How do I respond when my mother says, "I just want to die."?

We have been through something that sounds very similar with my mother-in-law but we could not use the "god" answer as it was outside her belief system.

Frankly, if I had been in her situation I would have felt the same and would have wanted someone to help me die.

We couldn't do that. Instead we had to keep her alive, somewhat medicated but unable to change her feelings, and then to watch her suffer bouts with urinary infections and sadness until she died.

What I would want in a saner world is to have all my family around me, have them ask again the very good question of WHY I want to die, have people love me, maybe cry and say they will miss me but that they understand.
And then have someone put me to sleep forever.

My husband has Alzhiemers, after beating metastatic melanoma for 14 years that went many places, including to his brain. Until now he has never said he wanted to die. He always had hope.
I know I am going to hear from him very soon the words of his mother, "I want to die."
It is heartbreaking. We both had hoped if we had those thoughts a kinder world would be available.

I tell my 90 year generally cheerful mother, when she says such things, that I can understand how she feels, how hard it is to be 90 and forgetful and confused. I assure her I am with her to the end and that I am still learning from her; that she deals with her struggles so well (and this is true!). I tell her I always wanted a chance to take care of her and that God is teaching me much and I thank her for sticking around to help me grow. Lots of hugs and kisses and handholding and back rubs.

I can remember my mother saying she wanted to die when she was about 40 ! and I was a teenager.
Over the years, as a nurse I have heard it many times .. its a natural reaction for dementia patients. They dont remember living, so think death will be better.
My response to the person in my Mother's body is .. well arent you lucky, cos we all die, so yes you will. and turn it into a joke.
My Ma is religious, I am not, but she is not talking about the wanting to be up in heaven dying.. so I dont do the God aint ready yet, or no spaces in heaven... as that brings more worries
I check her over for warmth, no ingrown toe nails, bruises, UTIs, then get the staff to make her a cup of tea... and she is right again.
Next visit I find she is too young to die, and life is wonderful.
I put it down to we have some default settings, and "I want to die" is one that is at the bottom of the bucket, when memory fails , it pops up

In all things, there come moments when the situation is so dysfunctional that function has to become the top priority.

I see this a lot--also with parenting of children.

That things work and that the basics are covered is the top priority.

Not someone's whim, not someone's preference, not someone's special memory, or antipathy, or proclivity. The basic system has to work.

FOR EVERYONE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parents and caregivers have to establish a system with rules.

I recently got a little dog and read some dog training manuals. Everything I read about dogs, rules, boundaries, limitations, should also be ground zero for people. How funny!

There are some GREAT ideas being shared here, thank you! My mother is constantly saying she wants to die, and how my deceased father is 'coming to call her' at night, 'tapping my shoulder and saying Come With Me'. I'm sick and tired of all the drama, frankly, since she's healthy as a horse and just trying to get a rise out of me. I'm not going to rise to the bait anymore, but say "We'll miss you when you're gone" or "It's OK to let go".....that one is my favorite, and certain to cause her to CEASE & DESIST with the comments intended to be hurtful.

Thanks everyone! :)

Thanks to everyone for your input. It's all helpful.
I think it's helpful for you to know the situation and I'm at fault for not explaining it. Mom has Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's and has lived in a memory facility for the past 9 months. She cannot recall most things, (previous husbands, siblings and even who I am at times), so trying to rekindle old memories is pretty much impossible. I've done that and she "zones out".
I'm an only child. Hubby and I can only visit once a week due to work schedules. We try to take her out to eat and a break from the monotony of the care facility. I have to order for her.
My mom was raised by very stoic, old country Swedish parents, so she is the opposite of a "touchy-feely" person. It actually agitates her to be touched and you can feel her tense up. So much for hugs, kisses and rubs. (Never had that as a kid, either, although I love it).
I will ask the geriatrician connected with the facility if he thinks it would be a good idea to prescribe antidepressants but I'm hesitant to further alter her already compromised mental state. Medication titration and side effects can be tricky in the very old.
She is able to walk with a cane but needs to be strongly encouraged to get out of bed. Previously she lived alone for 30 years so she's not very social. In her younger years she never had any girlfriends (I'd die without mine!) much preferring to be the center of attention with men. To this day, she prefers talking to my husband over me.
I will try to change my response to her "I just want to die", and attempt to get more response from her, instead of shutting down the conversation. I see now how my "when God's ready for you" response discourages further conversation.
Since she is aware that she is failing (in memory only-her body is as healthy as a horse) I would assume that she's disgusted with her plight and limitations and may not see a future. She'd be correct.
What a lousy situation for everyone. I hope the end for her would be sooner than later, for both our sakes. I can never make her situation any better and her disease will only get worse.
I know there is a reason for everything in life. What does God want us to learn from this? That we are not invincible?
Compassion? Patience? Empathy? I've been told all of life's difficulties are allowed so we have a need for God. We cling to Him and He helps us with our troubles. Some of us just hang on by a thread. Ask then expect to receive help (maybe not in the way you thought).
I hope I do not suffer the same fate as my mother so I don't have to put my son through this.
It is too bad that we aren't mentally and physically healthy up until our last breath.

