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I have been caring for my boyfriend's mom since May 2022 and I NEVER agreed to do this. In 2019, my boyfriend's mom was in and out of the hospital for back pain. For months they focused on her kidneys. Unfortunately, it was a spinal infection that caused her spine to collapse and now she's a paraplegic. She was in the hospital for a few months and then transferred to the nursing home where she was noncompliant and verbally abusive to the staff. On May 1st, her sister brought her home and then left a week later. We only get a nurse twice a week for an hour and a bath aide twice a week. They stopped physical therapy because she isn't going to be able to meet her goal of being able to transfer. She doesn't have control of her bowels and doesn't have a colostomy, which I feel she needs. We have always had a very strained relationship and she has made it known that she doesn't like me and hasn't for the entirety of the 15 years her son and I have been together. After her sister left, my boyfriend moved into her house, leaving me with our 3 children. He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. Throughout the daytime hours, my boyfriend works and I am with her, so are the kids. I can't leave the house to shop or even allow my children to have extracurricular activities because she can't be left alone. Two weeks into caring for her, the doctor started two IV antibiotics that I became responsible for administering, I have ZERO medical training and I'm extremely uncomfortable with this. I also have a hard time transferring her with the hoyer because it's on carpet. Three weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital and they added in a 24hr IV of Lasik that has to be monitored. I told the hospital that I couldn't take care of her while she was still doing the IVs because it makes me uncomfortable performing that kind of care. I found a suitable nursing home for her for the 6-week duration of the IVs. Problem is, I don't want her to come home. I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide and her family is unwilling to help, even though they were the ones who brought her home and dumped her on us. It's becoming a financial strain on our family and my children now resent their grandma because they can't have friends over and they can't do extracurricular activities this year. In addition, my relationship with her son is falling apart. How do I gracefully bow out? Is there any way to do so and spare my 15-year relationship? Am I in the wrong for wanting to put myself and my children first? Is putting my mental and physical health first?



Just adding for clarification that I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment.

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Burnt, everyone knows how you feel about this situation, give it a break already for crying out loud. Sheesh!
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@BarbBrooklyn,

The OP admits to having a trust fund. Even if the boyfriend/baby-daddy and his mother throw her out she has resources and can get a place.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
She never said how much was in the trust fund, Burnt. You’re assuming that it’s enough to support three kids and herself, but that isn’t in evidence.
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I think you should seek the advice of a social worker and an attorney specializing in eldercare work. You want to make sure you operate within the law. Why would you be legally responsible for the lady's care? I don't understand if there was no family connection and if there is no legal document committing you to that role. I do not understand that. Advice from an attorney and an eldercare social worker would be crucial in this instance.
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One wonders if the ugly people on here with their antiquated matrimonial concepts would have reacted better to "SO", than they have "BF". How absolutely absurd, all this false outrage, in this day and age. Quite frankly, to all the Karens out there, no one has to get married in this day and age just to assuage your false moral outrage or your myopic religious beliefs..
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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
The fact is that marriage gives legal protections that this young woman needs right now. She has been used and abused by her SO and his family (the SO may be an ancillary vicitim here as well and just trying to do the best he can, but permit me to doubt that.)

Most of us don't care if they're married or not, just pointing out that if she WERE married, she wouldn't be out of the street with no means of support if she leaves.
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When was the last time Forcedcaregiver posted a response? I wonder if she is coming back? I know we'd like to know what happens on October 1, when BF's mother gets released from rehab.
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I think the person at the nursing home who told you, you would be arrested, is talking out their ---. Thar person is not the police. That person wouldn't have any idea of her living situation, once she left the home. That person just wanted you to get mil out immediately. So they could go on about their day. They didn't want to hear it. She was nasty at the home. They wanted mil gone. That's all that was.
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DianaGearhart Aug 2022
Hospitals try saying the same thing. My Mom knows her police chief well and he said that she would not go to jail if she had left my Step Father at the hospital. He had violent Alzheimer’s, heart failure, and a number of other health problems. The hospital qualified him for Hospice and then he passed in two weeks at home.
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Your boyfriends mother really does need to be in a nursing facility. Her health issues warrant so. I would take all the steps necessary with your boyfriend/companion to get her placed as soon as possible even if you have to look further out. It’s not your responsibility.
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I should add to my SOCIAL WORKER comment, it will be most helpful that this individual is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who is very familial with the issues in a total family dynamics picture, when a serious ongoing medical condition exists and patient appears non-compliant!
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In all 101 “answers” posted, including mine, you probably see there is no easy answer to your situation. So FCG,
COMMUNICATION, non-confrontational but direct, about
not only the “boyfriend’s” mother’s on-going health situation
but the ripple effect it is having on you, your shared children and your relationship together, is VITAL at this point. Get help in setting up such a CONVERSATION, so the facts as
you state are clearly set out with a social worker familiar with your boyfriend’s mother’s situation BEFORE she is
discharged back to an in-home situation. You ALL deserve better than what’s been going on, up to this point! Get a
plan of action set up that you can ALL agree upon.
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I'm not sure why Forced CG's marital status has weighed so heavily on the responses here. Especially since she herself seems to not have a problem with remaining unmarried.

