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You will be homeless if Mom needs Medicaid for her care. Medicaid only allows one house to be exempt and its the one she lives in. All other property needs to be sold to pay for her care. To claim Caregiver, you must be living in her home and caregiving for 2 years to be able to claim caregiver thing to be able to remain in the home.

I think you need to see an elder lawyer to explain how this all works in your State. I am just giving u basics that a lawyer maybe able to work around. It needs to be an EL because they know Medicaid. Once you know your rights, you can make informed decisions concerning your life.
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You and your boyfriend live in his mother's house with your kids?
Here's an idea.
Why don't the two of you (your boyfriend and yourself) grow the h*ll up and figure out how to make a life and home for your family.
You are adults that made three children together. Time to move out.
No more stay-at-home mom business for you because you and your FAMILY can't afford it.

GET A JOB! If you have your own money, you get a seat at the table. When you don't work, then you are dependent on whatever table scraps you're thrown and must abide by whatever conditions come with them. Have some respect for yourself.

God help your kids if you and their father will allow them to grow up in such an unhealthy and dysfunctional home.

If the two of you work full-time, you will be able to move out of his mother's house. Then you will both be able to start living like normal, functioning adults. You and your partner can then make a healthy home to raise your kids in.

It's time to move. You and your partner have to be adults now and make a life together with your kids, or make one separate from each other. If you continue to live in his mom's house you will become the designated caregiver because you will be the one who's "there". For your own sake and your kids, don't be "there" anymore.
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
As I said It's a very complicated situation.. We do not live with his mother we live in a home that his mother owns.. We pay rent and all of the utilities. I was doing some side work during the school year while the kids were in school until she came home from the nursing home. My boyfriend works for the school district and makes really good money but with paying for her medical supplies that she needs that aren't covered by Medicare and buying groceries for 2 household's, it's a financial strain. I understand that maybe I should have probably suggested years ago that we move but what's the difference if we pay rent here anyways? He wanted to be close to his parents and I was ok with that. I am grown, I have always contributed to our finances even if it wasn't a lot or if it came out of my savings. I get that maybe the way I worded it made it sound like I am a mooch or whatever but, that's the farthest thing from the truth. I hoped that I would find kindness, understanding and good solid advice from compassionate people like myself but instead I am told to grow up.
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Very unhealthy relationship for the children & you. Your boyfriend's family is responsible for his mother, not you. I'm sorry but this situation will get worse. Hoping you can get away from this mess. You & your kids don't deserve living this way
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I agree with the message from ikdrymom that you all need to move out and stop being dependent on his mother. You are already at risk of loosing a place to live. Get out sooner rather than later and let her family deal with her. IMO that may be your future if something happens to her. It sounds like her family will insist on selling her house to take their share of inheritance.
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
Forcedcaregiver
1 min ago
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As I said It's a very complicated situation.. We do not live with his mother we live in a home that his mother owns.. We pay rent and all of the utilities. I was doing some side work during the school year while the kids were in school until she came home from the nursing home. My boyfriend works for the school district and makes really good money but with paying for her medical supplies that she needs that aren't covered by Medicare and buying groceries for 2 household's, it's a financial strain. I understand that maybe I should have probably suggested years ago that we move but what's the difference if we pay rent here anyways? He wanted to be close to his parents and I was ok with that. I am grown, I have always contributed to our finances even if it wasn't a lot or if it came out of my savings. I get that maybe the way I worded it made it sound like I am a mooch or whatever but, that's the farthest thing from the truth. I hoped that I would find kindness, understanding and good solid advice from compassionate people like myself but instead I am told to grow up.
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Tact isn't necessary; tell him you're not going to do it. He and the rest of the family need to care for this woman.
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Simple answer, the two of you move out with the kids and stop being financially dependent on this woman. Let her sell the house to pay for her care.
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
I'd like to add also that I have been buying all of her food and toiletries as well as clothing and anything else she asks me for. In addition to paying her home owners insurance lift van insurance and my boyfriend bought the lift van for her. I don't think we are the ones taking advantage of the situation.
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"After her sister left my boyfriend moved into her house, leaving me with our 3 children. He sleeps there at night but if she needs care through the night he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. Throughout the daytime hours my boyfriend works and I am with her, so are the kids. I can't leave the house to shop or even allow my children to have extracurricular activities because she can't be left alone. Two weeks into caring for her the doctor started two IV antibiotics that I became responsible for administering, "

and

" In addition my relationship with her son is falling apart."

