared to his and others safety.

Get rid of that last gun and the truck and don't even consider letting him have either back. He only has to threaten a delivery person/neighbour etc. with a firearm (even if it's unloaded) for your grandad to suddenly find himself in the sights of a policeman's gun. And the truck is potentially a lethal weapon when used by an incapacitated person.

Your grandfather can't live as he used to and the best you can do for him is to keep him safe - either with 24 hour carers (definitely not with a gun in the house!) or in a suitable facility. I would strongly advise you to not consider him living with family - he has a very strong personality and I don't think it would be easy or conducive to the well-being of a family carer.