And it's not like we haven't seen spouses do the same thing - only usually it works out that the LO who needs care is moved into the marital home, rather than spouse taking care of LO in LO's home. But often we see how spouse agrees to become a caregiver without the courtesy of a conversation with their partner. And often, as is the case with Forced CG, there is an unreasonable expectation of partner jumping into the caregiving breach right alongside the spouse willingly and without complaint.

In this case, remaining unmarried might turn out to be the smartest decision OP has made, because IF she chooses to remove herself from her situation, it will be much less complicated than a divorce would be.
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Grandmaofeight Aug 2022
I have no issue from an ethical point of view. If you think it is easier to extricate yourself from a relationship unmarried you would be wrong.

my sister shacked up with a guy, had a baby and put him on the deed if HER house. After 15 years and multiple taps on the equity her SO left and she was stuck with all the debt. A marriage license would have given her the right to go to court and he would have been responsible for helping to pay the debt.

courts recognize marriage a contractual union and as such both people have rights.

she did get the idiot to sign over the deed and she ended up having to sell the house.

the Mother in me wants to protect this woman and her kids. The kids would have rights in court as far as child support but she wouldn’t
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ForcedCG, you have received many responses, some advice is repetitive, and probably helpful for you to read that advice, albeit written in a different "voice". I hope that you have been able to take a breath, regroup, and take a different look at your situation. All to hopefully gain new perspective.

You have also been on the receiving end of some unbelievably ugly comments, that really do show the gaping flaws in a forum such as this. These are unavoidable I am afraid. I just encourage you to take from this WHAT YOU NEED, and what will help you in your current situation.

Please ignore the venom. As several kind folks have pointed out, it is NOBODY'S business what your marital status is--- nobody's. It is NOBODY'S business whether or not you have a trust fund. I think that you shared that information as a piece to the puzzle, to call off the wolves who were saying "grow the h*ll up and GET A JOB!" Which then led to lovely comments of "I don't feel sorry for her, she is playing the victim and martyr...don't feel sorry for her, she is rich as h*ll....."
Not to mention the total disrespect for the role that the FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. The only thing that has shut that train down is the fact that Peggy pointed out the well-respected contributor on these boards, Alva, is likewise not married to her partner. ForcedCG has pointed out she is not married BY HER CHOICE-- let it alone already....

Mymomsthebest, you hit the nail on the head in your comments directed at one vocal poster, "You somehow are angry at her for not standing up for herself ; which is likely what she came here to get the reassurance and support to achieve. Then you are more angry somehow that she has the financial means to help herself and her children in this situation . Now you continue on this thread to keep adding your resentful two cents , PERHAPS FORGETTING THAT THIS FORUM IS MEANT FOR HELPING OTHERS"

ForcedGC, I really do hope that as this thread continues, you continue to come back and absorb only the helpful comments-- and before someone jumps on this-- I do NOT mean ONLY those comments that are agreeable and will stroke her ego-- I mean those comments that are HELPFUL specific to her situation.
Leave the comments on trust funds, "baby-daddy", martyrdom, "make an honest woman out of her", etc etc out of this. SO not helpful, or relevant.
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Scampie1 Aug 2022
I didn't read through all of the comments, but some were not so pleasant to read. This is the first time I've seen this type of thing happen here on this forum since this is a support forum.

