My in laws have moved in with us, because it became apparent to their daughters that they could not care for themselves. I am OK with taking care of them. But it is frustrating at times because they rely on me for everything. Even things they did for themselves when they lived on their own..(hanging up their phone, looking up phone numbers for them, shopping online for gifts for other family members, finding her a new watch, calling their bank, finding things they have misplaced, etc.) I understand that, but they expect me to drop everything. I am setting boundaries and working through the frustration. The problem is that I was trying to discuss it with my husband (their son), and vent while at the same time state my issues out loud so I can find a solution.. He became so angry and 'threatened' to tell them its not working. He was angry with me!! Of course that made me angry and I said, 'clearly you have no idea the work that goes into this.' He got even angrier. What the hell?? I didn't respond after that. I'm curious as to why he is not superbly grateful that I have agreed to let his parents move in, and I made their space lovely. I cook a beautiful meal for all of us every night. My mother in law is gluten free so that is even more work. I'm confused by his outburst, and by the fact that he 'threatened' to tell them they had to find other arrangements.. Does he think he's doing me a favor by having them here? Did he think I was going to back down and say, "oh please don't do that!" They are not my parents and I've been kind enough to treat them with loving care, and patience. I have worked very hard to make them comfortable and he yells at me? I don't want to cuss but I am feeling like a *&^%$ secretary, cook, house keeper, chauffeur, therapist, and social committee all at once. And to boot, after I was discussing our day, before he freaked out, he said, "just so you know, Im going sailing on Sunday. And I want you to take pictures." EXCUSE ME?????? (And it's Valentines day) #$%@&^*

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Maybe he SHOULD tell them that it's not working out.

It sounds to me as though he is stressed by all the work that you are having to do to make life easy for his parents.

I would accept his offer and say "yes, you're right, this is too much work; we need to get our life back."

Find them a lovely Assisted Living facility where they will have numerous staff members to assist them.

You guys can go back to being loving kids and advocates for them.

Believe me when I say thay THAT is a lot of work!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Is he going sailing without u? What are u supposed to take pics of?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to XenaJada
frustrated45 Feb 12, 2021
He is actually kite boarding (some people don't know what that is) so he wanted me to take picture of him kiteboarding.... selfish **&^%. And yes, pamzimmarrt, his sisters couldn't take them for a week. They stayed with us the summer our son died for a month, I could not grieve because she cried (and by the way told me she felt sorry for her son, my husband. While I comforted her, after my son died.) Then they stayed for three months the next summer and they went to stay with one daughter at one point and she sent them back after a week and a half because she could not handle it. I do love them, but its very hard. And I'm pissed that my husband is being such an ass. He can do what he wants... like I give a crap if they leave. I was just floored that he threw that out like a threat. Jack ass.
So his sisters decided that the parents could no longer live by themselves.. but you GOT them ? That says something to me...
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to pamzimmrrt

A Girls Weekend is how.

You: Girls weekend: with your sisters or girlfriends *out of town* with phone off.

Him: Taking care of his parents.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to Beatty
againx100 Feb 15, 2021
I love it!
See 1 more reply
He listened and clearly got the message that it wasn’t working out and jumped ahead and suggested that he would ask them to move out.
You have worked really hard but you weren’t ready to throw in the towel. You just wanted him to sympathize, to lend an ear if not a hand, That it was too hard for you etc. he didn’t want to listen. Fine for them to be there if you took care of everything but if you wanted anything from him, then let’s get them on their way.
Frustrated, it’s all on you. You are making it all to easy for all three of them to not notice the heavy load they have settled squarely on your shoulders.
Time to take stock. If you don’t want this as your life then put the brakes on.
“ Here’s the camera Hon, Take pictures of me packing my bags and be sure to get me as I drive away for a long weekend.. Be sure to text those over to the sisters to give them a heads up”.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to 97yroldmom
frustrated45 Feb 13, 2021
Thanks! You hit the nail on the head!! He slept upstairs last night, like I care. I think its going to be hysterical if he does anything by give me a sincere apology and beyond. I am having my coffee with the dogs, then I will shower and head off to somewhere. Just for the day. And take it from there.
Thank you for the understanding and support!!!!
Oh, girl. Let us know how your day away went. Yes. Maybe use part of the day to make those arrangements with your friends for a long weekend away.

