How do I help DH with his mother's care when she absolutely hates the sight of me?
Anyone who has read much of my ongoing drama with my MIL knows that she has a hatred for me so deep and wide I have had to go no-contact with her the last few years.
Doesn't mean I don't CARE and I can't 'turn off' the basic part of me that still cares about her as a human being and my DH's mom. It isn't my fault she never 'took' to me and over the 48 years I've been in the family--it's gotten worse and worse, to the point we decided it was best she not even see me.
She's 92 and showing some serious signs of dementia and her anxiety is ramped up to an all time high. SIL has been her primary (only) CG until she recently broke her ankle and cannot drive---DH had no idea his YS was doing so much for MIL until she called the other night, in tears over the whole situation with MIL. He's been more than content to let SIL carry this huge burden alone.
Monday, DH had taken MIL to the eye dr for her shots. She is actually doing well with the Macular and sees very well. But after the drs. DH had a couple hours and he dragged his mom along. He still works (trying to retire!) and doesn't have massive amounts of down time to spend with her. So, to be organized, he took her for her shots, went to the pharmacy, went to the grocery store and took her to lunch. By the time they were finishing lunch MIL was totally exhausted and in tears. She can only do ONE thing per day, and DH can't take 3 hrs out of everyday to kowtow to her, the way YS does.
Anyway--the day after this, she had a day long panic attack. Doesn't say anything to SIL until about 8 pm when she calls her and says she thinks she's having a heart attack. SIL cannot go to her home as she cannot drive. She was panicky, herself and wanted to talk to DH to see what to do.
I can hear the entire (very loud) conversation. (Both DH and his sis and his mom have severe hearing loss, so there's not a lot of 'secrecy'.)
SIL is freaking out b/c she thinks MIL should simply go to the ER. She refuses and just wants to be cared for at home. Well--this conversation goes on for about 30 minutes, Finally, I hold up a card that says "CALL 911 and meet them at the hospital!!!"
These 2--Dh and SIL just could not land of a plan of action so they did NOTHING. They were back and forth over what to do and ended up doing nothing. This happens all the time and it drives me nuts. DH and SIL won't make a decision and so they don't. She very well may have had a heart attack, but we won't know unless she has a troponin test--personally, having taken DH to the ER 2 times WITH active heart attacks and 5 times with indigestion--I don't fool around.
Anyway--he and SIL DID decide that MIL needs in home care. They have found a company that they like, it's just getting MIL on board. She refuses to let strangers in her home, so this should be interesting.
All week DH has said "I need to call my mom." Or better "I need to run up there" (It's a >10 minute drive). He doesn't follow through. Only when SIL calls in tears does he step up, and then just for one thing.
I told him I would support him in whatever he wanted me to do, short of physically caring for her. He said I am making things so much harder, but I know he's just angry, frustrated and unsure what to do.
The care this company is supplying is 'Hospice Care' and I tried to explain to DH that HOSPICE care sounds frightening, and to call it Palliative Care--MIL will be slightly less panicky if she doesn't think she's actively dying.
Wondering how much I 'nag' for lack of a better word and how much I simply sit back and let them flounder. I worked in Elder Care and know a lot more than they do about the things in home care.
Sadly, the company they've chosen gets lousy reviews, but the PA in her Drs office 'selects' the care company.
Maybe I'm just venting, but I know DH has to step up, and step up BIG TIME. Do I simply remain quiet as I have had to for the past 3 years or do I put a bug in his ear? This is more for SIL than Dh, really.
Midkid has an update on Discussions.
Then again, you took care of FIL when he was dying (including personal hygiene tasks). You were still involved with your mother, despite her ignoring it when you were abused as a child by your older brother and her saying you owed money to the estate.
Your H didn't help with his own father, and he certainly did nothing for your mother. He wouldn't even help YOU when you were so sick. And he's still angry that you wouldn't take his father into your home so that YOU could be the 24-7-365 caregiving slave?
I just don't understand.
You are just good. You are loved. You don’t need to prove yourself to people above whom you stand head and shoulders in capacity for love. Night:)
After years on this forum, I can honestly say I would take great pleasure in drop kicking your DH off a Dubai skyscraper.
No offense.
YOU are making nothing harder… nothing. This is how your husband operates (I hope it is subconscious) to get what he wants. And, guess who trained him in that technique? Ding, ding, ding! MIL. It’s sad that he is this way, but it is NOT your fault and NOT yours to fix.
cxmoody had a great idea in you helping your SIL directly with her own life rather than helping with MIL in any capacity. IF you want to. Really, you already are. Think for a minute… you are lending the woman a VEHICLE. On what planet is that not a HUGE, generous act of love and assistance?!
This situation will suck everything out of you if you let it.