There are plenty of people in long term relationships who have children. Why they choose or chose not to marry is their business. Who are we to judge? I can understand her adding the part about the trust fund to shed light on her situation.

ForcedCG is at the crossroads where the majority of us eventually end up when it comes down to making a final decision of letting our loved-ones go in order to save ourselves. We make a decision to save our lives, marriages, children, homes, and sanity during the process. Sometimes we find ourselves trapped in situations out of family turning their backs on a family member and we step up. I remember what an advocate said to me years ago. She said that once we decide to give up, someone else will step up and fill the spot. Sometimes our loved ones pass on before they are placed in a long term facility. People who try to force us to take on the responsibility by guilting tripping us into not leaving are trying to protect their themselves out of their own guilt and fear. So, they project their feelings onto the person who is stuck in the situation and continue with their own lives. In other words, the person who is doing all of the work becomes the family scapegoat for family to dump and disparage.
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Just something I haven’t seen mentioned ..and I did read through all the replies — if she was ill and under treatment for months , with kidney disease as main diagnosis , but in error. Whilst ( wow I always wanted to use that word ) infection was in fact, ravaging her spinal system leaving her paralyzed . Now this says as paraplegic so I am unsure why she is confined to bed and can’t transfer , but I guess she is just not cooperating leading to a failure to regain what she should . Anyway..part of this does seem to be misdiagnosis and so unfortunately , the medical personnel might be partially to blame. This means you might get some compensation that would help his mother to pay for the care she requires. (Hurrah) . So I’d have BF look into that. I think his aunts also forced him into this situation ..thinking he and his gf could care for his mom. However your children , who it sounds like are still young , perhaps some in school some still preschool , deserve and need your attention ! When I was young my dads mom , in good health, came to live with us. That was how it was done , her older son had sold her home and she lived with him briefly then with his sister and finally with us . We had 3 bedrooms , six kids — totally disrupted our home and family . And she was not a loving grandmother AT ALL. So put yourself and family first. I think BF just needs to be onboard . The aunts likley putting you down for caregiver is why the NH felt you were to be caregiver and would be negligent if not accepting duties. Just have a firm and loving talk with BF - perhaps also with his aunts ..show how little time yiu were able to spend with kids and how much money you spent and how little sleep you got . Also how little time you spent together and daddy with kids . This should show why it can’t continue. Hopefully you kept receipts and can recoup your money spent on her. Please try. Don’t give up on your own family for his moms sake. But be considerate of each other. Also..he should be understanding of why you want to keep name ..and there are legal reasons to actually get married ..but don’t feel pressured into it if you truly don’t want to . Much like slavery and servitude ..forced marriage is also outdated.
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dkiely33 Aug 2022
"Forced marriage?" They have THREE kids together!!! If anyone should be married it's people with kids.
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Forcedcaregiver: This is absurd that you are caring for an individual who requires medical professionals and is alarming. This patient needs to be in a managed care facility with staff that have training to perform these things. Not to mention that it's outlandish that you are 'on call' for middle-of-the-night duty. This must be amended immediately.
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You are a nice girl to begin with, and he seems the type who uses those around him for tasks that most likely he would not do. The ride is over, mama has to go back to where she came from, your kids can do without the serious situation, and your fine self must exit in the most polite manner. This is a matter that must be embraced by all her next of kin. Boyfriend, or should I say ex boyfriend, must figure it out, and it is kind of funny in your account saying the nursing home staff confronted you directly, as if you have power of attorney? Criminal neglect and abandonment? Say What!? Are we missing something? Bye Bye Birdie, and hit the open road! Best of everything!
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First of all you absolutely positively did agreed to do this the minute you did it. That's the way that goes.

Your question - how do I tactfully tell my BF...?
You use the same language he uses. (Was he tactful w/you?)
He said in effect - "Here you go babe, plop".
You should've equally replied - "Back at you, no way".
You could've added "But let's find out together where she can be best cared for."

In a solid relationship there's no need to worry about talking.

