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Since my grandparents passed, my mother has lived with me. My mother is fully disabled with MS. However (and I am not the only family member who thinks this) there is likely some Munchhausen syndrome going on. Pile this on top of her narcissism, and I am heavily lost in the F.O.G.... I am engaged to marry next spring, and our first child is due in November. My mother has weighed heavily on mine and Fiances relationship. There is constant stress that I am not willing to deal with anymore. I have spoken with my mother as well as her lawyer (her financial conservator) and expressed that the time has come for her to find her own way. I cannot deal with the tension anymore and I want to start my family without the negativity. She is and always has been a VERY toxic and manipulative person. She refuses to do ANYTHING to help herself. She doesnt pay me rent. She constantly asks me to do things for her that she is capable of doing herself. She hoards in her bedroom which is gross and Ive spoken with her about multiple times. Doesn't bathe. She smokes like a chimney. ect ect....
So back to the point... I have spoken with her and the lawyer... We have discussed low income housing, purchase of mobile homes, etc etc. I have done a bunch of leg work myself to find homes for sale, view said homes, find apartment applications and so on. Now an important fact is that my mother received a large windfall from my grandparents. Roughly 180k which is now in a trust and managed by the lawyer. Right now it seems the lawyer is deadin the water regarding getting my mother somewhere on her own. I dont want to put my mom out on the streets. (fog?) BUT I fear my due date will roll around and my mother will still be in my home. This is NOT an option. Im at my wits end and am not sure what my next course of action should be? Formal eviction? Agency of aging evaluation?
HELP!!!!!

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Neither your mother's doctor nor her lawyer will be looking out for YOUR interests. As long as your mother is living with you, they don't have to be concerned, right?

Secondhand smoke is a health hazard, so she really needs to be out of your place by the time your baby is born. She is already jeopardizing your health.

Your mother is taking advantage of you (which I am sure you realize).

Are there any other siblings?
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Yes she always has taken advantage of people... No I am the only child... Its looking like Im going to have to force her out, but Im not sure how to go about that :-(
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A couple questions- how long has your mother been living with you? Does your mother have Medicaid?
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In order to fully understand your position/options going forward with your mom, you might want to consult an elder attorney of your own. A letter to your mothers attorney from your attorney might make mothers attorney realize he is going to have to do something different. That you are going to take action. A 30 min consultation might be all you would need to understand what is needed. You may have to evict mom to get her out. It's good you have been looking but you need to know bottom line what is available to your mom financially to move forward. Congrats on your upcoming marriage and your baby. I hope you can get this straight soon for you and baby.
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I inherited the home from my grandparents when they passed in early 2013. My mother had been living with them for years. So I sort of inherited her too lol. Her name is not on the home in any way. She has Medicare I believe. I always get medicare and medicaid confused. I have a call into a lawyer for a consult, but even her receptionist seemed confused about my situation. If she could afford the home I have said multiple times that I would leave and she could have it... but... she cannot afford it and cannot manage maintaining it. She needs a small apartment. Or condo. Or perhaps assisted living. In the end I am so over her manipulation I just want to get away from her... I hate to say it but what she chooses as a living option, Im not really worried about. As long as Im free of her
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I inherited the home from my grandparents when they passed in early 2013. My mother had been living with them for years. So I sort of inherited her too lol. Her name is not on the home in any way. She has Medicare I believe. I always get medicare and medicaid confused. I have a call into a lawyer for a consult, but even her receptionist seemed confused about my situation. If she could afford the home I have said multiple times that I would leave and she could have it... but... she cannot afford it and cannot manage maintaining it. She needs a small apartment. Or condo. Or perhaps assisted living. In the end I am so over her manipulation I just want to get away from her... I hate to say it but what she chooses as a living option, Im not really worried about. As long as Im free of her
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The house is yours, yes? Then sell it out from under her. You might want to ask your lawyer if there are any legalities you would have to observe in your jurisdiction, but I'm sure you would be able to sell.
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How was your mom managing when she was living with her parents? Was she doing more for herself then or were they doing everything for her?

I realize this is neither here nor there as it relates to your immediate problem but I guess I'm trying to get a fix on what she can do for herself as it relates to possible new housing for her. Is your mother ambulatory? Is she able to cook - what level of disability is she dealing with - can she adequantly preform the necessary activities of her daily living?
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Is the lawyer you are consulting a specialist in Elder Law? That may be important.

It may be kind of hard to explain in a sentence or two to a receptionist, but what you are asking for is pretty straightforward:

1) My mother has been living in my house with me. I want her out. What steps can I take to achieve that?

2) My mother is fully disabled with MS.

I have tried to help my mother consider other options. She will not cooperate. I am done trying to help her.

What agencies, if any, do I need to report this to?

Answer #1 is probably going to be "eviction." It is question #2 that makes me think an Elder Law attorney might be needed for your situation.

Good luck! Let us know how this unfolds.
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The inherited house came with unseen strings attached.
The F.O.G. is reaching out from past history, expectations of your Mom and you way before you were born.
Yes, sell the house.
Provide for your Mom as best as you can, and move on with your life. It is a caregivers responsibility to see that she is cared for, NOT necessarily doing the hands-on caregiving yourself.

