How do I stop mom’s politically incorrect mouth?

She is who she is. You will not be able to stop her from having her personality or opinions. However, you can talk to your kids about her behavior and how they feel. You can also work to change the subject when she gets on her soap box. If she is resistant, you and the family can move to another room for a short "time out" to let tempers cool. If you find her behavior is causing major disruptions in the relationships with your children and/or spouse, it might be wisest to help her find another place to live.

Are your children literally young adults? College age? Or at least close to it?

Because at that age, the lesson to be learned is that one has to coexist with people whose political values differ. Rather than absorb this, I saw anecdotes every day from young people about how they’re refusing to go to Thanksgiving if there was a Trump supporter/pro lifer etc. at the table. I am neither of these things but I learned back then, and absolutely had to, that politics is just their view of the world, they have the exact same vote.

How do your children feel, do they want Grandma to go?

Wanta know what friends called my critical, political late mother? Diarrhea of the mouth.

She had bipolar mental illness and was rude to everyone, including me.

Grateful1too: It may be hard to change her ways if she's always been this way. However, it is your house and she shouldn't be spouting off her thoughts/beliefs.

Misogynistic ways i would not tolerate, especially if you have kids or even young adults and they still forming their opinions, or are more confused than ever re: women’s appearance, roles etc. How many still feel not happy with their bodies, appearance?
So maybe tell Mom gently( or not so gently): to stop that, it is harmful, on the other hand maybe redirect kids to completely different views of becoming totally confident female or respectful male.

It is your house and if she is making you miserable by being there, I think she needs to find different living arrangements. I am not always comfortable at my in-laws house because of their political beliefs, but it is their house and when I get uncomfortable, I leave. Same with my husband and my folks (and most of my friends), but we are both respectful about it, and so are our kids. Do your kids have good memories of their grandmother? Is this changing some of those feelings? That would be sad, so maybe less time together might result in more quality time when you are together.

Teach your children to say kindly and cheerfully "can't quite agree with you there, Grandma."

If your mother thinks she's perfect, let her be. Doesn't mean everyone else has to think so. You certainly don't, do you?

Everyone is an adult in the group, so have a group meeting with a Geriatric Psychologist or Psychiatrist. Everyone in the group should understand that they have the right to stay or go, but if you want everyone in the room to have the same opinions and perspective, that sounds like a "group think" cult.

You don't have to live this way if you're willing to change. Be aware, your polite adult children will eventually go out in the world where they'll need to work with people of different views and experiences: rude and polite.

Do you have a plan for change?

I think the best thing you can do for your kids is to encourage them to express their own opinions, respectfully disagree with her if that’s how they feel. They are likely to encounter other people like your mom (a boss maybe?) . Trying to shelter them does them no favors. And if mom isn’t happy? Well there’s always the nursing home, lol. As long as they keep it RESPECTFUL. Rudeness would be wrong, even if she’s rude.

You can't change your mother; you can only change how you respond to her; if her behavior is damaging to your household she needs to be told to find other living arrangements, and you will help ensure she is safe and comfortable. It's the old 'oil and water' situation, simple incompatibility; you may not have had a choice when growing up in her household, but you have a choice now in your own home. The mental health of your children and yourself come first in your own home.

As we age we are no longer afraid of the fallout of what we say. No jobs to be fired from no people (that matter) to judge you. Perhaps the rest of the world needs to hear what we all think. I agree foul mouthed statements are no appropriate but every voice should be heard. Think about it for a minute the only reason trump was elected is because he said what others were afraid to say.

Laugh it off and roll your eyes. the larger concern is the future when the least of your worries will be inappropriate comments. If the little things are what bothering you now, it could be you are starting to resent the intrusion on your life and are starting to think how out much will be out if your control. Sit down with your mom and talk about the future.

