How do we get our father to accept some help from in home care people? We currently split shifts to watch him but need some help.

My father with Alzheimer's was reluctant to have help as well. Sometimes you just can't reason with dementia. So...We hired an aide and introduced her as "a friend of mine who was a nurse." (One of those necessary little white lies we end up saying to help our loved ones.)
That first day she came in and sat in the living room with him and chatted, but when it was lunchtime she got up and fixed his lunch. She was very matter-of-fact about everything, just did things instead of asking. When he asked to use the bathroom the aide helped him out of his chair and walked into the bathroom with him. By the end of the day they were best buddies!
Dad seemed to accept her "authority" and was very accepting of her help with bathing, dressing, toileting, etc. On some level Iin his mind I suspect it was better to have a stranger do it than his wife and daughter.
Every day he asked if his friend was coming that day! She was at his bedside with our family when he passed away.

I am so sorry for your loss; was your mother your father's caregiver?
It sounds more to me as though he may eventually need permanent placement. Don't expect him to "agree" to this. He would much rather have you there to care for him. You will have to get together as a family and figure out the path forward. It has only been one month, so this is a day by day and step by step process. Your doing shifts will only enable him in believing that he can go on this way. You do not mention what deficits he has. If he has no dementia, no one acting as his POA, then honestly the decision is his, and your withdrawal will help him to come to conclusions more quickly. Wishing you the best.

Please don’t ask a GRANDDAUGHTER to help with his toileting. Don’t put her in that position. I am sure she would be highly uncomfortable with it. your dad may not even be comfortable with it!

Thanks CM,

Perfect explanation of how gender issues are handled. I understand all of those circumstances. My mom felt very safe with a male physical therapist.

Her movements are so shaky due to her Parkinson’s disease. She shuffles her feet. The therapist was wonderful in getting her to pick up her feet in ways that I never would have thought of.

Mom did feel more confident with him. He had her doing things I hadn’t seen my mom doing since I was a child. I was amazed. He actually got her to to toss and catch a ball! It was remarkable. She never ever took her hands off her walker, but she did for him.

She was too funny at times. As soon as he would leave she would say how handsome he was. I told her, “Mom, you’re going deaf but you surely can spot a handsome man!”

The same with the nurses. As soon as they checked the swelling in her legs and told her to put on her compression stockings she would listen to them. Then she wouldn’t argue with me about wearing them. On the weekends when home health wasn’t here she didn’t want to put them on no matter how nicely I asked her to. Having professional helpers was a blessing for me.

I love how persuasive your health care workers are with your clients without being harsh or disrespectful.

I had to learn the hard way not to push about everything. I did it out of frustration and it never worked. I wanted to do my best. I would lose patience if she continued to resist. It’s hard for the caregiver and the elderly. It really is.

It’s behind me now. I have faith in the hospice staff and now when we speak it’s not as stressful as before since I no longer have the responsibility of caregiving.

CM, let me take this opportunity to thank you for the work that you and the rest of your staff does. It’s a tough job. Not everyone is cut out for it. Those who are capable to care for others make the lives of others so much easier.

Dad needs to be told that he is no longer in a position to say no. You need to decide what you can do and do only that. If it falls short on what dad needs it is on him to figure it out. He will continue to turn down outside help as long as you pick up the slack. He truly does not care if it is too much for you. All he can see is that his needs are being met.

I am very sorry for your loss of your mom.

I don’t know if this will work. It is a solution that my mother in law used with her mom. Her mom was a very demanding woman to begin with and when her husband died the demands became greater.

Like you, my mother in law catered to her mom more after her father’s death. My mother in law was an only child so she did it alone.

I would pitch in to help when I could. My husband’s grandma was never grateful and expected more and more.

My mother in law said something to me one day that broke my heart. She said, “Thank you for helping. I do appreciate it. Don’t let her walk all over you. It’s too late for me. I have to do it but you don’t so tell her no when it gets to be too much.”

I responded to my mother in law by saying, “Okay, I won’t do anymore than I can do. You deserve a life too. So you should start saying no to her too.” She then said that she had to or her mom would make her life a living nightmare. She buckled under due to guilt.

So, she came up with her own solution. Whenever she needed a break she would tell her mom that she had a dentist appointment or a doctor appointment and amazingly her mom did not get mad about that. Before if she said she was going to have lunch with a friend she would rant and rave.

Maybe you could try that. Tell your dad about an important appointment and that you will make sure that he isn’t alone and will be cared for by a highly recommended caregiver. Of course your siblings will have to have an appointment at the same time too. It’s worth a shot.

Best wishes to you and your family.

