How do I set boundaries with my elderly relative?

Stop answering your phone, for starts. Turn it off. Consider changing your number.

1. Have someone in the family that you both know and that she respects talk to her about her obnoxious behavior.

2. Have someone in the family take her to see a psychiatrist. What kind of doctor said she had no dementia? If not dementia, something is mentally "off".

3. If she mentions suicide, immediately call 911 (or whatever your emergency number is) and have her transported for a mental health evaluation.

She may still have dementia even though she was "cleared". I am new to hear and just exploring the frustration of my Mom that presents "Showtime" to others but is mean and argumentative to family. They did a screening and they said she was 98 percent fine in memory. We as a family know different. We as a family are starting to really develop boundaries like not being available for lunch when asked every time and keeping phone calls short. She is pleasant to others and very friendly and pleasant on the phone if a "friend" is a around to hear apart of the conversation but she keeps it very short.

Congrats on the baby. I’m sorry this time is being stressed with your aunts obsession to be with you.

Shadowing in dementia is fairly common but from what I’ve read, it isn’t common in the beginning of dementia but more towards the middle stages. She does sound manic. Perhaps someone could put in a call to her doctor to ask if she could benefit from an anxiety Med? If the doctor who examined her wasn’t a neurologist, I would be a bit skeptical that she doesn’t have some sort of dementia going on.

I had a SIL who was notorious for wanting to be around newborns in the family. I was so relieved when she became a GM so that she would back off being obsessed with my daughter. She drove her DIL nuts and her GD won’t allow her to see her great grands anymore because of her inappropriate behavior. So I get how annoying it can be and my case was nothing compared to this.

Thank goodness your husband is able to keep her away. I think I would tell her that You aren’t ready to share the baby right now and you need her to respect that. If she threatens suicide, I would call 911.

What does she mean by “ I have been sent here to look after her”. As in sent by God?
Does she have children of her own? Does she have a POA? I think a different doctor needs to see her and someone else in her family needs to take this on so you can focus on your own family. Don’t let it drag on. It’s not good for any of you.

Has anyone considered that she might have a UTI? Theae can cause sudden extreme behavior changes.

Also, a sudden change in mental status can point to the possibility of her having had a small stroke.

Is her GP recommending treatment for her anxiety or any investigations?

Make it clear to your family that you are taking time to recover (6 weeks, minimum) and to bond with your infant and that you expect them to corral her for you.

I'm assuming you are in direct contact with her GP yourself? If someone else is feeding you this info (about there being no dementia but having anxiety), I would be suspect of its accuracy. If you are getting this info directly (and assuming she has assigned you as her Medical Representative on the HIPAA form that hopefully she signed at her GP's office) then I would have her tested for a UTI as BarbBrooklyn suggested and if she's clear of that then meds for her anxiety. Once her current issues have been addressed then your family needs to help her get a plan together. Your priority is your immediate family/baby/significant other. Your Aunt needs to understand that you are not her solution no matter how long she's been trying to "groom" you psychologically to be it. No is the only reason you ever need to give her.

She needs to choose and assign a wiling and able and appropriate PoA. No one should agree to be her caregiver without having this important legal authority they will just inherit her hot mess and burn out. There are other solutions for her, but she won't like the thought that her original plan isn't going to happen. Many on this forum are in her position and have created other solutions for themselves. Perhaps cultural issues and assumptions are at play -- no matter, the answer from you to her is still no. Congrats on your baby, may you gain wisdom and peace in your heart.

I am sorry you have this stressful situation. You should be freely devoting your time to your wonderful new bub!

Aunt is jealous, needy & way past pushy. Appears mentally ill.

Her past behaviour of 'grooming' you to be her caregiver is entitled & very selfish. It could stem from anxiety. Regardless of cause, her life is hers. Yours is yours & yours is now as a new family unit.

