How do I protect myself and my parents from a sibling who has chosen to not communicate with us?

Thank you all for sharing. Apparently an elder care attorney is needed.
DofNarcissists and Davina, I am sorry you had to deal with a narcissist family member as I was married to one for 27 years so I understand your pain. Although undiagnosed, my sister exhibits these same behaviors and has done so most of her life as she pulled away from family. It is always someone elses fault, she is never responsible for anything but wants and needs affirmation on anything and everything she does even if it was 10 years ago. The social worker tried to set up appointments with her on her time for family meetings and she agreed to it but then didnt show blaming the social worker for not confirming (when we had the text messages proving she knew).

There is always 3 sides to every story (hers, mine and the somewhere the actual truth) so I get that. I want my sister to be involved and to see our parents but she has to deal with the demons in her head and mind in order to do that. I have offered to leave the house so she can come over and not see me or to take my dad to the mailbox so she can pick him up and go to lunch and not come in but she chooses not to do so. Because its not just me she is angry at its my dad as well because he called her out on her behavior. This journey with my paretns although sad, has been a true blessing to me in that I get to see even more how true love is suppose to play out. I hate it that my sister is missing that the most. Thank you again for your responses.

It was good to read the previous two responses. I was thinking the OP should have money for the sale of her home invested and that she should pay rent and receive a salary at her parents home-to keep a legitimate paper trail of documentation

DofNarcissists--I was thinking the same thing. If the daughter has gone no contact, there's a reason. I'm also a daughter who "ran", who disappeared for 15 years and had zero contact with her mother during that time. My mother also has narcissistic personality disorder, and my sister, mommy's darling, is a sociopath. Both disorders run down both sides of my family. I recently returned to the family fold because my mother is 90 and I knew that my siblings were doing nothing to help her. Sure enough, it's like it always was--they use her for money and favors but don't call or help or care about her. I always helped and watched out for her and now I'm back in the same capacity. My mother was jealous of and cruel to me most of my life--she really worked at running me out of the family. She now claims that she has "no idea why you left". She has a close circle of friends and relatives who think she walks on water and they would never believe the mean things she's done to me and select others. Please know that the daughter who ran may be the good daughter, not the bad one. Narcissistic mothers commonly set up this type of family pattern.

I am the sibling who doesn't communicate with the family. My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my brother is a functioning sociopath and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I could envision either my mother or brother writing this sort of question to a group like this.

I have tried to get my mother to go see an elder law attorney. I have told her to tell the attorney that her children don't get along. I have told her to tell the attorney that I am legally physically disabled (with a hidden disability) and that my brother does not believe that I am disabled, that he thinks I'm making it all up. I told her that having an elder law attorney involved would be in her own best interest, so that she has good documents that will speak for her when she can no longer speak for herself. I want my mother to select trustees / executors that are NOT family. She REFUSES to see that she is creating problems for herself down the line, that her do-it-yourself documents are not appropriate for her situation and will cause a huge headache if she needs either the Living Will or her POA to be used.

Most of the time, when someone decides to have nothing to do with the family of origin, it's for VERY good reasons. There is a serious problem in the family. Instead of going to an attorney first, I would consult a Elder / Geriatric Care Coordinator who is also a trained mental health professional and take it from there. The problem may be with you and your parents and the 'rogue' sister is actually behaving rationally (which is my situation). If it's the other way around, the 'rogue' sister has problems, the Care Coordinator might be able to moderate a family meeting so that the problems can be worked out. Then, I would go to an Elder Law attorney.

Are your parents in good enough mental health to have sister removed as co-trustee? (Funny the word uses the base of "trust" but has little to do with "trust", often when enforced). If you alone are trustee, sis can rant and rail but do nothing.

I'd check with an attorney. An hour spent with one specializing in this would calm your troubled soul. You have enough on your plate w/o wondering what rogue sister "may" do.

Good advice from the other posters.

Been there. Expect the worst. If possible, it would be better for everything to be in your control. If you can do that, your sister will probably still try to make trouble but the courts are used to this - she will probably just hold things up. The fact that your mom is in hospice might complicate things. Changing wills close to death is suspicious to the courts. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.

Are your parents aware of the potential problems? And do they know that what they do with their lawyer is private? The non-communicative sibling does not need to know.

Another thought...you need to know what they have specified to do with the home. Is it to be sold and the proceeds are split equally between sisters? Are you to inherit the home? You are owed absolutely nothing, but you do need to know so you can be making plans for living arrangements after they pass.

If you are intending to be there until your father passes and the house is to be sold upon his death, a stipulation could be put in the will saying that in the event that you are their live-in caregiver at the time of his passing you can stay at the house rent free for a specified amount if time before the house can be sold. That way you have time to grieve and then make plans for new living arrangements.

Your parents are aware that she is not communicating. This shows a lack of investment, and commitment to your parents. Is that the kind of individual they want running their money and do they trust such a person to be fair and equitable with their estate?

You have made sacrifices and made yourself vulnerable in order to be there for them in their time of need. Share your concerns with them regarding your vulnerability and her lack of communication and commitment to the family. If this is a revocable trust they should be able to change things so you are the sole trustee and they can make you the sole executor of the will.

Understand that when your sister finds out, there will be h*ll to pay. You must make sure that your conduct and execution of your duties are beyond reproach. You must execute exactly as your parents stipulate - no rationalizing that it is okay to make exceptions because you sacrificed and took care of them and she didn't. It is a thankless task and you must have Honor and integrity to do it well.

Who has POA? If you have it then I wouldn't worry too much about her. I agree, a lawyer is a good idea.

I always tell people that if you think there will be a family member who will cause problems later when parents pass on, then you need to go to an elder care attorney. You have to protect yourself.

I have a sibling who be difficult - (long story) and when mom came to live with me; we went to an elder care attorney. Mom's wishes will be granted, but I am the executer, trustee and POA. Sometimes it's better to have one - depending on the family situation.

Talk to your parents, express your concerns, what do they want?

You could also place your belongings in an rented storage unit.

If she isn't communicating, how are you guessing what sister might do? If she does attempt any of these worst-case-scenarios, you will need to consult a lawyer immediately.

You need an Elder Care attorney.