I can't believe the nerve of your BF to call you and expect YOU to go over and attend to mil's nighttime needs! So YOU never get a decent night's sleep? That is a form of abuse.

You are totally dependent on your BF for support. Please don't accept slavery as the only way to live.
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
I've been completely dependent since our 2nd child was born. I quit working to be a SHM. The worst part of the entire situation is that he doesn't want to do the care either. In the beginning we both agreed that she would have to stay in the nursing home we were on the same page. It was at the time when her sibling brought her home and left that we decided to give it a try. I only decided to try because I love him. I've always been one that doesn't ask for help and I never complain. There are tons of ways this woman holds her care over my head. For instance, she owns my home. When I suggest a nursing home she tells me I'll be homeless. She does this to her son as well. When the hospital called to tell me she was being released and there was another IV and it's 24 hrs and needs monitored, I let them know that I was unwilling to do IV therapy anymore because I'm not trained to do it. As of right now she is in the nursing home. But come October 1st she is expecting to come home. I feel awful that I am not able to meet her needs. Usually the reason he calls me over is to change her depends, he is extremely squeamish, especially if it's not solid (it never is).
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'Tactful' has come and gone. It also implies you are either scared of your BF or already know he's going to give you grief.

When I stepped out of doing one second of CG for my DH's mom, I caught holy ****. He called me selfish, cruel, thoughtless, uncaring and I stood my ground. I had 2 kids still at home and many grandkids I wanted to enjoy--caring for his mother was awful as she was as mean to me as she could be. No matter what I did, it was wrong, stupid, useless, etc. I'd cry my eyes out on the ride home every single time I had to step in to do something for her.

I was not 'tactful' with DH because the time for tact had passed 15+ years prior. I just had to be tough. Not mean. Tough. I told DH he had to deal with his mom and I would support him in doing so, but I would no longer visit her or do anything hands on for her.

On some level he is still angry with me, but that's his choice.
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
It's more fear of his family. For years they have tried to separate us, I think because I don't follow their religion but to be honest I really don't know why they hate me so much. I have a horrible time with guilt and they all know that. In the beginning they tried to guilt me into taking care of her and I said no and stood my ground, until she was home and all alone, they knew I wouldn't have a choice. Before she came home from the nursing home they would schedule meetings during times that they knew that my boyfriend and I were unavailable to be there. And and it was during these meetings that they assured the nursing home that we would be there to take care of her and that we were willing to do it but we couldn't get there to sign the papers. When I finally did speak to the nursing home about this they let me know that they had told the nursing home staff she would have full time care and that they were going to be here as well. Of course they aren't, they don't come here to help and if they do come they don't perform care, they just visit and expect me to cook their meals and clean up as well. They even guilt me for the fact that I make her eat a heart healthy diet as she has had 2 heart attacks and has 6 stints and has CHF on top of the diabetes, the food is as bad as the nursing home they say. Honestly, that part makes me giggle a bit because she never complains about my cooking. If her family would help it wouldn't be so bad but they say they have lives and families and aren't willing to give it up. Our family situation is super complicated at best. I have been the one really not ready to marry, I fear marrying into his family and losing my own identity, I don't want to change my name and he wants me to, hyphenated isn't good enough.
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First of all, you cannot be criminally charged with neglect and abandonment because you are not responsible for your boyfriend's mother. Not only are you not her immediate family, you're not even a relative. This is a classic lie that nursing homes use to either shakedown a family to pay out of their own funds, or to get an unruly and abusive patient out of their facility. Still, you have no legal or moral responsibility to this woman.
Drop her off in a hospital ER. She needs professional care that you cannot provide and nor should you.
Secondly, you should kick her son to the curb and go find yourself a proper man. One who will have enough respect for you to make an honest woman of you. No decent man sires three children on a woman and she's still the 'girlfriend'. You deserve better than that.
The second your boyfriend finds your upgrade (and he will) you will be out in the cold and without a legal leg to stand on because you're not married. This means there are no division of marital assets and no alimony. You may get child support for your kids, or you may not depending on whether or not their father fights you to be the custodial parent they live with the majority of the time.
Move on with your life, sister. No part of this situation sounds like anything worth sticking around for. Not for you and not for your kids either. What kind of moral example is their father setting for them when he won't make a commitment to the woman he has three children with? What kind of example are you setting for your kids to see that their mother allows herself to be so demeaned and disrespected by their father and his mother?
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Forcedcaregiver Aug 2022
I agree that it's not an ideal situation to not be married, but that's me not him. I don't want to change my name and I am fearful of marrying into his family. For now she's in a nursing home, October 1st is her predicted release date but I have already let them know, I did so this morning, that I don't think home is the right place for her. I know that she's going to be angry with me but that's ok. I let my boyfriend know as well the discussion I had with the charge nurse and, surprisingly, he was relieved. I feel like reading all the replies I received last night kind of lit a fire under me.
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Get this into your head and never forget it. NOBODY CAN FORCE YOU TO BE A CAREGIVER. This situation is absolutely absurd and ridiculous. The caregiving duties were forced on you because you happened to be conveniently there. What you claim the NH told you is absolutely not true. You cannot be charged with "neglect or abandonment" unless you willfully agree to be responsible for her. I do feel sorry for you, and you absolutely have to put your children and yourself first. You have to decide if it is worth your relationship with your boyfriend or not. If it were me, I'd be out of there.
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At some point using TACT becomes irrelevant.
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I’ve come to find that couples who are together for years and never marry have one foot out the door. It’s way easier to walk out than it is to get a divorce.

