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52 years of marriage to BB, ups and downs then a fall in January that broke the clavicle and tore the rotator cuff to the point he required surgery. He's 74 now and his job gave him from Jan 8th till mid March to heal & return to his senior driver position he's held for 32 yrs. Couldn't make it so they said retire or get fired. He retired and he's done a total about face. He's blaming me for everything, sees something and says that needs to be trashed. Clean up everything or I'll toss it (he does too). He watches all real life murder shows, forensic files, murder by numbers, 48 hours, closed cases, etc. Says he's getting tips for the perfect murder. I've hidden the pistol and he's mad about it. He's gotten mean, verbally abusive, forgets things, starts projects then forgets them. His driving frightens anyone in the vehicle with him so I drive most of the time. I figure some of the memory problems are from sedation at surgery. Also genetic since his mom had Alzheimers.


I collect dolls from the 50s & they are displayed in a back bedroom. He hates them, wants to rent a storage building, put them in it. He wants that room for himself to sit and smoke in. He vapes and I'm allergic to smoke from cigarettes, the vape liquid breaks me out in a rash. He just shrugs and says BB is going to do what BB wants to do in BBs house and if you don't like it, get out. Wish I could. I have no place to go. Didn't want to me to return to work when I was laid off in '92. Wanted me to stay home & care for the new grandkids. I did, now they are mostly grown. Now he says I'm lazy and need to get out and work like he had to. I have spent years watching 2-4 children daily while he took the money I made. Found he was hiring prostitutes with it & he got arrested in 2005 for hiring an undercover cop! I am physically unable to work now. I have had one complete knee replacement and take shots in the other knee that the dr. said has got to be replaced asap. I have an inoperable tumor behind my eye and have to take meds to control seizures. I have Cirrhosis of the liver even though I don't and never have drank. I've probably had 1/2 cup of liquor in all 68 yrs. I get dizzy, my heart skips beats leaving me shaking and weak. I've had 30 lbs of tumors removed from stomach & leg & they have returned. He tells me I'm fat, slouchy and stupid. Then swears he didn't say it. He constantly says I don't tell him things. I do, the kids tell him I do but, he denies it.


I had to put a warning on his phone because he sits and watches movies for hours on it and uses up our data. Now he swears I won't let him use it. New bill shows 533 min of calls, 7 pages of texts. He is constantly living in the past. Wants to go to the town where he was born to live now. He goes out to the garage, sits in the heat and listens to songs from the 40s. Constantly trying to live in the past. He is fine one minute, furious making snide remarks the next. It is like living on thin ice. I've gone thru this with mom who is now in memory care, now I'm heading into it with him. He will be furious in the morning because I knocked his vape battery off kitchen cabinet, it went under the stove and hung. I pulled it apart getting it out. I left him a note and the $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut. Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all. He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn. Now, he can't remember dr appts, meds, etc. without my reminding him which makes him angry. I've been placed on anxiety meds, had my dr. test me for dementia just in case. Nope! Just age related short term problems that are normal. But did tell me to find a safe haven from husband. He has appt finally in Dec for tests & I know he will try to cancel as usual if he remembers to check calendar. God knows my shoulders are really tired of the burden. Thanks for listening.

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Cherokee,
I am so sorry for your situation. It definitely cannot be a pleasant environment, nor secure for you. I am sorry I do not have any advice, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know someone is here, and I care. You are a valuable person and I hope that you are able to get the answers and solutions that you need. I know there will be others that respond with valuable advice.
May God help you.
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Thank you. The kids don't want to get involved but our son and dil finally talked to him and convinced him to see a geriatric doctor. He can't start anything and finish it at all. He asked me earlier tonight if I would do him a favor. I asked what he needed and he said LEAVE! I said no way, someone had to take care of him. He was angry because I wanted to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. He told me I took it as what I wanted life to be and it was a fairy tale. Maybe it is but, it is so nice to smile and laugh instead of crying. I went to the back to watch it while it ranted and griped at me from the living room.
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This sounds like an unbearable living environment for you. You should not be sharing a house with this man, no matter how long you have been married. You have nowhere to go, so he is the one who should be leaving. There may be ways to make this happen.

