How do we deal with sister who creates havoc in caring for mom?

Does your mom have a living will and trust? This may not sound necessary, but it gives you the right to make health care choices on your mom's behalf if she can't do so herself, and it also designates who she wants making decisions for her when she isn't of sound mind to do so.

Ignore her. You’ve got too much going on.

Ask her if she'd like to drive?

We had a family mtg a few years ago to see how we could get YB to simply send out one short email a week to the rest of us sibs and let us know how mother was doing.

He BLEW UP. I mean, screaming at all of us---and this was meant to be a very low key, non confrontational talk. Just the 5 of us discussing what could be done to lift HIS burden and knowing how mom was doing. I think he felt attacked, although each of us told him how much we appreciated his work and support--(none of us wanted mom to live with us, we all voted for a ALF and he didn't agree and talked her into moving in with them.) 23 years now, and I bet she lives another 8-10 years. (She's 91, currently, and although she's beginning to fall regularly, she never really hurts herself).

He's exhausted, frustrated and depressed. After this debacle of a family mtg., we have not spoken as a family group at all. If he insists on being the sole CG and wants to complain about it endlessly, in spite of the offers of help from all sides--we just let him.

He won't share ANY information with the rest of us, but boy, does he get mad b/c nobody seems to show up to help. Well--we don't KNOW about needs. We can't just guess at what he/she may need. But that's what we have to do.

An email every week or every other week---would take 2 minutes. He refuses to do it and then gets angry b/c someone show up to visit and mom non-stop complains about what's going on. Doesn't make it so anybody wants to visit her.

If your mother  always protected her and takes up for her, then that might be why she is the way she is. It must be difficult to put up with her and take care of your mother.

Send her a short report then do not respond to her questions/suggestions. When asked why you do not respond…tell her you are so busy helping take care of mom that you have little time left over.. Seriously you do not owe her anything. She can show up, help, chat with mom and learn how mom is. Set some boundaries between the two of you…perhaps a counselor could help you..Mine helped me.

I suggest that you give her regular updates - like monthly - via a letter that will address any changes to your mom's health (stick to only the top concerns) and outline what her doctors have told the family to do. Let her know that all the caregivers are working together. Ask for her to give her "wonderful advice" via letter so you can share it with the other caregivers. As a group, you can decide if any suggestions are worth trying - or discarding. Always thank her for her insight and concern - she is a trying personality and also trying to be helpful.

PaulaAnn: Imho, do not engage in the acrimony that this sister is attempting to serve. You possess ZERO physical or emotional time for it.

First of all, if this sister is "explosive", I would not tolerate such behavior. I would explain to her that you have boundaries and they are NOT to be crossed.....distance yourself as much as you possibly can from her. Never get too involved with explosive personalities unless you like walking on egg shells. Do not write long letters or explanations. Your sister could periodically call and inquire and you will keep her informed at once if something big changes. Tell her you are following all orders from the medical people and she is doing well (even if she is not). If she tells you what to do, listen and tell her you will keep that in mind and thank her. Be polite but pleasant. If she goes off on you, then excuse yourself and hang up.

Accept some of the responsibility for overwhelming yourself where sister is concerned. You sent lengthy replies. Stop being detailed. If she tells you a better way to bathe mom - short and to the point - tried, didn't work, trying something else. A suggestion about a meal - say thanks (do it or don't). Review your past letters to her - are you no-noing every single suggestion she has because you might be a little miffed about the non-participation?

There's no harm in giving sis updates, but just be briefer with her - mom had dr appt on xx day and he added med for her bp. Mom had bad week, pretty much stayed in bed all day - just doesn't feel good. She can reply and you can choose to answer that or not. Just keep communication coming from your end to her.

Don't address long letters and don't even give updates if your mom is still able to talk as she can call your mom once a week and ask her to see how she is.
As far as her suggestions, let her know that they will be considered if not already

My brother was never involved in helping out but was always criticizing everything I did.

