How do I say “no” to mom and aunt (I have twins who need care!) without feeling horrible? Can I ask them to be reimbursed for gas?

They should be paying you for all that you do.
Travel, gas, meal, if you do nay caregiving they should pay you for that as well. It is not a matter of you needing the money or not. What it will come to is if they ever have to apply for Medicaid or any other assistance there is "proof" that they have required help and they have been paying for help. And any money given to you would not be looked upon as a "gift"
Look up what the IRS is allowing for travel reimbursement and charge that, charge them for gas and charge them for the time it takes you to bring them to any appointment or do any shopping.

I think the answer is not money but finding another solution to caregiving for your mother and aunt. You cannot continue to go over every day - a 2 hour roundtip plus time at their home - and work as a teacher and care for your own family. You need to investigate an assisted living situation or a caregiver/housekeeper that comes each day to do meal prep and check on them and save your visits for once or twice a week. I'm an only child, too, so I get the guilt that you feel but this is not the answer. If you can get them to move together to assisted living the cost is better and they will establish a new lifestyle that they will enjoy and they'll both feel better knowing that they are not a burden to you. Then you'll all be able to enjoy visiting together because you won't be exhausted.

When I was out of work for a period I had to tell my father I couldn’t afford to run down there every day. I never asked but he was indignant that I implied he should offer gas money yet if one of my kids stopped by he’d offer gas money.

Well, you have twins, I'm sure you have to say "No" to them at times. Does that make you feel guilty? Teaching means you likely have to say no as well. Perhaps a little easier and less likely to induce guilt, since they aren't your family members, but life isn't always YES.

There are no examples, so what kind of things do you have to say no to? Staying later? Coming more often? Taking her/them someplace? Perhaps find another word or words to replace no, such as 'I can't today/now, maybe another time'.

IF you can ever broach the subject regarding gas money, be sure to have receipts of some kind and maybe have it written up as a check so you can print the image and attach the gas receipt. This is only necessary for Medicaid, to prove you are receiving a "gift" (80-90/wk would be between 4-5000/yr.) Alternative is to have a "contract" drawn up, but make it legal, so it's documented.

The wear and tear on you is going to build up. Working a job, raising twins, maintaining your own home AND traveling 2 hrs every day, plus time to prepare meals is going to take a toll. Others suggested they move closer or have a care-giver who can prepare meals for them most days, but you can still go a couple times/week. We all need "down" time to regroup. At the rate you're going, you're going to burn out!

I wouldn't worry about charging for any care you provide, at least not at this stage. If you do, it should be done with a legal agreement written up which states what activities you perform and when/how often, and what you get paid for each duty. This is primarily for Medicaid, should either need it. Note also: If you get paid to provide care, you have to claim it on your taxes (NOT any reimbursements, like for the gas.)

But, you are already over-extending yourself, please don't add care-giving to this Wonder Woman list of duties!!!

My guess is that your mother and aunt can’t really imagine your ‘own life’. For them you exist when you arrive to see them, anything else is just you chatting to entertain them.

Now you are doing dinner duty, but you must surely see that things are going to get progressively more difficult. Asking for travel money might shock them into realising just how far it is! If you want to say that you don’t really need the money, you could make it more ‘real’ by saying that you will save it for a treat for your twins, to make up for the way they are helping at home when you are away so much of the time!

But more important is to think ahead for how to deal with the future as well as the present. You are coping (just) now, so don’t wait until the inevitable crisis when you will have no time to plan.

Have you tried Meals on Wheels? Let them do the dinner for you. Then maybe you can cut back to once a week instead of every day.

Spending over $4,000 a year on daily trips adds up over time. You may not “need” the money right now, but this money could be put aside for your own retirement. Plus your time - you don’t get time back. If they need DAILY help then it’s time to make another plan. Sounds like you are getting burned out and resentful. Driving two hours a day, plus working, and caring for your own family is not practical. Put things into the perspective of caring for “all” of you, not just your Aunt and mother. You also need to take care of yourself and family. Start by calling their local Office on Aging to see what services they may be eligible for. Things can change quickly and go downhill with them and you won’t have a plan in place. Then, God forbid, you might find yourself agreeing to leave work or move them in with you - that could be a disaster. Stop feeling guilty, take a deep breath and have the conversation. They may not like it, but as I have said before, read the stories on this forum of caregivers that are suffering emotionally, physically and losing their own time with spouses and children.