First, if he goes to hospital again, refuse to take him back again. He is planning the perfect murder, and the most likely victim is you. His verbal abuse probably includes threats of violence. You cannot provide a safe environment for him or for yourself. See the social worker as soon as he is admitted – and don’t let them just take them into an ‘observation’ option rather than full on admission, or persuade you to take him back 'on trial'.

Second, contact your local licensing authority to get his driving licence revoked. He is not a safe driver. Third, consider getting his credit cards revoked. Inform the providers that he has no funds to meet the obligations he intends to take on. Last, consider applying for guardianship – I assume he won’t give you a financial or general POA. And protect yourself (even by moving out) to avoid the backlash from these things.

If you have a local non-profit that provides advice for women suffering abuse, go to it and get help with all these things. Women really do get murdered in these circumstances.

Talk all these options through with ‘the kids’. You need them on your side, so ask for their advice, take it when you can, tell them that you have taken it and thank them for their help. If they want to gloss over the problems, tell them to think about where they stand if your husband murders you and ends up in jail because of it.

Please explore your options while you are still alive!
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JoAnn29 Nov 2018
Guardianship costs a lot of money, which looks like she doesn't have.

Your husband should be on Meds for his problems. His threats could become real. A dementia person can no longer reason. Their reality is not ours. If he becomes violent, and I mean one smack, call the police and have him taken out of the home. Request he be taken for a 72hr eval because he has been threatening you and he shows signs of Dementia. Once the eval is done hopefully he will be kept at the facility until they find the correct meds. Tell them he cannot return home because with you health problems you can no longer care for him. If you have no POA then let the state take over. You will not be left impoverished. Hopefully u can get Medicaid to cover his care.
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Your husband's year got off to a bad start and went downhill from there. His reaction to his accident and his employer's (pretty sucky) attitude, the way he has dealt with his worries, has made everything a lot worse.

None of it is your fault. You didn't put him in pain, you didn't force him out of a job, you did none of the things that have made him so angry and hurt and despairing.

After such a long marriage I'd hate to see you robbed of it. But can you at least get a break from it? What about that safe haven your doctors wanted you to think about?

Your husband needs help, and he's not accepting anything you can do for him. I just wonder if staying away for a fixed time might wake him up a bit.

it would also be nice if you could get a rest from being kicked every time he's upset with somebody else :(

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please keep in touch with us.
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JoAnn29 Nov 2018
CM, the man is 74, past the retirement age here in the states. I have friends waiting till 70 but 74 is pushing it. His employer may have seen signs and the accident was a way of forcing his retirement. Companies used to have mandatory retirement, usually 65. But laws now forbid that. So, what companies have to do if a log time employee won't retire and shows signs of mental decline, they have to have the employee evaluated to show the employee is no longer capable of doing their job. This man's employer is probably using the Family leave/disability act in their favor. You don't have to hold a person's job after a certain length of time. We also have state laws where you can be fired with no explanation why.

In the US each state is allowed to make its own laws so there isn't any conformity between states.
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Cherokee, I think it’s a matter of acceptance on your part. Have you plainly explained to your children just how consumed with anger their father is,and that you take the brunt of It? Your husband is beyond reasoning with as one would with a person in full control of their faculties, which your husband is not. He needs to be hospitalized and evaluated. Nothing will change for the better until he is.

And please give the guns in your home to your son before you wind up on the wrong end of one.
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He asked you to leave. And I would. Can you visit your kids for a week or so, just to get away from him? Tell your kids you need to find a safe place. They don’t want to get involved, it at least they could help you find help. Or they afraid of him too? I don’t care if I had to live in a woman’s shelter, I wouldn’t be in that house with him. If he gets violent call 911.
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Make efforts fo move him to the town where he was born.
Then do not go with him.
Maybe they have assisted living there, and he could qualify for help.