Finally I told him to get his lazy @ss down here and start helping out or shut up. If he did not like either of those options I would get social services involved and get a restraining order against him. He would not like that as he was a free loader. He shut up.

Just inform your sister if she is so concerned then get her lazy @ss down and contribute or shut up. Then hang up. You have to be point blunt with low life's like this because that is the only way they will listen

Further more she is forbidden from any more family events until she behaves in a mature manner and apologizes for her childish behavior. It is not tolerated anymore. That includes her temper tantrums and foul language.

You must be strong with them or else the abuse will continue.

I know from a lot of experience, both mine and others I know that are in the same situation.

Best defense is a good offense....
Send her a text, as things are done.."changed Mom's med from _ to -"
" sponge bath today, clean clothes"
"Can you bring Mom dinner next, Tuesday?"
Maybe this will help her feel involved and not have so many suggestions .
Best wishes.

I would mind kindly tell her not to worry about anything. Just know mom is taken very care of very well. All you need to be concerned about is visiting, giving hugs and kisses snd either donate monetary or ur time. All 3 of u schedule a meeting together. If she’s a no show wait till she comes over and tell her nicely😗.

Maybe instead of elaborate answers to your sister's suggestions, you can simply thank her for her ideas whether you use them or not. You don't need to explain the reasons why you cannot use each idea. She might be less disruptive if she at least felt she was being heard. She is never going to be one of your mother's hands-on helpers, so just take her verbal input at face value, close the conversation and carry on.

Please don't be cruel. But you need to set your boundaries so that you can function without feeling upset and overwhelmed. My mother is 98 and needs extensive 24/7 care. Her facility calls me if there is a change or an incident. Maybe you can set up something like that with your sister. "No news" means nothing has changed, and you'll let her know if something changes. Reach out to a local social worker and senior networks so that you learn what your mother's options are, and your options as a caregiver. Try to get some help for yourself so that you don't feel exhausted, would it help if an aide came in a few hours a day to give you a break? Is this possible?

You don't need to be 'cruel', you just need to be direct. It sounds like older sister is opinionated and seems to think offering 'suggestions' is her contribution; I would find a calm way to tell her 'I don't need advice but Mom would love to see you when you have time.' And don't let older sis anywhere near your private areas (desk, etc.) Older sis may feel a bit guilty, even 'unconsciously', and needs to insert herself some way, a sort of 'control' issue. Don't offer long detailed updates, keep it simple is always best. If older sis wants more info tell her she can come see for herself!

I stopped doing updates. I'm the youngest of six siblings and get no help from four of them. If they care so much, they can make an effort to be in touch, visit, help out, etc., otherwise they get nothing from me. Three of my sibs have not seen mom in more than 4 years--no visits, no calls, nothing except an occasional bouquet of flowers on holidays.

My older sister used to help with mom's care until her husband started having health issues, so she can no longer help as often as she would like to (she still manages to come by once or twice a week and keeps in touch daily), so I hired a caregiver. The other sibling (my other sister) comes to visit periodically (once every couple of months) and turns all of our worlds upside down. This sister also demands updates, goes through my desk when she thinks no one is looking, and basically just creates chaos when she comes to visit.

Mom has lived with me for 13 years and has vascular dementia; I've learned to "adjust my sails" and address issues as they arise. I've learned by trial and error what works and what doesn't, and have communicated that to my sister, which she ignores. Subsequently it takes us 3-5 days to get my mom back on track and settled down.

Honestly, I just don't have the time and/or energy to deal with her ridiculousness. I let her know when something big happens, but otherwise keep my responses to her inquiries about mom to "she's doing okay." The others get no information whatsoever. The phone/email/snail mail/roads go both ways--if they want to know, they can reach out and I'll happily give them an update. Otherwise...nope.