I second having your Husband as a gatekeeper. Block her calls, don't answer the door. That kind of harrassment must stop, either you or your husband tell her, another family member tells her or the law does. Seriously.

Threats of self-harm should be reported to her Doctor (if you know her Doctor). Even if you suspect it is said as a tool to manipulate you I would take it seriously & report this for her own safety.

I would be locking my doors. If she arrives trying to get into your house, has been told to leave but does not, I would be calling EMS for a mental health emergency. She may be experiencing some sort of breakdown, but could be many other medical causes not yet diagnosed eg stroke.

You make this stop by standing up to your aunt. Tell her in plain language that you are not and will not be her caregiver. That if she calls you incessantly, you will change your phone number and have no contact with her.
Of course she should be checked out by a doctor, but if she was perfectly fine up until you were six months along, it may not be dementia or a UTI. It could very well be that she's jealous of you having a baby and wants to make sure she will always come first in your life. Your aunt thinks you will be her nanny-slave in her old age. She needs to be corrected about that.
Call her out on her lies about no one visiting her and having no one. Ask the family she does see to back you up on this with her. If she calls you and claims to be "suicidal" call 911 and send the police there.
Stop allowing her gaslighting and manipulation to control your life.
As for her only wanting you over the rest of the family. That's only partially true. She wants the other family for her socialization and to enjoy life with.
You are her emotional dumping ground. You are the one who will handle every crisis (real or fabricated). You'll be the one who gets all the complaining, the one she fights with, and every other negative possibility. You don't deserve that. Your aunt is what is called an emotional vampire and you're the one she chooses to feed off of. That has to stop. Even if you have to cut her out of your life completely for a while (which would be a good idea), do it. Best thing for you both.

You won't ever make it stop if you respond to it.
I would tell her in the kindest manner possible that you are not god, but a human being with limitations. You will tell hr you are a new Mom. Then you will tell her what you CAN do, and you will need to stick to that. You will have to be willing to tell her that you hope she will no do anything foolish, but you cannot prevent it. I would add this "Aunt, I must tell you, and I am sad to have to, that the more you carry on in the manner you have, the less I will be able to come to see you; I now have a child and my obligation is to her, to make myself available and healthy for her. I would grieve having to withdraw from you, but I will do so if I must".
Then stick to it, because it is the TRUTH. You train people not by what you say, but what you do. You will have to enforce your best intentions for your family because that IS where your obligation lies.
Read the book, Boundaries. An easy read full of anecdotes of people in positions like you.

Congrats on the baby. I had my first at 28 and second at 36.

Its time to set boundries for you besides her. Make family aware that you will not be able to do for her. You now have a baby that takes up your time 24/7. That when he/she naps, so will you be. Or, trying to get things done. Block her calls. If you have a cell, use do not disturb. It gives u the option of only calls and text you want go thru. I would ask DH to be the bad guy. Every time she tries and visits, he tells her your busy or sleeping. When she calls, have him pick up and ask her to stop calling that you will call when u have time but don't count on that being soon. He needs to be firm and blunt. People like ur Aunt don't read between the lines.

When you are yourself again, which will take over 3 months at least (Babies don't sleep thru the night till at least thenl you will need to sit Aunt down and tell her you are not on this earth to care for her. That there are family members that can help her and her boyfriend. That you are now married and have a child to care for. They are your priorities. If you have a job, another reason why you just don't have the time. Maybe have ur DH present to confirm everything u say. That you will visit when you can. That if she wants to visit, she needs to call to see if the visit is convenient for you. Its called being courteous.

If you cannot resolve this problem with her, then u may need to move. You are entitled to your life and privacy. Grandchildren and Great nieces and nephews should not be made to feel they need to care for grandparents and great Aunts and Uncles. Especially when there is other family. I think its nice you visit, but if that becomes a problem, you may need to back up.

I feel this maybe a cultural thing so probably won't be easy.

No is a one word sentence. No explanation needed.
When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction.

My new montra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.

