How do I stop my potentially violent brother from preventing my Dad from using the bathroom?

Just because your mom won't call.........that doesn't mean YOU can't call. it is time to get social services involved. This situation is only going to get worse. Is your bro on meds for OCD? doesn he go to therapy?
Please don't move out just yet. Try to get otuside help for the situation. I know how horrible it can be when family tries to take care of things.... the only answer is OUTSIDE help. There is too much history, too many fights, feelings, resentment, etc. for you four to work it out. Good luck finding the right person/agency to help!

The bad news is, this situation is impossible and can't go on without a crisis occurring eventually. The good news is, the crisis will trigger change. What you need to do is first and foremost make sure that you are safe. Your brother is mentally disabled, your mother is enmeshed in the situation in way that she can't keep up, and your father is demented. If you get hurt, there's nobody. And anyway it's your most profound responsibility not to become another victim, yourself, of this situation. Step back and spend some time thinking about how to stay safe and sane. If you want to help, keep researching services and sounding the alarm, so that these services are identified and standing by when your family members are finally forced to permit them into the picture. What will force it is some kind of train wreck, and it's pretty horrible to wait for a train wreck, but sometimes we have to recognize that we can't prevent train wrecks by ourself. And DO please make sure it's not you that gets hit by the train.

Your poor brother. To be dealt a hand of mental handicaps and then to have a parent who is not preparing him to be as independent and integrated into society as he can be -- an awful double whammy. I hope you can find loving actions to take on his behalf, without putting yourself in danger.

Your poor mother. Having two sons with cognitive/mental/emotional impairments is a huge emotional burden. Having lost one of those sons it is perhaps understandable she is in denial about the other. But that isn't good for her or for him. I hope you can take the steps that need to be taken without losing compassion for her. She is making matters worse, but not intentionally.

Your poor father. One son dead, one son cognitively impaired to the point he is dangerous, and a wife in denial. And it sounds like this has been going on for years.

And poor you! You are the ray of hope in this dismal picture. You can only do your best, and that may not be enough to fully overcome the complicated dysfunction in this picture. But your best can make a difference. Your love can change things. They are all lucky to have you on their sides, even if they don't recognize that.

Protect yourself. You can't help anybody from a hospital bed. But keep up the good fight. Right now it is you or nobody ... but work to change that so that you are coordinating a team of people working to make life better for all involved.

Has your brother ever worked with an independent living center? ILCs work with people with disabilities (the full spectrum from profound developmental and intellectual disabilities to newly injured) to help them live independently. This can include life skills training, employment support, benefits assistance, counseling, social work, etc. They can help your brother AND your parents. Head to ILRU dot org to look up ILCs in your state.

Call "Adult Protective Services" in your area. NOW....

Call Adult Protective Services. One concern is that your mother is preventing your brother from receiving appropriate care which might be considered abuse of a disabled person especially if a doctor has recommended medications and/or treatment in the past and she has prevented him from doing that. The state or county could take over guardianship of your brother, and seek placement in a specialized type of home environment. ARC is the organization that usually helps people sort through these issues, you could also contact them to get an idea of what is out there. But in any case, keep reporting incidents to APS.

The other is that your brother is a danger to you and your father, and is preventing your father from using the bathroom. This might be considered elder abuse. You could become your father's POA if he would like that. Again, continue to report incidents between your brother and father. Have them explain which types you should report. Individually they may not be significant enough to create protective investigation, but collectively they might.

Where I live the county has an agency for intellectually impaired, I don't remember if there is an age limit, but if there is then the individual with a mental illness also would be managed by a mental illness related department, probably still in the county of residence.

I would call APS and report that your father is being endangered by Brother. If they don't take action, I would call local political officials and ask for their help. You could also walk away with your father and leave mom and brother to flounder without you; that would precipitate a crisis sooner. Because that's what you want...a crisis. Depending upon your state, you might be able to get your mom involuntarily committed for a psychiatric evaluation; leave with Dad and then brother would be left to his own devices and THAT would eventually precipitate a crisis. I'm SO sorry that you are dealing with this. Please take care of yourself.

Videotape his assault on Dad with your cellphone. Call 911. Play the video for them. Pictures don't lie.

Does your brother have a doctor he sees? It is my understanding that people with Down's Syndrome are at a very high risk for developing dementia early in life (40s, if I recall correctly). It may be that your brother has two problems now, rather than "just" the retardation. Could you get him evaluated for dementia? If you aren't able to get him to the doctor, research the connection between retardation and dementia, then talk to the doctor yourself. Doesn't brother have a legal guardian who can get him placed elsewhere? If mom is the guardian or there is none, I suggest you get one in place in and get him placed pronto. He is a danger to all around him. Try contacting an organization that deals with the mentally retarded for advice on guardianship and a lawyer knowledgeable about this type of situation. You are not alone in facing a strong violent retarded family member. I've seen a 9 year old girl who tried to drown her sister. Don't try to set up a situation in which you then call the cops....the situation will happen on its own eventually. Just know what to do then during the emergency. Keep your cell phone on you, remove any firearms now. Do you need to restrict access to knives, etc? It will be hard to find a solution. You may also need to have mom evaluated. She may need some antidepressant medication and counseling, or a psych/neurological exam herself. Good Luck and don't delay.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I am pouring over them several times so i can hopefully integrate them for a next step. BTW, brother is not Downs. He has vision and hearing problems and acts OCD and autistic, but is high fumctioning, around 70 IQ. I agree that professionals need to be involved but my mothers denial is a huge barrier to them helping, until there is a crisis. Thank you for affirming my fears of said crisis while giving me advice on dealing with it. I wish there were other family members to help, but there are not. My only other brother died in 2004 at 49 from complications of diabetes and schizophrenia (not a good combo). So its me or nobody, and after many years of avoiding it i have finally understood that i must try to do my best for them to feel right about my own life. I feel it is Gods will that i do my best. Of course I'd much rather survive the crisis so i appreciate your suggestions for my safety. If you have any more thoughts please continue to tell me, and i wish you the best in whatever you are facing in your own life. :-)