I would ask the organization to do that. But be prepared to do it yourself as honestly and kindly as possible. My experience as the deliverer of bad news: After my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor the doctors said he could never live by himself again. The case manager said she would tell him but she didn’t. I had to tell him he couldn’t go back to his apartment but he would go to assisted living. He was angry. I told him that he couldn’t remember to take his meds and that the doctors all agreed he couldn’t live by himself. I highlighted the good reasons. He’d be moving to his own apartment at assisted living and everything would be paid for, someone would do his laundry, pick up his trash, clean his apartment and check in on him and give him his meds. I also pointed out how much more energized once he was in the hospital because so many people were coming in to see him, instead of holing up in his apartment. He reluctantly agreed. The move was successful.
I would ask this group if there is something else he could be doing if not referee. They also should come up with a reason to retire him - young people have volunteered and we need to encourage the young folks to be more involved. A lot can happen between now and the winter months. You should start yacking it up about not being out in the cold, staying away from all those possible covid carriers at his age, etc. Maybe you can get him to retire before they retire him.
Littlesister58: Imho, it's actually not YOUR duty to inform him, but the sports organization's duty. In addition, they should be recognizing his 35 years of dedicated service. Organizations such as this sports one should have some kind of platform to show appreciation of three and one half DECADES of service, albeit volunteerism or paid performance.
Since he has been doing this for so many years, I'm sure he has many friends and people who respect and appreciate all that he has done. If feasible, you could take him to some games, have him sit somewhere where the officials working the game could come over and talk to him several times. I'm sure they would be willing to talk to your husband, chat about the game, and even ask his opinion or advice on some plays. That way he could still enjoy the games, be around his buddies, and still feel that he is contributing in some way.
As for telling him, you might try telling him that they have a lot of young guys who want to participate, and it's time to let the young'ns have a chance to work some games.
Hi, that’s up to them to tell him. They’re the ones who made the decision. Usually there would be an acknowledgement of the service given too. Please contact the association and thank them for giving you the “heads up” while doing this, ask them when your husband can expect the “thanks for all you’ve done” acknowledgment and possible party.
Little Sister, The suggestions to ask the sports organization to acknowledge your husband's contributions over the years are great. Please keep in mind that this has been a large part of your husband's identity. My dad officiated football, baseball and basketball from the time I was young and loved it. He was in the Army for 36 years and another 12 in Civil Service before retiring, so officiating became the main part of his identity. My mother insisted he fully retire from officiating when he was in his 80's (in order to travel more), and it took a real toll on him. He had a bit of dementia starting at that point, which seemed to quickly get worse. I wish we had thought about contacting the organizations for certificates/acknowledgements for his service. My heart is with you during this time, and I pray you'll find ways for your husband to feel useful and appreciated.
Honestly and gently. Do not expect him to accept this without rage, denial and grief. Who would? This is nothing to be happy about; it is something he will have to adjust around. Do understand that his reactions will be legitimate. Do support him with love and sympathy. Honesty is always best. As my brother with Lewy's Body Dementia (probable and early stage) told me "I am not happy to learn what I have, to know where it will take me, but I am relieved I have a reason for what I am experiencing, and I find some of the changes intellectually "interesting". He was glad to know there was a reason for all that was happening to him, to know I would be there through any stage to support him, to be able to make his own plans about who should handle things for this and that. Let him know you understand this is a terrible loss for him, and he has your love and support.
My dad was a big believer in stepping aside and letting younger people step up to the plate, so to speak, when it came to volunteer work. He saw far too many old guys hang on to their various volunteer positions for too long, then dragging down the organization by not letting the younger folks get in there to do their part.
Perhaps you can gently tell your husband that it's someone else's turn now. If he's still capable, he can serve as a mentor, but the actual job needs to be taken on by someone else now.
Kantankorus, excellent suggestion! I also agree with JoAnn and Geaton777; he should go out "with a bang", some sort of celebration so he can leave with his head high, remembering his contributions but not the fact that he would be challenged to continue.
Whether it's a placque, or a certificate, or even better yet, a socially distanced good-bye party, let him hold his head high and remember his accomplishments.
And on that level, and although it would be time consuming, a nicely prepared collection of photos in a nice old fashioned photo album would be a great memory, something he can look at over the years and of which he can be proud.
After 35 years, I think he deserves a promotion to a 'senior' position which utilises his skills without draining his resources - maybe video review assistant, consultant/advisor, rules moderator... Chat to the governing body to seek compassionate consideration - he is still an asset with his experience.
