How do I talk to my sister about changing mom's care plan?

Then let your sister do it herself. I would bet money that after a week or two she would be calling in some help from an agency to give her a break.
Your mom would never want your marriage to be suffering because of her. Your husband, children and grandchildren must be your number one priorities, and then the rest of the family.
And it doesn't sound like that is the case right now, so yes, changes must be made. And if that means you let your sister do it all herself...well so be it.

You don't need to convince her you just need to inform her that your plans have changed and you will not be available, if she chooses to play the martyr card that's on her.

I agree that you allow your sister to do it herself.

Have her read the responses to your question herself. She needs to understand that your Father asked for this promise never imagining what the downstream collateral damage would be on everyone orbiting around your Mom. It's not sustainable, and will get much worse.

It is not a moral failure to hire other caregivers for your Mom, or to place her in a facility. By what you post, she already needs a ton of help so keeping her in her home... what's the point? She is not "aging gracefully" or independently. I doubt either of your parents would want to be responsible for wrecking their childrens' mental and emotional (and possibly financial) well-being.

Your well-meaning sister needs to understand that your obligation is to your immediate family first, then your Mom. That's the correct moral priority.

I wish you all clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you work together to figure out your Mom's care arrangement.

Too much, your mother is unable to care for herself she is not independent.

Nothing to convince her about, just be honest and tell her that you cannot continue to do this.

Forget the promise thing said in an emotional moment, life changes, we need to readjust as required.

You have helped, time to care for you and your husband, enjoy your retirement, you've earned it.

How about considering a facility, AL, so you and your sister can become daughters again, not 24/7 caregivers.

Good Luck!

You talk honestly.
LIKE THIS:

Sis, my husband and I have discussed this and we are on the same page.
Whatever you may decide to do FOR YOURSELF and BY YOURSELF is fine.
We no longer choose to do this hands on care.
You can be angry; you can cry; you can argue, but nothing will change out decision.
I think that mother now belongs in care. I will not enable that not being done by participating in this care.
I have reached my own limitations.
You are free to JUDGE my limitations and put labels on me, but you are not free to change my choices which are already made".

Now.
Tell me?
If your sister said THAT to YOU how do you suppose for a second you could change the decision.
As long as you are WISHY WASHY people will use you as a dishrag.
Sorry, but that's the blunt truth. We tell people who we are. We train them in how we can be used. OR how we can NOT be used.

Good luck. There is no substitute for honesty.

How about ditching the ‘at home’ care plan all together? It doesn’t seem to be working out well for any of you.

You have a lot of people as caregivers and you are still worn out and don’t have enough time for yourselves.

It would probably make more sense to look into an assisted living facility if funds are available. If that isn’t feasible then I agree with you that hiring additional help is wise.

As far as how to talk to your sister, I wouldn’t beat around the bush. Tell her exactly what you told us. Hopefully, she will understand and be agreeable.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Mom should not be left alone at any time. She needs to be in care. It should not take all of u to care for Mom. Sis may have promised, u didn't.

Care plans only work if they work for ALL of the parties involved.

My husband has been in the hospital recently. He was very ill. The discharge planning folks called to say he could go home on a certain day. I said, in essence that doesn't work for ME.

If I"m going to be the caregiver, the plan is about ME as much as it is about the care receiver.

Keep that totally in your mind when you say to sis "this plan doesn't work for me any longer"

I guess I'd tell her to stop with the guilt trip. Her promise to dad was done most likely at an emotional time and really is not an appropriate promise to make never mind to honor.

You have every right to change your schedule or completely bow out. You need hired help or mom in a facility. It's too much to do at home.

I’m wondering whether your non-married sister is divorced. If so, what does she think about the promises she and the ex made on marriage? Probably ‘that’s different, it all changed’. Just like this.

You could hire someone yourself to take over your shifts, at least during times you and your husband might be traveling, or perhaps permanently If your sister prefers to take her own shifts, she will continue to do that. Your sister should not be expected to pay for your turn for helping. If your mother needs more care than family can cover, then it's tie to discuss another plan. Right now it sounds like you are the one who needs to hire outside help to cover your own visits when you cannot do them.

Wow, this topic is too hot for me to not respond to it.

What your SISTER chooses to do for your mom is what SHE has chosen. You have every right to step up and say "No, I cannot do this and won't".

A YEAR ago, my MIL went into in home Hospice. My SIL tried to do it all herself, but failed (as anyone would!) called my DH and his OB and begged them to help out.

What followed has been a year to forget. MIL went downhill, but stayed in a holding pattern. So, the actual care, at first was not onerous. The 2-3 weeks until she was told she had left was not anywhere near being 'right'.

But, creeping slowly from being mentally 'a little ditzy' to full blown dementia was awful to watch.

OB was the first one to say "No more" and although he did not have POA (My DH has it) he stepped in and began searching out ALF's. YS fought him, mildly, on it, but in the end, 2 weeks after saying "I'm done", MIL is now moved to a lovely ALF facility.

The day she moved, my DH came home and said to me "We should have done this 5 years ago".

