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And my anxiety about our financial future? We have large house with 2000 sq. ft of trains and hundreds of kits still in boxes, one 76 year old husband with serious hand involvement from diabetes who wants more, more, more, a community property state and an anxious bi-polar wife who is afraid of running out of money

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I think I would see a lawyer to discuss options.

You don't say if husband has any mental impairments. Has he always been a frivolous spender, or is this new. Changes in mental status and behavior should be reported to his doctor.
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I certainly hope that bi-polar wife is seeing a therapist about her anxiety and a lawyer about the finances.
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I dont' know what to suggest. I will share this...since 2008 I have bought 29 motorcycles and sold 27 of them...Compulsion? yes? Mental Imbalance? Perhaps...thing is, I can afford it. I have slightly higher *very slight" net worth than I did in 2008.

Grace + peace,
Bob
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Open up an account in your name. Put all the money in it. Then you will be safe. Both of you will need care, and so you being the sane one here, need to assure you have money left. Seems to me a matter of survival.
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You need to cut up any credit cards and get your husband diagnosed for either dementia or another mental illness. Just because you have bipolar disorder and hopefully are maintaining on stable medication, there is no reason why you should let the anxiety overwhelm you. Share your concerns with your doctor. We share the same disorder and when I am feeling overwhelmed, I step back, take a walk with the dogs, and/or go for a ride to get a new perspective. No one who is a caregiver for a person with dementia has worry-free days. Tell yourself you can do this and you need to speak up for yourself!
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Compulsive shopping could also be due to anxiety or depression. If he is truly spending money that you need, you need to sit down and talk with him about this possibility. Show him the numbers that if he doesn't stop, the two of you are going to go broke. Then make an appointment for him with his general physician and go with him. If he is spending what you need to live on, he needs help. Don't wait until it bankrupts the BOTH of you.
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Having had clinical depression, I NEVER overspent. I hardly wanted to go out of the house. Your emotions and reactions are so blunted one does not want to do anything, much less shop.
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If your husband does not have any type of mental disorder try to reason with him that you control the finances. The spending will get worse protect yourself now.
My husband has a cognative disorder and is on oxygen 24/7...has racked up massive credit card debt. I have thrown money at attorneys who have told me that I am in limbo because his mental health is not bad enough for him to require guardianship. I can't reason with him since logic does not work with mental illness. Open your own checking account, get your name off his credit cards and try to monitor his spending as well as you can. Good Luck.
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I am normal, started collecting Hallmark thinking $. Well i started to realize no market so overwellmed gave to thrift stores for write off & was a wonderful load off my shoulders. Now looking back we had fun searching but now getting older & hallmark gone is best feeling. It gets to be a desease. If he plans to make money give him a $ amount he must sell to buy more.
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Tell him you can't live like this anymore, that if he doesn't stop buying trains and selling some of those he has, then you'll leave and file for divorce. If he doesn't stop, then leave for awhile and see if that does it. If that doesn't, then divorce just might be an option...drastic, but it's a thought. If he doesn't respect your rights in this issue and is going to put you both into the poor house over it, then wheres the love anyway? I stopped packratting for my husband's sake (and am slowly getting rid of what I've already squirreled away) and your husband needs to do the same.
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Some, in joint-property states, have a lawyer set up formal Statement of Separation, which contains a clause similar to: "if this document is filed with the County, it becomes formal, final Divorce, as of the date filed with the County". Bank accounts and other assets are separated in this document, too, so all the dust has already settled, and no further court proceedings are needed.
They can still live with the "ex" spouse to provide care they need, and benefit by sharing a roof and utilities, still share assets, but assets are now handled differently than they are when co-mingled under Joint Property.
Each party has their own account; may have a joint account to help shift funds appropriately.
One bipolar woman I know, with a husband with long history of alcoholism and gambling has gradually been developing more dementia. She gradually took more control of managing their assets, when it was clear that he'd cause them to both be homeless, if she didn't do that.
She set up separate accounts for each of them, which she can access [his included], as well as keeping a joint account. She makes sure all deposits go to her account, which he cannot access. She moves his monthly allowance to his account.
She had to do this, because trying to talk-it-out with him, was like throwing herself at a brick wall; he simply couldn't understand the adverse impact his alcohol and gambling had, nor could he grok what damages he'd done.
This will NOT protect her from bad debts he incurs.
She will likely be liable, even after he dies.
Her health is no great shakes either; he could outlive her.
She has been trying to take legal steps to protect what assets they have left, for both of them.
It's frustrating to be in that "between times" dementia too minimal to pronounce, yet it's potentially still dangerous to health and welfare. Getting his Doc to fully understand how dangerous the "minimal dementia" is, can be tough.
=== Sometimes this can be remedied by taking him to a different Doctor [Elder specialized, please!]. BEFORE that appointment, either in a letter, or a preliminary appointment you have with the new Doc to discuss the situation BEFORE your DH sees the new Doc, graph out clearly, what the husband is doing, which demonstrates how he's changed, not rational, making bad choices, causing harm to himself and you financially, which could become physically....Behaviors that show his dementia more clearly, than the Doc is likely to observe during the office visit.
Some elders are such great "show timers", they can seem fairly rational, for upwards of 2 hours interview with Social Workers....it's up to the caregiver to make sure observers know what goes on when they are not observing.
Let The New Doc know: you need your spouse properly diagnosed, legally pronounced incompetent, in order to put both your affairs in order.
IF that Doc refuses to diagnose or pronounce, ask why. If "why" is due to not being advanced enough, ask the Doc if there must first be a catastrophe, before the person can be pronounced incompetent, because, sat this point, "catastrophe" does not just harm the dementia'd spouse, it also harms you, his caregiver!
Often, Docs fail to see things like that, unless the caregiver is clear and succinct about describing it.
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Ferris, lots of respect here. I don't know how you handle what you do if you suffer from depression. My sister was never diagnosed but we felt her over spending was caused by aa type of depression. She would spend mostly on jewelry. Found clothes with stickers still on them. But, her bills weren't paid and she was in debt.
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Wow is all I can say reading all of the "helpful answer's"! Taking your name off of a credit card only works if you were legally separated at the time he spent or charged on the cards. While you are married to him you are responsible for his debt, if you divorced then you would be responsible for 1/2 of that debt. So lets move on to how you can help him with this addiction to buying instead of divorice. You need to sit him down and tell him he can't be buying anymore cars unless he starts selling some of his collection. Get an eBay account and start listing them for sale, he might find it fun to sell them and make some money back. We had a neighbor that collected Christmas Houses and their whole house is full of Christmas collections, and then the wife passed away and her husband has slowly started giving them away to her children and packed up a bunch of them as the whole house was covered in them. Sometimes collections get out of hand and then the spouse is left with all this and it can be overwhelming. My Father likes to buy things, we think he likes to get things in the mail but he buys expensive things for his garage. He is 90 years old and still wants to work outside and build things, bless his heart! BUT we have had to tell him to stop buying he is getting ready to go to a Long Term Care Center where our Mom already is at and the buying has to stop. So good luck and I hope you find an answer to help you in your quest.
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wow...very scary!! i would be veeeeery stressed too! yes, depression and anxiety could cause people to spend, spend, spend...it's a distraction and a temporary high! definitely take him to the doctor...and see if there is something happening mentally. Some aging seniors keep getting more, and more stuck in their ways and they will never change!!! i live with a brother like that....it's a nightmare...and i can't wait to GET away from him....because i feel he will be living under a box in skid row...and i am NOT going to take care of him. if things keep getting worse for you, i certainly would get a divorce...and get half of something rather than wait and get have of nothing! gooood luck...keep us posted. thank you
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Get estate planning or legal advice on how to stop the debts from becoming yours, or if that is even possible...sounds like a addictive buying situation spurred by mild cognitive impairment. Is there ny chance some can be sold or returned if they are intact?
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Has he collected trains for a long time, or is it a recent hobby? Is there a train museum, or hobby organization in your area that would take most of the trains and set up a hobby club that he could become part of and share his knowledge and experience (if any)? There might be other older folks who are interested in trains that need something to keep occupied.
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I found this information and wanted to share it with you:
"According to Donald Black from the University of Iowa, as quoted in Esperanza magazine, nearly two-thirds of all shopaholics struggle with depression or anxiety."

