How do single people manage the caregiver role? I feel overwhelmed and angry.

You're not alone MsElaine. I've been single 7.5 years and caregiving for parents during that time. It is rather scary because there is no one else but me. My father died five years ago. My mother has dementia and diabetes, along with other ailments. I do the best I can just to keep my sanity because I live with her. I have to escape to my room often during the day or I would go nuts. I avoid medications. My mother has taken sedatives since I was a young child. I don't want to go that same route. I try to find other ways of self soothing. Exercise and talking to people are the two things that work best for me.

Thank you for your response. I'm trying. It just sucks sometimes and my heart hurts for her as well.

Try the antidepressant, if it does not help get back in contact with the doctor. Then another will be tried. It is very difficult to care for a parent. I used to make a point of going for a walk twice a day. When mom was mobile sometimes she would go with me. She enjoyed it too. I also cared for my stepdad so he was there with her while I went for a walk with the dog.

oh how I can relate! I am a widow raising 11 yr old twins along with my 85 yr old mother. My sister does nothing but visit here and there whenever the whim strikes her. I have traveled to her home 45 minutes, twice a day for approx 3 months. When I "had to" make an appt for my primary dr, it was because I noticed my BP was higher. She doubled the dose of my BP meds, put me on Welbutrin (an antidepressant) along with xanax as needed. It has definitely helped me. Try what they are asking you to do with meds. Things with meds is that they can be 'tweaked' so that you do feel better. Make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost...if it were not for my 30 yr old son who lives with me, I would be lost. He helps with my twins while I take care of mom. Sending much love and keeping you in prayer.

You said you were a newbie to caregiving, so I looked up the definition of caregiving for you and provided: a family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person. I am the opinion that a family member taking care of parent is always better and cheaper because you know your mother better than most. Therefore you have a better chance of understanding her needs. But it is a good choice to take the approach of getting others involved: doctors, nurses, others that lower the anxiety anyway, i.e. medical experts or other caregiving experts that have experience in helping your mother or yourself. It is a team effort, but you have to take care of yourself also. So, it requires finding the right balance that will work for both your mother and yourself. Good luck!

MsElaine, I know that feeling about not wanting to take meds for myself. I could have kicked myself for not trying them years ago. The meds I am on now, it gives me the "whatever" feeling, thus ignoring high drama situations.

As others have mentioned, it will take time to tweak what is the most helpful dosage. Some were too strong, thus cutting a pill in half was the winner. I tried several different meds to see which would work. Now a days the doctors can do a DNA that will tell the doctor what meds would work best and what to avoid for your system.

I use to remember people telling me to take care of myself... right, in what universe... I knew they meant well, right now I am 3 years behind on my own medical care because my late parents were into and out of so many doctor offices that I thought I would scream if I saw one more waiting room :P

I see from your profile you are near my neck of the woods. You're in an area with wonderful doctors, and a lot of Assisted Living/Memory Care facilities, thus a lot of choices for when that time comes. Plus really good nursing homes.

Its a shame children have to medicate themselves to care for a parent. WE CAN'T DO IT ALL! Mom is only going to get worse. What r her finances. Does she own her home? Maybe its time for an AL close to you. Selling her home, if she owns one, would help cover the cost. Takes a lot off ur shoulders. Hope you have a POA for financial and medical. Now is the time to search ur options.

LOL. I was thinking the same thing. Our parents are driving us to drugs! There is something a little sad about that. Very good advice, JoAnn.

When I graduated, in the late 60's, the age of dying was in the 70's. I don't really think our parents realized they could live longer. And that when/if they did that their health may not be all that good. I don't like where the commercials tell seniors to get a reversed mortgage. You can live in your house by hiring caregivers. Most of our parents can't afford in home care. It's not fair that some feel the children should be held responsible for this care. Most of us are Seniors too. How much more of our lives will be able to enjoy it. I bet our parents enjoyed their retirements. I find that if you had no health problems up to 80 you will after 80. So this means your children are in their 60s or younger. In this country, you need two paychecks to just pay bills. If you are single, it's worse than that.

If your feelings are affecting your ability to care for your mother, then consider taking the medications. Otherwise, try to find a different outlet such as exercising or getting relief once or twice a week so you can get away for a while. Sometimes I close my mother's bedroom door, then go to my bedroom and close my door and turn up the radio and just lay on my bed - and cry. A good cry every now and then is actually good for the soul. You need to release those stressful, angry thoughts so they don't eat you alive.