You’re the only one as your children’s parent who gets to decide as any parent does what you want your children exposed to in your own home. While we can’t control what they may be exposed to other homes or the world, your home is your domain to create a safe and comfortable place where you set the boundaries. I would start by having a private serious talk with her where the only focus is clearly laying out what is and isn’t allowed in your home around your children. Don’t let others imply since she’s their grandmother it should be tolerated. Absolutely not these are your children we’re talking about. They’re nobody else children. At the end of the day what’s most important is knowing you did everything as their parent to ensure they were raised in a home with love and consistency, including consistency with those dearly held values important to you.
Let me just say I can see how much you love and want to protect your children from anything that deviates from that within your home and rightly so- children who are raised with conflicting beliefs causes a sense of insecurity and confusion, it’s not emotionally healthy. With that in mind if grandma is not willing to respect those boundaries your children are the top priority and at that point t would have her find other options to live. I know you mentioned this isn’t due to dementia it’s been a life long thing, she sounds primarily interested in having what she wants without regard to others feelings or needs.
I wish you the best for you and your kids sake

So many children have a difficult time sitting down and talking to their parents about tough subjects. Of course, respect your mom but don’t take crap from her. I would tell her that you are happy to have her living with you but there are some boundaries that she has to respect if she wants to continue living there. Calmly tell her what it is that you are uncomfortable with. Remind her that these are your children and you want them to reflect your values and ethics. And, stick to it. When she crosses those boundaries, even in front of others say, “Mom, remember our discussion?” If you are able to make this work let your children know that you had a talk with your mom because you don’t want them to ever reflect her rudeness or what she thinks life is all about. That way, they will feel more comfortable if they need to tell her they don’t agree with her, or walk away when she starts up. If this continues tell her you are looking at alternate housing options for her. I hope you have POA over your mom. If not, it would be a good idea to get it. That could be part of her continuing to live with you. I’m not a cold hearted person I just think that everyone involved in generational living situations has the right to be comfortable. Your quality of life is also important, and certainly your children’s. As you said, she has always been this way. Good luck.

Non pc vs. PC and offensiveness are subjective. I read through oodles of responses, but didn't see an example of what she said that was offensive to you and your grown children. This might be a good lesson for your adult children on how to properly and maturely deal with "ideas" they may not agree with. I put it in quotes, because I haven't read what your mother actually said.

I did read that you had her examined and she has her faculties. From that I would assume she's always had these beliefs and you must have known about them before you moved her in.

Offensive terms, words and issues are changing on the daily. Examples of her speech might be helpful here. I don't agree with "shut up or get out" advice or threatening her with a nursing home if she doesn't change her opinions. It would be different if she was visiting. You moved her in, she's a grown woman who doesn't have a mental illness. If your home is her home she should be able to express her thoughts and feelings too, not walk on eggshells.

Is it possible the mistake was yours for having her move in instead of placing her in a new facility where you wouldn't be offended by her conversation?

You also mentioned province. Canada? Some of us Americans may not agree with all Canadian ideas on speech restriction an pc culture. But I don't believe the news will change anyone's belief system that was set most likely when she was younger.

Again, I haven't read what she said that was so offensive...so my two cents are worth only that.

You don't want the Department of Human Services to come into your home. They will take your children. I would not live with this. Your children are the most important liabilities you have NOT YOUR MOTHER. Its time to find another place for your mother to be.

Prayers

The peace of your home and the health of your children come first. Is it possible to live with this behavior? Sure it's possible...for you if you choose to do so. Place her for their sakes.

Choose your children! Your first responsibility is the kids…not mom.

Sorry for your situation. Since this is your home with your rules, your mother needs to be moved out to her own place. I don't care if it was my own mother. Zero Tolerance. Her bad behavior does not gain yours and your kids respect. Contact your county on aging service to obtain a social worker and seek your mother's alternate shelter to remove her toxic environment from your home.

And, I've just spent 20 minutes going through comments and did not even read all of them. I see the views about unwarrented comments including politics. Your mother needs to stop or she will move out Now. Your mother needs to be moved out into a facility, not only for your sanity, but for your kids. Anger and rudeness can rub off to the kids and make them bullies in the society, repeating the cycle that skips a generation.

Unfortunately, one cannot control what another person says or doesn't say, especially if they believe they are perfect. Therefore, the only boundaries that you can control will be physical boundaries.

Add to the mix that what you consider politically incorrect, someone else outside your family may say that "they are just telling it like it is".

You have a duty to protect your children, yet provide them with enough experience so that they become socially acceptable adults in whatever society they choose to live in.

If your Mom truly does not want to change her ways, maybe you can find your Mom senior or subsidized housing so that she doesn't have day-to-day influence on your children.

Good luck.

To get back to your post, OP, I’m curious about what M actually says that is such a problem.

