How do I respond when my mother says, "I just want to die."?

i haven't read the other answers so don't know if i'm repeating, but here goes: my mom is very similar to yours, independent and living alone after a brutal marriage. her reason to live after retiring was driving from jersey to virginia to visit the daughter who had the two grandchildren. when her mind went rather suddenly, or at the least most noticeably, i took her away from being put in a home near that daughter, which she was willing to come with me even though it meant leaving the grandchildren, because her worst fear was to be "put away in a nuthouse" and living under the direction of that horrid husband. we live across the country now, the calls are few contrary to the level of expressed concern by that daughter, her other children (yes, these are all siblings, half-siblings, of which i am the oldest) don't call enough either except the oldest daughter in line behind me. she at least calls once a week but she also has dealings with the horrid husband which makes her untrustworthy. we live in my house on a property that is secluded, perfect for me, not for her the social butterfly. she misses dating, she misses her kids, she knows she is confused and at times living in the confused hallucinatory world of memories that are intermingled with dreams and real life. she's eighty, so half an anti-depressant in the morning in her coffee and half of one in her coffee in the late afternoon keeps her fairly stable, but being a sundowner, the evenings are hard no matter what. the "i want to die" 's come often and with a vengenace. i try to remind her that she couldbe in a wheelchair, paralyzed, any kind of thing that would make her immobile or unintellgiable at all, but she is consoled for only a little while. the only thing that makes it through if i can get there is the remembering that i rescued her from living in a home, then she is grateful, sorry for inconveniencing me, which i reassure her was my choice, not hers. sometimes even all that doesn't work. i just keep plugging along with tryiing to make her happy but realize that when her confused brain takes over, she has to work it through and suffer it the best he can. i offer to be there to help, and leave her be, checking on her once in a while, which usually only leads to arguing some more. this morning i just read this to her, and she thinks the way she acts "stinks". good for her. the good and the bad moments do not outweigh each other. they are what they are, and tomorrow is another day.

Mzeiner....that was the perfect response!!! lol

My mother-in-law would say this to my husband at each nursing home visit. He simply responded that he was the wrong person to talk to about that, as he wasn't God. She would laugh at that.

I am wholly supportive of life review and pet therapy. Some ALFs allow pets and sometimes the facility will have its own cat or birds. Life reviw is valuable to all. You ask questions about your loved one's life and you get to share in his/her memories and they get to have someone patiently listen to them. Photo albums are good prompts. Listening to their whole story is important but make sure you leave enough time. It's hard on the elder if you jump up and just "have to get going" in the middle of their story. Elders who say they just want to die - if you ask, "what makes you say that?" Will be a learning experience for you. I wish you well.

Don't worry about that we will all be there soon and my nan was 96 and that's what we used to say to her and she was happy when we said that to her

So sad, but at least she isn't in terrible pain. I kind of know how she feels. It's very hard for a child to hear such things, but I have heard and seen such suffering from other people! She's being well taken care of? And has no bad physical problems? At least there is that. I know that doesn't help much, but just listen, be sympathetic, and use distraction when you can. God bless!

Anytime someone is constantly obsessed with wanting to die and actually speaking it, there really is cause for concern and it really does need some proper professional attention. Always talking about wanting to die is a big red flag that a person suicidal tendencies, it's just the way it is. The person really needs help before they have a chance to harm themselves because you don't know that this person won't. I've known a wide variety of people in my life, and some of them were suicidal, and what you're describing is definitely a big red flag. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the truth like it or not. Again, I know what I'm talking about because I've known those kinds of people, and you never know when they may harm themselves when they go obsessing about death and wanting to die, something is definitely wrong inside. If I didn't have some form of encounter with people like this, I wouldn't be able to warn you like I'm trying to. I have no reason to lie, the person really needs help

I wouldn't go for meds. My Mom has said the same thing, she is ready to go. She has no life, as such. She can't enjoy reading anymore. Can't hold a decent conversation. She realizes something is wrong. If we take her out, she is only good for an hour and wants to come home. Her siblings and in-laws r all gone. Mom was very involved in Church but the minister doesn't visit and very rarely friends. Yes, she gets depressed, wouldn't u. TG she gets to socialize at Daycare 3x a week.