my 105 year old extended family Auntie said that the other day. I told her "only the good die young". and we laughed. She was mentioning she has purchased her casket and she just wanted to know why she was still here.

Sounds to me like she really needs some emergency mental health help. Call the crisis line on her behalf, they'll probably have you call 911

My goodness RareFind......if I called 911 every time my mother had a mental health issue, we'd all be living in the ER! Just sayin'...........very old people mentioning their desire to die isn't very unusual, or cause for crisis intervention!

In some way,agree with her feeling of depression. 'It is very hard to keep living when you feel so confused.'
'But we are here with you and we will see you thru this part of your wonderful life together. You are not alone. We are in this together.'
Some thing like the above might help her. Good luck. Just be present. That says it all. Very hard time for you.

My mom is 81years and showing signs almost 6 years now of dementia. I am the youngest of 5. And, I am the only one she tells "I am tired, I am ready to go with the Lord , I am ready to go home.." It hurts me a great deal. At times i don't want to accept this is how my mom got. I was in denial for almost 4 years she is heading in this direction. But, I finally accept her condition. The most I try to do now. Is support her emotionally and mentally. Give her words of comfort. And, hope for the best.
She is living with her daughter in MD. She wants to move back here with me. But, unfortunately, her daughter is refusing to send her. Why? Only God and her knows the Truth. But, my mom said to me 'let's just pray, God knows best..." She is tired of the drama between us her children.

It depresses me a lot. Bring tears many times to my eyes. Hoping my mom desires be fulfill before it is too late. It hurts. It really does. But, I am trying to maintain it all for the sake of my own family life too.

My dad died since my mom was 35 yrs old. Never marry back. Never took anyone. Worked all her life to take care of 5 children. Dedicate her life to God. Today, her dreams are not being fulfill.

As I write my story. I relive every moment. Every day. Every pain. Every fight. My mom does not deserve this. But, as she said, "God knows why or best..."

Let's keep praying for each other. Especially, being in these situations. It is not an easy road to be on to see your mom (parents) suffer.

I think every situation is different and the people that see the day to day have a better idea of how to deal. kudos navamaze, very helpful post. For me I know MIL is using those words to manipulate. She has dementia but her clarity moments are evident to me. When she thinks we are trying to change ANYTHING that is her go to. I had to introduce a new blood testing gadget. The old one's test strips are discontinued and this new one requires much less blood, the strip can be stay in the machine till enough blood gets on the strip for a reading. As soon as she saw the new box, she whips out "I want to die!!!" As I tried to explain.."Then I must be discontinued too I want to die". Unfortunately she couldn't have her way. I tested my blood showed her how easy. No different. My daughter stopped by after a distress text and I tested her blood(it was high :() Actually the high reading distracted the whole situation. So I guess redirection, and outside intervention helped. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and whisper in their ear something meaningful. "You are my favorite person" whispered in her ear helps us both.

I wouldn't go for meds. My Mom has said the same thing, she is ready to go. She has no life, as such. She can't enjoy reading anymore. Can't hold a decent conversation. She realizes something is wrong. If we take her out, she is only good for an hour and wants to come home. Her siblings and in-laws r all gone. Mom was very involved in Church but the minister doesn't visit and very rarely friends. Yes, she gets depressed, wouldn't u. TG she gets to socialize at Daycare 3x a week.