More than likely this behavior, if it is new, is most likely a symptom of something. As I said before, it could be depression or anxiety. Men do not necessarily have the same symptoms in depression that women do. When I went though a bout of clinical depression, I would sleep for hours on end, not eat much, not want to be around anyone, feel "weepy", etc.. On the other hand, my dad spent almost $16k in a year, constantly angry, irritable, insomnia, never happy (even on good days), nitpicked everything (cooking, my kids, me, my job, etc.), ruminated endlessly about bad things that happened years ago, etc.. *Many* months later he admitted that he was depressed and that he felt he'd been "reaching for something" to make him feel better. He never did meds but I came up with a big list of things that he could do anytime he felt that need to buy things.


Ultimately, is this a totally new behavior or a lifelong, old behavior for him? For a new behavior, I'd talk to his doc. For an old behavior (old habits), you'll have to try something else. Redirect him to something else perhaps? Try cleaning a bit of his collection with him. Maybe enjoying the collection as it is will be just as satisfying as adding a new piece. Best of luck to you!
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I"m so sorry that you're having to cope with this. It's a terrible way to live.

It sounds as though your husband's diabetes may be kicking in cognitive issues. He needs a checkup to see if there is a dementia situation here. Either way, you may need to take over finances completely or turn your finances over to an expert (your bank should be able to help). Then, an allowance would be set up and he could use that but no more.
Good luck with this tough problem,
Carol
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Here's the thing=if every household never purges anything out, what happens? A household is overwhelmed with items! Do you want to be stumbling over things/clothing/items that you no longer even need? Certainly not! Charitable donations helps every all around.
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That part of mental illness is called OCD.
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MAE1943: There are several ways YOU can be in command and not him...take away access to cash, investment portfolio, debit card, credit cards and (if needed as a last ditch effort) all vehicle keys.
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OldBob1936: So in regard to the motorcycle purchases, you essentially own 2, which is not considered over-the-top extravagant. Perhaps you even made a profit on the sale of the 27? Good for you if you did! You liked to do it and realized that you could control it.
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