PS, I am 72 and do not consider myself elderly. I have Aunts I would not have cared for, so a Great Aunt not excepting borders I would not have felt I owed anything either.

Tell her straight. Don't worry about being unreasonable as she is being very unreasonable with you. Tell your other family that it's what you're going to do and why, before she has a chance to tell them lies. She sounds very needy and selfish with her demands, with no empathy for you and your situation. If it's spoiling your time as a new mum then you need to be firm and make that clear. She obviously doesn't see beyond her own needs and won't take hints so needs to have the facts told to her nicely but firmly!! Good luck.

OMG.
Just No.
Block her calls for a while if you must.
This is crazy behavior by her and it needs to stop right now.

Few things piss me off more than someone threatening suicide to manipulate and get their way!

Purplepetal, you wrote: "she says I’ve been sent by god to look after her and that my mother had me for her. But she has been saying that for years. She has no children by choice, she never wanted any."

Is there a family secret here that needs to be revealed? Can your mother give you some insight?

This came to mind because of someone else's experience that was recently told to me. This person found out that her aunt was actually her birthmother and the birthmother's sister raised her as her own child. I know this is far-fetched, but it could help to explain your aunt's obsession with you.

You should be enjoying your new baby and taking care of yourself as you recover. I'm glad your husband is running interference, but you also need to stop taking her phone calls, once a day is more than sufficient.

What have you said to your great aunt about the way she is towards you?

Take the fake emergency. She calls and says help help the house is on fire. And you said or did what?

Your aunt has shown no previous sign of being a nut job, I take it. She has no dementia or physical problems. She has a boyfriend she lives with, she isn't that old, and she has plenty of family and plenty to do.

The only remaining thing I can think of is that she is over the moon to the point of deranged about your having had this baby, and that you are overwhelmingly her favourite young relative, and she has formed what we must hope is a temporary obsession, possibly with some sort of jealousy or quasi-sibling rivalry mixed in with it. It does happen, without there being anything sinister about it, that an older generation person can feel a much stronger attachment to one individual than to the others in the family. Be honest with her, tell her your life has changed, tell her it won't stop you loving her but it does mean she needs to give you and your family more space.

Presumably she never had children herself?

I am afraid you need to be firm about setting boundaries. Block her on your phone but call her to check in only when you have a minute. Tell her you will let her know when its a good time to visit.
Don't cut her off completely because it sounds like she is very attached to you.

Your priority is recovering, caring for your newborn and your husband.

I had to do this with my mom and it did work because otherwise 10-15 calls a day for all kinds of non urgent needs. I limited my visits and shortened them.

Put a sign on your door "do not disturb".

You seem like a kind person but aunt needs to reach out to other family members.

Perhaps a family intervention? One sit down where others can back you up and show their availability for this Aunt. Your experience with your family is a beautiful time and your Aunt clearly doesn't understand because she did not choose that for herself. Others need to stand in and everything done in front of others to squash the lies and manipulation. Life is short and the truly beautiful moments with your baby and husband cannot be delayed or repeated. Nip this obsessive behavior in the bud. It does not make you a bad person. Your instincts to protect yourself and your new family are to be respected.

Yes, those who have never had children do not know what is involved caring for a newborn. My first never slept. Even as she got older, always up during the night. Naps? What are they. She fought them.

My second. Took 2 naps a day at 2 hrs each. First night home, slept 6 hours. As she gained weight, she eventually became a 10hr sleeper never waking up in the middle of the night.
The first year your attention should be the baby. This is the time you bond. You want to enjoy it not have a great Aunt interfering.

Sometimes when your pregnant, the family members that are used to being the center of attention act out.
This new family member is about to steal their thunder and is your new priority and like a jealous sibling they work to get it back.

Part of being a mature adult we step aside and make room for the next generation, some of us did not mature. Those with personality disorders etc.
I would take a bullet before I would disrupt my daughter raising her family but her Dad had no problem doing it to get the spotlight back on him.
When he passed away in their living room it brought the whole house down, get those type people away from your family.