And, yes. This is NOT working for you. Caregiving has to work for ALL parties. YOU are important, too.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to cxmoody

Forgive me, but I think you have far greater issues than taking care of your in-laws.

Not that I am advocating for you to take care of them, unless that is something you want to do, deep down. I am referring to your relationship with your husband.

You said your son died. That is dreadful, and I am so sorry for your horrific loss. I can't imagine any pain worse than that of a parent losing a child. It is unnatural for your children to predecease you. Have you and your husband even had a chance to grieve together? Did you end up be the defacto caregivers because people *thought* it would take your minds off your loss? Has your husband always been this selfish, or is he just running from pain that he cannot process or understand?

There is a lot of underlying anger in your posts (and if anyone has the right to be angry, it's you), both on your side and your husband's. His reaction to your complaints about his parents seems to me over the top for the circumstances. It just makes me wonder how long it has been since your son passed. Running away from the pain, trying to ignore it or keep yourself busy enough to not have to deal with it only postpones the healing process. But you have to grieve to get to the healing. If this is misplaced anger on both of your parts to avoid the grief, I really think you need to seek grief counseling - both of you, either together, apart, or both - before you make any major decisions.

I am so sorry you have to go through this, and my prayers are with you and your entire family.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to notgoodenough

Its only going to get harder. The more you do the more will be expected from you. It was nice of you to try but you married your husband not his parents. The sooner you tell everyone its not working out the better off you'll be. Its terrible your taking care of HIS parents while he's out kite boarding. Sounds very selfish of him. Its NOT going to get better...take care of DESERVE better.....
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to 1golflady

I don't know what your guy is like but his reaction is typical for some of the men in my life, they want smooth sailing and any bump in the road causes a melt down, especially any real or implied criticism results in a toddler tantrum a la if I can't have it my way I'll just have nothing at all - there, are you satisfied now!😡
If I were you I'd take your hubbie out of the equation completely and speak directly to your inlaws about how after this trial period you can see that it just isn't working out for you, and offer to help them find somewhere else. A little pre-planning on your part could include a presentation of available options.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to cwillie
PatsyN Feb 16, 2021
Great idea, but I suspect her husband will still stick his nose in after she's done this, lay the guilt on her, reinvent history etc. That's what mine would do--did when his parents used to come and "vacation" with us for weeks on end. He could never say no and always put them first. We've been married 40 years.
After reading your replies to some of the responders, I too have to agree that your husband is an "ass." I see only one solution(other than leaving him permanently)and that is like someone else said, you planning a weeks getaway with some friends, and leave him there with his parents all by himself. Don't pre plan any meals ahead of time for him, or anything else, and let's see how he fairs while you are away. I would put money on the fact that he will probably be so relieved to see you walk through the door, and will be the first one to suggest that you both start looking for someplace else for his parents to live. Have fun on your getaway!!!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to funkygrandma59

From what I read him "threatening to tell them its not working" means to me he doesn't like them there. These are his parents. He should be doing the brunt of the care unless he works. I would keep setting those boundries. By doing for them what they can do for themselves, is disabling them. (Word from another member) Them relying on you will only get worse.

Make a list of things you do on a daily basis. If husband works, pick the ones that could wait and he could do. I would even tell his parents that "John can do that for you when he comes home". If FIL needs more hands on, like bathing or toileting, that should be ur husbands job.

Time to plan a weekend away. My friend had a nice one just going to the beach and renting a room. She was able to quarantine but still get away. That leaves DH taking care of HIS PARENTS.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29
jacobsonbob Feb 16, 2021
It's very possible the OP's husband really doesn't want his parents living with them, but he's afraid to be the "bad guy" to tell them that. If he spoke up to them, he would probably tell them "my wife said...." while acting as if he DID want them there, while letting his parents think his wife is being "selfish" and doesn't want them there.
How do you make him understand? You let him do the work.

