How do I maintain the health of my relationship when my partner prioritizes aging parents?

Sorry for your husbands loss. Now its what we do with mom. If she is meek as you say, she maybe easy to have around. But, don't forget its your home. Do not allow her to take over.

Eventually you will know where Mom stands financially. Her age will have a lot to do with adjustment. I assume she has a house that can be sold. At that point, and depending on her age, it will be time for her to make the decision on where is she going to live. If no health problems and can do her ADLs, maybe a nice Independent living. She will get her meals, socialization, activities and outings. Your husband may find Moms problem was Dad. She may bloom on her own. Transportation to shop and get to appts is usually provided.

Grm, so sorry for the loss of your FIL. A long battle ends.

Your caring DH may well be very raw. He also may refocus his helping nature onto his Mother. Just as BlueEyed said, your MIL will refocus her needs onto him.

I agree that this time of grief, change & transition may benefit from councelling.

MIL will be starting her next life stage. She may like to explore her options & obtain support too from a grief councellor or faith leader?

Why be a widow dependant on your Son & DIL for everything, inc all socialisation? Why not join a village life, with other people, women & men, for outings, activities, happy hour. Embrace this next stage.

Unfortunately - Grm, as sad as it is that his father passed away. It's not the end of the situation. Unless I'm mistaken, his mother is still with you. And I don't imagine it's temporary anymore. Her learned helplessness has transferred from FIL to DH. And I'm guessing she's there to stay.

When I read your story - I was reminded of my FIL's "solution" to his need for care as he aged. He never had a plan. It was MIL first, then when she passed, he fully expected one of his children to step in. He sort of "lucked" into SIL and her DH falling on hard times and needing a roof over their own heads and needing his financial assistance, because his other solution would have gotten him laughed right out of my house. And it got him laughed right out of my DH's presence when he suggested it. His brilliant idea was for DH to come take care of him...permanently. Now...I should clarify. Not DH....and myself (his wife of almost 30 years now) and our daughters (one of whom has Autism and is still in college and lives at home). JUST DH. He expected him to leave his family..PERMANENTLY to take care of him.

My point...sometimes our elderly parents aren't very realistic in their future plans. Some of them DO expect their adult children to provide their care permanently without regard to what it means for their lives. And in your case, your DH has given no indication that he won't be completely on board with this plan. And you add to that your MIL's learned helplessness - your DH is going to feel as if he can't possibly turn your MIL out to fend for herself. How on earth will she take care of herself, after all.

If you haven't already - I think you definitely need to look into counseling. For yourself. For your marriage. This transition already wasn't going to be easy. But considering the situation - it's going to be nearly impossible to extricate your MIL from your home. And does your DH plan to return to work now that FIL no longer needs his constant presence at the hospital? You said that MIL is healthy, just meek. That means she doesn't really need him to take care of her. He should have plenty of time to return to work. Help you support your family. Whether she stays or not.

I think right now you have to let things settle down because FIL's death is very fresh. But I think you have a lot of thinking to do. What your DH does now will tell you what you need to do. He needs time to grieve of course. But he shouldn't just settle in with MIL permanently to sit around all day and do nothing but hang out while you continue to work and take care of both of them.

I wish you all of the best. This is a difficult position to find yourself in and I hope you find the right answers.

Thanks to everyone for the responses. His father passed away last week after more than a year in the hospital. While expected, still a sad end to the situation.

Just know that until both of his parents die this is the life you are going to have. 8 to 9 hours a day at the hospital is insane for 10 months straight. Plus he lost his job because of it. I mean come on work your job and then visit dad when you get off work.

Not to mention his mother now lives with you. I have news for you mom is there to stay.

The only bright spot in this is that you gave a good paying job and can leave and find your own place or kick him out of your current place if it gets to be to much for you.