It seems that this is a custom designed self distructive life you're living by your own doing. Look at the progression - Consenting to having a life long "boy" as your partner. And how sexy is that to have 3 kids with an irresponsible legally uncommitted "boyfriend". I'm gagging at that word. No woman wants a boy for the father of her children. Think of the lessons that are being picked up by your children, and now you allow yourself to be used to death?

Maybe you had bad examples in your life as a child. Maybe you're a liberated female. But there's no such thing especially with 4 children. Yes, I said four. You're hooked up with a mama's boy. If you had made vows you would know the part that says - "Let no man put asunder" which means even mama doesn't come between you.

Women's absolute job is to make sure they pick a good father/provider not a good stud.

It's great if a woman can help her man but you can't even help yourself and your children properly.

Practice any of these lines in any sequence you'd like -
- I wish I could but I can't. Here are some phone numbers. You must look for other options.
- This is hurting our children.
- I'm not equiped to take care of your mom inaddition to making a home and family life for you and our children.
- I'm being torn into ten pieces.

What the hospital told you is baloney. That's what they say to be able to dump her out. When someone tells you something that strikes fear into you, take a deep breath and tell them calmly that you need to see the rules in writing, and that you'll see who can legally help, and remember that you are not family or responsible.

You can tell them that you'll convey the message to a relative of hers, and walk the heck out. You've got to back off.

You ask - How to spare your 15 year relationship? Does he spare you? Get help from a social worker. Tell your "boyfriend" (jeez, does that make me shiver. Doesn't "boy" make you feel shame for him?) that he must grow up. One of you has got to become a take-charge adult.

You - Am I wrong to want to put myself and my children first?
H*LY CR*P if you can ask such a question you should never have had children. It is your duty. It is your job. You are The Mama Bear. If you have female children do you want them to live like you. If you have male children do you want them to not be honorable stand-up men that carry an equal if not heavier load. What happened to you that you think you have to ASK if you should protect your children, which means also ensuring that you are in the best condition, the best strong and determined mom for them?

Women are fighting to be captains of industry, military leaders, explorers and President and you are wondering if you should demand the most basic of consideration.

And this is hilarious and sad, you said "I told them that I feel uncomfortable…" for cripes sake jettison that phrase forever sweet pea, woman, mother of 4 boys, you're not a wimp, you cannot be a wimp. Uncomfortable? Woman up.

Calm as buddha, with all the right and justice on your side you say with blossoming heartfelt wisdom "I will not, I cannot do that. I'm a mother of several children and there's no way that I can provide the care this senior lady needs and give my children what they need."

Beside everything else are you not supervising your children, monitoring their homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, making them yummy lunches to take to school, taking them to museums, and reading to them?

Search online- How to pronounce NO.
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dkiely33 Aug 2022
THIS is the response she needs to hear. Blunt but absolutely nails it. Her husband sounds like a man-child (I want to use much stronger language) who is dumping this gigantic responsibility on his "girlfriend." Seems hubby isn't too concerned about the toll it is taking on his own kids.

ForcedCaregiver is doing the "Woah is me!" cry yet she volunteered for this AND won't put her foot down. She chooses to stay in a HIGHLY dysfunctional situation but wants pity for it when the only sane choice is to walk away. She acts like she is powerless and whines about being coerced by threat of lawsuit into being a forced caregiver. It's annoying at this point. She has NO blood or marital relation to the grandmother and is not a legal guardian so she has to stop using that nonsense as a crutch to play victim like there is a gun to her head forcing her to be a caregiver.

The bottom line is that she lacks the courage to make hard decisions and say NO. Until that changes she's going to be burdened with this disaster and her kids will suffer.
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No one bags on Alvas decision to not tie the knot with their partner or says Alvas relationship isn’t real. Let’s give OP the same courtesy.

OP, your mil probably has Medicare to pay for the nh, but that won’t last for long. If she does go into one permanently, the rental home you live in might be the first asset to go. Often, rental deals with family are far more lenient. If your bf is mostly supporting four ppl plus expenses for mil, I suspect this to be the case.

Running away with your children unannounced would be a bad move. Amber Alerts are issued for cases like this.