As others have said, it could mean you going away. It also means redirecting the work to him. “Sure, MiL, I can have DH stop by to help you with your phone when he gets home. I am swamped today.” Said with a smile. “FIL, sorry you can’t find your ___. Hey, DH, could you help your father find his ___? Oh, not now, we’ll go tell him that, then you two can work out a time to look for it.” You do not have to be in the middle of it.

To me, it sounds like you have taken a lot of this on (out of love) and now - as is often the case with elder care - it has mushroomed into more and more. DH probably doesn’t know how to fix it. You don’t either.

He probably *feels like* he DOES do things for his parents because they are there and he thinks about them. He may feel subconscious guilt that you are doing so much, and he is too afraid of parental displeasure to fix it. He may have thrown the thought of sending them on their way out there because he wants that but has no way of saying it on his own. He may WANT you to agree. Then again, he may just be an ass. We have no way of knowing that which is why I am bringing up some thought processes that cause people to lash out.

Caring for aging parents is brutal on a marriage. Even a strong marriage. Right now, both of you are frustrated and, as someone else mentioned, you may be hitting some unresolved tension in your marriage.

Don't let this confluence of crap ruin your marriage unless the marriage truly isn’t worth saving. And do not use this point in time as your litmus test for marriage. Think of before and after. All marriages have problems, but before your trauma and his parents moved in, were you relatively happy? If they moved out tomorrow, would you feel that your life together could be a pleasant one?

You can only control your actions. Do you take time for yourself or are you waiting for him to notice all you do and say, “you do so much, take a day for yourself”? Of course, it would be great if he said that. But, you don’t need him to say that for you to actually do something you want to do. He is obviously signaling that is ok based on his own way. If you are waiting for that, have you considered that you can be adding to the problem instead of solving it? People can find comfort in taking a more martyr type position. But, it rarely helps to strengthen relationships.

I truly do not intend to be rude with that comment. If you look inside honestly and see none of that, than disregard what I am saying.

That being said, you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to help and understanding. These are his parents. He is responsible. And it is your house. If you both aren’t on the same page with having them there, then they need to find other arrangements.

It also sounds to me that they may have been more compromised that either of you thought in bringing them into your home. The things you are doing to help, as well as their urgency in needing them done, in my experience, sound like there is a cognitive issue going on there. This adds a whole additional layer of stress.

If you two can come TOGETHER on this and be a united front against the aging challenges, you can salvage this. It may take some hard conversations. But, it might give you time to relax into each other a bit, if you both commit to each other first and then start working on getting rid of false guilt and start questioning assumptions (him - I am giving up on my parents if they don’t live with us or I am already working, etc... I need my time off too, so DW should be doing the work for my parents, or you - I can’t change my mind on in-home caregiving or I give so much and no one cares, but I won’t actually just take care of myself with firm, kind and gently-laid boundaries.)

How long have your in-laws lived with you?

You sound like a loving DIL who has a pretty good relationship with your in-laws. I hope you will find some peace going forward. Truly.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to 499HopeFloats

Tell hubby right now that they’re his parents: he AND his sisters are the ones responsible. Does anyone believe that caregiving is still only women’s work? Don’t give into this, DIL! This is not just YOUR job; it’s his & his sisters’. Your instincts to help are totally appropriate, but they are not YOUR job to take on alone!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to annemculver

"My in laws moved in with us." Mistake #1,2,3....
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to careinhome

Oh my he sounds like someone who is out of touch with reality and selfish to boot.
If after your approach to try and help him understand the situation you are in and your feelings, he is unreceptive and oblivious either you two need to see a therapist together to work through this or let him find other arrangements. This doesn’t bode well for your marriage. Usually stressful situations bring out and make the cracks in a marriage even more apparent. I would guess he’s always been like this but now it’s even more apparent. He is not sensitive to your needs at all.
You feel like all those occupations you listed because you ARE doing all those things! Boundaries are good and essential and so is the sharing of responsibilities.
Personally, if he is unwilling to go see a therapist with you, help divide up the chores then yes, let him make other arrangements. Because this is not going to get’s going to get MUCH harder as they age. And what if your husband should die suddenly...say of a cardiac arrest, get cancer, a stroke etc? There you are with his parents. have you thought of that? Get them into a facility with meals and activities and get your marriage back on track would be my advice.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Harpcat