My father in law got very angry when we told him he would have to move nearer to us after his wife died of cancer treatment. He was legally blind. His sons were paralyzed by his show of hostility and resistance, but I wasn’t. Children often listen to parental acting out as though the frail elderly parent is still in charge of their lives and yours. As a daughter in law, YOU tell him what is going to happen and then count on professional caregivers to make it happen. Though it is early days and your father in law probably wants to be alone to grieve in his own way, if he has to have help to continue living alone, then it’s time to get tough. He will get used to the new routine after a while unless you continue to plead with him
or dance to his tune. Some men will bully their children and try to get their own way as long as you let them. Women too. My guess it that your father has been intimidating his way through life long before this because the people around him won’t fight back. This was my father in law’s pattern long before his wife died. It never stopped and his sons continued to be intimidated by him. When it was time to tell him what he HAD to do, I stepped in and handled it. He didn’t like it but he did what I said.

Hostile, non-compliant men often respond to people they perceive to be stronger than them or who outrank them in some way. If that isn’t you, figure out who that person is and ask them to help.

Sorry about losing your mother. We lost my little brother right after my dad had his stroke (my brother was helping us care for our dad). Then the dementia showed up in my dad. So I know that what your going through is hard. 

When me and my siblings were completely worn out after switching shifts daily for years, I had to hire help. My dad lived with me and it was overwhelming. I introduced 'the help' as a friend of mine who wanted to meet him. I hung in the room while my "friend" asked my dad questions about his life and it seemed like we were all just hanging out. Then I left the room for a little while (which I couldnt do before). My dad seemed to enjoy the new company. This was a surprise since very little made him happy at this time and I was extremely nervous about hiring somone. I had her come just a few hours the first visit. Next time she came I said I had to run an errand and left for a little while. He pretty quickly eased into seeing her and letting her help out. His dimentia was already pretty bad at that time, but as it got worse it was easier for him to accept help, but alot harder to find good help. On another note, if you find a caregiver that you do not think is doing well dont stay just because you figure this is the way they are. I did that and caused my dad and myself additional trouble. When I finally looked further, I found a much more caring agency with extremely understanding caregivers and they were very agreeable to only sending one specific person (not multiple switching out). I nevertheless needed extra help so I got a different caregiver on weekends.
So I just want you to know that there is some hope and help out there.
I hope this helps you.

I am really sorry for your loss. That must be really hard for all of you. Another idea but I don't know if it will work for you. I live upstairs and my mum downstairs. I am working 3 days per week at home but the 2 days I have to go to the office I asked my neighbor's daughter to come and iron our clothes and to clean my mum's part of the house. Actually I do need help with the cleaning not really with the ironing... But my mother knows I hate it and I am not good at it. So she doesn't complain. She has known this lady all her life and when she comes they would have coffee together and speak. Maybe you could find some kind of excuse saying it is actually to help you not him.

Sorry for the loss of your mom/his wife. Hard enough to deal with one or the other (loss/care) but to have to do both is difficult even in the best of times, and it hasn't been long, so you're still in the worst of times. He may need more time to adjust to the loss.

It isn't always men who reject the help. I tried to help keep my mother in her condo longer by bringing in aides. I was working full time with a long commute and lived about 1.5 hrs from her, so I couldn't check in or help all the time. She didn't need really any help at that time, but was Dxed with early stage dementia, so the plan was to get her used to having someone around and ramp up the hours as needed.

I had them start with 3x/week, 1 hr/day. Things seemed to go well (no real "help", it was more a check on her and make sure she took her meds from a locked/timed dispenser. Sometimes she would forget, or wouldn't hear/see it - it had and alarm and also a blinking light) They could look and if she hadn't taken it, they would remind her, but could not give it to her. At this point, I didn't care what they did for the rest of the hour - sit and chat, sweep the floor, whatever. Since it seemed to be good, I moved it up to 5x/week, still only 1 hour. They didn't last 2 months - she refused to let them in.

When she moved to MC, she didn't really need the "personal" help, just a safe place with good regular meals. The personal needs have gradually built up, and she didn't seem to mind when male staff took her to the bathroom. She pretty much needs help with everything now - tries to feed herself, but a recent stroke affected her right side and she's right-handed,

My suggestion would be to start slow and bring the person in when you are there, but don't have them do any "hands on" at first. Don't introduce them as hired help, just a friend helping you out/visiting. You could tell him you two have plans to do *something* together when you're done here, so s/he has come along to keep up company and/or help me so we can get out on time. Perhaps they can engage in some idle chit chat, bring in beverages and a snack (you provide, they just bring it from kitchen), "bring" him a favorite book or magazine (have on hand), and discuss the book or articles in the magazine.

Let them know ahead of time what his interests are or were, so they can chat about things he likes. It might take him off guard and he'll be more comfortable with them there. Next time, excuse yourself and go outside for 15 min or more, to see what happens. If they can develop a bond with him, while you busy yourself in another room or outside, it could get him more used to having this person there and perhaps feel more comfortable with them. Make your trips outside a little longer each time. If/when he is more accepting of having them there, try to time your "excuse" to coincide with the need to go to the bathroom - perhaps he might be willing to ask this new "friend" for some help? Increase the number of days/hours AFTER he gets used to them being there.