W/out meeting him, based solely on your story, he has to have been raised to be that way. That is unnatural, speaking as a man! Sounds like his parents made him their caretakers (ie responsible 4 them) vrs them being his growing up. Finding a way to undo (ie chip away over time) that unnatural yoke of burden & bondage he lives under with reality & Truth seems your only way out.
Something compulsory controls his thinking & emotions with regard to his parental duties that is fueling this. GUILT if he doesn't.... SHAME if he doesn't... Even FEAR of some sort. Again, no doubt by a constant drumbeat was instilled into him throughout his formative years. Undoing such a thing, is no easy task. People in gen, consider their emotions true ie allow them to control their minds perceptions of the world around them. U trust me and I tell you your best friend is lying on you, what do your emotions do? But your friend did no such thing, is loyal to you. Emotions react they do not think/reason. Therefore a mother or dad that molds a boy thru guilt to always react pos+ to any requests or demands they make, no matter how ridiculous, grows into a man who to AVOID GUILT or SHAME, just always says YES< YES< YES<, how high can I jump for you to avoid feeling bad about myself. The word is CONTROL!
But this is only true if it fits their situation. Your on the inside, ask questions, try to put together what is the cause of this. For $200.00 an hour a stranger can talk you thru it or we can all do our own homework and initiate necessary discussions our mates can handle from time to time to deep dive and learn what happened. What ever the control is, it has to be broken. You can't begin to break or chip away at something when you don't know where to start or what you are directly dealing with.
Men don't like to be analyzed by their wives no directly questioned. Your best tactic for success is to initiate everyday seemingly innocent inquiries when they pop up. Keep your eyes open for entries to such inquiries that won't feel like interrogations nor place him in a place of answering to you about why this or that about what he does with his mom & dad. Just coaxing stories of his childhood and interactions with his parents that might shed details on exactly what happened and how it came to be. Then you can see the progression to the present and be in a far better place to help him see the dysfunctionality he now sees as functionality. Place to start...

Grm133: Your DH (Dear Husband's) mindset is flawed. I don't quite comprehend why a man would quit his job to spend what used to be akin to the same amount of time of his 'work hours' with his father, who is being cared for by medical professionals in the hospital setting. Adding to the quandary is the fact that he's moved his mother in! That is very unfair, to say the least, to leave you as the sole breadwinner. Something must be amended and it must start with him as you're doing all you can to sustain the household.

Re: " I always assumed that was a thing he did when he was single, but he continued that even when we started dating and even when we moved in together. Every weekend."

You knew this was abnormal but went along with it. And you're still going along with it now, Hubby is part of the problem but so are you because you will not enforce your boundaries.

Re: "Partner visits his dad daily, spending anywhere from 4-9 hours (including commuting time) at the hospital."

There is no need for this unless his father is very close to death. He can get another job and stop by the hospital after work and on weekends.

DO SOMETHING and enforce it. Complaining endlessly doesn't change things.

Back to my first reply, I hope that you did have a look at the information on ‘enmeshment’. Reading it might make a good start to a conversation with DH. DH has been ‘living’ with his parents, not with you, for 10 months, and there is no end in sight. That’s abnormal, when there is adequate medical and home care available.

DH changes, or you do.

Head for the hills.

I wonder why he thinks he is needed at the hospital for such a long time. I would think someone would kick him out. Do he and his mom watch his dad sleep or what? Does she actually have a condition to stop her from being independent? She doesn't need to be shuttled around everywhere. She can get rides. Pretty easy to call for a ride these days. And she should go back home! Get some friends for company. Order deliveries for anything she needs. Your partner must think he is superman. The financial stuff, yes, he has to take charge of that, but he can do it from home. I'm sure you finally see that those overnights were a warning as to what would come. Nothing you can do now about having let that go on for so long, but now is the time to say no to all of this. You have some rights in this relationship too. Ask him to limit his responsibilities, hours, days, and energy spent on his parents. It won't make him a bad son at all, and it will make him a much better partner.

How old are your in-laws. It has a lot to do with the answers you get. 50s, 60s, even 70s they can still function on their own with a little help. 80s and 90s, maybe not so much. Actually, I find it weird that DH had parents over every weekend.

My DH was 34 when we married. Second one for me first for him. He did live home until he bought a house a year before. But he had gone to college and lived down the shore. Told me it was just convenient so he could save up for a house. He did for his parents, paid for a roof for their house and to have city water brought in. Among other things. But when we married, that all stopped. He now had me, a child and cat to support. I did work until my/our 2nd daughter was born. His family became #1. I was #1 which I don't think his Mom liked.

I really don't think I would have moved in knowing his parents visited every weekend. You don't say dating, moving in together and then married. Are you married? If not then I look at this differently than if u were. You now see what your future is going to be. Caring for his parents. His Dad was safe in the Hospital. Would he have jeopardized his job if you weren't there able to support him? He could have applied for Family leave and taken the time in increments. He then would have a job to go back to.

If your married, a little different but seems you are getting all the responsibility. Looks like to me Dad will never recover if he hasn't by now. Looks like he maybe 24/7 care. Maybe even Hospice care and ur partner and Mom won't except it. Bet ur partner will want to bring him home to care for him. So then u have these two people living with you or you with them. Are you willing to work from home with 2 people in your home vying for you and partners attention. To me, what you want will be of no importance because Mom and Dad are #1.