Anytime someone is constantly obsessed with wanting to die and actually speaking it, there really is cause for concern and it really does need some proper professional attention. Always talking about wanting to die is a big red flag that a person suicidal tendencies, it's just the way it is. The person really needs help before they have a chance to harm themselves because you don't know that this person won't. I've known a wide variety of people in my life, and some of them were suicidal, and what you're describing is definitely a big red flag. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the truth like it or not. Again, I know what I'm talking about because I've known those kinds of people, and you never know when they may harm themselves when they go obsessing about death and wanting to die, something is definitely wrong inside. If I didn't have some form of encounter with people like this, I wouldn't be able to warn you like I'm trying to. I have no reason to lie, the person really needs help

So sad, but at least she isn't in terrible pain. I kind of know how she feels. It's very hard for a child to hear such things, but I have heard and seen such suffering from other people! She's being well taken care of? And has no bad physical problems? At least there is that. I know that doesn't help much, but just listen, be sympathetic, and use distraction when you can. God bless!

Don't worry about that we will all be there soon and my nan was 96 and that's what we used to say to her and she was happy when we said that to her

I am wholly supportive of life review and pet therapy. Some ALFs allow pets and sometimes the facility will have its own cat or birds. Life reviw is valuable to all. You ask questions about your loved one's life and you get to share in his/her memories and they get to have someone patiently listen to them. Photo albums are good prompts. Listening to their whole story is important but make sure you leave enough time. It's hard on the elder if you jump up and just "have to get going" in the middle of their story. Elders who say they just want to die - if you ask, "what makes you say that?" Will be a learning experience for you. I wish you well.

My mother-in-law would say this to my husband at each nursing home visit. He simply responded that he was the wrong person to talk to about that, as he wasn't God. She would laugh at that.

Mzeiner....that was the perfect response!!! lol

i haven't read the other answers so don't know if i'm repeating, but here goes: my mom is very similar to yours, independent and living alone after a brutal marriage. her reason to live after retiring was driving from jersey to virginia to visit the daughter who had the two grandchildren. when her mind went rather suddenly, or at the least most noticeably, i took her away from being put in a home near that daughter, which she was willing to come with me even though it meant leaving the grandchildren, because her worst fear was to be "put away in a nuthouse" and living under the direction of that horrid husband. we live across the country now, the calls are few contrary to the level of expressed concern by that daughter, her other children (yes, these are all siblings, half-siblings, of which i am the oldest) don't call enough either except the oldest daughter in line behind me. she at least calls once a week but she also has dealings with the horrid husband which makes her untrustworthy. we live in my house on a property that is secluded, perfect for me, not for her the social butterfly. she misses dating, she misses her kids, she knows she is confused and at times living in the confused hallucinatory world of memories that are intermingled with dreams and real life. she's eighty, so half an anti-depressant in the morning in her coffee and half of one in her coffee in the late afternoon keeps her fairly stable, but being a sundowner, the evenings are hard no matter what. the "i want to die" 's come often and with a vengenace. i try to remind her that she couldbe in a wheelchair, paralyzed, any kind of thing that would make her immobile or unintellgiable at all, but she is consoled for only a little while. the only thing that makes it through if i can get there is the remembering that i rescued her from living in a home, then she is grateful, sorry for inconveniencing me, which i reassure her was my choice, not hers. sometimes even all that doesn't work. i just keep plugging along with tryiing to make her happy but realize that when her confused brain takes over, she has to work it through and suffer it the best he can. i offer to be there to help, and leave her be, checking on her once in a while, which usually only leads to arguing some more. this morning i just read this to her, and she thinks the way she acts "stinks". good for her. the good and the bad moments do not outweigh each other. they are what they are, and tomorrow is another day.

By the way, during the day, like now, when i tell her how she behaves in the evenings, some of them, she thinks she's an asshole and admits that she does not really want to die and is grateful for being here with me.

When I spoke to my mother this morning, she told me she 'wants to die' yet again, so I pulled out one of the comments used here and said, "You're talking to the wrong person, tell God" to which she started crying & saying " I DO, every single day and night." I went over there during my work lunch hour (lives in an ALF) and she was holding court and stuffing herself with lunch. These comments of hers are designed to get a rise out of me, nothing more. And again, I rose to the bait and went over to make sure all was ok. It's alright though, I do it out of concern, but oh brother, I guess I'm the biggest patsy on earth. She spent the entire lunch time talking about the other women (and in Italian, so nobody would know) and complaining they forgot to toast her bread.