Indeed.

My marriage has been seriously compromised by the sheer amount of time/energy/money/emotional abuse that this situation caused.

OB's wife needs more care and OB can't do both women's care without going crazy.

YS is burned to a crisp. She's still spending way too much time at the facility and needs to pull back but she is feeling incredible guilt.

Your sister has created a 3 legged stool for mom to be propped up on. Do you want the be the third leg for possibly years to come?

NH's of today are not like they were 20-30 years ago. Yes, there are some bad ones. but there are some really nice ones.

Whatever Alva Says--take as truth! Her comments were great.

OK, I am going to risk getting more flack about this but I am a firm believer that a person with dementia should NOT be living alone.
While I think what you, your husband, your daughter and brother and your sister are doing while admirable is slightly insane. (maybe more than slightly...)
Who covers at night.
What happens if mom wanders out of the house at 2AM in her nightgown, no slippers or coat and it is 0 with the wind chill? How long will she last?
What happens when she starts running water and leaves the water on? Or leaves the stove on?
What happens when someone from the "gas company" knocks on the door to check her furnace and robs her?

What is your daughter giving up in her life to check on grandma? Is it fair to her to expect her to do this?

What are you and your husband giving up? Your dream of travel. So, you put that on hold for now thinking that you can travel when mom dies. Great plan until you or your husband are diagnosed with a condition where you can no longer make the travel plans you always wanted. Life is short and you never know what is around the corner.
My husband and I wanted to travel after we retired. He was diagnosed at 63 with dementia. Died 10 years later. Not the way I wanted to spend the first 10 years of my retirement.

Promises like the one your sister made to your dad are promises made to make someone else "feel comforted".

If she thinks she can "do it herself" then she truly is a "Wonder woman" I think she will change her tune very quickly once you all begin to take your lives back.

(Where does your brother stand in this? Is he in "camp gotta care for mom no matter what" or "I want to live my life"?)

Bettysgroup,

Are you the POA? You say you are handling the finances, so I suspect yes, but please confirm. If so, you do not need your sister's permission to hire additional help, or even to look at AL (though discussing that with her may help derail any resentments, depending on how it is handled).

Your sister doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or the situation. You choose to allow her to cause you to feel guilty, undependable, etc. Stop doing that. She is not in your position and has no clue what strain you and your family are under. Next time she throws that in your face, tell her she has no idea about the stress this is causing you and your husband and the situation is untenable. And leave it at that. You do not owe her any further explanation (actually, you don't really owe her any explanation at all).

First, your sister cannot 'make' you feel any specific way. You decide or emotionally react and feel that way. You need to take responsbility / ownership of how you react and feel. Then you will feel more 'self-empowerment.' You now feel power-less because you are giving your power away. The issue here is why and how you are triggered - to respond / feel as you do.

I don't think it is a matter of convincing her. You may not be able to do that.

I believe that you need to be clear on what you will / will not do / the changes you want / need to make and tell her. Period.

- You offer to arrange some initial caregiving support/help. Perhaps take that role on to call / interview / pay / etc. (or share that responsibility).

If I were you, I would be as 'fair' as possible to split the responsibilities as you (and she) can. After that, it is getting more / some outside caregiving services, volunteers from church or friends, networking. You do what you have to do.

I'd personally recommend that you do not put your life on hold 'any longer' and spend quality time with your husband. If you continue on as you have been, you will feel more resentful, angry, and emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically depleted. This is a choice only you can make. And, perhaps / likely a very difficult decision. (As) it involves you changing your psychological programming / triggers to react as you do. This is not easy to change although it starts with a decision to become more AWARE of how you feel - and why - and then - even when it doesn't feel comfortable (it won't) you do what you want - moving forward in your life.

It is 'easy' to make promises when one doesn't know what is involved in the future. Let that go and whatever guilt you may carry. Guilt is a useless emotion (?) / feelling / response. You need to make your decisions and stick with them.

Your sister will do what she decides to do. You have no control over that.
I would consider the legal ramifications or more clear - who has these responsibilities and decision making. Is that split up between the both of you?

Gena / Touch Matters

I speak from my experience of caring for my wife for 18 years, who suffered from FTD.

A successful care plan which caters to the needs of the loved one (LO), preserves her dignity, prolongs her independence, and maintains the highest level of quality of life possible, requires a dedicated caregiver at the helm.

Your LO needs that kind of dedication through her journey, and this responsibility will increase as time goes by. She needs routines, stable routines, and no surprises. Having 5 or 6 people caring for her, each with their own style, and (I assume) no proper way of communication between them is bad start to say the least. Routine must be the golden rule.

Your care plan needs major overhaul and the sooner, the better. And remember, this is not a one-person job. Dementia care is never a one person job. The main caregiver needs support, either through hiring help, or when it is not physically or emotionally possible, some form of placement.

Your caregiving is over. Place you mom into a facility to get your life and retirement plans back.

Bettysgroup: Your mother may require managed care facility living.