I am glad to hear you are setting boundaries, however, IMHO I feel that in reality your husband isn't able to accept the decline of his parents. He remembers their vitality, and only wants to see this, so when you express to him all the things you do for them on a daily basis, you are forcing the reality on him that his parents are no longer the superheros he remembers. While this isn't an excuse, it is real, and it happens in many families. I suggest you get some counseling and hopefully get some help from them as to how to deal with both worlds in which you live in, the care provider, and wife. I honestly hope that you will be able to get your husband to come to a few sessions. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to thingsarecrazy8

Unbelievable--maybe not--that your husband it putting this all on you. This would definitely be my in-laws if they hadn't moved several states away; we moved into a smaller house because they would come and stay for weeks at a time, get bored, start fighting and picking never dawned on them that they needed to leave before that started. My MIL would come in and take over, yelling at the kids, demanding it was time for dinner at 5pm...Your post brings it all back.
I don't think anyone understands how hard this is unless you're doing. I work 6 or 7 days a week and have been traveling six hours round-trip Sundays to help my parents for about 10 years. I've only picked up a bigger load since my Dad died from COVID in September. Now I manage my Mom's finances too so even when I get home Sunday, there's a couple more hours of that. I think my husband thinks I just party all day the trivial stuff he hits me with as soon as I walk in the house. Congrats, though: Your husband sounds like quite the jerk.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to PatsyN

I would suggest that caring for his parents in your home is very stressful for both of you. You are doing all the caring and your husband is not blind to that fact. He may feel stressed or neglected and chooses to "run away rather" than deal with the complex issues. You are correct in realizing that there need to be good boundaries and that care giving is a tough job.

Here are a few suggestions

1 - Get more help. Family members, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help can lighten your load so have some "me time" and some "we time" (time for you and your husband without his parents). Both of you should get 7-9 hours of sleep, 3 unrushed healthy meals, time to take care of your own health needs, and time for recreation.

2 - Set a date or dates for you and your husband every week. Ideally, the two of you should have time together to have fun every week... and do NOT deal with problems on your date.

3 - Establish a strategy meeting weekly to discuss the care giving situation. Make sure to focus on problem-solving and not personalities. When anybody vents and brings up problems, most men go into problem-solving mode. If the venting is constant, he will feel like this situation isn't working. Unless there are major problems that need to be addressed immediately, save telling him problems until the "work meeting." This time will be when you define problem behaviors, establish boundaries, and come up with solutions.

4 - If you find that you and your husband are getting upset and can't have a peaceful strategy meeting - invest in counselling sessions together. A counsellor is a professional in dealing with relationships. He or she can help you both to stay objective and working together as a team. There are even counsellors that you can meet with online.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Taarna
MargaretMcKen Feb 16, 2021
And is OP supposed to take responsibility for organising all this? As well as doing all the work? DH is going to go along with it willingly? And OP keeps her mouth tight shut until the weekly strategy meeting?

This all sounds like a lovely idea in theory, except that there is very little chance of it working. And as it's all OP responsibility, it's even more her fault if it doesn't work.
You are a very resilient person...I commend you for speaking up so that we can chime in with encouragement..

Your husband is totally unreasonable..Double that, make it exponential to the 8th power..that is how bad he is...

Is he employed? If so, does he work from home or away from home? Also, how many hours a week? Do you work at a paid job outside the home or inside??

Does he do anything to assist you in caring for his loved ones? Do you get out to the grocery on your own while he watches his parents?

First, I suggest you talk with your pastor, rabbi or priest. I am certain they can give you some suggestions or at least refer you to a counselor..(If to do this you must bring in a paid helper to cover them in your absence, do so.) Do not bargain with your in laws about this...Just have the helper show up and you have your car in a position to drive off. Deal with the inevitable loud lament from the inlaws later...And I add, deal with your husband's yapping at you as well.
You may want to tell him that the word "husband" stems from the two words,
"house bound." There is a reason for that.

Sailing..Indeed...Does he want you to go along to take pictures? Sorry, I don't understand. Who would care for his parents?

You are already being roughed up unreasonably verbally. That is terrible.

