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My 77 year old mom currently lives in a senior apartment building in NC. I live in Ct. with my husband teen daughter and two early 20’s sons. My step dad passed in 2013 and my mom moved from Fla to here at that time because she quickly sold her little senior mobile home on the advice of my brother and his wife who also live in Fla. she was depressed and in mourning at that time, I was not prepared for her but felt obligated to take her in. After three months of her living here I couldn’t handle her and my aunt in NC told her to come live with her. That lasted for a year and they couldn’t live together any longer. My mom moved into her senior apt. and all was well for a while, although she would tell me how she no longer wanted to live there because she was far from everyone. Funny enough she does not call my brother with all her grief because she doesn’t want to “bother” him. My SIL told my brother that there is no way my mom is welcome to move in with them. Fast forward to now my aunt calls me to say my mom can no longer afford to live on her own and she asked for us to supplement her financially. So I have, my brother states he can’t afford to send anything to my mom. (He had no problem receiving money from her when she had some tho). Just Christmas my aunt suggested that my mom move up north with us and because I felt sorry for my moms situation I agreed. As I write this I know for a fact I cannot let this happen. I love my mom but we have always had a strained relationship and I have asked for her help many times in the past and she had refused saying she was unable to do so. If she did come up to help she would bring my nephew and treat it as a vacation. I know I sound horrible but I mentally cannot let her move in. I am afraid to tell her because it will be a complete s**t show when I do! Any suggestions? I need help ASAP !

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Pinappleday - I am so glad you found us and asked your question BEFORE moving your mom in. So many of us made that terrible mistake of moving our parents in and ruining our lives. I did. Thankfully, I undid that mistake after 2 horrible years.

Whatever you tell mom and the busybody meddler aunt is not important.

What's important is NOT moving mom in.
What's also important is finding mom the help she needs that is provided by someone else, not you. You can't take on anymore. Try to do everything yourself and nothing will get done right.
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Many decades ago, my mother told my father that the day his parents walked in the front door with plans on staying, she would be walking out the back door! (My mother's parents never expected housing, so the reverse situation was never an issue).

I learned from this and had many years to think it over. When I married, I did tell my own DH that his mother was not welcome in our house other than to visit for an afternoon or evening. Even having her over for dinner was difficult as she treated me like a servant and any time I sat down to eat, she would request something that required me to get up. And then she would sit there and smirk. I finally realized she wanted time with DH alone at the table, so I told him to take her to a restaurant from that point on if there was going to be a meal involved. Can you imagine if she were living here? Nope. Set the limit and stick to it - even if someone is mad in the short term. You don't sound horrible. I get it.

Regarding the finances, I highly recommend making sure there is complete transparency with the money if you are considering helping her in any way. I always take it with a grain of salt when someone says they can't afford something and they need me to chip in. Sometimes, it's honest-to-goodness the person can't afford it. Sometimes it's a case of they squandered money on some frivolous extras and now expect someone else to buy food or prevent a utility shutoff. If she's not willing to disclose everything and give you access to monitor her spending, then your checkbook is closed to that person!!
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You just told us. Tell your parents the same story because it’s truthful.

My mom would pull the, “I don’t want to bother your brothers.” That is crap! Why can’t moms bother their ‘precious’ sons?

A friend of mine called me recently. She brought up to me that she is ‘closer’ to her sons than her daughter.

Then she went on to say that her sons call her more. I so badly wanted to say, ‘Yeah, to mooch more money from you!” I kept my mouth shut because I knew that she would feel insulted.

Her daughter is lovely and very independent, always has been. Her sons are lazy as can be and aren’t smart enough to budget their money very well.

They know that if they overspend, mommy will write a check to bail them out! The daughter wouldn’t dream of asking for money.

I reminded my friend how my mom made differences with my brothers and I. I even gave examples. She nonchalantly replied by saying, “Yes, I do the same thing as your mother with my sons and daughter.”

