How do I keep my marriage solid and be a caregiver to someone with dementia at the same time?

I believe that you do not sacrifice your own marriage and kids (when kids there are) to the needs of your elder. It is time to look for care for your Mom. You will lose your marriage, and that will leave you very little when your Mom is gone, and wear you out until she is, feeling you have sacrificed your life for hers. Which will have been the case. You have done this long enough. Too long. Look to the warning signs. For me, if would be a deal breaker as well. It doesn't sound cruel at all. We owe our parents love and respect. We owe our nuclear family everything we can provide for them. I am wishing you good luck.

I certainly would not sacrifice my marriage for my parents, to me that thinking is all backwards.

You and your husband have done this long enough, time to give both you and he need a break.

You do know what needs to be done, and now is the time to do it, find a nice AL and place her, you can visit her there and give your husband the gift he deserves... his freedom.

The ball is in your court, do the right thing, your mother will adjust, believe me it's not the end of the world.

What is your belief system that makes you think that you should sacrifice your marriage and family life in order to care for your mother?

Is this a core tenant of your religion?

Did your parents sacrifice everything to care for all 4 of your grandparents?

Did you and your husband go into your marriage knowing that you felt that you would feel obligated to care for your parent until death?

Why do you think your mother would feel abandoned? Might she not feel she was getting professional care and have the companionship of others of her age group?

These are serious questions

Guilt is a self imposed emotion that not only keeps you stuck but is used to justify why we do not make good sound decisions. How do you know that you mother will feel abandoned? This is you talking to yourself, unfounded feedback.

The homes are structured to allow people to join in, to spend time with people of their own generation, to attend activities and be watched over 24/7, she certainly will not be alone.

Re adjust your thinking... turn your negatives thoughts into positive ones.

Don't sacrifice your marriage for your mother, I am sure she didn't sacrifice her marriage for you or anyone else...think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.

Bananastand, it sounds like you and your husband have done well for your mom for eight years. But circumstances change and caregiver endurance can wither, as evidenced by your statement that "her presence has begun to wear on us." I'm sure you know that as your mom ages and her dementia progresses, caregiving will require even more time and energy and that your health and relationship with your husband will further suffer.

So, if it's not feasible for your mom to live mostly on her own in a separate living space close to you, then you probably should start investigating facilities that can provide her with the level of care she needs and that are close enough to you so that you (and your "dysfunctional" brother) can visit her as often as she needs so as to not feel abandoned. This is not abandonment -- it's coping with reality in the best way you can, while preserving your personal health and spousal relationship. While I know this is a hard decision to make, I urge you to start looking at facilities before a crisis develops and you're forced into making rushed decisions that are less likely to be good for your mom, you and/or your husband.

Also know that your mom will not likely feel "afraid, lonely and abandoned" in a good facility after a likely short adjustment period. My dad adjusted amazingly well after I spent the first 24 hours with him, but he was in late-stage dementia and it might take your mom a bit longer than that.

Kudos to you and your husband for providing your mom's care for eight years and best wishes for your future.

Banana, your mom would not feel that way if you go to the effort to find a facility that offers activities and an environment that she can participate in a life for herself. She will feed off of your emotions, you need to present this as a positive thing for her and keep your guilt away from her. Make it exciting and challenging, but the best possible thing for her.

Go find facilities and then do respite for a month to see if she makes friends or participates in the activities. If not, try another facility and another until you find the right fit.

Your husband comes first and I am curious why you have more loyalty to your moms feelings than your husband's. He has helped you for 8 years, isn't it time for you to help him? Marriage is a two way street, all one way streets eventually dead end. From your profile it sounds like you have pitted yourself against your husband and you have made up your mind to never place mom, are you prepared to lose your husband so you don't have to do anything you don't want?

What is your definition of 'a huge amount of care' because, based on your description, it sure DOES sound like your mother needs 'a huge amount' of care! Your husband needs to come first, and after 8 years, it's apparent your marriage needs to be refreshed. You've done enough; get mother placed in a Memory Care community where she can be given the 24/7 care she truly NEEDS and where you and your husband can reconnect and get your lives back. Working as a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I can tell you that the vast majority of the residents ARE happy and DO adjust. Plus, you can go visit her as often as you'd like.

I've had my mother in Assisted Living and now the Memory Care annex, since 2014 and it was THE best decision EVER. She has excellent care, friends to socialize with, activities to keep her amused, outings to go on, 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, and on and on. Plus, my marriage is not suffering the burden of having her usurping our lives every day.