I'm an only child (no other relatives in the country) caring for my mother. Her care hasn't worn me out but I'm terrified every day because I'm all she has. I like to ride my bike for grocery shopping because the exercise is good my mind and body. (My mother is bedridden, cognitively declined from vascular dementia so I don't have to worry about her being a fall risk when I have to run errands.) However, I'm scared I may get hit by a car - then who will be there for my mother? Next year, I'm supposed to have a few surgeries which require overnight stay in the hospital. My relief caregiver will stay with my mother but I worry I may suffer complications during the surgeries so I have to stay longer in the hospital. It's very scary not having immediate family for a support system.

My advice: Don't prolong your mother's life just for the sake of her existing. Whenever it gets to the point your mother no longer has quality of life, then consider comfort care. This is where I'm at with my mother. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just being practical. Being single and/or an only child is very difficult as the sole caregiver. I'm not angry but I'm saddened that I've missed out a good chunk of my life while solo caregiving both parents. I'm a better person as a result of my caregiving but it's been a huge sacrifice personally, professionally, financially, physically, and emotionally. I don't even talk to my friends anymore because they pass judgment, stick their noses in the air, because they would never do what I'm doing. All my mother does is watch television. That's it. She's low-functioning and it's just so hard for me to see her like this.

careisgiving, you are right about worrying what if something happens to you. I remember a couple years ago I fell in my office parking lot and broke my upper arm... oh great my right arm which was my primary arm. After being bedridden for two weeks to heal, I couldn't move my arm out of sling position. My meal skills was that of a 3 year old, my writing that of a 5 year old... I was lucky to get dressed in 20 minutes.

Of course, during those two weeks of bed rest, my Dad called me, he wanted to know if I could drive him to the barber shop. SAY WHAT??? Well my elderly parents felt it first hand when I couldn't drive for many months, I couldn't even turn the key on much less shift gears. I was going to rehab for 3 months. So I cancelled all my parents appointments because they wouldn't call a cab. My sig other drove me to work, and rehab was right across the hall :)

JoAnn, my parents said they didn't expect to live into their mid-to-late 90's. Well, after climbing through my parent's family tree, I wonder what gave them THAT idea. My Mom had an older sister who lived to be 99. And my Dad came from stock that even back into the 1800's some lived into their 90's. Heavens, his own Mom lived by herself until she had a stroke at 91.

I'm so bad. I have thought about what would happen to my mother if I should be killed in a wreck. The only thing I could come up with is, "Not my problem. I'll be dead."

I do know things can happen. Each time I leave the house for the afternoon I set out her medicine bottles for the evening. That way if I don't return she'll have everything she needs until someone can come in to take over. I realize that I am dispensable if something happens and that someone else can take my place. It could actually be better for her, since it may mean that she would have to move to a facility.

Jessebelle,
There will be an answer for you that does not involve you dying in a car wreck. I can hardly wait to see you get the life you deserve after caregiving. You are going to just love it! Bunny will too!

Hi, All I can tell you is that it is hard. I am not single but my husband does not always understand that I am the only one here for my mom. She has dementia and type 1 diabetes. Last year she was first officially diagnosed with dementia. It seemed to just be short term memory loss, but now has grown worse. Her last occupational therapist told me her problem solving skills were close to a four year old. She can do the tasks but can not put the steps together on her own, she has to be directed.

She refuses to speak to some people, mostly doctors and nurses, which makes it difficult for them to help her. She does live in a memory care facility. Truthfully her dementia has not been the biggest problem, it is her diabetes as she does seem to not understand the importance of eating properly anymore. Which honestly is the dementia.

So what does this mean? You are not alone, see if your mom's insurance / medicare will provide in home care even if it is just a few hours a week. You will feel angry and overwhelmed. This is OK and normal, try your doctor's advice if the medication still does not feel right, work with your doctor to find something that does. Trust me the anxiety and panic attacks are not fun.

This best advice I can give is vent, do it here or reach out to a friend. You will be surprised that some one in your life will have gone or is going through the same thing you are. I found two friends who really where just acquaintances that I opened up to and discovered some amazing support. I am just realizing myself that this is going to be a long ride, force yourself to help and take care of you.