I suggest telling him right away so that he has time to get used to the idea well before the season starts. It would be much harder for him if he spends time looking forward to opening season before you tell him. As far as how to tell him, keep it simple. When my husband was no longer able to keep up with the band he played in, I had to tell him. I told him exactly what the band leader had said. "The band leader feels you are struggling to keep up and it's time to retire and give a younger musician your part." It took him by surprise, but he accepted it after a couple of days thinking about it. Good luck.
So sad. Don't worry about that yet. The time will be here soon enough. By then he may not even know he would be working games. So much can happen between now and then.
They should be the ones to tell him. Ask them to write him a letter. And he should get a recognition or certificate for his 35 years of faithful participation. You can then display this at your home if he forgets. I hope they do this for him!
So sorry you and your husband are going through this.
I don't know how you tell him. The only thing I could think of is for you to call up other sport places and asking them if they could use a volunteer. This way he could donate some of his time doing what he enjoys doing. If a place accepts his volunteer work then you can say to him "darling, you are needed more here"... or something to that effect.
I am so sorry you have to experience this. In my version I have to tell my mother she will likely not walk again.
I think you simply have to be truthful and hopefully have things to remind him about that are positive.
Depending on his mental state he may keep asking. My husband and I have both had several serious medical issues in the past few years. They have changed our physical abilities to certain degrees. We are almost 65 and 71. We just attended the wake of a formerly very vibrant 61 year old exercise teacher who passed away from ovarian cancer after just a 6 month battle with it. That was very sobering and I wish with all my heart she was still alive. I don't know if you have an example such as that in your life to talk to him about.
I wish you strength. I know I need it constantly when telling my mother that PT is not going to continue with her because they feel her legs have lost the memory so to speak to support herself after a serious septic infection. I simply have to constantly point out how much better she is in other ways than she was 6 months ago.
Let them throw him a retirement party. (Did that for my mom where she volunteered.)
Ask if there is another "job" he could do - even volunteer for that does not have same level of responsibility.
Talk with him about expanding his interests and try something new.
As for telling him, you might try telling him that they have a lot of young guys who want to participate, and it's time to let the young'ns have a chance to work some games.
They should be acknowledging 35 years of service and have the back bone to "retire" him to his face.
Maybe there are others contributions that he could make.
This kind of attitude is why so many sports have a difficult time finding volunteers, because they are used and disposed of like trash.
Tell them to man up and handle this man that gave 35 years of his life to the sport like he matters. I would be livid with these yahoos.
The suggestions to ask the sports organization to acknowledge your husband's contributions over the years are great. Please keep in mind that this has been a large part of your husband's identity. My dad officiated football, baseball and basketball from the time I was young and loved it. He was in the Army for 36 years and another 12 in Civil Service before retiring, so officiating became the main part of his identity. My mother insisted he fully retire from officiating when he was in his 80's (in order to travel more), and it took a real toll on him. He had a bit of dementia starting at that point, which seemed to quickly get worse. I wish we had thought about contacting the organizations for certificates/acknowledgements for his service. My heart is with you during this time, and I pray you'll find ways for your husband to feel useful and appreciated.
Perhaps you can gently tell your husband that it's someone else's turn now. If he's still capable, he can serve as a mentor, but the actual job needs to be taken on by someone else now.
Whether it's a placque, or a certificate, or even better yet, a socially distanced good-bye party, let him hold his head high and remember his accomplishments.
And on that level, and although it would be time consuming, a nicely prepared collection of photos in a nice old fashioned photo album would be a great memory, something he can look at over the years and of which he can be proud.
Chat to the governing body to seek compassionate consideration - he is still an asset with his experience.
I don't know how you tell him. The only thing I could think of is for you to call up other sport places and asking them if they could use a volunteer. This way he could donate some of his time doing what he enjoys doing. If a place accepts his volunteer work then you can say to him "darling, you are needed more here"... or something to that effect.
Best to you both,
Jenna
I think you simply have to be truthful and hopefully have things to remind him about that are positive.
Depending on his mental state he may keep asking. My husband and I have both had several serious medical issues in the past few years. They have changed our physical abilities to certain degrees. We are almost 65 and 71. We just attended the wake of a formerly very vibrant 61 year old exercise teacher who passed away from ovarian cancer after just a 6 month battle with it. That was very sobering and I wish with all my heart she was still alive. I don't know if you have an example such as that in your life to talk to him about.
I wish you strength. I know I need it constantly when telling my mother that PT is not going to continue with her because they feel her legs have lost the memory so to speak to support herself after a serious septic infection. I simply have to constantly point out how much better she is in other ways than she was 6 months ago.