Not too many women are misogynistic, that is put down women just for being women. Is this really what you mean? What are her “judgy ways” about? Politics? Race? Clothing and appearance? “She speaks definitively as though her opinions carry great weight”. What about?

Do your adult children “shrivel” because of the way she talks to visitors, including their friends? Or why?

There have been many posts about how to deal with all these types of comments, particularly in public, but it’s hard to reply to you without more information.

Grateful - I'm curious what you mean by this statement:

"**Unfortunately, it is so very wrong to say "I can assure you there is literally no way we could sign away rights to my FIL's home right now. Not even with DH and SIL sharing POA because it is not activated" because:
***Documents like POA, even Committee of Estate/Person have no effect where an entity is not aware that such is in place, or where there is profit to be made***
Just another one of society's disservices to the vulnerable."

How is it wrong? I'm not even sure I understand what that statement means. We cannot sell my FIL's home. We have literally no rights to it. It is his home. The only way we could sell his home is on HIS behalf for HIS benefit if he needed the funds - and only IF the POA were to be activated. And he is fully aware that the POA is in place - he is the one that named the POA - that is legally the only way a POA can be named and only while he has the capacity to name them.
When you say "entity" are you referring to a bank or realtor? If so, if a person has legal capacity, they (at least with banks) are not supposed to deal with anyone but the legal owner of said property for example. If they even talk to someone else and they are not on the deed to the property, the legal owner is required to be present and give them permission to talk to their representative. FIL just did some business recently, and they wanted to know if BIL/SIL were involved with it. It was with regard to his home. He is the sole owner. They were not involved, he still handled his own business, signed his own documents, etc. He did most of the business online and there were some online signatures but they still sent a notary to his home to get the finalized documentation. I realize a lot of stuff is done online now - but all of the proper identification is required, which would also mean that your sister had to steal your mother's identification in order do the things she did. Aside from elder abuse you've probably got identity theft and fraud in there too.

Even if we were the type of people to attempt it for our own gain for some reason - which we absolutely are not- it would be pure folly for us to do so because that is his major asset at this point to cover his care if he needs to go into a care facility at some point and if he needed Medicaid and any of us benefited from the sale of his home- Medicaid would come after the ones who did for the lookback period and claw back the money. So it would be sheer stupidity.

Frankly - at this point - with his care needs increasing so dramatically recently - I'd be content with every single penny of his assets going to his care and there not being a penny left for anyone to inherit if it meant that he was able to go somewhere that he was able to be cared for 24/7 and the responsibility of providing his care was taken off of my SIL who lives with him.

To be honest - not everyone is like your sister. A lot of us are like you - just trying to do the best that we can. We are too busy trying to take care of him.

Gratelful - I was not questioning your character - my apologies if it came across that way. That was not the case I assure you.

I was questioning whether your mother has capacity. Or at the very least for additional detail. It is very unusual for someone to be able to do all of the things that your sister did to your mother without outside help or the elderly person in question being unable to manage their own legal and financial responsibilities any longer and being much more vulnerable to being scammed. I'm assuming that up to that point your mother trusted your sister and this was unusual behavior for her? That she didn't have any reason to not trust her or expect her to do this?

You will find I'm not quick to judge, I tend to ask questions for clarity. You have laid out a number of concerning aspects of your life regarding your mother and I was trying to understand what the rest of her life looks like. Her relationship with your sister was pertinent to understand because if she treated your sister the way that she treats you and your children - that's a pattern- and it is not one that will change - and you would need to plan accordingly.

What happened to your mother was wrong and for that I'm very sorry.

That still does not mean that you have to continue to allow your children and yourself to be at your mother's mercy regarding what could amount to verbal abuse. You say your children are young adults. Are you prepared for the day they get fed up with it and don't want to deal with it anymore and just decide to move out? That's the natural progression anyway, but plenty of young adults are living with their parents much longer because of the economy and how expensive things are, and your children may have intended to stay longer, but may decide that if their grandmother is unable to change her ways and is remaining in their home that they will have to find another option.

Your original question was "is it possible to live with this?" The answer is up to you. You are already living with it. But you are not happy. Your children are not happy. The only one happy with the situation is your mother. You can try some options to see if she is capable of changing. But very often - and for good reason - the vast majority of people have great difficulty changing their ways after a certain age because they have always done things they way they are doing them. I'm not saying people can't change. But a lot of they time they WON'T change without some major reason/encouragement to do so. And boundaries get stomped all of the time.