Firstly, look into www.chefsforseniors.com and see if there is one near you. They will buy the groceries and cook 2 week's worth of fresh, healthy dinners (in home) for the freezer. You are WAY too far away to drive 2 hours a day to make dinner! On the gas, of course you should be reimbursed! Ask them to put you on one of their credit cards, just for gas.

Don't feel guilty. Driving to their place an hour away every day is too much. Your family needs you at home.
My mom lived an hour away from me. I went twice a week, and it was exhausting. I arranged for her to have good care - part time help with household chores and meal prep to begin with, and 24-7 caregivers as she became more dependent. I was comfortable knowing that she was being well cared for. There were even times that I didn't go for a week or two if I took vacations or was sick or in covid-quarantine.
If the cost of someone coming in daily is prohibitive, try cooking meals to freeze for them to warm up. We used to visit my mother-in-law once a month before she had in-home care, and I would cook a big dinner, then freeze single-serving portions for her. She forgot that I had cooked, but she would find the food in the freezer and figure that if it was there, she could eat it.

If they have been in their neighborhood and know people, see if a teenager or young mother or some such who could come in an hour an evening and help. There are many people that like elders, and most of us could use some extra money. I doubt it would be much more than the gas money. I AGREE that you need to make plans for greater need in the near future. This is a dangerous situation for all three of you. A local church or high school or senior center also may be able to recommend someone. State of county run aging places may also have some ideas. Good luck and bless you for your heartwarming concern for them.

How about as Nancy Reagan once put it, 'Just Say No' to them.
Do they live together?
Even if you didn't have a full-time job being asked to drive an hour each way nearly every day to do meal prep is ridiculous. Your mother and aunt need to be made aware of this.
What would solve everyone's problems here is if the got some home/health aides. That's who helps with meal prep, housekeeping, rides to appointments, errands, hygiene care, etc... Medicare even covers a few hours a week most of the time, and it sounds like a few hours a week is all they really need right now.
Hire some in-home caregiving for this and you visit once a week on a week-end like you should be doing.

Ask them for the gas money. Also ask them to consider moving closer to you, maybe a senior apartment in your town would work.

First of all, it is nice you care and want to help but your first duty is to you and your own immediate family - you need to learn there are limits and you simply can't do it all. I would gently explain this to them that you want to help but time etc. are limited. Suggest they hire a caretaker or someone to help them instead of you. Tell them it will cost them something but they will have the help. Then whether you need the money or not, I would tell them that (make something up), that you will need some money for gas and incidentals as you need the funds. Why people don't think and at least offer to do something is beyond me. I would never, ever accept help from anyone without trying to figure out what I could do to express my thanks. They might refuse but at least I thank them and try to do something nice for them. Back off a bit and don't just be there. Keep telling them to get paid people. You need to be free for you and your family.

HAve them spend their money to order out or hire a Caregiver a couple hrs a day.

Tell them you have your hands full with teaching and your twins.

Stephanie71: Imho, since your mom accepts the "no" from you, albeit even "not very often," that is good enough. You CANNOT nor should NOT run yourself ragged.

You work FT AND then drive 2 hours to make dinner for 2 old ladies??

I cannot wrap my brain around that!
I'd be totally burned out in a week--if I lasted that long.

If the 'guilt' is eating you up, then just run out there on Saturday or Sunday and prep and freeze a week's worth of meals. Keep the pantry stocked with quick cannned soups and such--even set up grocery delivery for them, you don't even need to be there!!

I'd also encourage weekly aides to do whatever jobs they need done, but can't.

Your kids need you. Mom & Auntie are GROWNUPS and while they do need help...they don't need you to hold their hands every. single. day.

You should only feel guilty if you are not neglecting your home and family. follow Midkid 58's suggestion. driving everyday is NOT necessary. have them hire an aide if they need help.

I absolutely feel it’s fine to ask. Actually, it’s necessary and u shouldn’t be afraid to ask. I’m quite sure if u had it like that u would not ask. U seem to have a wonderful and kind spirit . In fact, It’s team work. One hand washes the other. If that’s a way for u to help them more and urself. Go for it. U it’s to together they can work together until ur able to show up. U need that break. Ur doing ur best. I really like that ur helping keeping ur family together.