My grandpa, mid to late 80s, has had a major decline in his memory the past few months. He lives alone, but we call every day and try to go over there once a week to help him. This mental decline has been causing my dad, my grandpa, and the rest of the family a ton of stress trying to deal with it. Because of this decline, he has started hiding things around his house due to paranoia and doesn’t remember where he puts them. He then calls my dad and accuses him or someone else of taking things. It was even to the point of aggression. Most of these items come from a safe that he had in his house, but he somehow thinks it’s not safe and takes all his valuables out and hides them. This isn’t a big problem, we can find stuff, however he also hides and messes around with his guns. He has been calling multiple times a dad either accusing my dad or asking my dad if he’s taken them. We tried to put things on the guns to track them, but my grandpa forgot what they were and took them off. He’s ended up completely loosing his sense of gun safety and ended up accidentally firing a gun in the house. This was a big scare and the only reasonable thing we thought to do was get rid of the safe and guns. We talked with my grandpa multiple times about moving the safe and he was all on board and sounded like he completely understood that we had to move it. Well, when we actually got around to moving it, he swears he didn’t agree and acts like we just took his entire life away. We hate seeing him like this and don’t know how to explain to him why we had to move it and that he agreed. Moving this safe, which was a part of his daily routine but it was just unsafe to have in his house anymore, has changed my grandpa. He walks around his house defeated, thinking my dad is taking everything away from him when he isn’t. I can tell it’s bothering my dad a ton, and I don’t blame him, I don’t know what I would do in this situation. Today was the first full day my grandpa didn’t have his safe, and it was like he couldn’t even get out of bed because of how defeated he is. We were going to wait at least a week until we decided to bring the safe back or not, but if he’s already like this we don’t know if we should. My dad is just trying to do our best to help my grandpa, and we’re trying our best to help the both of them. Just looking for advice on here, please!!! We desperately need it!!
I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be living alone.
Your grandpa either needs a live in caregiver. Or several caregivers that will take shifts.
the other options...a family member moves in with grandpa or grandpa moves in with a family member
OR
Place grandpa in Memory Care where he will be safe and cared for 24/7.
You can place cameras around his house.
but
One day grandpa may turn the water on and forget he left it on and will flood the house.
or
He will turn the stove on (hopefully it is electric and not gas) and forget about it.
or
He will walk out to get the mail and turn the wrong way not and not make it back home.
The job of a POA is to do for grandpa what he is no longer capable of doing for himself. To make those decisions grandpa no longer has the capacity to make. To take guns away. To place him in a safe environment where 24/7 care is available. Even if grandpa begs and cries to stay home, the POA realizes he cannot because it's too dangerous to do so. Emotions are put aside in favor of rational thinking. Allowing an elder with advanced dementia to have guns is not rational. Feeling so sorry for an elder who wants to avoid what's safe for him in favor of staying in a dangerous location is not rational. Medications are available for depression and anxiety to help grandpa cope with his losses. Your job is to go visit him and love him, thats all.
I was given POA for my parents and to make tough decisions when they were no longer able to. When they would've chosen unsafe conditions for themselves, I had to step in and be The Bad Guy. I took on that role willingly because I loved them. Yes, I felt sorry for their disease processes and moms dementia, but it was still my job to keep them safe. They may have disagreed with me and disliked me even, but that's okay. When each of them passed, I knew I did right by them, and I was satisfied with myself. That's the main goal at this juncture. To have no regrets about the "shoulda beens". Just Do It.
Best of luck to you.
So, dealing with a person with dementia involves constantly taking things away from them. It's heartbreaking for everyone. My mother is now staying in a bedroom in a memory care facility. She misses her house full of furniture and her billions of knick-knacks. That all had to be sold and donated. She couldn't stay in her house because dementia patients aren't safe living alone and our mom wandered down the highway twice. We couldn't afford to hire 24-hour in-home caregivers. It is more affordable to move a person to a dementia care facility. Many people sell the house and pool that money with any retirement and social security checks.