You and your kids are not his priority. Move out and let him care for mother himself. When he finally figures out what is most important, then discuss your future together.
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So let me see if I have your situation straight...

Your boyfriend of 15 years, with whom you have 3 children, decided - without the courtesy of a discussion with you - to become the full-time caregiver to his mom who is a non-compliant paraplegic. And in addition, he expects when he calls you, that you drop whatever it is you're doing to trot on over to mom's house and do the parts of caregiving that he finds disagreeable?

I think the time for a "tactful" discussion came and went some time ago, wouldn't you agree?

Has he always been this disrespectful of you? Has he made any other major, life-changing decisions without discussion with you?

I would tell him point blank that, whether mom comes back to her home or is removed to a nursing home, you are done with ANY caregiving responsibilities for her...that if he chooses to bring her back to her home, he might as well move in there with her, because you will be unavailable to help and he will be unwelcome in your home...that you will be shutting off your phone at night and otherwise blocking his calls. When you say it, you must mean it, otherwise it's any empty threat. You have kids, you know how those work. It might mean the end of this relationship, but anyone who would show you such total disregard is not someone worth wasting one more minute with.

If he wants to shackle himself to his mother for the rest of her life being her caretaker, that doesn't mean you are required to wear the chains along with him.
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"Problem is, I don't want her to come home. I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide".

This.

You stepped up to help.
The care needs are increasing. It is now too much.
So another solution need to be found.
- just common sense

If you suspect guilting/pressure/arguing + more from boyfriend over this, side-step him on this matter for now.

YOU were providing the care - so YOU can quit. This will allow a NEW care plan for G'Ma. With MORE carers, probably NH. If this is needed - then it is needed. Again, common sense.

Is G'Ma is still in hospital?

If so, TODAY: call & arrange a meeting with the hospital social worker ASAP. Do not take no due to 'not a blood relative'. Explain you were the primary caregiver but cannot go on. Say it without any blame or feelings, just state what you did below;
"I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide".

Then stand firm.

No need to *tactfully* tell Boyfriend anything.
Tell him once it is done. That G'Ma needs a higher level of care - so it will be arranged.

You do not need his approval or permission. You may need the help of the social worker or even a women's councillor service though if things get tougher.
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Your been doing this since May. Let's face it if you had the stones you would have already told your boyfriend what you wrote here. The reason you don't is because you are scared of his reaction and scared you may have to end the relationship.

So here you are in a holding pattern hoping to god she is just sent to a nursing home from the hospital so you wont have to test your relationship.