You said: "*&^%$ secretary, cook, house keeper, chauffeur, therapist, and social committee all at once." That is not only true, but it is likely still not the whole of the bad situation...I commend you..

You may want to be fearless and tell your husband that you are going for a walk and have this discussion on your computer ready for him to read. Do not argue..Just say 'I'mwalking' and walk out the door. Don't come back for a good while...

The days or browbeating one's spouse are long past. However, not all men (usually men) practice this..

It is time he wakes up and smells the coffee.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to OldBob1936
Matrix Feb 16, 2021
Some good advice Bob except talking to the 'pastor or priest'. Why to reach for the fictional sky-god when we have scientists and professionals at your disposal?

A doctor, a therapist is more equipped. These horrifying stories that religion saddled us with always talked about women sacrifice and superiority of men. They are perpetuating abuse on women and children. They should be outlawed.

Sorry but you made me so angry with writing that.
See 4 more replies
I should have added to get some "away" time as so many others have done..
You could just say, "Next Monday I will be going away for x days for sanity and rest." I am sure your parents will be so grateful for you to take good care of them..

Do not argue...Even if he chooses not to show up, just leave and be back when yo told him you would be.

Bless you,

Old Bob
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to OldBob1936

I have not yet read through 18 other responses so if this is repeating any of them then heed the advice.
First thing you you have to understand is..
You can not MAKE anyone understand something, do something. You can state your case, your frustrations and hope they understand.
Now for the suggestions.
Let your In-Laws fend for themselves with some of the tasks they are asking you to do. They will wait, ask their son or do it themselves. Win-win-win for you.
Talk to them and tell them that you will set aside time for them. (make this what you can do. A full day 1 time a week or 1 hour each day whatever works for you. If something comes up that is urgent you could either give in or ask their son to do what needs to be done.
Your In-Laws can hire help. (please note THEY pay for this help) the help can be for the entire household laundry, light cleaning or the help can be just for them.
NOW for reality check...This will NOT improve. They will continue to decline. They will need more help. Find a time to discuss with your husband the What If's that will be coming. Discuss options. Move to Assisted Living? Move to Memory Care if that is necessary? Have full time caregivers come in? Is your house, or their portion set up "barrier free" if not is that something you might want to have them pay for?
BTW..are the sisters helping out at all with some of the things that they can do?

And a side note for you.
Please discuss with your doctor the added stress you are having at this time it can and probably will effect your health.
I also suggest that you take a day each week for yourself. (2 times a month if you can not make it weekly) Let your husband care for his parents and you go do something. A walk, a drive, just find a place where you can read, work a puzzle anything that will get you out of the house and let your husband experience a full day of caring for his parents. (you don't make breakfast, lunch or dinner on your "day off")
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Matrix Feb 16, 2021
Sorry but what kind of advice is this? Take two days off per month? For her husband's folks and with his attitude? It is not her job to do this, even if she is a homemaker. She is burnt out and she needs her space.

Yeah, the best would be for them to move out, nursery home as it is only going to get harder. There are also issues in marriage if this hard work is assumed to be hers.
Some great advice below. I think you need a get away and let husband take over and get a good wake up call about care for his parents.
Set boundaries and limit time with them. Find a part time caregiver for them for their busiest and neediest times.
As long as you continue to be at their beck and call 24/7 it will continue and get worse.
You are entitled and deserve your life. Seek outlets that you enjoy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to InFamilyService

@&!$(?! is right!! I’m guessing that between the lines, your husband is scared/angry, watching his parents become so dependent and incapable right before his very eyes. Sometimes those we love the most become the “target” for our frustrations. I don’t know, but I wonder if in your long marriage, you’ve been in the unspoken role of caretaker, with kids, household, maybe even him. You’re now experiencing a change in the dynamic of your household with your disabled in-laws moving in. And you’ve singlehandedly taken on the Herculean effort of caring for them. Bless you for doing so.

And now it’s time to Dump, Delegate and Discuss. Dump, any “to do’s” you can, both in your personal life and in doing for the in-laws, that which is not entirely necessary. Does a home cooked meal have to be made each night? Could you order in at least once a week? Could in-laws help financially with cleaning/paying for meals ordered in?, etc.

