My husband really resents having Mom live with us: it's been 8 years and I don't know what to do. I won't put her in a home and she's not in need of a huge amount of care, just constants like meds, meals, monitoring things like cleanliness and clothing choices, and dr. appointments. She goes to a senior center regularly, but her presence has begun to wear on us; if this sounds cruel I'm sorry, but our lives revolve around mom and my husband and I are always arguing about nit picky things she does or says. It's hard having someone constantly with you and really not be able to live our own lives.
The homes are structured to allow people to join in, to spend time with people of their own generation, to attend activities and be watched over 24/7, she certainly will not be alone.
Re adjust your thinking... turn your negatives thoughts into positive ones.
Don't sacrifice your marriage for your mother, I am sure she didn't sacrifice her marriage for you or anyone else...think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
to understand that a married couple needs their privacy and space.
Is this a core tenant of your religion?
Did your parents sacrifice everything to care for all 4 of your grandparents?
Did you and your husband go into your marriage knowing that you felt that you would feel obligated to care for your parent until death?
Why do you think your mother would feel abandoned? Might she not feel she was getting professional care and have the companionship of others of her age group?
These are serious questions
You and your husband have done this long enough, time to give both you and he need a break.
You do know what needs to be done, and now is the time to do it, find a nice AL and place her, you can visit her there and give your husband the gift he deserves... his freedom.
The ball is in your court, do the right thing, your mother will adjust, believe me it's not the end of the world.