No one is in control of what happens with MIL. I know I have said this before, but as a group, modern humanity thinks it has a great deal more control over death and misfortune than we actually do.
For instance, if MIL has a heart attack, she has a heart attack. If she doesn’t want to go to the hospital, it is ok to honor that at her age, even if she has dementia. To me, it sounds like she was exhausted and pissed off and wanted attention. But, maybe she was having a heart problem. *Even if that happens*, this is not the fault of ANY of you. It is hubris to think it is. It happens. I do not mean that cruelly. Extremely empathetic, kind-hearted people need to remember that they can love, but they cannot prevent misfortune. There is a huge difference.
Love can bring a dinner or answer a question about palliative care. It can even lend a car. It can provide a sympathetic ear to a DH and a hug when needed.
It cannot make MIL treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It cannot prevent MIL from falling, being mad, or dying. It should not prop up a hateful woman at the expense of your own health and joy. It should never be used as a weapon for DH to wield when he gets lazy or doesn’t want to make the hard, but prudent choices.
These people are making you second guess yourself. Please imagine a hedge of strength around you. Don’t show a smudge of remorse. You are doing nothing wrong.
It’s ok if they drop the ball. You do know so much more than they do. But, they DON’T CARE. So, you let them be.
You want them to tell you it is ok to not be their punching bag. They are not going to do this.
But, you have a bunch of strangers on the internet handling that part for you. We have your back;)
With DH, it sounds like you may just need to keep flipping it back every time he tries to pin the burden on you.
DH, “I am so disappointed in you. Have you no heart? It’s my mother, for Pete’s sake.”
Mid, “I really don’t. I am so sorry. Clearly I am lacking as a person, Christian and wife. I need to do some internal work on that for sure.”
Kidding:)
Mid, “You know full well that isn’t true. If you want to keep going with that load of crap, you can count on me removing myself from the discussion completely. If you want my knowledge and my encouragement, you will grow the hell up and stop trying to make this situation about me. It has nothing at all to do with me. Keep the focus where it should be and quit using me as your emotional punching bag.”
So much luck and hugs. I think you are going to have to really compartmentalize here. I also totally believe you can do it.
I did get to be an observer to SIL and DH's discussion about tomorrow's mtg with the PA who is setting up in home Palliative Care. All I said was 'do NOT call this Hospice Care--Palliative Care will be scary enough for her." Hopefully this will cut down on the numbers of drs she sees and the panicky phone calls. IDK.
Even the oldest brother, who has not spoken to my DH for about 4 years, is weighing in on this decision, although he really has no say. But he can navigate the system and honestly? He wrote MIL out of his life years ago.
SIL looked like death on toast--DH actually noticed it. I told him the stats--that 40% of CG's go before their LO. He didn't believe me, but what the heck---he cares enough about his SISTER to step up.
We'll see where tomorrow takes us. I feel really bad that MIL had to get this bad before she's even attempt a 'solution' and actually, she hasn't. She may hear about it and back out. The worst part for her will be that people she doesn't know will come in her home.
Guess we'll see tomorrow. Not going to be fun, but I won't be there.
Thanks for the support--I'm just venting, but I am glad that some progress might be made. I can do behind the scenes stuff, but don't plan to.
You care about MIL like you would about any human being, understandable and very nice of you, I am sure you are hoping for the best for her.
Don’t get involved in anything direct, with her and siblings as you had lots of drama with your own siblings.
You support DH with understanding or nice gesture, nice dinner, night out.
I know about those MILs, my was the same, and ex never stood up for me.
When our only child got married that family voiced their opinion about DIL, my son more than stood up for his lovely new bride, I supported him in never allowing that nonsense.
Home care staff is late, has cancelled, a no-show.
MIL calls SIL, can't reach, calls DH next. Or SIL busy, calls DH. DH busy so calls Midkid "Can you just pop in & see..?" "I'm trying to work!"
"Just this once?"
MIL has a fall. Refuses to call EMS. Calls to Midkid. "Just this once.."
MIL needs a prescription collected, out of eye drops, run out of milk, wants icecream. Calls to Midkid "Just this once".
Remember Dorker? I'll never forget! She had a MIL with NEEDS.. oh the endless endless needs. The meals requested from favorite restaurants, the special dog treats from the other side of town... the daily 'urgencies'.
Dorker's phone was being blown up by 1. MIL, 2. SIL living states away & 3. Her own husband (the Good Son), even at times her 4. Her own kids.
The whole family wanted to please Granny. Nobody but Dorker would ever say no to Granny. But all the people pleases were busy busy busy & wanted someone else to do the drudge work.
This is the danger of helping. When helping morphs into supporting enablers.
That MIL has passed on now. Rest her soul.
PS It did take a broken hip to force her into care accomodation.
Great reference, Beatty.