I think your best choice is

1. You get a job that will remove you both from mil and your children during the day. He is at work, so are you. If any one of your kids is a teenager, they can look after their sibs for a couple hours after school while you work.
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notgoodenough Aug 2022
Unless BF has *court-issued* main/sole custody of the kids, an Amber Alert would NOT be issued if OP left with the kids, because it wouldn't be considered a kidnapping or custodial interference case. Nor would there be the concern that OP might in some way harm the children. These are the considerations that are used to issue an Amber Alert.

Marriage doesn't only convey certain rights to the mom, it also extends those rights to dad. In this case, unless SO's boyfriend has already proactively been to court to sue for custody rights, OP can pack up those kids and move them wherever she chooses, and 99% of the time, the courts are loathe to interfere with that. Unless and until an order is issued otherwise, the courts will consider OP the primary custodial parent, and as such she can make decisions with the best interest of those kids in mind, including, but not limited to moving them elsewhere without BF's permission, or even his knowledge. Not illegal in even the broadest sense of the word.
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BurntCaregiver you are being quite harsh and you have no way of knowing how her trust fund works, or the amount. And frankly it’s none of your business. I worked 20 years in financial planning/insurance consulting. MOST folks who I’ve worked on set up trust funds for their kids allow only scheduled, periodic payments. They can continue that way for years,decades, even the recipient’s LIFETIME. And the amounts can be minimal, like spending money minimal unless they can prove financial need to the trustee

again, it’s none of our business.

how ‘bout you ease up on the assumptions and snarky, repetitive, comments on her financials?
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
@Michigan,

I know how trust funds work. They don't pay out with a handful of magic beans so the person can plant a beanstalk, climb it, then get the gold. Key word here is 'fund'. Fund = money.
They pay actual money. Actual money is accepted everywhere. This is what pays for things like a new home for a person and their kids if said person wants to exit a bad situation.
F.Y.I. in case you or the OP doesn't know, jobs pay in actual money too.
You know, I showed this thread to my better half and asked him about trust funds because he's a business/finance guy. He told me that people don't set up trust funds when it's small sums of money. That no, maybe there isn't millions of dollars set up for someone, but no one gets a trust fund for a few thousand dollars. The OP has free money. Money means freedom. Money means not having to live in a house owned by your baby-daddy's mother or be her caregiver.
As for her situation not being my business or anyone's for that matter, if you're putting your business out publically... there it is.
Why don't you try skipping over all the repetitive comments if don't care for reading them?
I'm pretty sure no one is propping your eyes open and forcing you to read them.
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You do not have to be tactful. You say to bf -
1. I am no longer able to care for your mother
expect bf to throw up objections
2. Caring for you mother is something I can no longer do.
expect bf to object more
3. I simply cannot care for your mom
expect bf to object
4. Go back to #1, repeat the sequence as needed

Do not be deterred. Repeat as needed. Bf may dump you but he is not much of a bf.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
“boyfriend” has the word “friend” in it. OP, he’s not treating you as a friend should.
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@JoAnn29,

For real Forcedcaregiver lives in a separate house from the boyfriend and he moved in with his mother?
Holy crap. The guy has three kids with her and won't even shack-up with her in the same house?
Thay girl needs to take her kids and walk away. Go searching for some greener pastures and all.
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Mymomsthebest Aug 2022
This OP seems to have hit a nerve with you. I am not sure why but taking your hostilities out on her is not fair. You somehow are angry at her for not standing up for herself ; which is likely What she came here to get the reassurance and support to achieve. Then you are more angry somehow that she has the financial means to help herself and her children in this situation . Now you continue on this thread to keep adding your resentful two cents , perhaps forgetting that this forum is meant for helping others and you are not . Please consider more fully your motives and if still unable to contain yourself simply refrain from further comments . Remember the Thumper rule - “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” in this case just substitute the word helpful. Thanks
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Re: "Am I in the wrong for wanting to put myself and my children first? Is putting my mental and physical health first?"

You have 3 kids and 15 years with a guy who won't put a ring on your finger and treats you literally as an unpaid nurse that he takes for granted and you're questioning whether to put yourself first??!?!?!?!

Re: He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. "

You don't have to - you choose to because you won't put your foot down. Why doesn't your boyfriend care for her?? Sounds like he is wimping out and happy to let you carry the load.

Re: " I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment."

