How do I make my husband understand living with MIL with dementia is making me crazy, and it’s not her it’s him?

Dealing with pee and poop is way above my pay grade. It disgusts me, quite frankly. My mom has serious incontinence and I took her to numerous appointments with urology and women's health but it was too little too late due to her dementia. She couldn't/wouldn't do the exercises nor could remember the techniques to try to wait longer, etc. Well, that's neither here nor there since grandma is obviously waaaaay beyond this point.

This is no life for any of you. The stress is not good for any of you. Grandma definitely can feel the stress around her. I would talk with hubby and do what someone else said - he needs to step up and take care of her himself if he refuses to have her placed.

Who has POA?? Hubby needs to tell them that you guys are DONE. As in right NOW, done. Grandma needs to be placed somewhere ASAP, not in a month or two or three. He needs to stop avoiding this and grow up and deal with it like an adult. Now. It will not be easy or comfortable and there will likely be push back from other relatives, but screw them. They are being jerks by letting you deal with this horrible situation and just turning their backs on grandma because they KNOW that this is not something they want to deal with. Though they will probably try to convince you guys to stick it out. That is a hard no. This environment is too much for anyone. And unhealthy too. Poop all over? No way. E-coli? Ewww.

Please talk to hubby today! Be kind and gentle but FIRM. Stand your ground. I would be prepared to take my son on a vacation without hubby to make him deal with it and get her the help she needs.

Good luck.

How absolutely terrible for OP--but also for MIL (or is it grandma-in law?). What a totally distasteful/repugnant/yucky environment for all involved. Ending up in MIL's situation is one of my worst future nightmares. "Bottom" line: how utterly humiliating and demeaning to be unable to control one's most basic bodily functions--even though MIL apparently is not consciously aware. She would likely agree, if she could, that neither her son nor OP should be trying to cope with this. It's time for professional care.

Make sure she is wearing adult incontinence underwear all the time. Put "puppy pads" on every place that she sits or sleeps - use the ones that don't have an odor added to encourage dogs to pee on them. Consider adding a bidet attachment to the toilet so that she can "be cleaned" every time she uses the restroom. Many people use laundry additives to help get rid of the urine smell in clothing and linen - check the laundry aisle and the pet aisle of your favorite stores. Consider placing her on a toileting schedule - make her go sit on the toilet - every 2-3 hours that she is awake. Lastly, get her a doctor's appointment. Make sure she doesn't have a UTI causing all the excessive urination. If infection isn't the problem, ask for medication to help her hold her urine better.

Next time he says you just hate my grandma own it. Say "Yes I am beginning to hate her. Caring for her is ruining our life together. The house stinks to high heaven and you don't even notice. She needs more care then we can give and quite frankly I really don't want to do this at all. You need to get her placed, have someone else take her in or I move out".

thanks for all the comments!!!! The day I made this post my son stopped peeing cause I bought a pack of pull ups and told him if he wants to act like a baby he will wear diapers like a baby. That pretty much cut that out. Grandma wear depends and has worn them since she moved in the problem is at night if she wakes up she will just pee in corner. It doesn’t happen as often now cause she no longer knows when she has to use the toilet. The other problem is that when we take her to the toilet she wants to fight and argue and resist to the point where I just don’t take her unless she has soiled herself. But when she does go on the toilet for some reason she misses the damn toilet every time, and when she has a number two by the time my husband is done changing her there is poo smeared on the wall the toilet seat and it is left there. It makes me crazy and his denial is making everything worse. Like I said the conversation stops when he tell me that age old you hate my grandma comment. as far as his family that’s what pisses me off the most she had 8 kids none help or even call to check on her, she has 8 grandchildren that I know of my husband being one and none of call help or check on them. My argument with my husband is if they don’t want to help then why am I expected to help.

Does your DH have no sense of smell? Mine sure doesn't!

I actually asked him if his mom was incontinent now and he said "I dunno". Seriously? how can you spend hours with her and not notice whether she goes to the bathroom or not? Or if she needs help changing her depends? He did say "well, I took the garbage out and it really stunk of urine."

OK, crazy man. That's b/c there's 2 weeks worth of wet depends in there and it's been 100 degrees for days!

This would be the straw that broke my back. IF MIL can't care for herself with toileting--and the smell of the house is affecting the QUALITY of your life, darn it, then things have to change.

When people become incontinent, it isn't just their CLOTHES that smell, it's the couch, the recliner, the bed, the carpet--EVERYTHING the urine gets into will take on that smell--and I'm sorry--nothing gets it out but to tear out and replace everything.

First, MIL needs help toileting--who is going to do that? Or she needs to be in Depends and able to change herself and clean herself? That would be the tipping point for your DH, I bet, if he had to wipe his mom's bottom. It's not like a baby's or even a 3 yo's.

Sorry/not sorry DH that you need to handle this. At least on the days he's home. It should be 100% on HIM to do this changing. I assume he changed diapers? It's not the same, but it's a chore that needs doing.

And MIL must at minimum have an 'undercarriage wash' every day. Using those huge 'no rinse' cloths that hospitals use, wet it well and hand it to mom to use. Be prepared to step in and get all the nooks and crannies. A shower 3 xs a week would be better, but you gotta live with what you have.

As far as removing the smells--after mom passed, YB pulled up all the flooring in her apartment and was shocked to find urine damage to the subfloor. The couch & recliner were both tossed as the smell was too awful to be cleaned. Really, none of mom's clothes could even be donated, since the urine smell was so strong.

Bowls of vinegar help. a little. But you have to remediate the actual source. If there are towels and carpets soaked with urine--at some point, they simply cannot be cleaned well enough for the smell to be gone.