That leads to Delegate. What might your husband be good at or capable of doing to help with their needs? Is there anyone else in the form of an agency, neighbor, or family member that can help out, either occasionally or consistently?

Your need for definition of roles and CONSISTENT respite is crucial here. It sounds as if this process has just begun and you’ve done your very best to try to make it work. This is not only about you, but affects everyone in your household, including your husband and his parents.

Which leads to Discuss. Your in-laws may or may not be capable of identifying and prioritizing their needs. You and your husband need to sit down and figure out how to manage this together and not assume responsibilities. This will be a process, not just one sit down conversation!

I wish you the very best in this endeavor. I pray your husband will come around as a team player and invest in his parent’s final years. Good luck to you all!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to grlover

sounds like he is "all about himself" and nobody else matters. Tell him you don't like sailing and find a way to take pictures himself. sorry.....but I too am a caretaker, granted my mother is not living with us nor would I ever even consider it. too many differences in everything (temperature of house, the loudness of tv) and I have a brother 1/2 hour away (10 years older) but can only manage to come up 2 times a month for 2 hours each time, where I now have to go up 2 times a day to deal with compression socks which she don't like to wear at least 6 times a week. I know my husband understands but there are times he says "well she is 93".....excuse hardly ever went to see your mother when she was in NH, so don't tell me anything. Just like you.......YOU are doing your very best to be accommodating(slavelike) to your inlaws when you could have said you didn't want to handle that. are you paying attention to your hubby? maybe he feels left out, but after all you are doing in a days time, i can imagine you are exhausted and why "pretend" to be enjoying time with hubby when all you want is some down time. Maybe you should plan a week vacation by "yourself" and let hubby know what all needs to be done and that you will see him in one week. turn off phone and have a relaxing time. wishing you luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to wolflover451

How? By handing over all of the planning and caregiving to your husband.

You are enabling your inlaws to do less and less for themselves. Enabling is disabling. The more you do for them the more they will let you to do for them.

Do you really want them living with you for the foreseeable future? Do you think things are going to get better? Their needs are only going to increase far beyond them asking you to look up telephone numbers.

Step back. Start researching senior living for them.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
BurntCaregiver Feb 16, 2021
NYDaughterInLaw, you hit the nail on the head right there. "Enabling is disabling". It's doesn't do seniors any favors waiting on them hand and foot because it will chip away whatever level of independence they may still have and it will turn them into invalids. Years ago I cared for a client who was all but invalid with LBD. Even though she was completely dependent, every morning I made her wash her own face with a washcloth, comb her own hair, and feed herself. She could still do these things for herself. One time the visiting nurse came when she was eating lunch and was shocked because I wasn't feeding her and she was making a mess. I explained to her that I didn't care if she messes I clean it up and that I only feed her if she's having something that she can't pick up with her hands because I wasn't going to take that one small independence away from her.
Sure, it would have been faster, easier, and less work for me if I spoon fed her meals to her every day, but it would have robbed her of what small independence she still had.
See 1 more reply
Hi, Frustrated45.
Everyone here knows your story all too well. So many of us have pretty much become slaves to an elder care situation. Your husband does not understand this. Based on what you've written here, it sounds to me like he doesn't do any of the caregiving for his parents and thinks that what you're doing isn't hard and that you're just being selfish and complaining. Please put him onto this group. Maybe seeing all of our stories will better explain to him what your life (or should I say lack of) has become because of his elderly parents because so many of us are living in the same situation.
In anger he says he's going to tell his parents they have to make other living and care arrangements. This is supposed to be some kind of threat to you so you'll maintain the status quo in your house of being a slave to his parents in silence? Please. That's ridiculous. When he makes that threat tell him to go right ahead and that you'll come with him.
As for the parents refusing to do even the most basic tasks for themselves. That's something entirely different to be sure. I always say that being a caregiver to family (especially for elderly) must be done on the caregiver's terms. Not the recipients of the care. Otherwise it will always fail.
You allowed the situation to cross over from what was originally supposed to be assisting the elderly parents in a shared home, to an all-inclusive vacation scenario for them where they don't have to be responsible for themselves or any part of their life even though they're able. You home isn't a luxury resort in the Hawaii with hundreds of staff to wait on them hand and foot. This happens all the time. They say with age comes wisdom, and this is true. Elderly folks are masters at manipulation, guilt-tripping, and making a caregiver look like the worst person in the world if every demand and whim they have isn't met immediately by their caregiver, and that caregiver better do it with a smile and be more than happy to do it.
You can change it though. You see the parents every day because they live in your house so you can get an idea of how capable they are at doing for themselves and what they're not capable of anymore.
Then STOP WAITING ON THEM! I can't stress this enough. Make them do for themselves where they can, and most importantly, make them learn to wait. Don't drop what you're doing because mom can't find her watch or because they want the you to call their bank immediately when they want it done. Stop fixing all kinds of special meals for them that you serve up with a smile and fetching them anything they want the second they want it. Most importantly, make them learn to wait or do without if it's a ridiculous demand. That's not helping and taking care of their needs that they can take care of themselves anymore. That is spoiling and you're paying the price for it now.
Elderly often have a lot in common with children and have to be dealt with in much the same way. When you wait in a child hand and foot and cater to their every whim they turn into spoiled, ingrate, entitled brats who think the whole world owes them. The same applies to many elderly as well.
Make them do for themselves where they're able to by refusing to do it for them. Make them help out in the house as well (where they are able to). Give them chores like cleaning up after themselves, folding the own laundry or washing the dishes after dinner if they can. Make mom look for her own watch for a while before you step up and help her. If they or your husband don't like it, then too bad.
Maybe you should book yourself a week at that luxury resort in Hawaii I mentioned. Tell your husband you're going on vacation.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
NavyVet90 Feb 16, 2021
Best response ever. I wish I could give this a thousand likes!
See 1 more reply
My husband needs help for everything full time. His kids never help.