How can you be charged if you're not her legal guardian or family?? Who told you this??

OH MY GOD. Girlfriend, I hate to say this but you're a doormat. *YOUR* inability to say No and draw boundaries is ruining your life (and now your kids lives too) and this is on you because the only one who can change this situation is you. I rarely say this here but girl, please get a BACKBONE!! Have this woman put into a facility where they can properly care for her and get on with your life!! Your kids deserve better than this.

Where do women get this messed-up martyr complex?? I would not become an unpaid nurse for a guy who would not marry me. Talk about not having to buy the cow AND getting the milk for free!
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
I won't be a caregiver again. I did that crap for 25 years. Recently my ex-husband and I have reconciled. We have discussed remarrying and likely will.
We are having a legal contract drawn up by a lawyer which will clearly state that we will have no family (other than our son) living with us for the purpose of caregiving or other wise. Neither one of us will relocate to a family member's home and make it our residence for the purpose of becoming live-in caregivers.
The one who will violate this contract may have to forfeit their share of the property. We haven't worked out the language yet.
This is how serious we are about not being roped into becoming family caregivers.
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That’s insane! Forget about the 15 yr. Relationship that’s done along time ago. The way he’s treating his mom. Ur being treated the same snd it will continue. I would go straight to a police dept and see is that true. I believe if u leave her while she’s with u. I would find out what to do on the other hand, I would wait till they take her to her next appointments after say u know she resides in her own home. just couldn’t come back. Your Boo is sorry! U could say drop her off at her place u r willing to come over 3 days out of the week. I’m sorry that’s not right how they playing. Again, u could get paid for taken care of her. One of them most likely collecting her checks already as family Fmla. I would contact an attorney. It’s really not right. If they respected u snd asked u as well as pay u that’s a different story the way there doing it it’s like u have to run away and stay away it’s sad to say. It’s causing u and ur kids problems. If he or they played as a team it could woke out bc u really seem like a loving good hard it person. It’s such a shame. When it’s there turn believe me their going to feel it.
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ForReal Aug 2022
I'd just call adult services and tell them that I am not any kind of relative who is reponsible for this woman, and they had better figure out how to help her.

This lady is clearly not obligated by law to do so.
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No is a complete sentence. What would boyfriend/partner do if the rolls were reversed and your parent needed 24/7 care?????????

Girl, you are a volunteer, not a victim. Call Adult Protective Services requesting a welfare check with the intent to place her in a nursing facility.

Hell no......................
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dkiely33 Aug 2022
Awesome answer. Even her screenname of "ForcedCaregiver" shows she thinks she is being forced when in reality she is not but playing victim.

Dear ForcedCaregiver, consult with an elder law attorney or free elder services (they do exist) and ask how to transition this woman to a care facility. You cannot be charged with neglect if you're not legally responsible for this woman.

If you let this woman into your home it's going to get even worse. Open your eyes please! Your boyfriend sees you as a free ride: babysitter, caregiver, medical help and he doesn't have to pay a dime while he can just sit back while you stress out. Unbelievable that you would tolerate this for yourself and your children.
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Connect with a local social worker and find out what your mother-in-law's (and you and your partner's) options are. In no way is she your sole responsibility, but she is in some ways your partner's responsibility. The social worker can clarify the legal responsibilities, but there is also the factor of the mother/son relationship. It does sound like she needs skilled nursing care in a facility where there are knowledgable professional staff and proper equipment. She is more than one person can handle on their own. Can she afford to hire in-home caregivers come to help you more? Can you get her on Medicaid if she has a low income? The social worker can help with these questions. She may have to sell her house to pay for her medical care. Can you tell your partner that you just don't have the expertise to care for her now that she needs a much higher level of skilled care. Do some advance legwork and try to find a nice place for her near your home so that your partner can visit her often. All the best to you and your family!
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Just say you have something to do and can’t make it.
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dkiely33 Aug 2022
The problem goes WAY deeper than her just saying "NO" once. She has a martyr and victim complex and the inability to say No - that should be obvious.
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Wow! Stick to your guns and refuse to take her back. Besides being a dangerous situation for her, you could be held responsible for anything going wrong medically. This whole situation is wrong. Your “boyfriend” needs to man up and protect and respect the family he created. He should not let you be abused by his non appreciative mother.