I think every situation is different and the people that see the day to day have a better idea of how to deal. kudos navamaze, very helpful post. For me I know MIL is using those words to manipulate. She has dementia but her clarity moments are evident to me. When she thinks we are trying to change ANYTHING that is her go to. I had to introduce a new blood testing gadget. The old one's test strips are discontinued and this new one requires much less blood, the strip can be stay in the machine till enough blood gets on the strip for a reading. As soon as she saw the new box, she whips out "I want to die!!!" As I tried to explain.."Then I must be discontinued too I want to die". Unfortunately she couldn't have her way. I tested my blood showed her how easy. No different. My daughter stopped by after a distress text and I tested her blood(it was high :() Actually the high reading distracted the whole situation. So I guess redirection, and outside intervention helped. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and whisper in their ear something meaningful. "You are my favorite person" whispered in her ear helps us both.

My mom is 81years and showing signs almost 6 years now of dementia. I am the youngest of 5. And, I am the only one she tells "I am tired, I am ready to go with the Lord , I am ready to go home.." It hurts me a great deal. At times i don't want to accept this is how my mom got. I was in denial for almost 4 years she is heading in this direction. But, I finally accept her condition. The most I try to do now. Is support her emotionally and mentally. Give her words of comfort. And, hope for the best.
She is living with her daughter in MD. She wants to move back here with me. But, unfortunately, her daughter is refusing to send her. Why? Only God and her knows the Truth. But, my mom said to me 'let's just pray, God knows best..." She is tired of the drama between us her children.

It depresses me a lot. Bring tears many times to my eyes. Hoping my mom desires be fulfill before it is too late. It hurts. It really does. But, I am trying to maintain it all for the sake of my own family life too.

My dad died since my mom was 35 yrs old. Never marry back. Never took anyone. Worked all her life to take care of 5 children. Dedicate her life to God. Today, her dreams are not being fulfill.

As I write my story. I relive every moment. Every day. Every pain. Every fight. My mom does not deserve this. But, as she said, "God knows why or best..."

Let's keep praying for each other. Especially, being in these situations. It is not an easy road to be on to see your mom (parents) suffer.

In some way,agree with her feeling of depression. 'It is very hard to keep living when you feel so confused.'
'But we are here with you and we will see you thru this part of your wonderful life together. You are not alone. We are in this together.'
Some thing like the above might help her. Good luck. Just be present. That says it all. Very hard time for you.

My goodness RareFind......if I called 911 every time my mother had a mental health issue, we'd all be living in the ER! Just sayin'...........very old people mentioning their desire to die isn't very unusual, or cause for crisis intervention!

Sounds to me like she really needs some emergency mental health help. Call the crisis line on her behalf, they'll probably have you call 911

my 105 year old extended family Auntie said that the other day. I told her "only the good die young". and we laughed. She was mentioning she has purchased her casket and she just wanted to know why she was still here.

Thanks to everyone for your input. It's all helpful.
I think it's helpful for you to know the situation and I'm at fault for not explaining it. Mom has Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's and has lived in a memory facility for the past 9 months. She cannot recall most things, (previous husbands, siblings and even who I am at times), so trying to rekindle old memories is pretty much impossible. I've done that and she "zones out".
I'm an only child. Hubby and I can only visit once a week due to work schedules. We try to take her out to eat and a break from the monotony of the care facility. I have to order for her.
My mom was raised by very stoic, old country Swedish parents, so she is the opposite of a "touchy-feely" person. It actually agitates her to be touched and you can feel her tense up. So much for hugs, kisses and rubs. (Never had that as a kid, either, although I love it).
I will ask the geriatrician connected with the facility if he thinks it would be a good idea to prescribe antidepressants but I'm hesitant to further alter her already compromised mental state. Medication titration and side effects can be tricky in the very old.
She is able to walk with a cane but needs to be strongly encouraged to get out of bed. Previously she lived alone for 30 years so she's not very social. In her younger years she never had any girlfriends (I'd die without mine!) much preferring to be the center of attention with men. To this day, she prefers talking to my husband over me.
I will try to change my response to her "I just want to die", and attempt to get more response from her, instead of shutting down the conversation. I see now how my "when God's ready for you" response discourages further conversation.
Since she is aware that she is failing (in memory only-her body is as healthy as a horse) I would assume that she's disgusted with her plight and limitations and may not see a future. She'd be correct.
What a lousy situation for everyone. I hope the end for her would be sooner than later, for both our sakes. I can never make her situation any better and her disease will only get worse.
I know there is a reason for everything in life. What does God want us to learn from this? That we are not invincible?
Compassion? Patience? Empathy? I've been told all of life's difficulties are allowed so we have a need for God. We cling to Him and He helps us with our troubles. Some of us just hang on by a thread. Ask then expect to receive help (maybe not in the way you thought).
I hope I do not suffer the same fate as my mother so I don't have to put my son through this.
It is too bad that we aren't mentally and physically healthy up until our last breath.

