Our Ma has Alzheimer's and dementia, but she's also 89yo and up until recently, was able to do most things for herself when it came to toilet use, but recently on occasion it seems impossible to get her to clean/wipe herself well enough, so I help her. Hubby (& it's his actual Ma) thinks I might be making her less independent by this. When is it time to step in and over their (Ma & hubby's) embarassment in the name of cleanliness & good hygeine? & Any suggestions on how to soften the blows of all this sort of negative/gross-but-real talk?? Any advice is greatly appreciated
You can't let her hygiene go, that is one of the 1st things that suffers with dementia.
Help her do everything she can to the best of her ability and then step in to ensure cleanliness and hygiene are good. Tell hubby that UTIs are a nasty result of bad bathroom hygiene and it is easier to deal with a clean up then a nutted out system full of infection that can be deadly.
My mother’s doctor and nurses have always stressed the importance of good hygiene. You are stating an important message to the OP. Thanks for sharing your experience. Sorry about your stepdad. Hugs!
Cleaning up bowel movements is very important for avoiding UTIs, and there are lots of posts about it. They include using wipes (which can do a better job than toilet paper, but please don’t put them in the plumbing as they cause fatbergs), and a whole range of bidet-type attachments for the toilet. You might even find it worth the expense of getting a real bidet – I love mine, partly for this reason. If you click on ‘care topics’ on the top right of the screen, you will get an alphabetic list. Scroll down to Toileting, and you should find lots of suggestions that might help.
Good luck, and please say to Ma that at age 71 it is an issue for me too. It's just something to cope with as our bodies get older.
Betty
I want to take a moment to say how much I admire what you did for your husband. I wasn't always so patient with my dear hubby (he passed away last June) and I regret it to this day. Can't take it back now, but I wish I could have had the patience and grace you had with your husband. God bless you!
For Christy, we have to rely on the sound of the water spray hitting crevices, but she is always clean.
A wipe with a dampened terry washcloth reveals no residue.
Terry washcloths go into a proper bleach solution to be washed.
Toilet paper just spreads bacteria.
Your finger might tear through toilet paper
I had to use wipes when I was in the hospital. Why do we do that?
I started having the nurses leave a stack of terry cloths near the toilet.
A wet terry cloth would be better for everyone and plumbing.
Christy has not had a hint of UTI since 2015
The bidet spray also can stimulate the anus to release stubborn turds.
https://www.brondell.com/bidets/bidet-toilet-seats/
Prior to my Mom getting dementia she always cleaned up after herself, now she's simply not aware of the messes she makes (including her sheets).
Right now my Mom does walk into the kitchen to get herself a piece of cake and either water or apple juice. I help her when she really needs it then there are times when I ask her if she could get what she wants by herself (tasks that I know she is capable of doing).
The only problem I have been having with her hygiene is getting her to take a bath (she hates showers). And the reason is because she wants to take a bath herself without my help which is too dangerous (I know she hates depending on me for everything as she has expressed to me that she is losing control of her life). I tell her that I do not want her to fall down and end up in the hospital and she's happy with that explanation.
Doing things for our parents has nothing to do with speeding up the progression of Alzheimer's or dementia IMO.
I don't think it is speeding up her dementia, but I do know that they will lose remembered skills over time if they do not use them. Some of it is just the eventual progress of the disease. The loss of brain function and things fall away bit by bit like losing puzzle pieces.
If she is struggling with something by all means help her, don't just let her struggle and get frustrated. If it is anything to do with cleanliness or hygiene you really must help if they can't do it themselves. When I have to do things like this for my mom I try to make it as "clinical," for lack of a better word as I can. Meaning I try to behave as if I were a health professional taking care of something for her. No, not cold or brusk, but I just try to get it done in the most compassionate and efficient way possible. That seems to ease at least some of the embarrassment. Over time that embarrassment will go away.
Offer to step in if you sense she needs help because she is struggling and/or getting frustrated with a task, but offer and wait for response, don't just take over. The only real exception is probably the bathroom issue and that is mainly for hygiene purposes - who needs to deal with UTI and all the fun that goes with it?!?!?! She still has independence to get to the bathroom and do her biz, just needs a little assistance cleaning up.
Hubby needs to understand that female "plumbing" is very different and if clean up is not done properly, the results will be difficult or worse! I would as nicely and discreetly as possible continue to help Ma with bathroom cleanup.
(bidets and wipes may be nice, but those with dementia might not grasp the bidet or even if they remember to use the wipes, they may not remember to not flush the wipes!)