How do I tell my husband of 54 years that I need to put him in a nursing home? I can’t take the pressure of taking care of him.

Here is a link to an article with 50 tips on transitioning your loved one to managed care:

https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here

I also suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

I think her books can be helpful for YOU as you process the loss & grief associated with your husband and the dementia you've lost him too. I'm sorry you are faced with all of this; I know how hard it is as I dealt with my mother for 6 years who had advanced dementia and lived in Memory Care AL. It was quite a brutal road to travel, for both of us.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

There is a lot of good information on this forum. Lealonnie1 is always on top of the best advice too!
Keep coming back and let us know what is going on with your situation. Even though each dementia patient is unique, being here, makes it much less so, and you will find a lot of other folks dealing with challenges like yours.

Your husband “is angry and agitated all the time. Yells at me constantly”. So when you tell him you can’t cope any more, you already know how he will take it. He will be angry and agitated, and he will yell at you. Just accept that this is what will happen.

You can hope that once the shift is over, his mood will change (people often improve with more care by strangers), that your tolerance will go up, and that things will get better. You know that things will get worse if nothing improves at home. Best wishes, Margaret

Enlist the help of his doctor and request that the doctor tell both of you in his office. The doctor can follow up with a visit with a social worker on the same day, maybe even at doctor’s office. You’ll still get flak from your husband, but it might be blunted. Look forward to when he’s living in his new place!

My prayers are with you! I’m in that same place of thinking I may have to place my bride in a care facility.

PS.

please join me in a Zoom caregivers support group, next Thursday, at 10:30 AM, EST. We talk about issue like this and other caregiving challenges.

copy the link and paste it in your browser.

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85885877283?pwd=ZjNJWTFOeVJXd2VvYzgyNWRRemt3dz09

My husband was just like that last fall. Yelling, cussing and even striking out at me. I was so ready to leave, even thought about divorcing him. But I hung in there knowing it was the disease and not the man I married 54 years ago. I am glad I did stay because now the diseased as progressed and he is mild as a puppy. I love having him with me, even though he can barely speak and just sits all day looking out the window. Plus, at a cost of $7,200 a month for memory care unit, I was not going to do that until absolutely necessary.

A simple anti anxiety pill may be all he needs. If the mood is the only reason you feel you can’t take care of him, talk to his doctor. That may be the best solution. If you still feel the need, do your research on all the homes in your area. And remember, jist because you choose one does not mean you can’t move him if you are not happy with your first choice.

First know if you are ABLE to place him, because if he is mentally competent, you may not be able to. In that case you may have to protect yourself, another question that involves division of assets and separations.
Otherwise, you do it gently, with compassion, and with someone else present. Doctor or family. You let him know you will speak without interruption and then you will listen to him speak.
You will tell him "Honey, I love you and I have tried, but I can't care for you anymore. We are now going to have to place you in care, and I will visit you as much as I am able. I can't do the care anymore. I know you will be angry and will grieve. I will grieve this as well, but we have now no choice in this matter".
You need also to know how to divide and protect your assets if your husband will be self pay for some time. You need an attorney for this. Your own assets for your own care must be protected.
Then you find the best care you are able given your husband's assets to pay.
I hope very much you have support of some family or friends.
I am so sorry it has come to this, but it is no one's fault. If normally your hubby descends into anger then he will be very angry and there may be tears. This is worth the grieving, so allow him to feel what he feels.
I am so sorry.

Start by getting him a referral to a psychiatrist - preferably one that specializes in seniors. He probably needs medications to help him relax and not be so anxious/angry. Whether he stays with you or moves into skilled nursing care, this issue must be dealt with first. Then, talk to him during the time of day he is most rested: you always feel tired and worn out, that his outbursts are scaring you (probably true, right?), and that you can't get rest while he is so tense all the time. Let it appear that his going to skilled nursing is respite for you (which in a sense it is) and handle -when and if he can come home - when you are recovered.

I agree with having the doctor recommend it. I did not see if the husband has dementia or other medical issues. My sister's husband with Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia had to be placed after 3 years of in home care giving. The doctor told him he was no longer safe and my sister was no longer safe under the conditions (he was a fall risk and also lashing out). Coming from a 3rd party helps when Hubby complains. Do make sure you have the legal authority to do this. Good luck.

Remember the old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder?

See if you can visit a Geriatric Psychiatrist together (like couple's therapy). He/she will be able to write prescriptions if that is the method deemed useful and necessary. The visit would also provide an opportunity to discuss placement and to have the psychiatrist observe your husband's response. The psychiatrist will help you locate the most appropriate setting for your husband, I hope.

For now, get some iPods and blast the music in your ears to drown out the yelling and negativity until you can get him placed. Take care of YOU!

Often the facilities have really great suggestions about how to manage the situation and what to expect.

Suhoke: Perhaps you could enlist the help of his physician. One factor is a given and that is YOU cannot continue being his caregiver as he "is angry and agitated all the time" and "yells at (you) constantly." When desperation comes into play, it is time for managed care. Best of luck.

With my mom she was in the hospital so I plainly said “ You need more rehab “ I am at the point with my Dad I no longer think I can do the caregiving alone anymore it’s either hire more caregivers or find assisted living . I feel for you abuse is abuse and even if they have a disease it still is upsetting to have someone be mean to you

why don't you get help and keep him home