Managed care facility life is not without issues. It does allow alone time and undisturbed sleep most nights. It still requires you do her finances as POA, her shopping needs, maintain incontinence item needs, search for her missing items {she hides daily like glasses}, take care of her doctor visits {or needed tests} or oversee doctors care at minimum and you need to maintain constant facility visits to be sure managed care does as they should {showers get missed, falls happen, ER visits happen, items come up missing, room needs unpacking each time they pack everything to move to some imaginary home, meal change needs etc}…your concern does not end because they sleep somewhere else and your stress continues. Everyone always thinks that a facility makes life perfect for the caregiver…it does not. We are on year five of dementia and the constant involvement continues. I gave up my retirement dreams two years after I retired to oversee mom’s care. I take two weeks a year off to rest up. Calls from the facility go to my brother for 7 days. My brother continues his life as before. He is happy to have me manage the managed care. If you are the workhorse in this and have the legal rights …with all that said I still would opt for managed care …..if you it is affordable. We pay $4984 a month in assisted living.. Do as you see fit. The family will adjust. Good Luck..

You need to buck-up just tell her. When my daddy was in a care group home, my brother begged me to bring home for months - I told him several times that we couldn't do it, it was too hard, then when he was dying - he could not stand or get out of bed - I did bring him home but it was on the condition that we all took turns - it was me, him and a hired care giver. It was only for five days but it was a long five days. I was DPOA and my daddy did not move unless I said so. Sometimes you have to just tell them how the cow eats the buckwheat and if they get mad well -- thats how it is.

Your current schedule you posted doesn't add up. Even at that it appears that you, your daughter and husband are getting the brunt of the caring and upkeep. Have you sat down and talked to your Mother about this arrangement? I can only talk per experience. When my father 92.5 came to my home town it was going to be like this: he was going to sell his house, my sister was going to sell her house in Texas and her and her husband were going to move back to California and they would pull there money together and purchase a house near me and I was going to help take care of our father. I took care of my Mother alone was not going to do that alone again. Ha Part of that happened my Dad moved in with me and my husband in our home. We are the only ones taking care of my Dad with Dementia for the past 2 years 6 months. Yes, we as well had made plans and bought a camper as we retired and then my father moved in. Funny my father has said numerous times how come you never use that camper 😩 he can't climb into it nor would it be any fun what's so ever for my husband or myself mobility issues and Dementia. We have put our life on hold taking care of all the care. This year is another milestone birthday for my husband and both our rulers are getting shorter by the day. I have been actively looking for the last month in half for the right fit to place my father in assisted living/memory care. I have found the best place that will allow him to be as happy as possible with activities, good food, nice studio and good caregivers. We will be placing him within the next two weeks. At first of course I felt quilty and cried while looking for the right place, but I have come to the conclusion that it is the best for all of us and I see and feel how this has affected my health and well-being as well as my husband. I'm not going to abandon him in the care facility. I'm just getting a broader care team so the whole weight of caregiving is no longer on us. I'm sure your Mother doesn't want for you to put your life on hold to care for her and she would be much happier with other women her age doing crafts, listening to music ,walking playing bingo and enjoying dinner, lunch with her era. Being able to look back in retrospect after getting my Dad dialed in on his medication and over all health I wish for his sake I would have come to this decision sooner, it might have been a bit easier for him to make this transition. Good luck to you and your family

Dear Jenny, I'm sorry but your post below is unreadable - too long, no paras, no incentive to read. Could you try again?

Then let your sister do it herself if that’s her decision.

Better to call a family meeting of all care providers. Your situation has changed. Yes, you can do all the work, but you are starting to burn out and feel some bitterness. This means that the plan must change before you are unable to do any help.

At the meeting, ask each person to list what is working well, what could use improvement, and what new issues have come up - with your loved one as well as yourselves. The goal is to come up with solutions that work for everybody. This is not the time to "guilt trip" anybody or place unrealistic expectations on anybody. Make sure to address the need for each caregiver to have time off for their own health needs (extended illness) or for vacations (which is reasonable for every one). If need be, talk about paying for help if a person is unavailable and how that could work.

I also promised Dad that we would take care of Mom. And we did - by helping her move into a continuous care facility, and by hiring private care aides when she needed them. We called daily and visited often. When Mom needed hospice that changed to me coming daily to help with her care because I chose to. My sister came weekly, our brother monthly, because those were their choices based on their lives. It's time for you to make the right choice for yourself and your family. There are many ways to honor your father's memory and care for Mom, not just your sister's rules.

First thoughts.
1. What an amazing family!
2. That care plan is unsustainable.

How to convince...
By setting new, realistic boundaries for yourself. This will force your sister to reasses. Either do it all herself (silly) or hire non-family help.

Do you want to elaborate on the promise you made your Dad? Kinda sounds like that has been weaponised & used to manipulate you..?

Take two weeks off. Hire caregivers to come by on your morning and evening visits. You can hire them for 4 hour blocks.

Enjoy your vacation. Take care of yourself and your marriage.

"Sister, DH and I will be on vacation from ______ to ________. I've hired caregivers to do my morning and evening visits during this period."