Seems to me you are not some 20 something year old still kind of naive. Your a woman who holds down a job that its felt u can do from home. Maybe lived on her own b/f moving in. Single or married, is this what you want for the next 10 to 20 yrs. There are members with parents 100 yrs old and older. Do you want your life centered around these two?

If your married, your partner needs to understand that you became #1 when he married. Your needs override his parents. If Dad is 24/7 care, he needs to be placed once discharged. If Mom wants to care for him and find the resources to help with that, then that is her choice. But your partner should not take on the responsibility. She and her son need to realize that he needs to get back to work. He needs those earnings for SS later. Dad being like this may now be his norm. So everyone needs to get back to their lives.

Marriage counseling would be a good way to go but don't hold out hopes that anything will actually change.

Your DH has it good. A wife who works and supports him and cares for his aged mother and supports his choices to spend all day at the hospital with his sick dad. He is fine, trust me, if you asked him what the problem was that brought you to counseling you'd get a blank stare. In his mind, since you are there doing your 120%, why is there a problem????

My DH is not a bad guy, but a clueless one, like yours. I refuse to visit his mother or have anything to do with her care (she is housebound and fairly independent)..and he blames me for it. She does NOT want to see me, and he DOES NOT want to go to her house alone. So, ergo, his 'issues' with his mom are my fault.

Marriage counseling was an epic, epic fail. Dh would actually make appts and then I'd show up but he never would. Our counselor was about 85, an old fashioned alpha male if ever there was one and he NEVER called out my DH for 'missing' appts, etc and all the blame wound up on ME. I walked out halfway through our LAST appt and never went back.

Unless both parties are at least 50% 'in' to the counseling idea, it will not work. And it's expensive and usually not covered by insurance. That was another huge bugaboo. This 'counseling' cost us more than $2K and we got nothing out of it.

Your DH can find ways to be supportive of his folks while not being their only go-to. He has to want to. You wanting it for both of you is pointless.

Grm133, I see the other side of the coin. Whenever I read that someone is so helpful, caring, and wonderful to their elderly parent(s).... that the same person would also do the same for you if you find yourself in a medical emergency.

I've heard too many cases where a spouse/partner just stands there with their hands in their pockets not knowing or not wanting to do anything to help.

You never discussed this before you married, albeit knowing how he was with his parents. For me, I have always known my limitations, and could never care for parents in my home, my own or his. It was clear it was never an option.
I can't know the circumstances under which he took parents into the home. Did you discuss? Did you agree to do this? Did you agree to later assess or assess as you were going how this was working for each of you and the marriage in general?
At this point I would suggest marriage counseling. That is if you care to work on it that much, because this looks like some major changing of a marriage that you had little to say about, that you were not asked about.
I would sit hubby down and tell him that you were wrong not to tell him early on prior to marriage that you had some limitations and one of them was the moving of elders into your home and your marriage. That this is not working for you. That you feel you should both seek a marriage counselor to see if your marriage can be saved.
Meanwhile, you are making a salary and he is not. Time to separate your finances into accounts so that he cannot freeze and access your finances. You may be needing a divorce attorney.
Make it gently clear to this man that you love him, but having parents in the marriage who you do not love is a deal breaker for you. That you are sorry you didn't make that clear. That you love him. That you will support him, but need to separate from him if you cannot come to a time limit in which the parents will enter placement.
For myself this would be it. For you, you must make your own choices, and I sure do wish you really good luck moving forward. Don't argue, don't rage, don't enter discussion when angry. Just sit down and gently make clear that you are sorry for your limitation, but there you are; you have them.

You don't have a relationship. You are being used to support them. Set a date to move them out of your life and stick to it. You deserve better than this for yourself.

It seems you are being used to support your spouse and his mother. It does not sound like your relationship is all that healthy in the first place.

I would suggest marriage counseling in an attempt to save the marriage, all the while knowing that may not be possible. Clearly you need help even discussing this issue together. We all have our limitations. Mine would have been that I could never have had parents or other family members in my home to get care. It would have been a deal breaker in my marriage/relationship. One must talk about these issues, and sometimes we need help to do so. I wish you the best of luck.

"How do I remain supportive but still keep myself?"

With good boundaries.

Think of it like a sliding scale. The right support level of others leaves room for care for yourself too.

However, if too much support is given out, if there are no limits, this errodes into your own needs.

Eg Being 'supportive' of DH's decision to make extra visits to his parents - in a short term hospital acute care crises situation. It may look like.. You picking up a few extra home chores, temporarily.

