This is a weird story and I apologise in advance. As I can’t talk to my siblings about issues regarding our father, I have the need to talk on this forum.
Ok here it is. We have 3 beautiful cats but one of them is my husband’s cat and is very much loved by him and me as he was an abused and terrified kitten whom we adopted from a local shelter. ( he is now 4 yo) Also we have our cats in 3 separate huge enclosures as we live on a very busy road and don’t want them getting run over.
My father has never agreed with this and has whinged and commented on it ever since we got the cats. but he was in the habit of leaving the front screen door open when he was still in his own home and this is how his kitten got hit by a car and killed. He asked to me two nights ago if he could open the cage of my husbands cat and get in there with him, because he felt sorry for it being in a cage all day. I told him absolutely not as the cat doesn’t know my father very well at all, and would run away in fright. Also we have two large dogs who although are in a separate part of our backyard, the cat is very frightened of dogs. My husband when he heard about this, was furious and said to me that he will tell my siblings find Dad somewhere else to live whether they like it or not, if my father goes near his cat’s enclosure and causes it to run away. That’s a scenario i really want to avoid, God Help us. So he has locked the main gate which is accessible to the backyard and hidden the key. The thing is. my dad will not even remember asking me or saying this, and I pointed this out to my husband. I’m sorry about the the long winded drama but if I tell my dad why the gate is locked, it will lead to an argument and I can’t deal with that at the moment. I’m trying my best to keep the peace, but it’s not easy.
Angryannie, most of us on this forum have been together for a long time and have learned how to get along together. If we have a problem with each other, we take it off the forum and pm each other. We have some people who say it like it is. You are on a forum which most are from the US and others from other countries. Its a you have to take the good with the bad kind of thing.
You are dealing with someone in the first stages of a Dementia. First thing to go is short-term memory. So Dad is not going to remember what he has been told from day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute. His ability to reason is gone. So don't try to explain things to him. His brain no longer processes quick enough to follow what you are saying. He will get self-centered. Show no appreciation of what you do for him. Its nerve racking.
Your were still practically a newlywed when Dad came to stay, Why, if there were other children did you take on this responsibility. Dad will get worse and to be honest, he should not be left alone. Dementia is very unpredictable. You never know what they will do next. To be honest, I think Dad, if he has the money, should be placed in an Assisted Living or Memory care. LTC with Medicaid if he has no money. Better you do this now, then when he worsens. He IS going to need care beyond what you can give him.
When we are overwhelmed and at the end of our rope, it is easy to take comments as personal attacks. I personally have seen it and my 1st post felt like old posters were attacking me. I was frazzled, in a situation that I didn't know a single thing about, I didn't know where to begin, my nerves were totally frayed. Some posters intented to be rude, hurtful and nasty, I wasn't in a place that I could understand they were hurting too. It took me a long time to stop slapping back when I was attacked or felt attacked. Remembering how very hard this journey is behooves all of us.
I think we have ALL been there, whether we acknowledge that or not, let's try to remember that many come here because they have no place else to turn and they are barely treading water, in a situation that nobody is prepared for the 1st time.
angryannie/chickasmum4 we are all trying our best and our personal convictions and personalities come out on this forum, remember, we all are or have dealt with a loved one going through end of life sickness, mental illness and everything, I don't think anyone has tried to intentionally hurt you. You are actually pretty blessed, your loved one can still be left alone. Many here don't have that luxury.
The cats cannot be inside when OP and hubby are not at home because dad with dementia will leave front door open and cats will be roaming street if door is left open. They are being good caretakers of their animals to protect them.
The issue is dad and his dementia. How long is OP willing to give up her life and her families life for her father? This is the same father that berated OP to stop going to the gym.
I really think you need to find another place for dad to live that is not in your house. Then you, your husband and cats can get your lives and house back.
post to get attacked by a couple of the members of this forum. If they answer my posts with aggressive replies, I’m going to reply in kind.
Your dad has dementia.
Keep the gate locked.
Keep the cats safe.
Actually locking the gate may also keep your dad safe, if he can't wander off all the better.
If there is any other way for the cats or dogs to get out of the yard lock those areas as well.
This sounds like early stages and this will get worse and you also need to prepare for that.
You can not explain
You can not expect he will remember what you say.
Remember your family comes first and getting help is important.
If there is a Day Program near you get him involved with that.
If he is able to do some tasks give him something to do, it will keep him occupied and give him something to focus on. But do not expect it to be done or done the way you want it done.
If he is a Veteran the VA may be of help. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission their service is free and they can help determine if he qualifies for benefits. It might be a little it might be a LOT
What do you understand about dementia and its effects on thinking and reasoning? At least with my mom (she had Vascular Dementia), her reasoning ability was completely gone. We had to speak in simple declarative sentences, no allusions, no sarcasm. She took almost everything quite literally, the way my 5 yo granddaughter does. (What size are your shoes, Pickles? The same size as my feet, Nona).
You and your DH appear to be at the end of your rope. You told us a few weeks ago that you and DH had spoken to dad and told him the time was coming for placement. Have you looked at any long term care facilities?
I don't blame your husband for having no more patience for dads actions and words. He has been a saint so far.
When you told your father that he must not go into the adopted cat's enclosure, did your father accept that or did he try to get in anyway?
One solution that would allow your father into the backyard but prevent him accessing the cats might be to put combination padlocks on the doors to each enclosure. That way your father can still access the backyard and interact with any cats who volunteer, but he won't be able to open the enclosures.
I agree with ITRR that it's best to feign ignorance and avoid any discussions that require your father to recollect previous conversations.
I must say I agree with Glad and your father too in questioning keeping domestic cats isolated in enclosures, but they're your cats and you know them best.
Especially the adopted/abused cat. Isn't caging them abuse too?
I can see keeping cats indoors all the time, but caging them? No, and possibly illegal. Wonder what you would learn it you called your local animal rights group of it dad did.
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-cruel-to-keep-a-cat-in-a-cage-outside-24-7-My-neighbor-is-doing-this-The-cage-is-about-4-long-2-wide-and-2-1-2-high-It-has-food-water-a-litter-box-and-a-bed-Ive-offered-to-buy-the-cat-but-he-wont-sell-or-give
"A
angryannie
Sent a message 11 minutes ago
You’re a smart know all who knows nothing. GFY"
Angry,
You should check into counseling for yourself. You are obviously very stressed and angry with caring for dad. Do you lock dad in his room at night with his dvd's too? Sounds like another arrangement would be best for dad.
Best wishes finding a suitable situation.
Are you the same person posting under 2 accounts?