I know how you feel! I cared for my Dad who had Parkinson's, my mother-in-law till she passed away from Alzheimer's and I now care for my mom with Dementia. They are awful diseases that affect each person a little differently. I learned so many things along the way that I wish I had known at the beginning. Because of that, I wrote a book titled "Caregiving: How To Hold On While Letting Go", it's on Amazon.
In it you will find symptoms, stages, solutions that work, and suggestions to try. It has lists, laughter, life experiences and lessons learned, (sometimes the hard way!) My husband and I created several things to make life safer and easier that you won't find anywhere else, but you can easily duplicate at home.
Help is available, sometimes free, but you have to know where to look. My book helps with that as well as bringing hope, encouragement and some much-needed laughter.
Try to laugh at all the crazy things that will happen, like finding socks in your disposal or dentures in your ice-maker. :)
God bless you!!
Debbie

It's good that you recognize that caring for your mother is not working and taking its toll on you. Now that you realize what's going on, you can start planning other arrangements for her. Her cognitive decline will get worse and her needs will increase. I personally would not take medication because someone else is making me sick. The long term side effects of many medications are not well understood especially not in women.

What you are feeling has a name in the medical community: "caregiver syndrome" because of its numerous consistent signs and symptoms. The most common psychological symptoms of caregiver syndrome are depression, anxiety and anger. Neuropsychiatrists refer to caregiver syndrome as: "a debilitating condition brought on by unrelieved, constant caring for a person with a chronic illness or dementia."

The chronic stress of caring for someone can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes, and a compromised immune system. In severe cases, caregivers take on the symptoms of the person for whom they are caring, which means that if you're caring for someone with cognitive decline your own brain may start declining. This syndrome also can lead to death. According to a 1999 study by University of Pittsburgh researchers Schulz and Beach, seniors who are caregivers have a 63-percent higher risk of dying than noncaregivers their same age.

I am not single but I am caring for my husband who can barely hear a word I say, takes 18 meds a day, has memory issues, and gets confused.

So, alone.

Now hear this--

The only thing that keeps me going is getting out of the house every day for coffee with someone. I have friends. And I call them up for coffee. I luxuriate in conversation, in laughing, in chatting. Then I am ready to go back.

At first it feels awkward calling people but i discovered that they are flattered.

If you cannot leave your mother alone at all, then you MUST get help for a few hours each day. You MUST.

Sending you a big hug!!!!!!!!!!

MsElaine... thank you so much for posting this. I often feel angry and overwhelmed myself. Is there a way for you to take a load off yourself... can you or your mother hire a good attendant? Or have someone reliable fill in so you can get a breather? I know of resources in my area but maybe google caregiver support in your area? Maybe try going to a support group or find a non profit or state agency that helps with elder / disability issues? Something's that help me are gardening, yoga and hiking plus, my parents have an attendant. I hope this helps. I can try to help search for resources for you if you want.

ROUTINE, ROUTINE, ROUTINE! that is the most important thing if you want to have something that resembles a life. i have been taking care of my mom for 9 years by myself even though i have siblings close. i was going through a divorce when i started caring for my mom so i didnt see a need to be looking to be with someone. my mom kept telling me to go out (we live together too). she is old school Italian and told me to either find a man or she would find one for me (her first marriage was arranged). made me laugh. she has early onset dementia along with various other health issues. i would try to date, but would be so worried about her being alone in the house. she can function: make her own coffee, cook, walk without assistance, but i was still worried so i stopped for a while. i got her the moble help devices, the one you wear around your neck, on your wrist, and they gave me a lot of mind so that i could do things. some of them are really inexpensive too. if you cant get physical help, try electronic help. i now have a system that has monitor in the apt that let me see where she is in the apt. nothing to wear. they are placed in the corners of the rooms and over the stove, and on the doors. i can get a text when she opens and closes the doors, turns on the oven or if she hasnt moved (or fallen) in a room. since going electronic, i have met and will be marrying a man next year. as for the meds, that is up to you. i am bipolar but dont take meds for the side effects that it may cause. i wish you luck.

Look around for a local senior daycare. I found one that would take Mom for a half day whenever. Typically she would go there for 4 hours or so on Friday. It was $30 without meals. So I would bring her after lunch and pick her up about 4pm.

Just thinking it might be a good weekly break. I know the in home caregivers cost about $20 an hour...this is much less costly and can give you a weekly break.