You move near your own family.
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Your husband wants you to leave and has made not-so-subtle threats of the "perfect murder". Are you waiting for him to try it? You do not owe him your life. You have many serious health issues yourself. Call a women's hotline and see what resources are available to you in your area.
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shad250 Nov 2018
Exactly Dateline has had episodes similar to this.
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I have to add to my earlier post. I missed this in your question. I have to ask, WHY would you want to keep from walking away from him? Are you concerned about someone disapproving and accusing you of abandoning him? We are long married as well, but if my husband turned into the raging monster your husband has, I’d not be as concerned about anyone’s opinions and either he would go or I would. You can’t possibly be worried for his welfare. If you are, your worry is misplaced and you should be more worried about your own.

Get in your kids faces and tell them that by their unwillingness to truly help, your inevitable fate is going to be on their conscience. If something happens to you, care for their dad is also going to be on them...unless he is in prison. And wouldn’t that be a blot on the family name.

Before you act, consult with an attorney to see where you stand. Plan things out and then GET OUT.
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My heart just breaks for you.

PLEASE get some help. I don't think you should get kids involved in their marriage, but this is an emergency, your kids might think your being a little dramatic, or they may feel that they have to take sides. Assure them that they can love him, but you need their help. Do what Ahmijoy says. Get in their faces if you have to. You need some support.

He clearly does not want you there. If he doesn't want your help and is threatening you than all bets are off when it comes to your marriage. Some people can not be helped.

Do me a favour if your cell phone has apps download Robin Mc Graw abuse app. This app looks like a game app. But you can preprogram it to call one of your kids or 911 with a message like, "I am in danger and need help". Plus, it has a tracking device in it in case your husband relocate you so the police can find you. And it records what is going on in the room. The app should be in the app store, if not, Look up Georgia Smile or Robin Mc Graw.
It has saved so many women's lives.

You need to get out or get him out. No one should live this way. You deserve better.

May God protect and guide you through this very difficult time in your life. I believe Heavenly Father that You are able and willing to shield this woman from harm in Your son's name Jesus. Amen

If you believe say, Amen

Please keep us informed. We do care.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I definitely believe. AMEN!
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It probably depends on your state but our state has a lot of help for women who need to escape abusive relationships. Counseling, housing, money to get started in a new apartment, donated furnishings...lots of help. Someone I knew of left her husband with 25 cents in her pocket! If you ask your primary care physician, most of them also have literature on programs for you if you don't feel safe at home.

I would rather happily live in a studio apartment, quietly watching my Hallmark movies than with a person who wants me to leave. Best of luck to you!
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He's "lost" due to losing his job. It's a big adjustment for some when they give up something they have done for so many years. It's not right he's taking his frustrations out on you.

You need to decide if you want to "ride it out" and see if the situation improves or get out of the relationship yourself.
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First, sending waves of sympathy to enfold you.
Next, whether or not he has dementia, he is demonstrating symptoms of SIGNIFICANT innapropriate and hostile behavior, so from YOUR point of you, it could be time to start making “either/or” decisions.
The first decision of that type would seem to me to be “Am I safe or unsafe living under the same roof with this person, given his threats and overt negative behavior?” If, as you sound, you are feeling unsafe in your own home, you MUST contact legal help (Legal Aid if necessary) and document his recent conduct. You must do this now.

THEN, if you feel that you may be a potential target of physical harm (the psychological harm is taking place already) you need someone to know, right now. If you have a local Woman’s Center, contact them. Contact a clergy person, ask for a referral for psychological counseling FOR YOURSELF from one of your medical doctors, speak to someone in the Office of the Aging. Do this right now, not a week from now, TODAY.

NEXT, your children NEED TO KNOW. Address this as a problem, and prepare a list of BEHAVIORS that concern you. Try hard to avoid emotion when making this list. “He raises his voice in an angry hostile tone”, NOT “He yells at me and makes me cry”.

He is reacting to something in a way that is not

productive for you, but it also sounds as though he is miserable himself. Unfortunately some people become enraged when they are depressed or anxious. If this is the case, the next type of diagnosis is psychological/psychiatric. Is there ANYONE, family or otherwise, to whom he will listen if concern is extended towards him concerning how he FEELS about his recent problems?
You will need to have someone else become aware of his behaviors in order to help yourself.
You are NOT POWERLESS. You MUST begin to advocate for your life. You sound like someone who needs the help of kind people who will listen to you. If you seek them out, they are out there, just as helpful and concerned people are here.