Stop answering the door or phone you can say later you were busy with the baby bc you were.
When adults can’t control themselves you have to do it, nothing comes between you and that new baby not now not ever.

Is your great aunt jealous of the newborn baby because now you have to limit your time to rest and care for the baby? You need privacy.

Your aunt sounds like she is mentally disturbed. My sister is that age and gets around better than I do. She travels quite often and doesn’t need any help. When my mom and disabled aunt was that age, they never acted that way and both were independent even though they both had physical problems. It sounds like she needs mental help.
It isn’t going to get better. I would block her phone number and move if you can or just don’t let her in. She isn’t your responsibility and with a new baby, you won’t have time to deal with her. Talk to family about it and tell them you’re going to have to get stern and then talk to your aunt and tell her to quit calling because if she doesn’t, you’re going to block her and quit coming over unless you invite her.

Your post makes it quite clear that your great aunt decided years ago that you were her care plan. You were ‘sent here to look after her’. Now it’s all going wrong, and she’s desperately trying to keep you where she wants you.

You need to deal with this now. It could get a lot worse. You have your own family and own life, and you are NOT her care plan. She’s only 74 and she has a boy-friend and lots of friends and relatives. It isn’t clear if you are married or a single mother, but it might be best if someone close to you goes to see someone close to great aunt, and pushes the fact that it’s time for her to work out her own future, residence and care plan. If possible, spread that information around her own friends and relations.

Block her phone number and keep your door locked!

Your new baby has changed her way of life dramatically. She has to get used to you having a primary responsibility. Give her a little time to deal with it. Have some of the relatives go a little more often to busy her time. Actually, if she is coming to your house - it's a good thing. She is getting out of the house keeping herself moving. Might be a very good thing for her.

Next time she comes by, see if you can ease a transition on her - ask her to do something for you. Something very simple. Bring you something to drink, a sandwich, etc. Tell her your feet/legs/whatever are hurting and just sit w'feet propped up. She may surprise you and be able to help fold some clothes or some little task that gets harder as baby needs get bigger. Might turn out to be that favorite aunt and kids bond with.

I love the acronym No JADE. It means no justifying, no arguing, no defending and no explaining. You've just given birth through a C-Section. That is an explanation within itself.

First, you are not old age insurance for elderly relatives. You have a family. Your family comes first. You aunt sounds very unreasonable. I wouldn't allow her to guilt trip you into unnecessary drama and temper tantrums. Ten and twenty phone calls are entirely too much. When do you find time for yourself between answering all those calls? When the baby sleeps, you should be resting yourself.

You owe your family no explanation for taking care of yourself and your newborn.

You are seeing her compete with her and the baby. Tell her in no uncertain terms very strongly you have physical problems and need to heal and you now have a baby. As to the calls, when she calls, do not answer the phone. And don't unlock the door. Tell her you will be in contact with her and you will call when you can. Let her rant and rave. So what. Break the constant contact - she'll get the message or you need to get tougher.

Purplepetal: You're going to have to set boundaries with your age 74 not-that-old great aunt. If she threatens to take her life by her own hand, she must get herself to a psychiatrist - or she can call EMS. You must take care of yourself and your baby. As she has a boyfriend, he can be her go-to person.

Your aunt has an unhealthy obsession about you. Plead with other family members to help her get some mental health help.

In the meantime, decide with your husband on firm ground rules for dealing with her. Here are a few ideas:

1 - No coming over unless you invite her over. If she comes over, say something along the lines, "We are not allowing people into the home right now. We'll invite you when we are able to have you over."

2 - Allow phone to go to voicemail. Answer her calls when the time works best for you - certain time of day, weekly, monthly...?

3 - Remind her firmly that you are a new mom and the doctor has strict orders about your rest and not allowing visitors right now.