Good replies. My response would follow the lines of NY DIL's - these are signs that she needs someone else there asap. I am the only child, only relative of my mother, single and running my own household and working full time. You guys are nicer than me, because I can't give myself over to this, I have to keep my job and part of that is downtime to recharge. Mom has to do her part, she has insurance and access to services; my job is to make sure they're doing well and know what she needs. I go to her Dr visits, bring groceries, look at her bills, but cannot do the companionship, hobbies, physical care of her home, etc. She didn't love the formal CNA we hired, so now I'm trying an associate who does caregiving, for 'friendly visits.' Insurance will pay for some brief nurse visits each week (we're not quite there yet). I'm all for meds in certain situations, but I'd address some of the circumstances first. Visits with friends are awesome, but for me that doesn't cover what I get by going to counseling because I can be very frank there, and do all the talking. :) Agree with the exercise! Especially outside/walks.

There is also the issue of Parentification. How did we change roles? You grew up, became independent, and did the healthy thing and went out on your own. NO one prepared us for this role. You become a little resentful. One helpful article https://www.angel-advocates.com/single-post/2017/04/09/Parentification-how-did-I-become-the-parent. I knew this was going to be an issue when my parents hit their 80's but was not prepared when I was RIF'd from my job of 30 years for it to be me from that moment. Up to that point, we (I have two sisters) were all employed and shared the responsibility. If you suddenly become unemployed, it becomes you fast.

My mom is 85 and does nothing but go from the bed to the dinner table to her chair and color all day long. I spend most of my time in my room unless I know she needs something. I have been in her home 5 yrs doing this now and all my friends have abandoned me because they say I have ruined my life. single, no kids and no one else left in the family. The only thing that gets me through is the fact if I were in her shoes and I will be some day I would hope and pray someone would take care of me with love and concern.

It's funny that you said you're not sure what you're asking - You are asking for SUPPORT. I find great support in joining in this forum and reading what others are going through. I too will be going to the doctor tomorrow for my first round of anti-depressants after taking care of my aging mother for the past 4+ years. I am single, with four adult children, and feel like I am split into pieces trying to give them each a little bit of me, while being fully in charge of Mom. Wherever you can find it, whether it is just conversations or true respite services, get them in place ASAP. Make sure your mother is adjusted to having another person come into the picture so that she knows you are not the sole participant in her care. It's like a roller coaster ride - some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain awful. Hang in there.

MsElaine, when you say that friends tell you to take care of yourself, maybe, they sense that your caregiving without adequate help is not feasible. If you have taken on this role voluntarily, they can't prevent you from doing it. And if you think that you have gotten in over your head, then, I'd question if that is true. Obviously, you need help. I'd explore any services or help that can come into the hom to provide you some respite time. Just because a family member is holding on, doesn't mean that it's an ideal situation. There is no shame in getting help and if it's still too much, making other arrangements for your LO's care. IMO, getting them the level of care that they need is the most loving thing that I can do.

Wow! I am single and sole caregiver for my sister who has severe brain damage and needs 24 hour care. She was only 51 when she acquired her brain injury. I was told if I took her out of the nursing home she would die without medical eyes on her. I brought her home to live with me because she was so unhappy in the nursing home. That was eight years ago. Since that time I haven't had a massage, pedicure, manicure or any other pampering let alone a peaceful moment. I have walked my dog maybe once a year, something I used to do several times a day before bringing my sister home. Our days consist of seizures, accidents, tantrums, injuries, aides, OT, PT, speech therapy, doctor's appointments, falls, and hospital stays. We both suffer from depression and are on anti anxiety meds. My once close family (siblings) don't visit or call. They have cut us off because they don't want to be bothered. I pray for strength every day to continue on for another day. This is what life looks like for many single caregivers. Friends drop away because it is difficult to find time for relationships because we are always in crisis. I was 43 when I took on this task. It has aged me and taken its toll mentally, physically emotionally and spiritually. It has also taught me who my true family is. Several friends and my parents are who have stood by me during this horrific ordeal. Having said this, I don't think I would change my decision. I couldn't abandon my sister.  I just want to paint a realistic picture of what life looks like when you are a single caregiver.  If you are single now, once you have become a caregiver you are likely to remain single.  I don't care how much "help" you receive from hiring an aide.  In the final analysis you are ultimately responsible for everything. Your life will be consumed by this responsibility.  This forum is truly the only place I feel understood and supported.  I am not trying to discourage you but to inform you the way I wish someone had informed me eight years ago.  

livlifelrg is correct, you are looking for support. I have found support from this forum as the primary caregiver for my 92 mother. Therapy has helped me as well. MsElaine, it is not easy but hopefully you will find the balance that works for you.