Take a FIRST STEP, however small you make think it is, to address this difficult situation TODAY. Look up potential help sites on line, look up Woman’s Crisis Center, Office of the Aging, find sources for getting help, make notes and keep them with you. One step forward will give you comfort and courage. Fondest thoughts-.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I talked to my son yesterday and he came today and picked his dad up this morning and kept him with him as he checked on roads (he works for county), that needs repairs. Then he took him to lunch and shopping and delivered him back at 5 pm. It was a peaceful day and I spoke with a counselor regarding my options. He was home about an hour and did the about face because I didn't hear him say something and I was 5' from him. He whispers, mumbles and I've got taped proof if I need it of how he talks to me versus how he speaks to others so he can be heard. I was accused of ruining his great day & of lying when I said I didn't hear him tell me what he said. Then he informed me if I didn't straighten up, after the first of the year, he was gone. I almost shouted yes!! But, I am so worried about how I'm supposed to pay for all his dr bills he will leave and the other bills he's helped raise. He has told me he's taking his stuff and I can take care of the rest. (That's everything in and out of the house, including the house except my doll collection & clothes). I only get $450 a month SS. He kept after me to file for it asap when I was first eligible. Now, he gets angry because I don't draw enough. Should I sneak out and change the accounts so he can't drain them? I bought him a new truck in 2013 and paid for it with my SS and he now says everything in the account is his since I used up mine. I still get monthly deposits. My car will be paid for in 6 months and that will help me. His meds are expensive since he has glaucoma and is blind in one eye. He even wants to go to my moms home and get some of the yard tools, washer/dryer, etc and sell them!! He says he deserves them since he mowed the yard about 3 times (with my help). I hid the keys to her property. I will not steal from her or him. We have less than $112K left in our retirement/savings after some mega medical bills. And he has had to replace one hearing aid because he wears them in the rain without a hood. They short out. I have been taking care of him since I was 14 and then taking on all responsibilities of wife, mother, maid, cook, financial, full time job since I was 16. He hasn't been interested in anything to do with the home over the years and left it all up to me. Until he retired! Now it's his and to be run his way. He forgets what needs done, how to do it, and even makes me do 99% of the driving now. He gets lost easily too. It's hard to just stop and leave someone I love very much and everything I've worked for.
Everyone of you have given me more help and care than I've had in a long time and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I am definitely looking into many of the options. God Bless all of you.
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Sounds like he needs a mommy, not a wife. You’re done being mommy to everyone. Get a life for yourself and leave abusive “husband” to fend for himself. This can only get worse. He definitely declined after surgery & not being able to work. He seems very controlling & I , myself, couldn’t deal w a controlling “man”. Do self improvement & make plans to leave him. Life too short...don’t waste it. You should’ve left him after the prostitutes. 🤗 hugs
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Have you thought about calling a women crisis hotline? You can google it. They can help you make a plan on how to leave.

Just another thought!
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OMG. What a nightmare you're living in.

