Her history: single, PTSD, depression, multiple spinal fusion, chronic pain, chronic migraine, daily chemo for marrow disorder, arthritis, bladder incontinence, chronic sodium deficiency issues, ibs, high blood pressure. 1 dog.

I moved her to my house because she couldn't find housing in rural Nebraska and she was told her apartment was being sold, she would have been homeless. I had to have spinal surgery 7 months after she moved in. We remodeled basement for her in our new home. I was unable to spend the amount of time with her she wanted because I was bed ridden. The fusion graft gave me graft vs. host disease, I developed lupus, and 2 discs herniated within 2months. She wigged out, saying she was moving out so my husband could rent the basement and make some money (???) I am not her keeper and I understood she wasn't comfy with my situation. I helped her move out best I could. She left her dog to live with me because the dog had gotten used to being with my dogs(???) I tried to talk her out of it...but I kept the dog...she felt to strongly about it and I thought I was helping her out. Since she moved out her health deteriorated I almost lost her twice to salt deficiency. She is in a complex with senior activities and they all talk about her (???) No, she refused to interact. She wants me to come clean for her and then sends me home right away. My sisters bought her another dog but she calls me to take the dog to my house so she can rest and reboot. I do. She complains the dog loves me more than her. She won't come over for holidays or says she will and cancels an hour before festivities begin. Then complains about how much she misses the other siblings in other states instead of appreciating...ME. She is upset her life didn't work out like it should have and is jealous of mine. I irrationally feel like she is punishing me. Her excuse for everything is that she is in pain and I have no idea how bad off she is...but I do. She will go to the emergency room at 5pm but not the clinic at 4pm (which is 70 feet from her front door) The emergency Dr. yells at ME for not bringing her earlier. I drive 8 miles to her apartment to drive her across the street, or she calls life alert (???) I cook, shop, bathe her, do her laundry when she lets be told I have a life and I should be doing something with my husband. When I don't come to clean she calls me days later and has saved 4 or 5 trash bags of potty pads and diapers for me to drive in to throw in the dumpster. She has a cleaning lady and sends her away because she doesn't feel good (???) She begs me to take control of her medical treatment and medicines...(to tell me I am a Nazi nurse). For all this she tells me I have to understand how she grew up and how hard everything is for her...and I listen. she then tells me how I spoil her and how wonderful I am and how lucky she is and that she loves me unconditionally and I am her best production (???) She has no dementia or Alzheimer's. Most times anymore I just tell her I am going home then and she should call when she needs me. Shortly after I leave she calls one of my sisters...I get the what's wrong with mom call...but they really don't want to hear anything I give just the facts. All I want to do is scream. I believe my mother is trying to get me to put her in a home so she doesn't have to make that decision on her own. If she did it to herself she could only blame herself....NO, I would still be at fault somehow. This is all so crippling to me. I do feel better putting it down somewhere though.

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I believe your mother is mentally ill, probably all her life. Unless you are a psychiatrist, you should accept that there is little you can do to help her - she needs professional help. The thing is, you want to help, but you need to detach - she blames you for this, that or the other - so?  You are not to blame and can just put that aside - she is sick and does not know what she is talking about. Can you get her placed in an appropriate facility? Where she might get psychiatric help?
Helpful Answer (1)

You need boundaries, she plays you like a yo-yo and you let her.

I am not trying to be hurtful but you can not change her, only you.

Please stop trying to please her, you can not, no matter how fast you dance it's not good enough. Stop dancing, tell her to utilize the services at hand as you will be unavailable for the next 6 weeks.

Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries and stick to them. This is a person that could not have any compassion for you during your surgery and following, if it wasn't the woman that bore you, would you even have anything to do with her? You are not obligated to be her scratching post.

Let her deal with her life and you go enjoy yours. Tell sibs to deal with her and leave you out of it.

Take care of you!
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She sounds like she has Border Personality Disorder. I am not psychologist along with prehaps another mental disorder. If by some chance she does have BPD; you can not win with people with this disorder they need specialise therapy.
So, stop trying to please her because you can't. Take Isthisrealyreal advice, set boundaries, let your mom to utilize the services that are offered, and take care of yourself.

With my own mother I have set some strong boundaries, and in so cases it has worked. In others not so much. But I keep trying. Prehaps if my mother lived in AL it would make thing easier.

Look after yourself, because your mom won't. In fact maybe no will but you and the good Lord.
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