Join a support group; its very helpful - you will get the guidance, support and assistance that you need. My mom lived with me for 2 years; before that I was a long distance caregiver. My mom has Alzheimer's and now lives in a memory care unit.

During the time she lived with me - she went to adult day care for people with dementia. The support was invaluable to me. They had caregiver classes, support groups and individual counseling to problems I were dealing with. There are so many resources for caregivers. Find out what they are and take full advantage of them. In all seriousness, I would not have been able to get through what I did without the guidance and support I received.

Another alternative is to hire a geriatric care manager - they will tell you what services are out there for you - you really do not have to shoulder the burden alone.

MsElaine - yes I can totally relate to what you are going through. And welcome to this online group - the one place you can really vent and not be judged. I too am so tired of people telling me how lucky I am to still have my mom and she's in great shape at 90 - still drives, cooks, cleans etc. HOWEVER....she also treats me like I am her personal slave and am never supposed to take care of my needs - only hers. I'm supposed to jump and she'll tell me how high. She has lived with me off/on for 17 years. My father was an alcoholic and my growing up years were full of chaos and caused me a lot of mental problems - depression, anxiety. Of course way back then - the 70's - no one talked about such things and I felt like something was horribly wrong with me. The fact that my mother was the most critical, non affectionate person certainly didn't make it any easier. I turned to alcohol and suffered several brushes with the law. I realized I could take the high road or the low road. I didn't want to ruin my life. I was smart, beautiful, athletic with people complimenting me all the time. I found a group of strong, independent women, formed close friendships with them and that helped through the years. I threw myself into my job and without a college degree worked my way up and retired after 30+ years at 49 with full benefits. I even went back to work so I could hang onto my home and all the repairs it needed. But yes - even good friends do not seem to understand how angry my mother can still make me. At the moment she has moved back in with me AGAIN because she is running out of money, rent around this area is sky high, she is very picky about where she lives and my 2 brothers are of almost no help. I too feel an enormous amount of resentment towards her right now. I've given up literally years of weekends, privacy, time to myself, romantic relationships etc. Right now we are not speaking because of a major blow up due to her nagging at me about every little freaking thing. I also work full-time, take care of a home, the yard, and now HER! I do not want to dull my senses with medication -to each their own but swimming, walking and getting out in nature really help me. So does listening to music. And I love my job - I actually look forward to going to work on Monday. Communication is also a major obstacle as she will not get a hearing aid and if I talk too loud I'm accused of yelling at her. Right now - I feel nothing for her. Yes that is harsh but after years of what I call abuse -this weekend she told me I was committing "elder abuse"...excuse me but I will not step back and let her say those words to me!!! I want her out of my life and out of my home - not sure if that is going to happen. But I make plans to get away with friends. I'm tired of feeling held hostage by her and her miserable existence. She cannot stand for me to do anything nice for myself - get a mani/pedi - buy a new outfit - whatever. I think she is downright jealous...I'm so tired of this weird, unhealthy relationship. And I have been suffering several things that are stress related. Not sure how this is going to play out but just try and make time for yourself. Try yoga, walking with a group of friends - whatever makes you happy. And then try and do that as much as you can. It is a most difficult road - but I understand what you are going through.

My heart hurts for you - and I've been doing this for almost 5 years... my health started deteriorating about a year after I moved in with mom, with arthritis being the biggest problem. Doctors started trying all kinds of drugs, which caused liver and kidney problems. Everything was overwhelming for me. So I got a medical marijuana card, and it changed my life. I'm 60 years old, and I still get depressed at times - this is the hardest job ever - but I'm almost pain free and would rather use weed than pop a pill, any day. I have caregivers 32 hours a week that allows me to grocery shop and occasionally have a lunch out, get yard work done, and take care of personal things - it's a lonely life for sure. Try to take care of yourself, I know that's hard to do - but find something that works for you. You're an amazing person to do what you do!