So the real question is - where is your line in the sand? When does it become too much? For a lot of people the answer is never. They just deal with it because they don't want to make the other choice. And if that works for you, that's ok. Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of sending their parents to live in a care facility. I'm not for my mom, I am for my FIL and my grandmother. It just depends on the person and their level of care and needs for me. The good of the many outweigh the good of the one so to speak.

I doubt you can stop your mother's politically incorrect mouth. This is who she is and has been, I suspect, for years and years.

Setting boundaries involves you changing - not her. If you set boundaries and stick to them she may change or she may not.

Setting a boundary means determining a consequence for a particular behaviour of another person, letting them know what the consequences for that behaviour is and when that person demonstrates that behaviour, you respond with your predetermined and openly stated boundary.

e.g. Mother calls X type of people ignorant. You state that you will not continue a conversation with her if she speaks like that about X type of people, Next day, mother again says X type of people are ignorant. You apply your consequence and cease speaking to her, and perhaps, leave the room.

This doesn't change her - it changes you and therefore changes the dynamic in your relationship with her. It also demonstrates to your kids that you disapprove of and discourage that behaviour and models a boundary for them.

Mother may or may not change. Likely she will ramp up unacceptable behaviour in response to your boundary at first. You still stick to your boundary.

I know there is a history to your mum being with you. You must have been aware of her of her politically incorrect mouth. What did you expect to happen when you moved her in with you?

Considering the effect of her behavior on your children, I would consider placing her in a facility. The peace of your home and the welfare of your children should, IMO, come first.

Wishing you the best, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend as mentioned by lea is an excellent book. Counseling can also be helpful in these situations.

When people use words like "judgy" to describe their parents - I can usually just ignore it. I think most of us as parents are considered judgy by our kids at some point- to some extent.

But when you start adding in words like "misogynistic" and saying that your adult kids are beginning to "shrivel up under the weight of her judgment" it sends up red flags. And then you add in your profile which talks about "fighting your sister for POA" - because your mother wants to live with you. All due respect - of course she does!! What parent ISN'T going to want to live with the child that will take them home to live with them over the one that is going to send them to a skilled nursing facility. Slam and Dunk for mom. I don't mean to be rude at all with this.

I admit - after all of these years with my narcissistic FIL - I see Zebras as quickly as I see Horses when people start describing overly self-involved, judgmental, people and I have to be careful not to call someone a narcissist when they are really just super self-focused. But you had this to say about your mom and sister's interactions:

"My sister sold Mom's house out from under her without permission in attempt to control her money." HOW? You said your mom was deemed competent by the doctors. How was your sister able to sign away rights to your mother's home without her permission, if her name was not on the deed and your mother was not in agreement if she is competent? Your mother would have had to have granted permission and SIGNED the paperwork. I can assure you there is literally no way we could sign away rights to my FIL's home right now. Not even with DH and SIL sharing POA because it is not activated.

"She took Mom's phone away for 3 weeks and did everything in that time unbeknownst even to me." Again - I just don't understand how she was able to take control, sign your mother into a home, sign away the deed to her home, get control over everything if the POA was not activated and your mother was still considered competent. People who have mental capacity are not just ignored and thrown into a home and locked away. Unless they are put on a psychiatric hold.

"Mom cried to me to get her out of care where I found her in a drugged up stupor, and if this were an appropriate forum to spend time with the nuances of +100 page affidavit I had to file of the elder abuses Sister had put Mom through, I might." THIS I actually would be curious about to be honest - because this would actually explain the family dynamic and how your sister was able to do everything that she was able to do - because it would have taken an underhanded doctor working against your mother to do all of this and get her admitted to a facility against her will and activate the POA (that I still don't understand if you shared it or if Sister had it and you some how transferred to you - which I don't see how that happened if she wasn't competent, and if she was we are back to how did this all happen TO her?

Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend to learn how to set down boundaries in your own home. But don't delude yourself that you'll be successful in teaching an old dog new tricks. Your mother is a prime example of why multi generational living rarely works out, except in theory. And why senior housing of all kinds is popping up like flowers on every street corner, at least in the USA. Not many of us have nerves of steel.