If you want to help him and help yourself, then stop taking care of him. Stay out of his way. Don't remind him to take his meds. Don't cook or clean for him. Let him fall flat on his face (figuratively), so that he will have a health crisis, and be taken to the hospital. From there, get him admitted to a facility where they can medicate him for his aggression. Do not take him back home. He belongs in an institution for his safety and everyone else's.
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Bornagain Nov 2018
What type of institution is available nowdays? I had to leave my husband of 32 yrs. Because he is bipolar/depressive . In full blown psychotic mania for 10 mo. I had to eventually leave for my safety and protection. He has been either manic or in depression for the last 5 yrs. Never balanced. I am concerned for him and his ability to care for himself.
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Cherokeewaha, Im so glad you got the opportunity to speak with a councilor. Were any of the options they suggested doable for you? Hopefully they also put you in touch with a legal aid lawyer that you can consult for your legal obligations (if any) regarding his bills.
What was your sons take on the day he spent with him? If he thought it was fine, ask him to do it more often, but also I hope you told him that within an hour he had turned on you again. You may want to play a recording for him. And again, if you feel at all threatened call your son and 911 so there’s a record and intervention.
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Dear Cherokee. My heart aches for you. You need to take the time to take care of yourself and get away from the oppressive situation long enough to clear your head. If you could visit with a relative or friend for a weekend and seek counseling, that would be good. You need to get it on record with your doctor, counselor, etc. what you are going through. You can visit Legal Aid and get some counsel.
It's clear that your husband has gotten worse, not better, over the years. He does need an evaluation and help, but so do you. What you are enduring is not healthy or safe, and it needs to improve. You've received lots of helpful advice and need to consider your options and what is best for you for your future. I wish you the best!
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You probably need to put him in a facility and talk with family about this issue you have rights as well and the prostitution thing he was probably ok in the head when he did it he knew what he was doing I’m sorry but you cannot go through that abuse just put him in a facility or it’s gonna get worse real soon you’ve been put through enough
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LEAVE HIM NOW!  You are living the worst life as a victim of a person with dementia and other mental health issues. Get out of there before you cannot! If he's ever out of the house for a day, go then. Otherwise run while you still can!!!
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I'm so sorry to hear of the abuse you're going through. But, you don't keep from walking away... you should intentionally walk away for your own physical, emotional and mental health! I suggest you talk to a counselor or a domestic abuse facility in your area. The fact that he told you he's getting tips for the perfect murder, should be enough of a concern to get you out of there ASAP. You seem like a nice woman who grew up in an era where women just took whatever from their husbands, but it is not like that anymore. You have your own problems and need to take care, nurture and love yourself. Get the help you need from relatives, friends and organizations. Another place to look for help might be your local church. Do it now. You deserve to live in peace during your golden years.
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I couldn't agree more strongly with the feeling that C. needs protection and support, and that in the immediate situation putting a distance between herself and her husband seems the best idea.

But she's been married to this man for fifty two years. A lifetime. Children and history, her whole adult life is bound up with him. I don't think it's reasonable to imagine she can just walk away for good and leave it all behind her without a second thought.
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Talk to a lawyer NOW. And GET OUT OF THERE. Seek shelter if you think he'll come after you. If you haven't discussed this with your family, do so NOW. It sounds like this man is a danger to others as well as to YOU. He is no longer sane.

I understand it's hard to walk away after all this time. Sometimes the person you marry is not that person 50 years later, dementia or no. I had 34 years invested in a marriage when the spouse decided to leave me for a 30-year-old co-worker. It took me another year, in couples counseling, to realize that, in my case, the person I thought I had married was never that person at all.

