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Wow, so many questions and comments! You guys are great. My parents bought our house in 1977; I never left. I want to live the rest of my life here, yes. You can read my other posts but I'm fairly secure now that, yes, I will be able to keep the house. My father was never a good father emotionally. He screamed, cursed, and beat me with his belt as a child. Only one time in my life did he hug me, kiss me, and/or tell me that he loved me and that was the first time he went insane in 2004 (also happened in 2005 and 2013). Despite that, he has always provided for us financially for which I am grateful. He worked hard at his job. But, he's never been happy. I've decided that's not for me, and I try hard to find happiness in my animals, the land, plants, and so on. My brother likes to belittle me all the time. We actually went on a day trip Friday to some water gardens which was lovely except for the fighting between him and his nasty wife. My brother is also obsessed with gay people. He'll say, "They're G-A-Y," and I'm like, "Why do I care?" We went in a mall, and he's telling me that a couple of women are gay, and which one do I want to date? I've never had a relationship with anyone and have always been attracted to men but he's always trying to goad me about things. He calls me "hopeless" and "homeless." Anyway, back to dad. He sees a psychiatric nurse every two months. Due to HIPPA laws and such, she won't speak to me. She prescribes the meds. She also gave him an order for blood work two weeks ago, and it's still sitting on his desk (which I cleared off a few months back as it was overflowing since he no longer deals with mail; I take care of all that now). I've told him that I can take him to get a hair cut (been 8 months) or to the doctor, and he gets agitated and says he doesn't need that. The last time he went insane, he said he was "cured" of diabetes that the meds gave it to him. Of course, now he's back on the meds (makes sense, huh?). He was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia two years ago but they said they couldn't separate dementia from bipolar or medication effects. The meds are part of the reason he does nothing but, if you'd seen him when he was hyper manic and psychotic, believe me, you'd much prefer the sedate version. I haven't examined my father or seen his feet (since my brother trimmed them two years ago). I've told my brother repeatedly to trim my father's nails. My father does his finger nails but not very well or very often. I've begged my brother to take him to get him a hair cut. Keep in mind that my brother lives 10 minutes away! And yes, when he said I was feeding my father poorly, I asked him when he was going to come over and cook him a meal or invite us to his house (we're not really welcome there). If my father dies, I won't miss him as he is but the father that he could have been. I see my brother hug, kiss, and play with his daughter and wish my father had done some of that. Being that I'm completely alone, it's harder to deal with things. I saw a therapist in 2010 (long story there!) but she said, "You are the most amazing person I have ever met." I've had a dozen other people also say that. Yet, none want to be my friend. So, it's me and the cats! Oh, and mom's advise? She was histrionic. She and my father detested one another, and yet most of their lives, they're all they had. They were married 50 years. She prayed for him to die almost daily for years. So, she'd say, "Put him away!" I don't always listen to my mother. A few other things. Dad used to snack all the time. Now, he hardly ever eats snacks. I take good care of my animals. The buns had their weekly bath (poopy butts) last night, and they are 9 and 10 years old. I have other animals, too many but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
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Zombie i won't ask if you are depressed because you would quite rightly say "Ya think"
I will ask if the house belongs to you or your father and will you be able or want to stay there after he has passed?
If you will be reaming why not think about getting some new pets maybe a couple of kittens or baby rabbits? They will be the future and the oldsters will pass in their own time.
Dad won't allow workers in the house but are there things you can do to brighten it up. Even if it is just your own bedroom, make some changes to the bedding, drapes etc or even a new coat of pain. Get the low VOC kind then dad won't even smell it. make it bright and cheerful,add some inexpensive candle and favorite scents. Play some soothing music of your choice.
As far as your Dad is concerned is he just old or does he have life threatening illnesses apart from the diabetes? Is he hiding anything from you like ulcers on his legs or a rotten toe? He is not seeing a Dr so is not having someone check for these things,
Fear is contagious. You know you are fearful and you think it is of death. Your mother's spirit is with you for a reason so try and listen to what she is telling you.
Try and ignore your brother. Guilt is probably guiding his remarks and he projects it on you by criticizing everything you are trying to do. Healthy meals don't have to be time consuming. Try and plan ahead rather than panicing on the way home from work and just grabbing some thing from the store. Write a menu for the week and include snacks for Dad to keep his sugar steady while you are at work.
Work on one small thing at a time don't try and tackle everything and reward yourself. perhaps todaypick up all the piles of paper in the living room and toss the garbage. When you have done that get on the computer and choose a new bedspred for your room. get those bunnies out and let them run around the room. They might like to be brushed as well or clip their claws to make sure they are not curling into their feet. They may be old and waiting for death but animals like to go on living to the very end. You have hit a rough patch but you don't need to accept it and mom is there to help you.
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Zombie, you are in a very difficult situation. I think you are coping well considering what is on your plate.

I disagree about goading your brother. Try to let his suggestions roll off your back. Why does your brother know what you feed Dad? Why spend a moment of time thinking about the exercise your brother thinks your father needs? The main thing your brother can do is cause trouble. Worse case could he contact authorities? As they say If you see trouble coming, cross the street.