I think you already know your boyfriend will choose mom over you.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
He has three kids with her and she is still the 'girlfriend'. This guy will end that relationship on a whim at any time. The OP making herself even more subservient to him by becoming a slave to his mother's care needs will not stop him from tossing her aside when the caregiving is done or when he finds her replacement.
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I agree with JoAnn; tell the hospital the woman is an unsafe discharge and that you cannot care for her at ALL b/c you have 3 small children to look after. You've been lied to from the get go, including by your own boyfriend who's saddled you with an UNREASONABLE amount of care required by his mother, with no discussion up front about it! No way, you're in way over your head and HE needs to step up and figure out how to keep mom in the SNF now permanently or how to bring in paid help FULL TIME for her at home. Which will affect you and his children in a negative way, and force him to get more jobs to pay for it!

I don't see how you can possibly salvage your relationship since he expects indentured servitude from you on behalf of his mother, including getting up with her in the night! And to take care of your 3 children at the same time. Your children are being neglected in the course of you being forced to care for his mother, which you did not sign up for in the first place. Have a Come to Jesus meeting with the man immediately, letting him know you plan to tell the hospital she's an UNSAFE DISCHARGE b/c you will NOT be caring for her at home for one more minute PERIOD. See what he has to say about that, and go from there. I would be livid if this were me and I was put into this situation to begin with. He has some nerve saddling you with this outrageous situation and NO you are not wrong for putting your children first! You are not a trained medical professional NOR were you on board with this 'assignment' you were given under FALSE PRETENSES (being told you'd be charged with criminal negligence & abandonment for someone you're not even RELATED TO ffs).

Please look after yourself and your children now, that's the most important thing you can do. IF and when your b/f comes around and says the right thing, including that he WILL place his mother in a nursing home under Medicaid, then you can think about whether or not you want to continue with this relationship. But I'd wait until she's actually LIVING in the nursing home first and not rely on cheap talk from him until it actually happens and she's out of the house permanently. This is way too much of a medical nightmare for you to handle; the woman needs professional care in a Skilled Nursing Facility moving forward.

Sometimes we have to ask the tough questions in a relationship and face the possibility of getting answers we don't want to hear. Why are you together for 15 years with 3 children and still unmarried? That's a question for you to answer yourself, not a forum of strangers. And why have you been scared to talk to your bf about this situation with his mother and are asking a forum what to do rather than him? A strong relationship should be able to bear the stress of all this. I hope yours can and does.

Best of luck.
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You are not obligated to care for her, that is pure **, they just wanted to get rid of her. Do not take her back in, the state will find a place for her.

Leave, inform your BF that you will not be party to this one more day.

In all cases your minor children come first. Your BF has his priorities all screwed up, don't you make the same mistake.
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Laws for elderly abandonment vary from state to state but YOU would never be charged with that because you are not responsible for her. She is no blood relation to you.

The first thing I would do is ask your boyfriend if he is prepared to find an alternative solution for her in a care home, which is where she belongs. If he says NO, you walk away. Your kids should be your (and his) priority. If he is not prepared to do that, you have no other option than to walk away.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Not only is she no blood relation to her, she isn't even related by law.
The OP has absolutely no tie to her boyfriend's mother.
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Leave.
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The NH lied to you. You aren't even related to this women and are not obligated to care for her. Even if you were her legal DIL you are not obligated. You tell the NH that they cannot release her because its an "unsafe discharge". That there is no one with her during the day. That you no longer can care for her since you have 3 children to care for. I really don't think you should be doing IVs. I thought only an RN could do it. Refuse to continue.

Then tell ur SO that Mom is more then you can handle because it takes a trained person to care for her. He is going to need to use any money and assets Mom has for her care and when depleted, he will have to apply for Medicaid. HE will need to do this because he is her son. You are going to need to take that chance or you will be caring for her. Tell ur SO that your children are a priority. They are entitled to lives.
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MJ1929 Aug 2022
She shouldn't be talking to the NH at all. She's not related to her.

This is 100% on the bedmate and his sister.
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You have to put your children first. It’s the first responsibility any parent has, and that includes their father.

Shes still living in her house, which can be sold.
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