Best of everything in your new life.
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The receptionist isn't the one to talk to, nor take seriously, only the attorney.
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Just change one thing today.
Your mindset will become a lot less complicated if you can say:
"How do I help my mom move".
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When my grandparents were alive my mother was roughly the same as she is today. Manipulative and full of self victimization. She barley leaves her room. Wont bath but maybe once a month. She would mooch money of them (as she would rather spend all hers on junk food and cigarettes.) She would do as little as possible in the way of chores if she could get one of them to do it..... The lawyere Im waiting to call me back is indeed an elder law attorney. Im really hoping she is able to help me solve this issue as neatly as possible. I dont want conflict. I dont want to be "the bad guy" if I can help it. I just want her in her own place ASAP so I can have my home and sanity to focus on my growing family... Anf yes indeed "How do I help her move" is the question. I try what I can. I locate applications for apartments. I research local communities. I give copies of everything to her and the lawyer. Ive called Agency on Aging. Im not sure what else I can do. I thought the lawyer was going to purchase one of the 3 mobile homes I went to view... yet nothing has come of that. I left a message with the lawyer inquiring about where we stand... but nothing yet. *sigh* what fun.
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I should add that my mother is very capable. She will play off like she cannot do much. However whan a situation arises that interests her she will do anythign you or I do. For instance I have to wash her laundry because she says she cannot handle the basement stairs.... yet when Fiance and I were organizing the basement and cleaning up a few months back, guess who came down the stairs no problem? She has been like that as long as I can remember.... Its sad really
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My mothers lawyer just called me back. It was a positive conversation. She said that a housing authority in a near by town got back to her asking for paperwork and to schedule an interview. Since we cannot trust ,y mother to do things, I have to do some running around to get a copy of her birth cert, and divorce papers. The Lawyer said she had waiting on doing anything with the mobile homes as an apartment would be better for her in the long run. I understand this since its the lawyers job to make her money last. I reiterated that I really would like her to be out sooner rather than later do to my pregnancy and what not. She stated she would go ahead and call on the mobile homes to get the ball rolling there too.... so... running around I will do and we will reconvene lol
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Keep us informed! We are cheering for you!
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I agree with JeanneGibbs! We are cheering for you!
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Yup, we are your serious cheering section.

There is a thread on this board about a woman in a similar situation. I need to look for the thread. You might learn from what she did.
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Her name is Tinkster. Her most recent thread is " things cannot continue this way".
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My own parents were in a tangle exactly like this. Grandma was a huge burden, and no one else would help. My uncle (her son) had POA, but his sole interest was to make sure all the money was saved for his inheritance.

Finally, my folks called a family meeting and announced they were move out at the end of the month. Family (uncle in particular) had better figure it out fast. Then, they promptly took a 2 week vacation to Vegas. They had been grandmas full time, live-in, free caregivers for over 15 years when they pulled the plug.

It worked. Suddenly POA had to step and and move grandma to a facility asap.
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Katiekates post is a good example of what is at the core of a good percentage of the problems we read about here at AC.

It's seems most people- well maybe not most but it looks that way to me - are first and foremost concerned about what's best for them. That's not necessarily a bad thing - except when it comes at great expense to someone else.

So many agendas seem to center on "what makes me most comfortable", "how can I continue to live as I please", "what's the best/easiest way to save me/get me more money?"

Left as collateral damage is the family member- the caregiver who is trying to do what's best - the right thing for the person,  who a lot of the time, is at the root of causing the problem - throwing the very person whom is their best chance for survival - under the bus.

Honestly, I just don't get it. And I think that's probably a good thing.
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How is the Trust set up? My nephew has a Special Needs trust that cannot be used for food or housing. That is what his Social Security is for. If you haven't, find out the limits of the Trust. How old is your Mom. If under 65, to have Medicare she should have Social Security disability. If 65 or older, she should have Social Security. Again, tell the lawyer that your Mom needs to find a place of her own. Ask if that happens does her Trust allow for an aide. Or, maybe, she can be placed in an AL where when her money runs out she can then started on Medicaid. Is there anything where ur grandparents felt by leaving u the house they expected u to take care of Mom. Do u and ur BF plan on staying in the house after marriage? If so, then Mom needs to be told again that she needs to move into place of her own because you need a place of your own. You shouldn't have to sell ur house but it may be the way u have to go. Then get an apartment and tell Mom there will not be room for her and u will help her look and give her a deadline and stick to ur guns. People like ur Mom will prey on any weakness.
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UPDATE: My mother has an appointment Monday with Middletown Housing Authority. Im hoping that goes well. I am still waiting to hear back from the lawyer which I have reached out to repeatedly, If I do not hear back this week I will look into another lawyer... My question for all you is this... IF it does come down to an eviction... how much notice is fair? I know there are legal minimums, but would you extend it to provide her more time to find other arrangements??? Im always fighting internal battles :-(
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If you are able to go with your Mom to the appt., that should go well. Stress the urgency of the situation, that she will be without housing on this date.

If she goes to the appointment, doubt that there will be a need for an eviction.

For a neighbor who was wanted out of a place renting a room, I went with her, when mgr. showed her the apt., she asked how soon would she want to move in?
Hemming, hawing, will have to ask her son, don't know.

Many hand signals (me behind her) had her moving in on
the first. Saved her dignity, she had no idea what was in store if she did not agree to move. Bold moves, baby steps.
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