How do I stop waiting for death?

You have several challenging issues raised in your post.

1. Waiting for death - for me, I try to see it as a normal eventual consequence of living, albeit a very sad occasion. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of us live forever. When we do go, I think it would be ideal if it's as peaceful as possible. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your father and your pets will eventually leave you; there's no way you can prevent it. But allowing it to become a dominant factor will wear you down mentally.

2. A First Nation woman I met through a quilting forum told me when I thought my sister was dying that if I thought she was, what would I want to say to her in the event she died shortly. She was suggesting acceptance, say what might be final goodbyes, and don't regret not having the chance to say them because I couldn't or wouldn't accept the reality of the situation.

3. With your pets, think of how they've enriched your life, and how you want them be as healthy as they can. But once they've reached the stage that they're not, you don't want them to suffer.

4. I do think that it's not unusual to be frightened when a situation occurs that suggests someone has died; I think that would be a normal reaction.

5. The next time your brother suggests your father eat fish and Chinese broccoli, turn the tables on him and ask when he'll be able to fix and bring it for your father.

6. Sure your father should exercise, but how can you force him? Again, suggest to your brother that he plan to come over regularly and exercise with your father.

7. Your brother probably knows he can upset you with criticism; recognize that and see him for who and what he is. Just keep throwing his suggestions right back at him.

8. You could also push your brother a little and ask him for a caregiving schedule so you know when he'll be over and you can take some respite time.

9. Definitely get your father to a doctor as soon as you can, although he's obviously not going to be very cooperative. Who prescribes his diabetes meds? Is he seeing that doctor regularly? Would it work if you tricked him by telling he's going someplace else? Is he taking any meds for his bi-polar condition?

10. I do see similarities in your brother's and father's behavior - manipulative and uncooperative. That may be their personalities, and I doubt they're going to change, but recognize it for what it is and try not to let it wear you down mentally. There's only so much you can do for your father.

And ask yourself if it's possible to change their attitudes. If it's not, don't blame yourself for their behavior and lack of cooperation.

11. How to live for today? Work on recognizing the situation as it is, define what you CAN and can't do and what you will and won't do - don't push yourself to try to change someone who's uncooperative and stubborn.

12. Take more time for yourself; the house and yard chores possibly could be done less regularly. Is your father living in your home or vice versa? If the former, is he contributing financially to his care? If so, can you hire some of the chores, such as the yard work, to be done by others to minimize the time you spend on them?

As to the house chores, they'll still be there tomorrow, and the next day and the days thereafter. Your sanity might not be, so take breaks when you need to and recognize that the chores aren't so important that they take priority over your mental and physical health.


I think the situation you're in is one many caregivers face - overwhelmed, trying to balance between a uncooperative parent, critical sibling, managing work, and trying not to be dragged down into a whirlpool of events and people beyond your control.

Does your brother help you with your father? If not, I have the perfect answer for him when he criticizes you. Tell him that you can no more get your father to do xyz than you can get HIM (your brother) to help. Siblings are often free with their criticism, but not with their time.

I do think you need to get him to a doctor, given that he has diabetes and bipolar disorder. How has he been managing these things? Something you can do is check for geriatric clinics at your local hospitals, then personally schedule an appointment for him. People with dementia are not very good at scheduling their own appointments or letting you know they scheduled them. If you had a doctor on your side, you would probably feel better. And your father might, too.

I don't know if there is a way we can stop thinking about death. We are surrounded by it. I know sometimes I look at my mother. She looks so peaceful that I wonder for a moment if she is still breathing. I believe that it is constantly in our minds when we care for old people (or old and sick animals).

Love that you have rabbits. Me, too.