If his mom wasn’t so nasty to deal with then it would be a more complex situation, but given the circumstances I feel you owe her nothing more than you’ve already given. Trying to help the mother of your children’s father showed that you are a good person, but letting yourself be walked on by this woman and her family does not show your children how to deal with life. You tried, you gave a lot of time and effort and you put up with verbal abuse. You need to focus on your children and their well being. They are only children once. if your boyfriend wants to live with you then he should marry you and support the children he created. I think you’ve let yourself be backed into a corner. You need to do what it takes to get out.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
The OP in a previous post on this thread claimed that it is she who does not want to marry the boyfriend because he is evidently insistant that she take his last name but doesn't want to.
They don't live together. He ives in his mother's house and the OP lives nearby with their kids in a house that the mother also owns.
The OP also admits to having a trust fund. Which means she's flush with money and all she has to do is draw on it to get a new home for herself and kids.
So, it's not like she's really backed into a corner.
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Oh boy! Been there! If I were you? I'd pack myself and my children and get away from the manchild! Hopefully you have family or you have savings to do so. RUN! It's only going to get worse! Rooting for you!
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Tell your boyfriend you can't do it. Point out that you have tried your best, but her needs require more care than you can manage anymore. Just say it and then suggest he call her sister (or any other relatives) to figure out a plan for her. Then step back and let them work it out making it clear that you are not going to be the primary caregiver for them. As for your 15 year relationship with boyfriend, out of kindness to him perhaps you could participate somewhat to help him and the family. Even if they move her to facility care, be willing to go check on her because scary things can happen in facilities if no one is dropping by and staying for a while to observe
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Seems you outlined your issues pretty clearly here. Start with letting your boyfriend know that you love him and want to continue a relationship with him. Then, outline all the problems of caring for his mother. Ask him to work with you to find her the help she needs - probably in skilled care facility.
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Forcedcaregiver,

This woman isn’t really related to you beyond being your children ‘s grandmother.

The problems she appear insurmountable with all the other obligations you have.

You are under no obligation to take care of her as your children are your priority. If the hospital tells you that you can be charged with a crime, you respond by not accepting responsibility for her and informing them that they will need to find someone else or an organization or company to take care of her since she is not your relative or relation. You can provide a couple of names - your boyfriend and his sister as the responsible parties.

I would also not respond when your boyfriend asks you to come over to take care of her. He is there. He can do it.

This would be tough love. Surprisingly, this does work. When faced with having to do the work himself the boyfriend will agree to send his mother to a SNF.

My husband didn’t want to deal with his mother. She needed help and fought all the way. When it became evident that my MIL had burned all her bridges,DH, with his cousin, blew up at her and provided a united front that she would have to move to assisted or the police would take her in for a mental evaluation and she would end up in the state mental institution.

She accepted the move but was angry. She blamed DH and her nephew for what was her poor planning. She felt she deserved better, to be closer to family, to have best mother award, etc. when none of us could stand being with her or near her. She was lucky to keep her little dog.

DH had to be helped along to help her. He didn’t pay attention when my sisters and I were going through this (much easier since my parents were very cooperative). One still has to plan ahead. I provided help cleaning her house, finding attorneys, her assisted living, and other info. I asked him to ask certain questions. But I refuse to visit, do anything for her except write an occasional letter to her. She is doing herself in by refusing to move or walk around. So in the letters I tell her to keep it up since it will get her what she wants. It isn’t nice but when I encouraged her to get up, meet the other residents, participate in activities, etc, she refuses.
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NO, NO and NO ! This “boyfriend” of 15-years who you share 3 children with is putting his mother, with her needs
AND attitude, FIRST on his long list of responsibilities. You
and your 3 children are his responsibilities … your welfare
and raising those children should be FIRST on your list! This situation has not been working from the get-go, beginning with your first child and it’s only gone downhill, since you have no legal commitment to each other, beyond raising
these 3 children. Get some legal advice QUICK, since it does
sound like his mother’s health has gone from bad to worse,
along with her attitude! Sorry to say but with 15 years in, considering the current (and probably) future situation, I would cut my losses QUICK…best of luck to you & children🫤
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