I am new to communication with spirits like your mom.She helped with your UTI. Is there a way she can help with your Dad? Like if you wrote two ideas on a chalkboard she could let you know which would be best? Or if you wrote down ideas and put them in a hat, she could guide you to the better option? I consider you very lucky to have your mother's ghost.

Feel better!
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You are right, your brother shows signs of bipolar disorder, and your situation is fully understandable. If you think that your father is going to die, can you get some objective outside help, even hospice to come in? Let the consequences of that action lie where it will. That means, if he freaks out over someone trying to get him some help, he might end up in a hospital for observation. Can be a good thing. Reading your comments, will check back with you soon.
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Start planning how you are going to detach with love from your critical brother after your father has died.
You will feel better after the UTI has cleared, in the meantime, don't worry if you think you are losing it (common with a UTI).
Feel better soon, get some rest.
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You have several challenging issues raised in your post.

1. Waiting for death - for me, I try to see it as a normal eventual consequence of living, albeit a very sad occasion. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of us live forever. When we do go, I think it would be ideal if it's as peaceful as possible. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your father and your pets will eventually leave you; there's no way you can prevent it. But allowing it to become a dominant factor will wear you down mentally.

2. A First Nation woman I met through a quilting forum told me when I thought my sister was dying that if I thought she was, what would I want to say to her in the event she died shortly. She was suggesting acceptance, say what might be final goodbyes, and don't regret not having the chance to say them because I couldn't or wouldn't accept the reality of the situation.

3. With your pets, think of how they've enriched your life, and how you want them be as healthy as they can. But once they've reached the stage that they're not, you don't want them to suffer.

4. I do think that it's not unusual to be frightened when a situation occurs that suggests someone has died; I think that would be a normal reaction.

5. The next time your brother suggests your father eat fish and Chinese broccoli, turn the tables on him and ask when he'll be able to fix and bring it for your father.

6. Sure your father should exercise, but how can you force him? Again, suggest to your brother that he plan to come over regularly and exercise with your father.

7. Your brother probably knows he can upset you with criticism; recognize that and see him for who and what he is. Just keep throwing his suggestions right back at him.

8. You could also push your brother a little and ask him for a caregiving schedule so you know when he'll be over and you can take some respite time.

9. Definitely get your father to a doctor as soon as you can, although he's obviously not going to be very cooperative. Who prescribes his diabetes meds? Is he seeing that doctor regularly? Would it work if you tricked him by telling he's going someplace else? Is he taking any meds for his bi-polar condition?

10. I do see similarities in your brother's and father's behavior - manipulative and uncooperative. That may be their personalities, and I doubt they're going to change, but recognize it for what it is and try not to let it wear you down mentally. There's only so much you can do for your father.

And ask yourself if it's possible to change their attitudes. If it's not, don't blame yourself for their behavior and lack of cooperation.

11. How to live for today? Work on recognizing the situation as it is, define what you CAN and can't do and what you will and won't do - don't push yourself to try to change someone who's uncooperative and stubborn.

12. Take more time for yourself; the house and yard chores possibly could be done less regularly. Is your father living in your home or vice versa? If the former, is he contributing financially to his care? If so, can you hire some of the chores, such as the yard work, to be done by others to minimize the time you spend on them?

As to the house chores, they'll still be there tomorrow, and the next day and the days thereafter. Your sanity might not be, so take breaks when you need to and recognize that the chores aren't so important that they take priority over your mental and physical health.


I think the situation you're in is one many caregivers face - overwhelmed, trying to balance between a uncooperative parent, critical sibling, managing work, and trying not to be dragged down into a whirlpool of events and people beyond your control.
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I pray a lot! Every day several times a day that God gives me some healthy time with her befor he takes her from me. I pray that she gets to enjoy the suite that we are building onto the house before she dies. I pray that she doesn't die in a hospital because I am so sick of them. I pray that whatever the latest health crisis is short and doesn't require hospitalization or rehab.
My mom is 90 and for the most part pretty with it. There are the repeated stories and forgetting to tell me stuff, but I don't mind. I will miss her terribly when she does pass, but I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it without chewing out any of my sister-in-laws or her church friends who have used her for years. I pray but I am still afraid of that day when he chest does not rise in a steady rhythm because it will be the day I will lose my best friend.
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Does your brother help you with your father? If not, I have the perfect answer for him when he criticizes you. Tell him that you can no more get your father to do xyz than you can get HIM (your brother) to help. Siblings are often free with their criticism, but not with their time.

I do think you need to get him to a doctor, given that he has diabetes and bipolar disorder. How has he been managing these things? Something you can do is check for geriatric clinics at your local hospitals, then personally schedule an appointment for him. People with dementia are not very good at scheduling their own appointments or letting you know they scheduled them. If you had a doctor on your side, you would probably feel better. And your father might, too.

I don't know if there is a way we can stop thinking about death. We are surrounded by it. I know sometimes I look at my mother. She looks so peaceful that I wonder for a moment if she is still breathing. I believe that it is constantly in our minds when we care for old people (or old and sick animals).

Love that you have rabbits. Me, too.
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