She feels it is perfectly acceptable! It was then that I didn’t waste any more time on the conversation and politely said goodbye. She isn’t going to change!

What is it with some moms with their sons? And why do they not feel like their daughters are equally as important to their sons and don’t think twice about inconveniencing them?

Best wishes to you. Many of us have walked the same difficult path as you. It’s very hard. Mom lived with us for 15 years! I totally get your frustration!

Best wishes to you. Movie forward in your life. Help mom become settled into a nice facility where she will be taken care of.
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I would tell her it isn’t feasible for her to move in because of my children, husband and other obligations. It may be a mess to do so, but it will be a much bigger mess if she moves in with you. You and your family’s happiness are very important.
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Thank you all for caring so much to respond! You all have given me some great suggestions as to how to handle this. I was up at 2 am thinking of what to say. I know it will come to me I just want to stay as calm as possible when I do. My aunt is a terrific person but is definitely trying to push my mom to move.She texts me with ...blah,blah blah, when she comes to Ct. etc. and calling me to say “oh she’s not doing well and calls me crying all the time. You need to take her.” There is a lot of history I didn’t bring up with myself and my mom but I’m sure you all get the gist. I have one son in recovery and another who has Cerebral Palsy, my daughter is starting college in the fall but probably remotely due to Covid. Ugh! Sorry for going on again.
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Didisan Jan 2021
Hi. I am presently in a caregiving situation which is challenging, as they all are. And what I have gleaned from this situation is that you also must be prepared. It is wonderful to try to help your mother. And If you consider moving her closer to you in a senior living or an assisted living capacity, you will eventually be her oversight. This entails financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney. And if you do not have those things in place it would be extremely difficult for her to move closer to you. Or even if you chose to leave her in North Carolina she has no oversight of her Financial situation. Which she may need.
Seniors are often victims of predators. My relative Was a potential victim of an attempted bank scam where someone tried to take large sums of money out of his bank account. Were it not for the watchful eye of a banker to call this to the attention of his family, thousands of my dollars would have been extracted from his account.
FPOA and MPOA will allow you to understand where her monies are going. It also gives you control of where her money goes. And medical power of attorney allows you to assist in making very difficult medical decisions regarding her health.
For example, If one relative wants to ask her for money, you would have the final say. That is when and if you mother gives you the authority to do so.
This could be done through an attorney or it also could be done through LegalZoom.
Good Luck!
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“I am afraid to tell her because it will be a complete s**t show when I do!”

Better a short show now, than one that can go on for 20 years.

Best wishes to you.
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In hind sight she should have stayed in Fla. It had to be cheaper than living in NC.

Tell Mom you have thought it over and having her move in really is not an option with the three kids still there. And she probably could not afford the cost of living there in Ct.

Maybe you can do some research on the area she is in. Call the County Office of Aging and ask what type of law income apts there are. And before I gave her any money I would want to see her bills and bank statements. Where does her income go. Her savings. If you find out brother is still hitting her up then maybe brother should be paying it back.
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You are not horrible. You are smart to have found this site and post a question to people who have been in this situation. I wish I had posted the same question about it 2 years ago. I had retired and and hearing very much the same sad story you are I thought I was helping my mother and my siblings by having my mother move in with me and my husband. I will call it the worst decision I have ever made. Like littlevoice93 my husband and I have no privacy. She has taken over our lives. She acts like she has been the one married to my husband for 43 years. If you decide on a compromise and move her to your state, find low income housing or a small efficiently apartment for her to live. If it is too difficult to just tell her no try reverse psychology. Tell her your house is chaotic and loud, that she would have no privacy and sharing the kitchen and refrigerator with your family would be a nightmare. Tell any white lie that would help you feel less horrible.
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Please keep in mind that living in a sh*t show is not pleasant but if you firmly tell your mom "No" it will finally end, but if she moves in it will get worse and become endless. Best to simply say "No, it will not work for our family" and refuse to discuss it any further. No explanations - that invites argument and the idea that if she "wins" the argument she gets what she wants. There is no argument here - it will not work and the answer is NO. So now you all can begin to actually deal with the issue looking for options that might work. Put your time and energy there. You are not doing anything horrible - just being healthy and realistic about finding a solution that might work, rather than stressing over one that will not work.
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Re-read what you have written. Then read it again. Read it until you can tell yourself that you are prepared to make a decision that is the best for you and your family of FIVE.