1. Call 911 yourself next time she has an emergency. Say you're a neighbor who hears and old lady yelling on the phone that she's having a heart attack.
2. Call APS. Say that you're a neighbor concerned about the elderly shut in up the block; you haven't seen her "helper" daughter recently.
3. Call the police help line for a wellness check. Same story as above.
If she gets to the hospital and gets admitted, she WILL go into care.
Buy a burner phone if you're worried about this being traced back to you.
Obviously, Midkid cares about her husband and his family, in spite of the circumstances and if this would help to speed up the process of her mother in law receiving care then it is a good solution for everyone involved.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation.
I remember when you said that you were “divorcing” your MIL. I seriously doubt that you have any intention of remarrying her, so please do not be involved in this situation at all.
Your husband told you, “You are making things worse.” I know that you were sincerely trying to help him and he should have known this too. So, don’t make any more offers to help him or his mother who has never liked you.
Keep reminding yourself that you have already “divorced” her.
Your husband and his family will figure it out one way or another. Will it be in a logical way? Probably not. That is their problem and as much as it may frustrate you, let it go. Don’t give it a second thought. Don’t hold up any more signs, don’t shop, don’t cook, don’t do anything!
Did any of these people help you when you were in need of help? Nope! They were invisible. So put on your disappearing cloak and fade away just like they did with you.
Take care, Mid and enjoy your life. I know that after everything you have been through with your own health issues, non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, etc. that you don’t take life for granted.
It’s a shame that your husband and his family haven’t followed your example on caring for others and being sensible.
I am not heartless. I do believe in forgiveness and in second chances for those who are worthy of it.
If something changes down the line, regarding a positive outcome, I will certainly be happy for all of you. As for now, I don’t see a reason to believe that this situation will improve.
What brought me to this site back in 2009 or so was a question regarding my 76 yo MIL with dementia. It was quite clear to me what she needed. I wanted to know how to get her clueless sons (including my DH) to do the right thing.
I was told, unanimously and unequivocally to back off.
You all were so correct.
Mid, support your SIL anyway you can. Don't offer advice. If kids in law want to, that's GREAT.
Just stay out of the planning and the line of fire. Leave DH to his own devices. Your having an opinion DOES make this harder for him, so just be quiet, as hard as that is. (I know how hard it is to say "hmmm" when you're a "fixer".
((((Hugs))))
I've had the following comment of yours saved to my phone since you posted it in May of 2022. It has helped me, many times, to read it. Thought you could use a refresher!
"Walk away. I am so much happier knowing that I do not have to do one single thing for my MIL. She hates me, and why should I continually put myself in that situation? 46 years is enough."
I meant that you could help SIL by cleaning HER house, or making HER a meal.
Thereby not enabling rotten treatment by MIL, rather by helping SIL, who is in a bad place, herself.
You KNOW what needs to be done. You CAN lead. You have common sense. But you also have a big heart, & a lot to lose here.
Basicably MIL will pass on one day. The future relationships with your DH & your SIL - protect these.
If you step into this, you will have much more contact will MIL. Is this really a good idea?
Danger 1. Stress to you
Another angle: your DH.
Stay quiet for his sake. He has his Mom nagging, come now, do, fix, in tears. He has his sister, pleading, come now, do, fix, tears maybe too.
He will benefit from a soothing place to come home to, forget them for a while, recharge. With a companion, not another female with a job list.
Danger 2: No save haven for DH.
If you try to lead but DH & SIL do team & pull together, their stress & resentment at the burden of MIL care could blow up & blow your way. MIL will play 'victim', they will be the 'fixers' & so the risk is you may get painted the 'persucutor'. Drama triange stuff. Nope, don't risk it!
Danger 3: You become the Bad Guy.
MIL care is an issue & may become the biggest circus in town but not YOUR circus!
I have to work now but happy to check in later & keep this chat going. This is going to take much plotting to keep to a safe course. ❤️
My SIL heard me talking to my daughter about the insanity and Dr Joe piped up "Somebody has chest pains so bad they are vomiting and can't breathe--dammit, people, call 911. What's WRONG with this family?" I so appreciated his direct and honest and correct answer.
DH and SIL made this "monster" and now they need to pay the consequences. They should have set boundries long ago. One being MIL respects you. This situation where two grown adults can't make up their mind to call 911 is ridiculous. So, when Mom dies, its definitely their fault but you will be told its yours because u weren't willing to help. And you shouldn't help. MIL needs to be placed and if her children are not willing to force the issue, then they pay the price.
I did toilet my Mom but she was placed in an AL eventually. I refuse to do it for anyone other than my Mom or husband. Once she was in a AL the aids took care of her. I had already told my brothers that I would not care for my Dad. Once incontinence is in the picture they need to be placed. D**n if I would have done it for a FIL.