My gosh! You are complaining about your sisters behavior issues with cussing etc, then in next breath, you want her to help you and your sisters with mom?
Sounds like to me you are inviting trouble???
You're not understanding that not everyone has the ability to be a caregiver.
I'm not in any way trying to stick up for sister, I'm just trying to see both sides of the coin. You and your other sisters very well could have things covered in such a way that spoiled sister hasn't much to do? That's why she'd like updates?
What's wrong with suggestions? You could discover a trick that would or could make things run a bit easier for you. You don't have to give sister a detailed message everyday, but it's obvious sister is interested enough to want to know what is going on with mom. Sounds like your sister has a lot on her plate with her own life. Just because you have the capacity to do all you do, doesn't mean she does. It's your day so filled that you aren't able or willing to sit down for 5 minutes once or twice a week and send her an update on mom? You don't need to tell her every little thing. Just say mom asks to see you. Perhaps give mom a call, mom i is getting more fragile, mom seemed depressed today but snapped out of it when sister brought her flowers from her garden, etc.
Sounds like you should be grateful that sister doesn't help, because with her issues around mom, you might end up having more problems than it's worth. Then you'd be wishing sister would go away and you'd be happy to send her an email every so often. Don't expect her to be someone she's not. Be open to suggestions. That might be all she can contribute. At least she is trying to be involved in some ways. If the 3 of you girls need more hero, it's time to call a paid caregiver or put mom in a facility. Good luck to you all!

I had the same problem with my sisters.
The way I dealt with all the questions and suggestions was

"The doctors/nurses say mom is doing as well as expected."

The suggestions were dealt with
" I'll pass that on to the doctors/nurses".
That was it. No long involved explanations.

I have been there in a different way with one of my brothers. He wasn't demanding but would give input from a hands off aspect, didn't acknowledge the hours, time and money my husband and I spent there, and would also deny that my mother was as bad as I reported. I was constantly trying to fill him in via email, and he never validated anything I reported and often made cold and judgmental replies or none at all. I realized that I was unconsciously feeling intimidated to gain his approval. I never did.
What I'm saying is stop writing emails. Your sister has her own issues and is obviously used to getting her way through bullying tactics. You will never change her perspective but you do have a couple of options, pick from the menu below.
1 .Let your other siblings write the updates
2. Tell you sister she needs to start helping out or there will be no more updates.
3. Never give detailed emails. Keep it short and vague. Mom's doing great. Mom saw the doctor and he increased her meds. Mom mentioned she misses you.
4. Don't ever respond to a nasty email from her.
5. Ask her for specific help. "Can you please visit Mom next Thursday?" I have appointments and errands and she shouldn't be alone". "Can you start contributing to taking Mom to her appointments"? Be direct, Don't be intimidated or bullied. Leave emotions out of every conversation.
6. Give up the idea of ever pleasing her, and stop trying to.
7. In the final analysis, you know that you are going the distance with and for your Mom, and that will be a comfort to you all the days of your life. Focus on that, and eliminate the emotional charge of dealing so often with your sister and her mental issues.
I truly wish you peace on your journey of care taking.

I wonder what Sister's motivation is?

Wanting *status updates*, wanting to *be involved* or *run the show*?

This may be handy to clarify - to minimise tensions & set realistic boundaries.

Some in my clan are anxious, some hare control tendencies, some are Anxious++ which leads them to be Controlling++!

Does this sound like your Sister at all?

I would give a very vague positive update.

Nothing new to report this week. Love ya

She doesn't need a play by play commentary on what's going on and if she does, well, I might give her too much information.

Mom has had 3 BMs today, approximately 10grams, 40 grams and 25 grams. So happy she made it to the commode because they were very stinky. Peed 15 times, used 6 depends that weighed a total of 35 oz each. Picked her nose, wiped her own butt. Burped after drinking water, dribbled OJ on her PJ's, hugged sissie and myself, scratched the cat and so on.

Honestly, unless someone is part of the care team they just need to be notified of a crisis or hospitalization. The day to day doesn't need to be shared.

Some people simply 'Can't' when it comes to CG on a regular basis.

My OS is an all-business type person. She does not waste emotions on much of anything. If mother has an issue of some kind, she does want to know, but it would be rare for her to step in physically and help. She'd be more likely to throw money at the problem, and that's often all it needs.