Zombie i won't ask if you are depressed because you would quite rightly say "Ya think"
I will ask if the house belongs to you or your father and will you be able or want to stay there after he has passed?
If you will be reaming why not think about getting some new pets maybe a couple of kittens or baby rabbits? They will be the future and the oldsters will pass in their own time.
Dad won't allow workers in the house but are there things you can do to brighten it up. Even if it is just your own bedroom, make some changes to the bedding, drapes etc or even a new coat of pain. Get the low VOC kind then dad won't even smell it. make it bright and cheerful,add some inexpensive candle and favorite scents. Play some soothing music of your choice.
As far as your Dad is concerned is he just old or does he have life threatening illnesses apart from the diabetes? Is he hiding anything from you like ulcers on his legs or a rotten toe? He is not seeing a Dr so is not having someone check for these things,
Fear is contagious. You know you are fearful and you think it is of death. Your mother's spirit is with you for a reason so try and listen to what she is telling you.
Try and ignore your brother. Guilt is probably guiding his remarks and he projects it on you by criticizing everything you are trying to do. Healthy meals don't have to be time consuming. Try and plan ahead rather than panicing on the way home from work and just grabbing some thing from the store. Write a menu for the week and include snacks for Dad to keep his sugar steady while you are at work.
Work on one small thing at a time don't try and tackle everything and reward yourself. perhaps todaypick up all the piles of paper in the living room and toss the garbage. When you have done that get on the computer and choose a new bedspred for your room. get those bunnies out and let them run around the room. They might like to be brushed as well or clip their claws to make sure they are not curling into their feet. They may be old and waiting for death but animals like to go on living to the very end. You have hit a rough patch but you don't need to accept it and mom is there to help you.

"I have to make him dinner. I cook for him almost every time he comes over".

And there you have in your own words an excellent insight into the relationship with your brother and why he treats you with disrespect.

I so understand what you mean. My father is 90 and mother 86. I hear regularly how they wish they were dead (pain, boredom, mom watching dad lose his memory, etc). I live in a town where over 80% are retired, so ambulance and first responders are known on a first name basis. And I currently deal on an unfortunately regular basis with death as I run a small center for geriatric and infirm birds. Death everywhere I look.
It frequently gets me down. Sometimes I wonder how I can escape back to the world of the living.
Then, I shake it off, regroup and keep on going. (not easy I know) The only thing that seems to save me is 3 am to 5 am when I allow myself to think of all good things. (I don't sleep 'well', but I dont have time to stress about that either) I take this time to think of, read and look for good/inspirational things over a lovely cup of tea. Its a small thing but for me it helps to have that time to think of life, not death. I cant let it be my focus. All around me are those who are suffering, hurt and afraid, I try hard to provide light and inspiration for them.
From your post it sounds like you are treating your father well. We can only do what we can do. Be proud of your contribution, he wouldnt have it without you. If your brother wants more done let him do it. When my sisters start in on what I should or should not be doing, I have to say to myself, thanks for you opinion, unless you are willing to live here and do this, you do not have the big picture. You think you can do better, let me know and I will move on in my life. No takers so far.
I found this site on one one my mornings and find it helps so much hearing of other peoples experiences and ideas. (Thank you to all contributors) I hope I have helped a little bit, if nothing else to let you know you are not alone.

Start planning how you are going to detach with love from your critical brother after your father has died.
You will feel better after the UTI has cleared, in the meantime, don't worry if you think you are losing it (common with a UTI).
Feel better soon, get some rest.