MidKid, please. This is when you must remember that no good deed goes unpunished. You wish your MIL no ill, you are a good and caring human being; but the woman detests you and you can't get near her, DH has never been one to take your advice (let's admit it), and SIL will have to learn that her brother isn't a person she can lean on unless she wants to fall flat on her face. Leave It Alone.
Don't lift a finger. Not one tidbit of advice. IMHO it sounds like they are slowly pulling you back into all the drama. They don't deserve you.
It may not be to your standards but nonetheless it will be done.
Don't let these people hold you hostage.
Frankly, I don't think your husband is looking for "support". I think what he *really* wants is for you to say "Oh, ok, Hon, I know how hard this is on you. So even though I swore to myself, you AND mommie dearest that I would never, ever darken her doorstep again, I will go against my better judgement, take all of the caregiving responsibilities out of your hands and place them into mine." I think that's the only "support" he's interested in hearing about.
Listen, your marriage is your business. I have said that before. But this woman was ABUSIVE to you. You got zero/zilch/nada support from your husband while she shoveled her hatred on your head. You WALKED AWAY for good and valid reasons! If you so choose to go back into the lion's den to help, at least do so on your terms: with crystal clear, immovable boundaries in place. Make sure DH (and SIL) understand that ANY violation of these boundaries means an immediate cease to any support you have chosen to give.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would not be doing ANYTHING to make this easier for any of them, if you feel in your heart of hearts that the *safest* thing for your MIL is placement. It might not be the kindest thing in the short term, but best for everyone in the long.
Good luck to you.
I think your husband is being sort of selfish
The above is not a typo. It's me concluding that any advice I might give would be equally worthless.
You are not happy.
DH is not happy.
SIL is not happy.
Midkid, I say all of that just to say that in ALL THIS is someone helped? Is someone here happy? Is this working for anyone?
You are a well respected long time member of this Forum with so much help for others. Do you recall Beatty saying one of her favorite sayings is "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions?"
Your entire family is in a CRUCIBLE of torture and agony over one woman in her 90s who has had her life already. And who is not being made happy for all your torment.
You must forgive me, but I plead that I care about you. WHY is this woman not in care. Why are you ALL enabling this? And HOW is it working for her? For any of you. I know some of what you have gone through in recent years. Why are you doing this to yourselves?
I wish you a Happy Easter, hon. I wish you that this all gets better, but until you all act to protect yourselves and get MIL safely in care I cannot imagine how.
Were it me, the hated DIL? I would simply step back, not say a THING and not DO a thing at this point. But that's me. I know it isn't you. This all puts me sadly in mind of the old question with half a thousand answers that keeps popping up here: "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?".
Me, I would step totally out of it, do not participate in their circle of indecision, if something you suggest would not work out as planned you will be the scapegoat.
I wish you the best, don't react think it through, it is their problem not yours.
There is an option available that makes total sense.
Let’s call you “Lucy”,
as in
“We all remember that Lucy was forced to STAND on a small rug in Evil MIL’s house. Lucy was not allowed to sit down.”
Do this out loud. In front of a mirror.
What would you say to Lucy?
Would you tell her to get involved at all?
Would you tell her to put in earplugs when her husband is on the phone, talking about Evil MIL?
Has Lucy put up with enough abuse to justify staying completely out of any discussion or solution?
Lucy can make meals for her SIL. Even clean SIL’s house, if she wants to. There are many ways to help SIL, apart from being involved with the MIL, right, Mid/Lucy?
I'm going to help DH today as we are going to lend SIL our 3rd car (which we were going to sell, but looks like he's giving it to SIL--they are perpetually underemployed) and then he needs to contact his OB who is basically just waiting for MIL to die so he can inherit a fairly substantial amount of $$.
I'm not allowed in her home, so cleaning, etc is not a possibility. DH is incapable of cleaning, but he can grocery shop (sorta) and he can pull out his PoA, which he well may end up doing.
Thanks for the support!
'Lucy' is very tired of all this.
I still remember you being forced to stand on a small rug in her house and not being allowed to sit down. And your husband had NO problem with that. So f--k her and him. But that's just me.
You went above and beyond with his perverted father and did things no DIL should do for a FIL like wiping his behind so you have done enough for this weird family.
Your husband has a lot of issues and lacks empathy for anyone but himself. Worst is he has such a kind and decent wife but has no real appreciation for you.
If you want to help and have a relationship with your SIL encourage her to get mom placed in a facility and to stop catering to moms unreasonable demands. Encourage husband to do the same. To hell with what this selfish old woman wants.
Yeah--DH's family has a few weird twists and turns.
Can you call HER and tell her to call 911 and have MIL taken to ER?
Aren't there cabs or Ubers where she lives?
I would leave DH out of this completely. He is frozen with fear of his mom.