Run, don't walk, away now.
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Harsh as it sounds I would definitely consider putting him in a nursing home. He is very toxic for you and it’s not going to get any better. If your children have objections let them know that you are willing to let him live with them. He could be dangerous to you at some point. In our town a man with dementia who was also a toxic person ended up killing his wife, yes this is meant to scare you. You need to get him away from you. All that said when you get him into a nursing home, you can still visit him and won’t feel like you are abandoning him.
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You definitely need to leave, before you get hurt or worse. I think he likes and enjoys to verbally abuse you. If he did anything to you who would cook for him, clean up after him, do his wash, clean the house, etc., which he wants. I have a friend who's husband does the same thing to her. They have a motor home and she isn't even allowed to sit forward during their trips, she has to sit backwards, because he says so. He gets upset if she doesn't cook him a full sit down dinner everyday. The gals from the neighborhood plays cards every other week and switch places and when it is at her place she walks on egg shells and if it is too warm or too cold she says that the temperature is at what he likes and she can't change it, etc. We are all careful what we say, so there isn't anything he can use against her. Despite all of us gals telling her to leave him she says "he is a good man" and we try to point out what he is not. They have a place they go to in the winter and this last year she got really mad and fed up and flew back in January and stayed here for the month and she said she really enjoyed it. Her husband drove back for her to come back and she went. I think that time away from him was a little eye opener and she has slowly started to speak up for herself, but she still has a long way to go and unfortunately like you she just takes it. She did say when they left for this winter she may try to come back in January again. Write or make an appointment with his doctor with out him and be open with him what is really happening. Ask your doctor to get him to another doctor preferably a neurologist for further testing for possible dementia or something else. If doctor says he does have dementia or Alzheimer's have the neurologist write you a letter what he should not be doing along with his diagnosis. My mom's neurologist stated in the letter that she can not live alone or drive. Then contact DMV office and they will advise you to fill out a form and send a copy of the letter from doctor for them to revoke his driver license. This is what state of Michigan had me do on my mother when she was diagnosis with Alzheimer's. I think you need to have a honest meeting with your children and tell them what is happening don't be dramatic just tell them the facts (start writing down dates and what he did or said and tell them you need help. If your husband did act that way in front of them growing up and they are doing the same thing then you need to look elsewhere. I would move the savings all but maybe a $1,000 or two to a different account, so he doesn't waste it. You may need that to leave and restart a life for yourself. Get a job, doesn't have to be a good paying job, but gets you out of the house. If you need another place to live go to a domestic shelter, they will help you. They can give you shelter, help finding a job and help cloth you. You can find the hotline phone number online. Just search domestic shelter. Quit picking after him. If he complains tells him you made the mess you clean it up. Start sleeping in another bedroom and put a lock on the door. If he starts threatening you call the police, so there is a written report. You may need to speak with them about his diagnosis if he is diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's. Asked them to take him to the hospital for a mental check up and do not visit or pick him up. Let them put him in a facility.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2018
Provoking someone that has threatened you is not a wise move.

He is nuts, so everything should be done quietly and quickly to ensure her safety.
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I understand. I really do. It is hard to leave after so many years, especially when they control all the assets/money. Retirement has not worked well for us either. What I am planning, and what you might do, is start secretly boxing up those things that are important to you (dolls) and store them elsewhere. Make a list you keep hidden of what you will take if you need to leave in a hurry. Be on the lookout for another place to live (might have to just rent a room in a private home until you can get assets allocated. Don't discuss with your kids or depend on them - he probably has them convinced "you're crazy". Hide money, maybe made by selling a few things. If the violence escalates, don't hesitate to leave. I wish you the best.
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Contact Adult Protective Services where you live. Tell them all this stuff
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CherokeeWaHa, be sure to copy and print your remarks from this forum describing his behavior and what you are going through. It'll save time explaining your situation to any authorities or professional help services that you need to talk to in the future. Hopefully, NEAR future.
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Sendhelp Nov 2018
Yes, a good idea, and a good answer.
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Making a note here that you were approximately 16 when you married, underage.
He was about 22?

You started caring for him when you were 14?

In the U.S., you would have needed permission to marry at age 16. This happens with young lovers all the time, so I am not judging you. Just want to be sure, looking back, that you were not adversely influenced, sold into slavery, or kidnapped back then.

Since you are an adult, in a long term marriage, and allowed to make your own decisions, I want to let you know that if you decide to leave, filing for divorce will assist in securing your rights to 1/2 of the community property and support.

Of course you need to secure finances separate for your own use to survive the year (or years) prior to the settlement, final decree.

Housing: Can you move into your mother's property?

If you decide to stay, all the things you are struggling with will need a viable solution, and safety for you, and proper care for your husband.

Noting the finances.....your income is very low. You may need help to readjust your thinking about whose bills you will be responsible for if he leaves. An attorney can help you. After divorce, many file for bankruptcy.

Those are just some points you could be aware of. I am neither advocating for divorce or for staying in a dangerous situation. But you have choices.
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Being with him since such a young age has left you with no imagination for life without him.

Yes, you love him even if it's like a brother, by virtue of the number of years he is in your life.

You must get out for your safety first. Tell yourself you can always move back if that is what it takes to help you cope. Your eyes will open in ways they can't while in the heat of the moment. Most people get over the hump of fear of being alone and never look back. Don't let him guilt trip you. He is not the same person you married. He is the one making the decision for you to go.
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