Also getting the wet depends OUT OF THE HOUSE immediately helps. Mom would put her wet ones in a bag and put it in the trash. Weirdly, she wouldn't let anyone take it out to the garbage until Tues nights. So, a weeks worth of wet depends? You cannot fight that.

I wish you luck. I hope your DH stands up and helps.

This isn’t comical; it’s disgusting.

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all I had a similar experience but my MIL left smelly moldy little towels everywhere I don’t think it’s just the urine there’s a lot more going on . It’s ok to say that you don’t want this kind of life . Having this person in your home .

Jj0327: Perhaps your DH (Dear Husband) could take over several shifts of 'urine clean up duty.' OR this dynamic will have to be amended; MIL seeks managed care facility living. There exists nothing "comical" about the situation.

If you have a three year-old that you're looking after you cannot also look after an incontinent MIL.

She needs to be moved into assisted living. No one should have to live with trying to scrub piss and crap off of their furniture and carpets along with trying to look after a toddler. That is ridiculous. It is not comical in any way and your husband needs to understand that right quick.

Tell your husband plainly that MIL has to go and that's final.

Either she goes or you and his child do. End of discussion.

Find her an AL or LTC and move her there.

Well... sure call a caregiving agency ... then (realize) ...

Its time you move out *** (see below)

Your husband doesn't take you seriously.

As long as you 'spend my four days OFF cleaning ..." he will continue to expect you to continue to do so.

It isn't comical. This sounds very serious to me.
Joking about it sounds like stress release.

*** You need a respite / break anyway.
Either find a lovely Air bnb in another county ... take a week trip somewhere.
You need to let your husband manage this - or lose you.

I understand you have a three year old.
Either take him with you or get someone to watch him for a week, or if you think your husband can manage, have him handle the 'house' for a week - and see if that makes a difference. At the very least, you will get a needed time off.

You are not stuck. You need to take some action that will 'speak' to your husband.

Gena / Touch Matters

You are doing too much, this is your husbands mother, not yours, he should be doing the clean up not you.

MIL could be the nicest person on earth however, this peeing everywhere thing cannot go on. IMO she needs to be placed, as it is affecting your son as well.

Your husband doesn't get it because you are doing all the work, very common, men dump the caregiving on the wife and turn their head the other way.

This needs to be addressed now, as it will not get better.

Me, time to place MIL. (Your profile says grandmother in law) And if FIL is still there, him too. This is too much for you to handle with a job and a 3 yr old. By the way, huggie wipes work great for cleaning up. Bowls of vinegar may get rid of the urine smell.

I can imagine reaching for a "clean" towel and smelling urine. Yikes:( I believe you have reached your limit. You need to take pause and get your family on board with some working solutions.

Copy and paste:

https://www.pooph.com/?mid=12066380&dttrpx=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwr_CnBhA0EiwAci5sitQJNQ9qYB5v7MY7DtUwQh802keAs-ju0Ccvt1wXcF9p_fPiCfJ98hoCrawQAvD_BwE#order

Visiting Angels to get help on the night shift or have Dad move in her room at night and install a pee alarm (copy and paste) https://www.webmd.com/parenting/how-bed-wetting-alarms-work

https://newfrontiers.americangeriatrics.org/chapters/pdf/rasp_10.pdn

You're right it is a little comical 😆. Your 3 year old sounds like a very smart boy🙂

Get as much in home support help as possible! You mentioned a
" caretaker"; not sure who this is but I recommend that you have her PCP refer you to a Geriatric Case mgr usually a licensed social worker who can come into the home, assess the situation and provide you all with options to help MIL and YOU !
I am thinking that a team from a
" home health" agency that would include a RN, SW and aids multiple times a week would be helpful as not only do they provide direct care, they provide needed education for family members toiling with the 24/7 care in the home. Consult with her PCP, share these challenges, it may also be time to have a new " level of care needs" assessment done for her as her condition may have declined and new recommendations could be made to both accommodate her and provide very important guidance and support for you, your husband....
Bottom line: GET MORE HELP !

Oh my gosh, I would be going crazy too.

I am sure that your MIL is a very sweet lady and that you don’t have a problem with her, BUT she cannot control her bladder and is making your life miserable.

Is there a reason why she doesn’t wear Depends?

I am sorry that your son is mimicking his grandmother’s behavior.

Has your husband lost his sense of smell? Doesn’t any of this bother him as well? Why is your MIL living with you?

Have you considered alternative housing options for her, an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing facility?

What would your husband do if you told him, ‘Please do the laundry. I am sick to death of doing laundry and I am nauseous from the smell.’

I bet if you went on strike, he wouldn’t enjoy taking care of his mom’s smelly laundry. Say that you have a headache and refuse to clean any more pee!

Best wishes to you and your family.

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all, it sounds very very stresssful.

How have you gone with the usual advice? Remove all her normal underwear and replace it with Depends? Waterproof covers on everything – mattress, chairs etc?

With the three year old, I’d draw a parabola for him, and say that babies start unable to control the pee, then they get grown-up enough to use the toilet, then when they get very very old they can’t control things anymore. Does he want to stay a baby? Does he want to be a big kid and then be a grown-up? Does he want to get to be as old as Grandma straight away? Perhaps you stop calling things ‘an accident’ and teach toddler to say in-con-tin-ence.

Does she have to live with you? And why isn’t your husband the one who is scrubbing urine on his days off?

It is time for a come to Jesus meeting with husband. It’s a husband problem more than a pee problem.

You have a marital issue and he needs to understand that.

I’m so sorry. You deserve to be treated better. You aren’t the Princess of the Pee.

Your right to feel this way. It's not you, it's the situation. You are not alone. Nobody gets it unless they experience it.

Sounds like way too much peeing going on!

Is she wearing adult diapers or pullups? If not, do it now.