As usual, I am going against the typical response. Your aunt sounds and acts like a jilted lover, so I am coming from that hypothesis. You say she has always put her eggs in one basket, thinking you will care for her in her old age. You have been there for her up until this time, spending time her taking her out twice a week. In a weird way, she not only identifies with (pre-child) you but she is feels connected to you in a convoluted maternal way. With her entire reality turned on it's head, she is desperately trying to "win you back" by trying to re-establish your relationship.
Yes, I agree she is being selfish and manipulative but I do not agree that you should slam the door in her face as many advise. She is a human being who inwardly is panicking that she has "lost" you. My approach is a combo of luaneZ and Countrymouse's advice. Have everyone over (loving family intervention) to discuss how things have changed in your schedule from now on. Let Aunt know she will always be special to you and you would love for her to visit every Monday/Thursday (obviously whatever days/time YOU decide) for an hour or two (YOUR choice). After a couple of weeks this will hopefully become her new routine. She just needs time and assurance that she hasn't been shut out and that she is still important to you.
Bottom line: Setting boundaries - with love - is the first approach you should take. I say this because you obviously do love this woman and I don't think taking a hard line will fare well with either of you. Keep us posted!

I may be way off on this, but your aunt may be showing the beginning signs of dementia. If not dementia, she may need to be evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist on why she needs to see you every day. BTW, suicidal ideation needs psych care (and if she isn't suicidal and is tossing about the phrase, that needs care as well...she may have a personality disorder). Anyway, you are in no shape to care for anyone but yourself and your infant at the moment. Call on the other members of your large family to run interference. They need to take care of her right now.

Thank you for the examples, PP. So let's take the first one:

“ (Boyfriend) has been pressing buttons on the thermostat and broke it the heating won’t work and the house is freezing” I will go round and the heating is on there’s nothing wrong boyfriend totally denies touching it. I will say “ there is nothing wrong it’s been on the whole time and he says he hasn’t touched” she will say “ aw sorry I panicked there I’m glad I have you, I would lay down and die if I didn’t have you. Do you fancy taking me to the shops/ for lunch/ for a walk along the beach in your car.”

And then you say what?

Because: a) this is not an emergency. You have two functioning adults who, in the event that their central heating really did break down, would be perfectly capable of calling an engineer, buying a portable heater, or both. And b) if that were me I would then have a few well-chosen words to say about being called round to their house on an obvious pretext. I think I might even allow myself to sound *annoyed.*

And you? What did you say?

PP her turning down other relatives is her problem not yours. She has the problem of not being able to see that you never will be her caregiver. SHE is the one who proclaimed you were sent from God to care for her. God also gives you the choice to say no. He has done that by giving you a baby to raise. A baby that he has placed in your hands to take care of until the age the baby can be on its own. Your job is to teach that baby how to live in this world and be responsible for its own life, its own consequences. If you do ur job right (we all make mistakes)at 18 you can be comfortable in knowing you did your best and that child is ready to make its own decisions right or wrong. The baby, and any other children you may have, are your priority as is your husband. At 74 this Aunt will have to make other plans because you cannot be there for her and you should not feel you need to be.

For now set those boundries. Now I have a child, this is the way it has to be. Call before she visits. If she doesn't, she may not be let in because its not convenient for you. There is no law you must pick up the phone. Like said, she has to except changes.

Just read one if your replies. You Aunt is a spoiled brat thats the problem. She was the youngest and spoiled. Getting her out of debt was fine one time but after that her family needed to have her deal with the consequences. Using suicide is a manipulation. You need to call her bluff not give into it. If she does try to commit suicide then she needs help. She needs help even saying it.

I had a guy I was dating say he was going to commit sucide if I broke up with him. I broke up with him because it was scary that he even said that. I was 21. No, he didn't do it. He went on to marry someone else and have 2 kids. He was really a sweet guy and we saw each other around town and would stop to talk.