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I’m and only child and I don’t have cousins. I also have an elderly mom and aunt who need assistance. My mom accepts when I say “no”- which is not very often. But, I feel so guilty. I love them both but I work full time as a teacher and I just need a break from them.
Also, they live an hour away from me. I’ve been there almost daily for dinner prep. It runs me about $15- a trip. About $80-90 dollars a week. I don’t NEED the money, but it sure would be nice to have it offered. Is it even worth asking them? Curious to hear people’s responses.

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I think the answer is not money but finding another solution to caregiving for your mother and aunt. You cannot continue to go over every day - a 2 hour roundtip plus time at their home - and work as a teacher and care for your own family. You need to investigate an assisted living situation or a caregiver/housekeeper that comes each day to do meal prep and check on them and save your visits for once or twice a week. I'm an only child, too, so I get the guilt that you feel but this is not the answer. If you can get them to move together to assisted living the cost is better and they will establish a new lifestyle that they will enjoy and they'll both feel better knowing that they are not a burden to you. Then you'll all be able to enjoy visiting together because you won't be exhausted.
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Have you tried Meals on Wheels? Let them do the dinner for you. Then maybe you can cut back to once a week instead of every day.
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Firstly, look into www.chefsforseniors.com and see if there is one near you. They will buy the groceries and cook 2 week's worth of fresh, healthy dinners (in home) for the freezer. You are WAY too far away to drive 2 hours a day to make dinner! On the gas, of course you should be reimbursed! Ask them to put you on one of their credit cards, just for gas.
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KristineB Sep 2021
This sounds wonderful!
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Well, you have twins, I'm sure you have to say "No" to them at times. Does that make you feel guilty? Teaching means you likely have to say no as well. Perhaps a little easier and less likely to induce guilt, since they aren't your family members, but life isn't always YES.

There are no examples, so what kind of things do you have to say no to? Staying later? Coming more often? Taking her/them someplace? Perhaps find another word or words to replace no, such as 'I can't today/now, maybe another time'.

IF you can ever broach the subject regarding gas money, be sure to have receipts of some kind and maybe have it written up as a check so you can print the image and attach the gas receipt. This is only necessary for Medicaid, to prove you are receiving a "gift" (80-90/wk would be between 4-5000/yr.) Alternative is to have a "contract" drawn up, but make it legal, so it's documented.

The wear and tear on you is going to build up. Working a job, raising twins, maintaining your own home AND traveling 2 hrs every day, plus time to prepare meals is going to take a toll. Others suggested they move closer or have a care-giver who can prepare meals for them most days, but you can still go a couple times/week. We all need "down" time to regroup. At the rate you're going, you're going to burn out!

I wouldn't worry about charging for any care you provide, at least not at this stage. If you do, it should be done with a legal agreement written up which states what activities you perform and when/how often, and what you get paid for each duty. This is primarily for Medicaid, should either need it. Note also: If you get paid to provide care, you have to claim it on your taxes (NOT any reimbursements, like for the gas.)

But, you are already over-extending yourself, please don't add care-giving to this Wonder Woman list of duties!!!
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
Ooops, typo!!!

This:
"...to prove you are receiving a "gift"..."

should read:
"to prove you AREN'T receiving a "gift"..."
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My guess is that your mother and aunt can’t really imagine your ‘own life’. For them you exist when you arrive to see them, anything else is just you chatting to entertain them.

Now you are doing dinner duty, but you must surely see that things are going to get progressively more difficult. Asking for travel money might shock them into realising just how far it is! If you want to say that you don’t really need the money, you could make it more ‘real’ by saying that you will save it for a treat for your twins, to make up for the way they are helping at home when you are away so much of the time!

But more important is to think ahead for how to deal with the future as well as the present. You are coping (just) now, so don’t wait until the inevitable crisis when you will have no time to plan.
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Spending over $4,000 a year on daily trips adds up over time. You may not “need” the money right now, but this money could be put aside for your own retirement. Plus your time - you don’t get time back. If they need DAILY help then it’s time to make another plan. Sounds like you are getting burned out and resentful. Driving two hours a day, plus working, and caring for your own family is not practical. Put things into the perspective of caring for “all” of you, not just your Aunt and mother. You also need to take care of yourself and family. Start by calling their local Office on Aging to see what services they may be eligible for. Things can change quickly and go downhill with them and you won’t have a plan in place. Then, God forbid, you might find yourself agreeing to leave work or move them in with you - that could be a disaster. Stop feeling guilty, take a deep breath and have the conversation. They may not like it, but as I have said before, read the stories on this forum of caregivers that are suffering emotionally, physically and losing their own time with spouses and children.
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How about as Nancy Reagan once put it, 'Just Say No' to them.
Do they live together?
Even if you didn't have a full-time job being asked to drive an hour each way nearly every day to do meal prep is ridiculous. Your mother and aunt need to be made aware of this.
What would solve everyone's problems here is if the got some home/health aides. That's who helps with meal prep, housekeeping, rides to appointments, errands, hygiene care, etc... Medicare even covers a few hours a week most of the time, and it sounds like a few hours a week is all they really need right now.
Hire some in-home caregiving for this and you visit once a week on a week-end like you should be doing.
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They should be paying you for all that you do.
Travel, gas, meal, if you do nay caregiving they should pay you for that as well. It is not a matter of you needing the money or not. What it will come to is if they ever have to apply for Medicaid or any other assistance there is "proof" that they have required help and they have been paying for help. And any money given to you would not be looked upon as a "gift"
Look up what the IRS is allowing for travel reimbursement and charge that, charge them for gas and charge them for the time it takes you to bring them to any appointment or do any shopping.
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If they have been in their neighborhood and know people, see if a teenager or young mother or some such who could come in an hour an evening and help. There are many people that like elders, and most of us could use some extra money. I doubt it would be much more than the gas money. I AGREE that you need to make plans for greater need in the near future. This is a dangerous situation for all three of you. A local church or high school or senior center also may be able to recommend someone. State of county run aging places may also have some ideas. Good luck and bless you for your heartwarming concern for them.
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You work FT AND then drive 2 hours to make dinner for 2 old ladies??

I cannot wrap my brain around that!
I'd be totally burned out in a week--if I lasted that long.

If the 'guilt' is eating you up, then just run out there on Saturday or Sunday and prep and freeze a week's worth of meals. Keep the pantry stocked with quick cannned soups and such--even set up grocery delivery for them, you don't even need to be there!!

I'd also encourage weekly aides to do whatever jobs they need done, but can't.

Your kids need you. Mom & Auntie are GROWNUPS and while they do need help...they don't need you to hold their hands every. single. day.
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Llamalover47 Sep 2021
Midkid: The OP's profile states that she has no kids.
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