Think carefully about what you want your and your husband's future to look like from here on out. Then make a decision that's in everyone's best interest. Don't count on making your mother 100% happy 100% of the time, either, and remember that you are not doing that NOW. Nobody is capable of making anyone else happy all the time, nor are they capable of giving them back their youth. The idea is to make EVERYONE'S life as good as humanly possible, whatever is required.

Bananastand, based on Sheeza1's reply to my prior suggestions, I want to clarify that I was not promising that your mom will easily adjust to living in a care facility as well as my dad did, or even as well as probably 95% of the 50 or so residents that I got to know over a 4-year period at two different facilities where my dad lived near me and my wife's aunt lived in another city. Almost all of those residents were confused about their circumstances and most had moments of distress, but only a couple of them seemed to be chronically discontented. That said, those who seemed to do best had frequent family visitors and we got to know each other and helped monitor each other's family member residents.

Like I said previously, moving your mom to a carefully chosen, nearby care facility would not be abandonment. Instead, it most likely will be the best solution for you and your husband to get some relief, for your mom to get good care from a small army of trained and compassionate caregivers, and for you to reconnect with your mom more as a daughter rather than as a worn-out caregiver. Again, kudos for what you've done over the past 8 years and best wishes for the future.

Like others have said it does seem like she does need a huge amount of care! Remember that this is going to get worse as time goes on. Do put her into an assisted living as soon as possible! You can still visit her but you will have you life back. They do a lot of activities there too so it will be good for her!

You ask how to keep the marriage solid, and then immediately follow that with she's been there 8 years and you wont put her in a facility. and "our lives revolve around mom and my husband and I are always arguing about nit picky things she does or says' - you answer your own question.

Just exactly how much do you expect your poor husband to endure? Do you care about him at all? His happiness, his health? You have all this guilt about taking care of your mom, but where is the guilt about *literally* ruining your husbands life? Eight years? Hasnt he done this this long enough?

I bet when he comes home he sits in the car for a few minutes. I bet he sighs when it's time to go home. I bet he hates going home at all, but he loves YOU, so he continues to endure. I bet he is miserable. I bet he has high blood pressure, and I'd bet he is on anti depressants, and probably anti anxiety meds too.

Just IMAGINE how hard it must be for him. His home should be his sanctuary. He obviously loves you or he would have bailed on you ages ago. A man like that is a rare treasure and he deserves to have some peace in his life. And so do YOU.

Ask yourself one thing: If it was YOUR daughter and her husband taking care of YOU, and it was destroying their lives - wouldnt you rather be in a facility? You say 'put her in a home' like it's horrible. She already goes to a seniors center, she might have a total blast in an assisted living facility.

How will you deal with the guilt of knowing that you threw your husband over in order to focus all your attention on your mother?

Why do you think your mother will feel abandoned? Did she raise you to cater to her every whim at the expense of your own well-being and that of your family?

I have a hard time understanding why your husband does not get a say to who lives in his house. You can support your mom but have her live elsewhere. Your husband gets a say too and I'm surprised this has gone on 8 years.

You have to ask yourself if mom were in her right mind what would she want. I had to place my mom in a ALF. And now memory Care. She thrived in the Alf. If she were at my house she would be sitting in a chair watching tv. Now she socializes. Goes on outings and eats with friends. I know that was a good decision. How’s she’s in memory care because she needs more care than ALF could give. But I know I could not care for her. I would have no life. And NO MOTHER would want that for their child.

You also need to realize having an elder parent live with us is much different than having a parent with AlZ disease living with us.

It all boils down to one question. Who are you emotionally married to?

banastand: Don't mean to to sound harsh but your mother has been with you and your husband for eight years; can you not understand that he's probably had it up to there with her being in his & your house? He wants his house & his marraige back. You say she goes to the senior center frequently so it sounds like she is pretty sociable - ALs offer alot of activities, social events and outings that she might really enjoy (with people in her own age group). Try to find one close to you and once she gets settled, you can visit her often. Seek a therapist to deal with any guilt.

"How do I deal with the guilt of considering putting mom somewhere." Even considering putting your mother somewhere makes you feel guilt? That is a strong statement and one that may come from a place of fear. It's rarely a good idea to make decisions based on fear. Recognize that doing nothing because you fear how your mother will react is a decision.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She may live another 10 years. What is now "arguing about nit picky things she does or says" will turn into resentment - your husband resenting your mother for being there and you resenting your husband for resenting your mother.

Start touring senior communities. You can care for your mother and not have her living with you.

