Our mom is 90 and lives alone. She has 4 daughters, the oldest is barely involved. Three of us are caring for mom but the oldest sister has very little to do with mom and does nothing for her care. But she wants us to keep her updated on everything which I wouldn't even mind but each update has her making recommendations and suggesting things to do. She has no idea what is going on or what state our mom is in on any given week. So I end up writing lengthy replies to address all her questions or tell her it's already being done. How do we deal with this? Btw this sister has an explosive personality and often leaves cussing and storming out from holiday events and other major events. I believe she has some kind of unaddressed mental health or personality disorder. I am exhausted from caring for mom, working part time (this same sister was off for a year during the pandemic while all 3 of us were still working and she did nothing to help. She has no children), trying to see my 6 grandkids and volunteering with my church and community and she is making my life even more overwhelming. What is the proper way to deal with this...I don't want to be cruel especially for my mom's sake who has always protected her and takes up for her.... also annoying.
Thank you for your insights from outside:)
Paula
Nothing new to report this week. Love ya
She doesn't need a play by play commentary on what's going on and if she does, well, I might give her too much information.
Mom has had 3 BMs today, approximately 10grams, 40 grams and 25 grams. So happy she made it to the commode because they were very stinky. Peed 15 times, used 6 depends that weighed a total of 35 oz each. Picked her nose, wiped her own butt. Burped after drinking water, dribbled OJ on her PJ's, hugged sissie and myself, scratched the cat and so on.
Honestly, unless someone is part of the care team they just need to be notified of a crisis or hospitalization. The day to day doesn't need to be shared.
The way I dealt with all the questions and suggestions was
"The doctors/nurses say mom is doing as well as expected."
The suggestions were dealt with
" I'll pass that on to the doctors/nurses".
That was it. No long involved explanations.
When I finally learnt this trick - whoa! What a different. I use 'doing well' or similar as a bland *Headline* 😊 No need to drill down into the story details. It takes practice (especially for a talker like me) but SO worth it.
It removes you from the drama the asker is stirring up.
She might be trying to be helpful when giving advice on how to deal with things. I'd take it as her way to contribute. She might have some good advice even though you don't have time to respond to everything.
You could just give her a quick, positive, vague response. Thanks for your input. Lots of great ideas there. Have a good day!
What I'm saying is stop writing emails. Your sister has her own issues and is obviously used to getting her way through bullying tactics. You will never change her perspective but you do have a couple of options, pick from the menu below.
1 .Let your other siblings write the updates
2. Tell you sister she needs to start helping out or there will be no more updates.
3. Never give detailed emails. Keep it short and vague. Mom's doing great. Mom saw the doctor and he increased her meds. Mom mentioned she misses you.
4. Don't ever respond to a nasty email from her.
5. Ask her for specific help. "Can you please visit Mom next Thursday?" I have appointments and errands and she shouldn't be alone". "Can you start contributing to taking Mom to her appointments"? Be direct, Don't be intimidated or bullied. Leave emotions out of every conversation.
6. Give up the idea of ever pleasing her, and stop trying to.
7. In the final analysis, you know that you are going the distance with and for your Mom, and that will be a comfort to you all the days of your life. Focus on that, and eliminate the emotional charge of dealing so often with your sister and her mental issues.
I truly wish you peace on your journey of care taking.
That’s very frustrating. I suspect she cares, wants to be involved, but knows herself enough to know that she can’t handle any of the “caring for” herself.
Right now I’m looking after my father (in hospital after having suffered a stroke) and my mother who is pretty helpless. My brother lives halfway across the world, so is of little help but likes to stay informed.
I email weekly updates on Dad’s current progress and sometimes include photos. He usually ends up emailing me info that I already know (which I in turn ignore) and I rarely respond to his messages. I let him know in my emails how busy I am, and apologize in advance if I can’t respond to any questions (you might throw in here how if she really needs to know something, you’re sure Mom would love a phone call from her).
I don’t know if it’s just my personality, but I apologize and apologize, and ignore and ignore and go on my merry way. Like you I am BUSY (I also have a MIL with dementia at home as well as 2 kids under 8) so I can’t be everybody’s everything without a lot of sacrifice. I just keep saying, “I’m sorry if I don’t get back to you right away! Life is so crazy busy right now, but I’m doing my best!!!” That usually shuts people up.
Deep breath, and don’t waste your breath getting into it with her. It’s honestly not worth the headache.
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