If your mom is a danger to herself or her care is just getting to be too much for you, then it's probably time to be looking into placing her in the appropriate facility. At some point it really doesn't matter what your mom wants or doesn't want, as you must do not only what is in the best interest of your mom and her safety, but also what is in the best interest for you and your wellbeing. The fact that your asking the question, means that the time has come to place her. I wish you the very best.
Sorry you are dealing with this tough situation. Unfortunately for mom, she does not really get a full vote anymore. If she can not take care of herself and be safe, which must be the case, then someone else has to do it. That someone has to be a willing party and if her care has become too much, then it is time for you to pass the responsibility on to someone else.
Options include having someone come into the home and provide her care. This can be very expensive and difficult to juggle but is a viable option.
Next is to find a facility that is a good fit for her. I have my MIL on a list for a facility near us that has assisted living and nursing home beds. They will assess her to see what is the best fit for her when an opening becomes available. Perhaps this is how other places work too? I would start calling facilities and see what their requirements are so you will know and can make an informed decision.
Tour some local memory care places. Ask your questions there, not relying on a sales pitch but gaining info on what the signs may be that it’s time. But overall, when her care is too complex for a home caregiver, when she’s not safe, when you’re too tired to function, when her needs can be better met by professionals, it’s time, and that’s okay. Don’t let guilt creep in, it’s on you to make the decisions that are in her best interests now, and she’s blessed to have you in her corner
If your mother cannot care for herself anymore, then it is not her decision to make. You have to do what's best for her and yourself. That could mean nursing home placement. All elderly people are adamant about refusing to be put in a facility. I have yet to meet one who was ever willing to be taken out from their homes and put into a care facility. If you think it's time for your mother to go to a nursing home, then it probably is. I don't know if you've explored in-home care for her or if it's even an option.
Maybe many have seen that commercial a few years ago, where the older gentlemen couldn't make it up the stairs and lamented, time for the Nursing Home. He was happy when he learned about the Stair Lift system.
Lvnsm is correct. The ability to place an unwilling loved one into professional care often requires that they be deemed incompetent, even if they already have a diagnosis of dementia by a reputable doctor and you have a DPoA. This is the case in many states including mine which is Florida.
I come across a lot of people on this site who desperately want to place an elder and can't do it because the demented elder is still deemed "competent".
I wish there was more info on this forum or anywhere on how to deal with that problem, aside from "wait for a crisis".
OP- consult with an elder care attorney in your state to find out what you can and can not do.
The waiting for a crisis is very difficult. I want to move out, but don't want dad to be alone. I'm working on hiring a caregiver to help him. It might or might not work. Not sure what to do if doesn't work. Maybe if he has a mental breakdown, I'll take him to ER.
I have toured one aged care facility that had hallways that looked quite ship-like... I actually wondered how many thought they lived onboard, still cruising around on their retirement ☺️.
I know of one poster who's Mother thinks she lives in a fancy hotel (it's a memory care place).
Remember many elders remember 'nursing homes' of the past... grim asylums known as 'The Poor House', 'The Nut House' or even worse. Who'd willing want to go there?
You need an objective health provider to help you, and the best one for the job is a gerontologist. This should be her primary care doctor and they should be doing memory tests at specific intervals to see how she's doing. They will know when the time is right to recommend Memory Care. Don't try to make this decision on your own. You are too close to her, emotionally.
The fact that your asking the question, means that the time has come to place her. I wish you the very best.
Options include having someone come into the home and provide her care. This can be very expensive and difficult to juggle but is a viable option.
Next is to find a facility that is a good fit for her. I have my MIL on a list for a facility near us that has assisted living and nursing home beds. They will assess her to see what is the best fit for her when an opening becomes available. Perhaps this is how other places work too? I would start calling facilities and see what their requirements are so you will know and can make an informed decision.
Has she given you power of attorney, or any similar authority to make decisions on her behalf?
If you think it's time for your mother to go to a nursing home, then it probably is. I don't know if you've explored in-home care for her or if it's even an option.
I come across a lot of people on this site who desperately want to place an elder and can't do it because the demented elder is still deemed "competent".
I wish there was more info on this forum or anywhere on how to deal with that problem, aside from "wait for a crisis".
OP- consult with an elder care attorney in your state to find out what you can and can not do.
I know of one poster who's Mother thinks she lives in a fancy hotel (it's a memory care place).
Remember many elders remember 'nursing homes' of the past... grim asylums known as 'The Poor House', 'The Nut House' or even worse. Who'd willing want to go there?
Don't try to make this decision on your own. You are too close to her, emotionally.