Banana,

I don’t want to come off as a ‘know it all’ because I certainly don’t know everything. I do have to tell you that I went through the agony that you are in now. It is truly misery and you won’t even know the extent of it until you are away from it.

Ask anyone on this forum that’s been around awhile and they can back me up on this, I was a mess! I was exactly where you are and they wisely gave me the very wise advice they are giving to you. Did I listen? Oh, how I wish that I had. It took awhile to process the information and sadly I had to experience a lot more crap at home until I reached my breaking point.

Mom was in my home for nearly 15 years. Doubt that you want to watch the years go by in misery like I did. For what? Guilt? Fear? Obligation? Don’t do it!!!

Mom can go somewhere. My mom went with my brother and SIL. She should have left years sooner. I had extenuating circumstances that made things even more difficult. Still, if I could go back in time I would never repeat what I did.

I beg you to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Your husband is worth it. I promise you that! You are worth it. You deserve to know that you meant the vows that you spoke to him on the day you were married.

You’re not happy. Neither was I. You are in conflict. Seek peace. It’s waiting for you to return. You didn’t always have this chaos. Your husband will gladly welcome the peace and harmony that you once had. Mine did and I love him so very much for it.

Go get her medicine right and things will calm. Remember you want have her forever but husband always. Do what's right with parent and honor her.

You wrote this: " I am NOT willing to put her in a home."

If this is still true (is it?), then you won't be able to keep your marriage solid. That's the simple answer. It seems as if you have chosen your mother over your husband if you refuse to consider placement for her.

Dementia would be a dealbreaker for many people.

I just read where your profile says your husband was fine with your mom living there until she had dementia. If that’s true then, don’t you think he has the right to change his mind because the circumstances changed?

Jen, you could just go tour facilities. That way you will feel more prepared should you decide to place your mom at a later time.

Jenwide70 giving bad advice. Not sure what the motivation is, but it's bad advice.

You need to create a private haven for yourselves. My hubby has started to mirror the same feelings about my mom - and she doesn't live with us yet! He has agreed to create a "granny cottage" on our property: a little 2 bedroom home for my mom to use when she needs to "move in". She can "visit" us during the day, but will have her own "home" in the evening. I am going back to work and plan on saving for the time she may need a little help from a home health aide in the future.

There are plenty of resources out their for creating mini apartments for seniors in your own home.

I think the spouse should have a say in the matter...it's his life too.  If she is still very social, why can't she go to an assisted living facility?  She would make friends and have the same activities she is doing at the senior center.  And you and your husband would have some privacy.    Find one close to your home so you can still help and be involved as much as you feel necessary, but when you come home, you and your husband can have time together.

Your mom should understand.  Did she have her mother in law or father in law living with her and her husband?  When you present it to her like that, she will get it.  Tell her you love her and want to help with her care, but at the same time need marital privacy.

Banana, could you split the difference between home and a facility?

What if you start with one night a week, and then work up to weekends, then up to week days in a facility, weekends with you, and you could probably keep that up for a long time. This gives hubs a break, gives mom a chance to socialize, and keeps YOU from losing your mind.

Good luck sister.

I am in the same situation and understand how difficult this can be; however,when I make the decision to place my mom in a facility it will be for my benefit and not my husband's. He and I both decided on this plan years ago and reconfigured our home to accommodate both of my parents. I never forced my husband into this plan. My dad died last year. My husband has been unhappy since they moved in 5 years ago. He retired 2 years ago and never sought outside interests. He blamed everything on my parents and now my mom. He has been free this whole time to do and pursue whatever he wants to do. He does not do a thing to help my mom. He pretty much ignores her. I plan weekly outings with my husband, engage caregivers to stay with my mom and have planned vacations and done the same while caring for my mom. It is all on me. In other words I expend all of the energy to care for my mom and to tend to my marriage.

On the other hand I was with my husband every step of the way when his own parents needed care. While they did not live with us I was always visiting them and helping out. I was with my husband for every hospital and emergency room visit and sat at both of his parents' bedsides when they were dying. I have done all of that alone with my own parents as I have no siblings and my husband has been unable to support me. I get that this can be a drag on a marriage and I see the benefits of my mom going to a nursing home ( if she could afford it) but don't make it all about your husband and your marriage. Make it about yourself and what
you want and need.

Any crisis or negative life event can expose a marriage for what it is. Some are better able to manage stress than others.