However, having to run the househouse yourself, financially support the both of you - with no end timeline in sight.. IMHO crosses the line into 'enabling'.

DH is not feeling the consequences of his actions. You are. This needs to be rectified.

If he wishes to be unemployed, be at the hospital with his Father & with his Mother - he can.
But this has consequences.

He needs to move out.
Taking Mother with him.

You don’t be supportive. Why support someone (husband) who is tearing your marriage apart? This is a terrible situation, and he’s the one who got you there. If you don’t already, you will feel deep resentment toward him, mommykins and daddykins. I’m so sorry, but I don’t see this getting better. He cares more about them than you. Tough to face, but better to do it now than five years down the line when you’re exhausted and mommykins hates you for being so nice to her. I hope you find someplace to go because I have a feeling that she’s not going anywhere.

I'm not sure how you CAN maintain the health of your relationship when your husband has abandoned his duties AS a husband and a provider in favor of spending all day every day with his sick dad in the hospital! And he's now moved in a fully incapacitated mother "temporarily" who's helpless to do a single thing by herself, leaving you in charge of supporting EVERYONE as he's lost his job for visiting dad full time. This is a rather unbelievable story, not that I'm doubting you.........it's just a shocking tale that a grown adult would do such a thing to his wife and give up his livelihood in favor of devoting his entire life to his parents. I don't blame you for being depressed. What on earth does your default future look like? As you said, you're not even at the point where you're doing full time care for either of his parents yet, you're just babysitting MIL right now, and working to keep your heads above water.

Ay yi yi. I'm so sorry for your predicament. Would your DH (dear husband/damn husband) consider marriage counseling? Does he see that a problem exists or is he so caught up in 'helping' his parents that he doesn't realize there IS a problem? If he's agreeable, and has any spare time after hospital visiting hours are over, then by all means, go see a marriage counselor. But he will have to be WILLING to take the advice given to him, ie: get a job, be a husband, let his parents live their own lives, even if that means they move into Assisted Living, etc.

You don't know what you're up against here, I don't think. What your DH expects of you, of himself, or what his long term plans are for the future. I think you have to ask HIM what those plans are, first and foremost, and take things from there. Because if his plans are to stop working for good to care for his parents in your home full time, then you'll have some long hard thinking to do. Is that YOUR plan for the future?

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan for how to tackle this problem you face.

If you spend some time using the search feature on this site, you’ll find multiple questions very similar to yours, I.e. adults prioritizing their against parent over their spouse. Sadly, it comes up far too frequently, adults who never properly or normally separated from their parents and maintain an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship for life. Often, these same enmeshed adults are completely lost and adrift when they lose a parent, far beyond the normal grief we all experience. Your spouse is hugely dysfunctional in this, in a healthy relationship, people grow up and don’t have sleepovers with their parents, they don’t lose their employment in favor of endless hours in a hospital, they don’t move a parent in to coddle her fear of being alone, they don’t forget to prioritize their spouse. I’m afraid he’s made his life choices and am sorry you’re caught up in it. Hopefully counseling is an option for you both. If he won’t go, do it for yourself. It’ll help you decide the best way to move forward for yourself. You matter too

Welcome! You are new on the site, and there are lots of resources that might help. You can click on Care Topics at the top right of the screen, then any of the alphabet letters you like, to find topics that might be relevant. The topic will probably have several professional articles on the subject, then often hundreds of old questions and discussions of other people’s experience.

You can also click on the magnifying glass next to Care Topics, and type in a word that seems appropriate to your issue. I tried ‘enmeshment’, and I think you will find some interesting discussions there that are really relevant for you.

Seeing other people’s experience may be a help on its own. It may also help you to work out questions that reflect your own experience.

Try this for starters! Your, Margaret

Welcome.

Hopefully there will be many supporters arriving soon!

I would suggest relationship counselling. Sit down with a third party to have a chance to discuss the big picture of this matter. For it is big.

From your point of view I read: Spouse has dropped his responsibilities: to be employed, to earn a living, towards joint financial commitments, to your relationship.

Of course he may see things very differently. That he IS being very responsible: to his aging parents.

If you haven't read the Boundaries book by Drs Townsend & Cloud, get your hands in a copy asap. Ignore all the Christian talk (if that's not your faith - the message cuts across all faiths). It describes how helping can become enabling. But mostly about responsibilities & boundaries setting.

While he has been concentrating on his folks day to day living tasks, he may have missed the facts they need a whole new living arrangement. Also, that this is *their* responsibility to do.