Certain behaviors are reserved for certain people. Her mask falls off with ME and me ONLY, now that my Dad is gone. I will try to remember that the next time she's crying and telling me she wants to die.

Can't remember if I weighed in on this--my mother used the threat of suicide all my life as a way to "control" us kids. 5/6 of us ignored her, I took it seriously and, wow, still in therapy to get through some of the residual anxiety and drama of that (b/c she'd tell us "You'll find me dead somewhere and it will be YOUR fault"--put that on a 5 year old and see how they turn out....) Anyway, now she's 86 and slowly crumbling, she has no desire to die, in fact states quite openly that she plans to live another 20 years. Go figure.

If she said to me now "I want to die" or "I am going to kill myself" I would respond either . "Yes, you will die someday" or (to the suicide threat) "Please don't leave a mess". Sounds heartless, I know, but she does not have much dementia now--just a general forgetfulness that is getting worse (my 64 yo hubby is WAY more "demented" than she is).

IF she had dementia, I would be much more understanding. She's a drama queen and we're all tired of her antics.

Thanklessjob has posted that her mother has advanced dementia. If I were in that condition and I was telling my daughter that I wanted to die all the time, I think I would appreciate a medication that could lift my mood. I wouldn't want to feel low all the time and if meds could help with that, I would welcome them.

Well, I followed the advise (to open up conversation) and I was mildly surprised with the answer. When she mentioned it again last Sunday, I said, "Mom, why do you say you want to die?", she was speechless. She didn't say a word for a good minute and a half. I think she would have let the subject drop but I pressed on. She said she was unhappy because she has a chronic headache that nothing can cure. (That's true, the doctors have tried absolutely everything. It's from the dementia and it's more auditory noises and voices in her head than an actual headache. If Morphine doesn't phase the pain, then it's not real pain. Also, don't forget, this is the hypochondriac speaking.)
When I asked what I could do for her, she said, "Oh, I don't know." Then she said, (smiling) "Sometimes I say that but I don't really mean it." I asked her if she was trying to make me feel bad and she said, "I have no idea." Same answer to why she doesn't tell the staff at the memory care facility that she wants to die. "I don't know."

Seems to me like this is a way to get attention/sympathy. The smile during the confession that she "doesn't mean it" says it all. Sure Mom, do anything you can to get more sympathy, more attention, make me feel bad/inadequate. At least I know the truth now and won't respond the next time it's said. Once a narcissist, always (even in Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's) a narcissist. Glad I didn't waste a lot of emotional time on this "problem".
Even though I found the reason why MY mother says such things, I'm not discounting that other dementia sufferers (or just the elderly in general) may mean something different and may need different intervention.

You already have great insight into your situation. My mom just passed away from Alzheimer's at 82 years old earlier this year. I was her primary caregiver and kept her in my house for the last 5 years with some help from my 2 siblings, but it was mainly me and my daughter since she was 18 y/o. I've wondered many times what we should learn from all this. The Bible does tell us to honor our parents and being there for them is a big way to do this. My mom would sit on my couch and say "I just don't understand what's happening to me." I would try to explain it to her best I could and just tell her to try not to worry because we were going to take care of her. I think you're right about learning patience, empathy and compassion. There are so many things in the last 5 years I wish I did differently. I wasn't as patient as I feel I could've been. It wasn't my mom's fault she was going through what she was going through and at the same time, I'm not a healthcare worker and was just trying to fumble my way through each new situation at it was arising. I'm still trying to figure out how to get through each day without her because she was such a big part of my life. Now for sure I do have more empathy and compassion for people going through the same situation because before I didn't fully understand it. The Bible also says that we go through trials so we can better understand how to help others. But trials are painful, if they weren't I guess we wouldn't learn from them. God bless you!!

Bringing in animals to a nursing home, or children - I can't begin to tell you how much the residents love that. Their faces postively light up. It is so touching. I wish I had a dog or a child now, I would bring either along on my visits.

Nasmir --
You've brought up a good point. During the time my mother with dementia was just "existing" in our family room, my 14 year old began acting out in school and I was afraid I would lose my new job for taking off so much time from work. I finally found a good family run group home for her.

I just watched a video on facebook about a grandmother with Alzheimers who said to wanted to die and her granddaughter brought her a baby doll. It was so cute and it seems many people have tried this with good outcomes.

I just googled it and the video came right up. Interesting, may be something you want to try.