My advice would be for you and your family to read some of the other entries on this forum. It will help you decide how you want to take care of grandpa. My mother became belligerent and it was the most depressing time of my life living in her apartment with her, trying to keep her from walking out the door at all hours of the night. She did not sleep. She was wild and loud. She even banged on neighbors' doors. It was a scary mess. We are heading into the ninth year of her dementia. It's been exhausting. I am so thankful she is now in a safe, locked memory care place with people who work in 8 hour shifts, and I am at home with my husband, living a semi-normal life.
I still spend lots of time with her. Today I gave her a shower and wiped the poo off her toilet seat and explained for the hundredth time how to use Depends. That's the kind of thing your father will be in for if he takes your grandfather into his home and tries to care for him. A possible nine years of lifting, feeding, washing and wiping, covering all the chairs with incontinence pads, and occasionally getting cussed out for his efforts. I don't mean to scare you, I just hope your family rethinks promises. Situations change. Your grandfather's elders may have died a lot quicker than people do nowadays with all the life prolonging medications, so he might have thought he wouldn't be much trouble for very long.
Also, it is WAY harder emotionally to move a parent out of your house after you decide he needs more care than you can provide. It would be more straightforward to move grandpa from his house to assisted living or memory care.
If it's too late for your dad to change his mind, then maybe you can use this situation to start a new conversation: "Dad, I'm going to need you to plan to move into assisted living some day. It would be too much for me to feed and lift and clean you."
It's nearly impossible to make a person with dementia "happy". You can only make them safe. The dying years are hard for everyone and it's nobody's fault.
My heart goes out to you.
When MIL got Capgras, she went looking for HER gun to -- as told to her BFF -- "get rid of A [me]". According to her, she also needed it to remove the man living in her back room and the woman that kept showering in her bathroom fully clothed. Full on hallucinations. Much like the gun scenario, the home was owned by DH but she thought it was owned by her. The dementia/Capgras made her having any access to a weapon dangerous.
We made sure it and all ammo was "disappeared". DH actively prevented having someone or his house shot to pieces.
MIL never forgot about the gun and kept searching until she was moved into MC. We let her search and she died not knowing where it disappeared. No matter how tough it is emotionally to face, weapons and driving are two of the hardest issues to confront. Ignoring them is not an option. Fatal car crashes and shot up homes are not unheard of in the dementia world.
Get him moved into 24/7 care asap and don't fret about promising to keep him home. Sometimes it just isn't possible when things change for the worst. Stay strong...
FYI your Grandpa should be checked for a UTI, which can cause big cognitive changes in a short time.
Your Grandpa, if he doesn't have a UTI, should be taking meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. This will help with the paranoia. He senses something is wrong and is trying to explain why he can't locate his stuff. He can't come to grips that he's the one with the problem, so he accuses others since this is easier for his ego to take.
Do not give the guns or ammo back to him no matter what,
If your Dad is his PoA, then your Dad now needs to read the paperwork to see what activates the PoA authority. If Grandpa doesn't assign a PoA he risks becoming a ward of a court-assigned guardian. It happens all the time...
One of the wishes my grandpa has always said was he wasn’t going to a nursing home, so we’re trying our hardest to keep that wish true. But it’s getting to the point where we’re just as lost as he is on what to do.
He has medications he’s supposed to take, but he’ll either forget to take them or outright refuse to. He’s had many doctor appointments since the major decline, but they haven’t done anything. If they ask him if anything’s wrong, he’ll say no, even if my dad is right there saying yes. Praying this upcoming appointment can help him! Thank you so much for your help!!
Calling once a day and visiting once a week just isn't enough anymore. Your grandpa now needs to be placed in either as assisted living facility or memory care, where he will be looked after 24/7. Either that or he needs to pay for full-time in-home help with his own money.
Dementia only gets worse, never better, and yes depression often goes along with it, so perhaps whoever is your grandpa's POA needs to talk to his doctor about putting him on an anti-depressant along with something for his paranoia which is common with folks with dementia.
And most definitely DO NOT return any of your grandpa's guns to him. Eventually he will forget that he even had them.
I wish you and your family the very best in finding the right facility for your grandpa to be moved to.