Get mom out of your home and living elsewhere if your children are "shrivelling a bit" due to their grandmothers belief in being perfect. Your children's happiness should always be your #1 goal in life. Nothing else comes before them. Too bad mom can't see what a negative influence she's having on her own family. But that's typical of her personality type.

Good luck to you

"Currently fighting my sister for POA where Mom wants to live with me but sister has put her in a home in her province where we all started."

This was your Profile post. So you did bring up ur sister. In our experiences when someone places a LO in a home its because the care has gotten overwhelming for the Caregiver or the LO is or was abusive in some way. Putting down someone verbally is abuse and can have a life-time effect. Some people have the confidence to let it roll off their backs even come back at the person without being nasty. Then there are others that take it to heart and believe that maybe the person is right. Have u ever thought that Mom was drugged up because of her mouth? Especially if targeting other residents. And her phone, maybe she was abusing it by calling your sister all day long being abusive? Or maybe even friends and they were complaining to ur sister.

My daughter was on the chubby side as a kid. My Uncle had a personality disorder. He did not care if what he said or did hurt someone or not. His own sister did not like him. He weighted over 300lbs and had the nerve to tell my 12 yr old DD she was fat. Now my daughter even at 12 stood up for herself. This time she kept quiet. When we left she said "Mom I so wanted to come back on him so I was good" I agreed she was good but that I would have said nothing if she had said something. She is 45 and still hates him but its never effected the way she looked at herself. My youngest would have taken it to heart and has with something that happened when she was 5. What happened to her at five has effected the way she looks at herself and she is 37.

If your Mom has Dementia there will be no reasoning with her. Her short-term memory goes first so from day to day minute by minute she will forget any boundary you have set. If no Dementia you may be able to but seems this is Moms personality so going to be hard to change her. Your children will need to be taught how to deal with this. You set your boundries and stick by them. If she refuses to change, then you may need to place her again. Your home needs to be a safe place for your children. A place they can get away from the world and know there is unconditional love. They can be themselves.
And what you can kindly tell Mom is that she needs you more than you need her so she needs to change or she is going to find herself back into a NH. I am not beyond a little threat.

Alrighty, not sure what my sister has to do with any of this, but since people like to bring her up here for some reason, whereas I never did:
My sister sold Mom's house out from under her without permission in attempt to control her money. She took Mom's phone away for 3 weeks and did everything in that time unbeknownst even to me. Mom cried to me to get her out of care where I found her in a drugged up stupor, and if this were an appropriate forum to spend time with the nuances of +100 page affidavit I had to file of the elder abuses Sister had put Mom through, I might.
But I never brought up my sister here because how irrelevant is that to figuring boundaries to be able to live in peace with Mom. All good. I feel this is resolved and we'll be fine. thanks all.

Grateful, I'm assuming based on your response to 97yroldmom, and your profile, and the fact that mom lives with you now...that when you decided to bring mom to live with you, your sister agreed to the terms only with the understanding that if you chose to take her out of the care facility, you were on your own?

You say "Sister will not take mom in for any length of time nor call nor visit. She doesn’t believe in the family dynamic as you know it." As gently as I can put this, and I don't know the full situation obviously...but I can pick up a lot from how you have described your mother in your own words. "She has never made the life decisions I can respect." "She speaks definitively as though her opinions carry great weight." YOU describe her as judgey and misogynistic.

I'm getting the sense that your sister put your mother in a care facility because she knew she didn't want to live with her for all of the reasons that you yourself used to describe her. Those things don't just happen overnight unless her mental capacity changes. If she has always been that way, then you grew up feeling the same way that your kids do right now. And possibly even being groomed to take care of her one day.

I don't know you or your sister. So I don't know if she doesn't believe in the family dynamic or if she just put boundaries in place for herself and stuck by them because she knows exactly what will happen if she spends time with your mother. Perhaps it is time to really consider the reality that is in your home. DID you grow up with your mother behaving this way? Has she always been like this? Because if she has...you can put all of the rules you want to in place. You can put them on the walls, you can frame them, you can even make her sign a contract that says she is aware of them and agrees to abide by them. But she won't. Because she believes deep in her heart that she doesn't have to. She still thinks you are the child and that she doesn't have to follow your rules and she is going to continue to do what she wants to do.

AND if that is the case, you will have to make a choice as to how you wish to proceed. Because we can give you all kinds of creative ideas for how to get her to "be nicer" but it won't make a bit of difference if she can't or won't.