Wow, so many questions and comments! You guys are great. My parents bought our house in 1977; I never left. I want to live the rest of my life here, yes. You can read my other posts but I'm fairly secure now that, yes, I will be able to keep the house. My father was never a good father emotionally. He screamed, cursed, and beat me with his belt as a child. Only one time in my life did he hug me, kiss me, and/or tell me that he loved me and that was the first time he went insane in 2004 (also happened in 2005 and 2013). Despite that, he has always provided for us financially for which I am grateful. He worked hard at his job. But, he's never been happy. I've decided that's not for me, and I try hard to find happiness in my animals, the land, plants, and so on. My brother likes to belittle me all the time. We actually went on a day trip Friday to some water gardens which was lovely except for the fighting between him and his nasty wife. My brother is also obsessed with gay people. He'll say, "They're G-A-Y," and I'm like, "Why do I care?" We went in a mall, and he's telling me that a couple of women are gay, and which one do I want to date? I've never had a relationship with anyone and have always been attracted to men but he's always trying to goad me about things. He calls me "hopeless" and "homeless." Anyway, back to dad. He sees a psychiatric nurse every two months. Due to HIPPA laws and such, she won't speak to me. She prescribes the meds. She also gave him an order for blood work two weeks ago, and it's still sitting on his desk (which I cleared off a few months back as it was overflowing since he no longer deals with mail; I take care of all that now). I've told him that I can take him to get a hair cut (been 8 months) or to the doctor, and he gets agitated and says he doesn't need that. The last time he went insane, he said he was "cured" of diabetes that the meds gave it to him. Of course, now he's back on the meds (makes sense, huh?). He was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia two years ago but they said they couldn't separate dementia from bipolar or medication effects. The meds are part of the reason he does nothing but, if you'd seen him when he was hyper manic and psychotic, believe me, you'd much prefer the sedate version. I haven't examined my father or seen his feet (since my brother trimmed them two years ago). I've told my brother repeatedly to trim my father's nails. My father does his finger nails but not very well or very often. I've begged my brother to take him to get him a hair cut. Keep in mind that my brother lives 10 minutes away! And yes, when he said I was feeding my father poorly, I asked him when he was going to come over and cook him a meal or invite us to his house (we're not really welcome there). If my father dies, I won't miss him as he is but the father that he could have been. I see my brother hug, kiss, and play with his daughter and wish my father had done some of that. Being that I'm completely alone, it's harder to deal with things. I saw a therapist in 2010 (long story there!) but she said, "You are the most amazing person I have ever met." I've had a dozen other people also say that. Yet, none want to be my friend. So, it's me and the cats! Oh, and mom's advise? She was histrionic. She and my father detested one another, and yet most of their lives, they're all they had. They were married 50 years. She prayed for him to die almost daily for years. So, she'd say, "Put him away!" I don't always listen to my mother. A few other things. Dad used to snack all the time. Now, he hardly ever eats snacks. I take good care of my animals. The buns had their weekly bath (poopy butts) last night, and they are 9 and 10 years old. I have other animals, too many but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Zombie the bottom line is that you can't force anyone to do anything. Do either you or your brother have POA? Apart from his health issues I'd be very concerned about his foot care as his toenails may be so long now his feet hurt and that's why he won't move about. Sounds like he's not going to change and neither is your brother. Is there a social services agency is your area you could perhaps call and/or meet with to get some help and advice? Things can't go on as they are and at least it would be a start, having an outsider, a third party so to speak, to talk to and get some ideas of what might be done to help your situation..

You write that you've lived in the house all your life and have no friends and I wonder if your fear is of being alone when someone or something passes away.

I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for my mother for four years (parkinsons, dementia and many strokes) until it became impossible to do it alone 24/7/365 and she went into a lovely nursing home. She's been there 2.5 years now and is close to the end of her time. She's always refused lunch, only going to breakfast and supper.

I volunteer in the physio dept of the local hospital once a week and last week we worked with a lady ... in for possible gall stones ... who shares the dining room table with my mother. She's sharp as a tack and confirmed that at meals my mother will take a bite or two then refuse to eat any more. Though I take her apple juice and the NH provides protein shakes she's not been drinking much either.. At this point she weighs far less than my big dog.

When I visited a couple of days ago her cheeks were gone, face sunken in and wild eyes staring off into the distance. Though barely able to speak, she said "I'm dying, everything is so different" before falling back to sleep..

Let's say she's not been the nicest of humans and I spent a life time avoiding her, only giving up my life to care for her out of duty. Interestingly she wouldn't lift a finger to help her parents and doesn't even know where, or if they were buried. I will not visit again as it brings back all the evil she has done to me and my poor late father, along with anyone else who dared cross her path, life long and it unhinges me. In accordance with her wishes, when she passes I'll have her cremated and spread her ashes in a park near her former home. I don't know what I feel right about now ... edgy, stomach banging, just waiting day by day for "that" phone call.

I know just how much our animals mean to us and I prefer mine to most people. I live out in the country now with 2 rescue dogs, 4 cats (the Mouse Squad) and an old goldfish called Ralph and I'm working on building a new life. It's a bumpy road, but never give up!

Look here to find some help http://msa.maryland.gov/msa/mdmanual/01glance/html/social.html or here http://www.yellowpages.com/marriottsville-md/social-service-organizations. Good luck!

Ash

I have had similar feelings about death and waiting for it with my mom. But I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time one moment at a time accepting hardships as a pathway to peace. I hope this helps. Sending hugs to you.

Zombie, I know it sounds trite but just do it. My father was sort of like yours. He totally and completely ignored his health and pretended everything was fine even when it was obvious that he was anything but. The torture he put my mother through was something it took me a long, long time to forgive. When he finally ended up in the ER (after attempting to escape from the ambulance while being transported) it was a genuine relief, as I dreaded stopping over there to find him dead on the floor while my mom was out doing whatever and trying to lead a regular life. I took the same approach she had to, that if he refused to care we couldn't care for him.

Do what you can but don't stop living your own life. Caring for my mother is a whole different thing as she actually tries and fights for her health. If things went the other way around and he outlived her I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to put him in a home, as cruel as that may sound.