In your case, your husband should carry 100% of care for his folks. If you step in here and there that should be a favour.

This is like adopting a dog and demanding (and getting angry) that someone else is not taking care of it.

Just tell him it is hard on you, and that you will step aside and let him help. Let's see how he likes it. (years ago men felt that housework is nothing....some cavemen still do).
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Matrix

Super simple. STOP. Just stop. NOW. Right now. Invent an emergency that you will need to be away, far away, for at least a week, preferably two. I agree with FunkyGrandma. Your husband is an A**.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to PoofyGoof

Think you already know - it is not working out. Either Share the load with his sisters - 1 month here 1 month there etc. or have husband take total care of them while you go "sailing" or wherever you would like to go. Right now you are the unpaid help instead of the wife and daughter-in-law. If he wont split the care giving with you - find a great assisted living place for them while they are still able to make the move. The caring just gets harder and 1 person cannot do it all.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to desert192

When people get angry, and that happens when you're talking through an issue with them, I think it's worth bearing in mind that while he may be angry and express his anger in a way that feels like it's directed at you, it's not necessarily you he's angry with or about at all.

There are lots of issues here. The one that pulled me up short first was - eh? What the heck? Your SILs observe that their parents are not coping alone... and, er, so, they - move in with you? ??! Explain, please?

So there is possible resentment of his sisters' brilliant idea. Or there may have been insistence on his part, perhaps in opposition to their views, that his home (and yours) definitely won the Best For Parents prize. There may be determination that this must be made to work (which he internally has anxieties about). He may illogically resent that he's not getting enough of your attention! He may have felt guilty that you're the one getting squashed under this rock, and reacted by blaming the victim (he wouldn't be the first...).

Anyway - the point is that logic don't come into it, his feelings are probably very conflicted, whatever else, and they exploded.

What do you and what do your parents-in-law, and what do others who are entitled to have an opinion, think might be the best way of exploring options?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse
User777 Feb 16, 2021
I think you are on to something. My SIL came up with the plan that my MIL would alternate between our house and hers. Once MIL was in our house, SIL determined her house was not appropriate. My husband did help out, but he was extremely stressed. We argued, which we never do. I think his anger was at his sister and the situation, but it got misdirected to me. My advice- start investigating senior living. This is not sustainable.
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