What you have written DOES NOT sound “horrible”. It sounds honest and self affirming and powerful.

Can YOU send money to your mother without depriving your family? Then DON’T.
It is APPARENT that your mother is not easy to live with.

You have not stated her age. She may be eligible for low income senior housing. If so, she may move near any of her family, including near you, and be independent.

No matter what she says or does, she is NOT able to permanently injure you be screaming at you.

Don’t discuss her circumstances with anyone else.

You have made a good decision for yourself and your family. Stick to it.
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Find a way, ANYWAY to get her into a low income apartment or rental assistance. Do not let her live in your home. You can be compassionate and firm at the same time. The biggest mistake after my husband and I having an empty nest is moving the old bird in. My dad acts like we are the 3 amigos and we have no privacy AT ALL. We can't go away because he is forget full and won't take care of making meals. we can't have friends over because he holds court and tells stories from the good old days. He is almost 87 and too cool for socializing with anyone his own age. We are trapped.
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Find a way, ANYWAY to get her into a low income apartment or rental assistance. Do not let her live in your home. You can be compassionate and firm at the same time. The biggest mistake after my husband and I having an empty nest is moving the old bird in. My dad acts like we are the 3 amigos and we have no privacy AT ALL. We can't go away because he is forget full and won't take care of making meals. we can't have friends over because he holds court and tells stories from the good old days. He is almost 87 and too cool for socializing with anyone his own age. We are trapped.
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I was always upfront & honest with my parents, letting them know that living with me, or me living with them, would NOT be an option in their old age. Living together once was way more than enough for me.

When my mother told me 'jokingly' one time that, for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd move in with ME & pay me rent, I let her know right away that 'that would not work for me, mom, and would be impossible.' No uncertain terms, no wiggle room, nothing.

I suggest you explain to your mother that it just wouldn't work for the two of you to live together again, as you both discovered the last time. You love her, but living together just isn't ideal. You have a family, and THEY come first, so having her move in again would be too big of a burden and you cannot and will not be able to manage it. Sorry mom. How can I help you find a place to live, OUTSIDE of my home? Oh, and I cannot possibly afford to finance your life in any way b/c I can barely afford to finance my OWN life. Let's look into what you CAN afford on your SSI income.

"Funny", isn't it, how these women never want to 'bother' or 'impose' on their sons, but have no problem whatsoever making huge nuisances of themselves on their daughters? It may just be time for all THAT nonsense to change, too! May just be time for sonny-boy to pony up HIS fair share of time, effort & $$$$ for mama's care & management now!

Wishing you all the best of luck managing the word No and finessing the phrase, "I can't possibly manage that mom!"
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Tell all that you are sorry, but that you cannot live with your Mother. She may be down to living in a very small senior living apartment; she may be down to living in LTC with the government medicaid supplementing her SS so she can live. She is only 77. She has given away money to a son, and I hope that "gifting" won't come back to haunt her if she applies for help, but if you "gift her " yourself, then you will be where SHE is in your own elder years, make no mistake.
Your mother is only 77. She has two more decades of life to live. Are you ready to sacrifice your own life for her? Your have a right to have your own life. So when you discuss things with anyone make it clear that you cannot afford to supplement her and that she cannot live with you; if there is other help you can give, then that can be up for discussion, but live in and money you don't have yourself is not an answer. Tell them, in fact, that you DON'T HAVE an answer. You have told us that. And it is the truth. Not everything has an answer. Not everything can be fixed.
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