There are some GREAT ideas being shared here, thank you! My mother is constantly saying she wants to die, and how my deceased father is 'coming to call her' at night, 'tapping my shoulder and saying Come With Me'. I'm sick and tired of all the drama, frankly, since she's healthy as a horse and just trying to get a rise out of me. I'm not going to rise to the bait anymore, but say "We'll miss you when you're gone" or "It's OK to let go".....that one is my favorite, and certain to cause her to CEASE & DESIST with the comments intended to be hurtful.

Thanks everyone! :)

In all things, there come moments when the situation is so dysfunctional that function has to become the top priority.

I see this a lot--also with parenting of children.

That things work and that the basics are covered is the top priority.

Not someone's whim, not someone's preference, not someone's special memory, or antipathy, or proclivity. The basic system has to work.

FOR EVERYONE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parents and caregivers have to establish a system with rules.

I recently got a little dog and read some dog training manuals. Everything I read about dogs, rules, boundaries, limitations, should also be ground zero for people. How funny!

I can remember my mother saying she wanted to die when she was about 40 ! and I was a teenager.
Over the years, as a nurse I have heard it many times .. its a natural reaction for dementia patients. They dont remember living, so think death will be better.
My response to the person in my Mother's body is .. well arent you lucky, cos we all die, so yes you will. and turn it into a joke.
My Ma is religious, I am not, but she is not talking about the wanting to be up in heaven dying.. so I dont do the God aint ready yet, or no spaces in heaven... as that brings more worries
I check her over for warmth, no ingrown toe nails, bruises, UTIs, then get the staff to make her a cup of tea... and she is right again.
Next visit I find she is too young to die, and life is wonderful.
I put it down to we have some default settings, and "I want to die" is one that is at the bottom of the bucket, when memory fails , it pops up

I tell my 90 year generally cheerful mother, when she says such things, that I can understand how she feels, how hard it is to be 90 and forgetful and confused. I assure her I am with her to the end and that I am still learning from her; that she deals with her struggles so well (and this is true!). I tell her I always wanted a chance to take care of her and that God is teaching me much and I thank her for sticking around to help me grow. Lots of hugs and kisses and handholding and back rubs.

We have been through something that sounds very similar with my mother-in-law but we could not use the "god" answer as it was outside her belief system.

Frankly, if I had been in her situation I would have felt the same and would have wanted someone to help me die.

We couldn't do that. Instead we had to keep her alive, somewhat medicated but unable to change her feelings, and then to watch her suffer bouts with urinary infections and sadness until she died.

What I would want in a saner world is to have all my family around me, have them ask again the very good question of WHY I want to die, have people love me, maybe cry and say they will miss me but that they understand.
And then have someone put me to sleep forever.

My husband has Alzhiemers, after beating metastatic melanoma for 14 years that went many places, including to his brain. Until now he has never said he wanted to die. He always had hope.
I know I am going to hear from him very soon the words of his mother, "I want to die."
It is heartbreaking. We both had hoped if we had those thoughts a kinder world would be available.

my father was the exact same way, calling himself "sad and miserable"
after antidepressants he was back to his joking self.

I'd flat out ask her... mom, do you think you may be feeling that way because you're feeling neglected by me? Do you think that if I visited more, or did more for you that it would change the way you feel about wanting to die? If she's truly trying to raise the guilt factor because she is feeling negelected in some way, this would give her ample opportunity to express her true feelings, to which you must then be non-judgemental about or defensive about. If she says yes, that she wants to die because she's feeling neglected in some way, this opens to door to talking about what would help remedy that. If she says no, that's not it, then perhaps you could open the door for her to express her feelings about why she wants to die, instead of coming back with a curt "God will take you when it's your time" response. I think you close the door to understanding when you give that kind of response. Put yourself in her situation. How do you think you would feel if you had no more new experiences to look forward to in life and couldn't remember things or take care of yourself? It's difficult to be in your shoes as well, but I think empathy for your mother and allowing her to have those feelings and to help her express them would be a first step in the right direction. The last thing she needs is to be brushed off or to be made to feel that her feelings are either not acceptable or not taken seriously. One last thing, if she can't remember things, maybe you could bring memories alive for her through pictures, recollections, little objects that have meaning, singing to and with her... things like that.