My YB has mom at his place. They have the weirdest co-dependent relationship I've ever seen. He will not allow her to do much. He also kind of ignores her basic needs. He won't allow any of us sibs to do anything, and sometimes mother will ask me, specifically to do a task and sometimes if I do and YB is in a bad mood, I get chewed out for it. Usually b/c he has dropped the ball and feels guilty.

Some people are simply better at the hands on stuff, some do the organizing better and some are best left to be 'visitors'.

Keep sis in the loop and if she wants more info, give it to her. I know my sis only wants to know if mother has fallen again, or needs something only she can do. Otherwise, it's pretty much radio silence.

You don't need to protect your mom from absentee family. It drives me crazy to hear how 'busy' all my uninvolved sibs are---we're ALL busy, but it's pointless to tell me that YS or YB can't do whatever b/c they are so much busier than I am.

I thankfully haven’t dealt with this within the family but my dad had a friend with borderline personality disorder with behaviors similar to your sister, who I found very stressful to interact with even for short periods of time or on the phone.

She passed away quite suddenly a few years ago but before she did I had meant to read Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason. It looks interesting and has good reviews on Amazon.

I have a similar sibling and I think above advice is all good. Short, sweet and to the point emails. She wants more details? She can come visit Mom or call her! (I tell my sibling to call our father every time she's "suddenly interested" in what's going on with him)

Sure, she may have issues and she wants to help, but can’t get past them. But that’s her deal, not yours, right? You’re running yourself ragged trying to juggle this. Your updates should adhere to what works for you. Your time has value. Why not tell her that your family activities are picking up again, and it’s easier for you to touch base with her X (1 ?) times a week in the format of your choosing. Maybe a 2-5 minute phone call each week at a time you’re up for it? Schedule phone calls so that they’re before something you need to do, so you can get off the call. As others have suggested, this doesn’t need to be a time consuming back and forth. Condense your written updates so that there’s less opportunity for armchair quarterbacking. You don’t have to answer every phone call from her right away, either. Or share doing the updates among all 3 sisters. If that fails, invite her over for something that’s time limited—maybe she could visit and drop off lunch or a treat for mom, & invite her to stay if she wants to. Then she gets limited eyes on time. My brother loves my mom, but he can only take very small doses of her, so he does the taxes- a huge load off me. So he’s helpful, but not present. Maybe there’s something like that she could help with? It could take some of the load off of you & your sisters too.

Give her quick, factual updates and don’t reply to her questioning or suggestions. You don’t owe her more than that and shouldn’t subject yourself to being bullied

Your sister's 'unaddressed mental health or personality disorder' is not your problem. You do not have to take abuse from her nor do you have to humor her because she might be crazy.
If she does nothing to help with her elderly mother's care, then she's not owed an explanation. Your other sisters are because the lot of you are working as a care team for your mom, so you all have to communicate with each other. If your older sister wants to be kept in the loop like your sisters, then she can start taking on some of the caregiving responsibilities.
If she wants to be apprised on your mother and what's going on, send her an email once a week. Have your sisters do the same.
If she's not going to be any part of the caregiving, none of you owe her a Q & A session whenever she demands one.
You and your sisters send her a group email and tell her very plainly that none of you will be bothered with her nonsense and demands because you're all busy enough doing all the caregiving for your mother with no help from her. Tell her she can put her "suggestions" where the sun don't shine unless she's willing to come and do them herself for your mother.
I'm sure she'll stop being so demanding if it means she may have to step up and start helping out.

You're probably right that your sister has some undiagnosed issue. It's probably better for everyone that she not be doing caregiving. Be thankful you don't have to deal with her poor behavior on a regular basis.

She might be trying to be helpful when giving advice on how to deal with things. I'd take it as her way to contribute. She might have some good advice even though you don't have time to respond to everything.

You could just give her a quick, positive, vague response. Thanks for your input. Lots of great ideas there. Have a good day!