A lot of good advice received already, but every situation is different. Maybe there is a financial concern as well. That hasn't come up yet, and I know when in early stages of dementia insurance is not an option. I think it is a good thing that you are so willing to care for your Mom, but 8 years is a long time. We can't really plan for our future after caring for our parents, because we really don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe our own health will decline and we all those things we put off won't be possible anymore. I can imagine your husband feeling trapped in a life in his senior years that was not what he planned, and his happiness is important too.

I do have empathy for you because I am in a similar situation. My Mom has had a tough life and does not enjoy being social. She always tries to be pleasant, but is very uncomfortable in those situations. She won't speak up for herself and ask for help when she needs it. She also is so regimented in her daily routines. She actually eats the same breakfast and lunch every single day, and has for 20 years. She enjoys the dinners I make for her, but she has a difficult time chewing with her dentures so I make a lot of soups. I feel like she truly would be miserable in an AL situation, and so she has been with us for 2 years now. I am the only family she has left. Like your Mom she has dementia , but isn't to the point where she requires a lot of care.

Here's what I would suggest. Can you and your husband place your Mom in an AL living facility for respite care so that you and your husband can go on a vacation and have some much needed alone time? It's expensive but worth it. She may end up loving it there, and if you can afford it, that could be your answer. Also, day trips for just the two of you can really help. Do you have a common interest that you could do together? When Mom is at the Senior Center make those times really special for your husband. Also, don't forget about you!

My husband and I are making this work for the present, but having said that, I know I couldn't do 8 years. I know if #1 my Mom was social, and #2 I could afford it, I would definitely be thinking of a different arrangement. Your Mom will forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself. If finances are a problem, then my heart really does go out to you. I hope this was helpful.

1. Did ya'll decide as a couple for her to come or just you?

2. Always arguing does not sound a solid marriage to me.

3. 8 years with ya'll lives revolving around your mom has left you no couple time which has likely weakened your marriage.

4. The only choice that I see to strengthen your marriage is to place your mother in assisted living.


5. Why don't you want to put her in assisted living?

What I am hearing in your question is "What do I do when having mom live with my husband and me doesn't work anymore?" It sounds to me that you recognize that you have reached your limit. Probably, you should find another place for your mom to live. She can still come to stay with you over holidays (like a vacation for her) and you can visit her, but that you realize that you and your husband feel like you've lost autonomy and balance. Ask yourself, what arrangement would allow me to be the best daughter and wife? What you are doing now isn't allowing you to be either and you can come up with a solution that will likely get closer to that goal. The answer is something a little more nuanced and believe it or not, you are ready for change. You can do this.

I guess everyone had the position of parents living with them before facilities opened. It is never a walk in the park or a day at the beach. People somehow made it work. I seriously doubt if they were happy. There can be meaningful or happy times though. No one is happy all the time, even without parents living with them. Even fairytales show the ups and downs of life to teach lessons. All couples argue. Not all arguments are bad. Issues become resolved. Avoiding an issue is far worse.

Men put up with stuff from women. Women put up with stuff from men. Why? I’d like to think that love was the main reason and in most cases it is. Some people stay together due to financial circumstances. Some people still care what the neighbors think.

There are people in horrible marriages that stay together for their children. Is that a good idea? Some would say yes, others no.

Some men or women are married to their jobs. Some travel continuously with work. Do they have good marriages?

People have affairs. Some survive and thrive because the affair was a wake up call. Some marriages clearly deteriorate.

Some parents totally forget about their spouse when their children are born. Some marriages break up because one person wants a child and the other person doesn’t. People change their minds about children even if they initially said they did not want children.

Some children move back home! Do adult children that move back home cause harm to a marriage? Sometimes.

What about a mid life crises? Those happen too!

People lose their jobs. Talk about stress! Life is full of challenging situations.

My point is tons of things can damage a marriage. These things either make or break you.

Good marriages are not broken. Bad marriages can heal. So I feel sometimes we judge too quickly about people that we don’t even know. It’s great to have a voice and a desire to share and help. It’s also great to have ears, a mind and especially a heart to listen to others.

Sometimes we say the wrong things and don’t even realize it. Sometimes we speak up because our opinions are so important to us and feel that we can help. Sometimes we are insulting to each other. It happens. We need to own it if we do. Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes.

It takes time to process change in our lives. So we don’t have to say everything that we feel. All of us have been guilty of this at some point in our lives. We can offer our opinions and hope it is a help. Accept it if our advice is rejected and allow others to absorb the information.

I am of the thought that it is never that ‘one’ thing that has caused the major destruction. It’s an accumulation of many things. It’s when we hit the breaking point that we fall apart.