You don't need to respond. The last time my mother went to the hospital, the doctor asked what she wanted. She said, "I want to die." And she did, a few hours later. She had many times said other people wanted her to die but this was the first time she told a stranger that.

I don't see why people like this just can't be put out of their misery like our animal friends are. They don't have to suffer but we do; it makes no sense at all!

Hi Thanklessjob, I am going through the same situation with hubby's GM whom is living with us until July 1st as we are moving her to assisted living. Your mother & our GM is saying the same things. I highly suggest getting her to a psychiatrist. I have heard the same for the past 3 years. GM is a diva too....not to mention dementia & she is psychotic per psychiatrist. GM also has a personality disorder which one....I can only guess narcissist as no one else matters but her.
I have wasted my breath, diversion etc .....alot is for attention at least for me it is....she can have 24/7 & it is still not enough which I am dealing with aggressive behavior, hatefulness & yes she is! She is 94....she is deliberately trying to hurt herself to go to hospital for her "CLUB MED" EXPERIENCE! This happens every 4-6 months. All of this for attention.....which is very bad due to she is self-harming to get attention! Does not matter, I stopped ego stroking a couple of months ago....I have her in Elder Day 5 days a week & her son-in-law picks her up for the day on weekend....still is not enough to quench I want attention....Its crazy as I am at my wits end dealing with this....she is on a bunch of psych meds but does no good as she is spitting them out/throwing them up after I administer.....Unfortunately I cannot keep her safe even from herself & I am counting the days until July 1st...MOVEOUT DAY! I hope this helps, but you definitely may need a psychiatrist on board....I had no choice...I cannot care for a person who refuses to cooperate....Hope this helps & you may contact me.
YOU NEED A BIG HUG!!! ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

I think this is common for anyone reaching this advanced age. Mom has wanted to die, since before Dad died in 2007. She would tell him every morning, " Poppa, it's time for us to go". She was ready at 85 and she is ready now at 95. Most people don't live that long, and if you are sick and feeble, you are simply ready to die!

Exactly how you responded. She has every right not to want to live. Who would with dementia? Just listen, and the good Lord will take her when He wants. Anti-depressants have too many side effects, she could fall and the results would be more agony. Just leave her be. God love her for living so long!

When I first moved in with Mom after Dad died, every time she got mad at me she said she wished she was dead. If she was saying this out loud, I had to assume she was having suicidal thoughts. So after a few times, I made an appointment for her with a psychiatrist and she was put on anti-depression, anti-anxiety meds for a while.

As her dementia progressed, she became increasingly anxious (a trait she exhibited as long as I've known her) and agitated to the point neither of us got any sleep. The doctor put her on a Seroquel generic and she's managed well on that for some years now.

Blessings to all of you during this challenge.

My Mother-in-law is 96 with good memory-can still walk with walker-fairly good health and she says "I do not know why I am still here, I'm ready to go" I respond to her by saying at my age I cannot understand that statement but maybe when I am 96 I might feel the same way knowing I am on the very downhill of life. She is in the same facility as her daughter, my wife, who has Alzheimer's but she is in the Assisted Living area and my wife in Memory Care. I tell her I need her help in taking care of her daughter by visiting her as often as she can. I am trying to give her some purpose but also acknowledge her feelings. I do visit both everyday.

That is hard to hear. Doctors do their best to prescribe medications to treat X but that drug can cause new problems with Y. So the doctor prescribes meds to treat Y, and that affects Z. Too many old people are living long, unhealthy, unhappy lives. The medical industrial complex has done us no favors. Once we start down the chemical highway there are hardly any U-turns. I can't remember the last family member or close friend who "died peacefully at home." I would first try to get a geriatric nurse practitioner to make a house call. Maybe meds are the answer but maybe not.